For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (March 2022) )

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4352163-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-September-2021

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

I’m so sorry @WhiteChocTwix and @EbbandTheWanderingHearts my thoughts are with you.

We have an appointment with the funeral director on Friday and the GP has sent the death certificate to the registrar. It all seems very surreal. Thankfully work have been very supportive and I’ve been given two weeks off work. It’s a relief not to have to think about that as well as arrangements.

My Dad will have to have a post mortem as none of the hospital Doctors are prepared to sign a death certificate as he was seen by several locums so nobody seemed to actually know what was going on! Hopefully it won't take too long.

We saw the Funeral Director today and provisionally booked a funeral. Obviously it may have to change if the PM takes longer. Luckily Dad had a prepaid Funeral plan which has taken a huge amount of stress off the proceedings. Still feel in limbo land. Back to work tomorrow. I work in a Nursery so know every parent I open the door to will ask how my Christmas was. Best practice smiling and saying, "Fine thank you!"

Just catching up on the thread and just wanted to say that I agree with all of this @Crunchymum. Beautifully described. Especially the bit about not wanting to leave the year in which I last saw Dad which was 2019.

It is the little things which get me, like I saw a present my Dad would like while Christmas shopping and laid a place for him by accident on Christmas day. Like my brain has not quite caught up.

Sending hugs to all who have just spent their first Christmas and New Year without a parent. And all those missing theirs.

Today was a bit better. I've not been particularly productive at work but my boss has been really good. I told him I wanted to be there because the structure and routine are a help at the moment, so he knows it's general pottering right now rather than head down hard graft. The time hangs so heavily otherwise. It still doesn't feel real.

I'm stopping by this thread because my mum passed away on Tuesday (3rd Jan). She'd been poorly with COPD for some time but had slowly lost her eye sight to macular degeneration and had hearing loss too. She got a chest infection and went into hospital struggling to breathe on Weds evening before new year, spent the rest of the time in hospital until she went. It will haunt me forever with her saying 'I can't breathe, I need help' everything we went in. Felt so helpless.

Dr gave a couple of options but given how frail she was they were unlikely to do much more than extend her suffering. She was never going to get better. We opted for the keep her comfortable route where she was given morphine and could finally sleep. She lasted about 12hrs and the whole of that time looked like she was in a comfortable sleep until she simply stopped breathing altogether.

The last few days have been hard. We register her death on Monday and get the funeral arrangements sorted then too.

@Tumbleweed101 I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm glad your Mum went peacefully and is no longer suffering. 💐

So sorry for your loss Tumbleweed, this really is a supportive thread with people who understand how you might be feeling.

I’m so sorry to hear of people’s losses over the Christmas and New Year period- sending you all strength and love.

It’s been five weeks since dad died on 2nd December- my post at the time is a few pages back. It felt like I sleep-walked through this years festivities, but I was feeling a bit better. Then the last couple of days it’s hitting me like a truck again. Is this normal? It’s proper ugly crying, that feels like it will never stop and it hurts. I feel I should be past this as everybody in my life seems to be getting on with things. I have a history of depression and I’m desperate to not be medicated again, but I’m so down.
His funeral is next Friday- after post mortem and Christmas closures it’s been a long wait and I’m hoping saying goodbye will ease these feelings even a little.
To top it off I’ve tested positive for Covid today (for the first time- thank god it isn’t next week..) and I just feel generally sad and rubbish.

I’m so sorry to hear about your losses over Christmas and New Year. I’m new to this thread.

My mum died yesterday morning. Two GPS missed the signs she was having a heart attack and it took three calls to the emergency services for them to get moving. Her death was slow and painful.

i can’t believe I will never see her again. I can’t believe she won’t see my daughter grow up.

@Wafflesandcrepes I'm so sorry. That sounds incredibly traumatic. 😭

Thank you. The funeral is 25th January, so not too long to wait.

@Wafflesandcrepes I’m really sorry, that sounds horrible.

@Wafflesandcrepes I’m so sorry for your loss. That sounds incredibly traumatic. I hope you have support around you x

@Wafflesandcrepes
That is just awful how they let your mum down like that. Such a huge loss for you. I lost my mum nearly 2 years ago. She was similarly let down by various different "medical professionals" am now pursuing a legal case it's been in going for about a year. It will never bring her back tho. My heart goes out to you and the rest of your family.

@SliceoQuiche
Yes this is normal what you are feeling please don't think otherwise you have lost your dad and it doesn't matter if everyone else seems to be getting on with things everyone's grief reactions are different. When I unexpected lost mum in March 2021 honestly I wanted to died too the pain was just too much I felt that I just couldn't carry the burden of it all. It lifted slowly, eventually but it's been a long process something you can't rush. I got support from Cruse Bereavement they were really good listeners and I'd recommend their services. People at work spoke to me about antidepressants I was off work for 4 months but my GP felt that my feelings were justified and normal for grieving such an important person in my life. I had depression too when I was younger over 20 years ago so I knew myself that I wasn't depressed I was desperately sad that I had lost my best friend, the one person who was in my corner no matter what. Anyone to loose someone so special is bount to feel a huge level to sadness and devastation so please go easy on yourself.

This resonates so much @Ttc42nearly43 I too when I got the call about my mum I wanted to be taken with her. I day dreamed about how
I could just step out Infront of a lorry. grief is sickening

@mrssunshinexxx
I was the same I thought of ways I could end my life then only thing that stopped me was not wanting my kids to experience the same levels of pain and distress. I'll never be able to make peace with what happened to my mum.

It's been really hard dealing with lawyers and getting independent medical reports it not even nearly over but I need to keep going for my mum.

Sending hug to you and everyone else on here

@Ttc42nearly43 I feel the same I couldn't of left my baby

I'm so sorry for all your losses especially those that were so traumatic for all.

It's two months for me now since we lost mum- her death was sudden and painless for her but a huge shock for us. I've found it very up and down- mostly past the shock of the first few weeks where I could barely function, but have good days and bad days. As someone else said I don't think I'm depressed, I think I'm just very sad that my much loved mum has died. It's the day to day- sometimes the phone rings and I'll think it's gonna be her, I keep feeling that I need to pop round and see her, or that I haven't chatted to her recently, and I find that very painful. It's like my brain understands she has gone but my emotions haven't caught up yet.

Mine was also very fast and unexpected it's been almost 3. Years and I still expect her to pull up outside my house it absolutely sucks @grosslyunfair

I am another one who lost my mum very suddenly. I am thankful that is was quick and painless for her but after almost 2 years I can barely even talk about "that" day and what happened.

I feel selfish as my poor dad and sister had to perform CPR on mum until the paramedics arrived. They had a whole other level of trauma.

Some of this never gets easier. I guess you just learn to compartmentalise it a little better?

My heart goes out to everyone, old and new, on this thread.

Sorry that should say "after over 2 years" - it's been longer than 2 years for me now. Although feels like no time at all in some ways.

Yesterday was a terrible day I was back at the beginning sobbing so much I was being sick. This is because of the legal case am going through because of my mum's poor treatment in the care home finally after months of waiting their response was to deny any wrong doing feeling physically sick and tried to read the letter but it was just too much. It's brought everything back for me. I called mum's mobile to hear her voice on her answer machine but it's been disconnected so that connection has gone now too. Am devastated waiting to hear from the solicitor what happens next.

@Ttc42nearly43 so sorry you are having to deal with this on top of your grief do you have good support in RL? Do you want to talk about It?

I have something a bit happier to add- my mum had a much loved cat that she left behind when she passed. None of us could take her because we have other pets that don't get on with the cat. So we cared for her in mums house while we looked for a new home for her- we thought that was better than taking her to a rescue. We found a lovely new home with a friend of a friend who has been sending us videos and the cat is clearly thriving and well loved and cared for, and she is making her new owner very happy too!

It's a little bittersweet (still can't watch videos without crying) but she was a great companion for mum who cared for her even when she struggled to care for herself and I know mum would be delighted to see her lovely cat so well cared for and loved and happy.