For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (March 2022) )

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4352163-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-September-2021

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

Hey everyone, I just wanted to say I hope today has been bearable and you managed to find moments of joy. It’s my second Christmas without my precious dad and it still stings a lot. I’ve kind of accepted that it’ll only ever be about the little ones and that’s brought me some happiness today.

My Mum died at the end of November and today has felt surreal. It's like she's somehow here but just out of reach. This is a terrible description, but you know that anxious feeling you get when you're late to something important? It's like that. Like some part of my brain hasn't had the "your Mam's dead" update and is screaming at me for not being round on time on Christmas day. Then to sort me out another part of my brain gives me a flashback to her dying or dead. God this is so awful. I want her back more than I've ever wanted anything.

Totally normal @Cococrab even though it's awful ! I'm sorry to say this lasted a long long time for me :(

@LucyintheSky21 hey pretty much he keeps making contact and I actually gave him a chance a couple month ago and met him at my nans house but made it clear the invite was for just him we met briefly and it was fine if not slightly awkward then he sent a text saying I have to accept his girlfriend and my mum would be horrified with my behaviour. It's almost laughable if it wasn't so sad. Mum would be horrified with you, actually , for replacing her so fast and not giving a toss about your children

@mrssunshinexxx I’m so sorry to hear that about your Dad, it’s such a shame and you’re absolutely right, it would be laughable but it’s extremely sad. I never can understand it when someone tries to replace their husband or wife after all those years together. I have known other people do it and it rips families apart. It was very good of you to even meet your Dad to try and speak to him at your Nan’s. Your Mum I’m sure would be horrified at what he has done, not you at all. It’s hard enough without our Mum’s or our Dad’s without life being made harder x

@LucyintheSky21 thank you totally agree

@LucyintheSky21 thank you for the shout (I am very rarely considered to be uplifting, thank you for the compliment)

I hope you managed as best you could over Christmas? I hope everyone here coped as nest they could.

It's just such an odd time. You want to soldier on for the kids and the other family members but Christmas to me just hammers home that my mum isn't here.

This year was my 3rd one without mum, it's definitely been easier this year (that first year, just 3 months after she died and in the height of Covid lock-down was grim as could be. I think Christmases could only get "better" from Christmas 2020).

I choked up when toasting my mum over dinner and there were tears here and there on the day. I just missed her even more than usual.

I don't feel as battered by my grief any more. It's kind of like a healing wound? You begin to recover and you begin to regroup. But you are different, you are changed, you are scarred. You carry a sadness, you carry some darkness that you didn't before. BUT you learn to cope and you learn to live and you learn to go on.

I send massive love and strength to all those who have just had their first Christmas without a beloved parent. I remember dreading NY that first year too as I didn't want to leave the last year my mum had been alive in. I didn't want time to pass and I didn't want to begin such a milestone as a new year without her. But I had to, and it wasn't too bad. As time has gone on I've cried a lot but I've also laughed and had moments of pleasure and joy - which I know my mum would have wanted for me. As a parent what you want most in the world is for your child to be happy and at peace and to have a good life. I tried to re-frame all the guilt in a more positive way, I wasn't leaving mum behind I was just doing what she would want me to do. I was being there for my kids and making happy memories for them. And you can't leave someone behind when they live in your heart and in your veins and in your mind. She is me and I am her. We are always connected and forever entwined.

I read something (can't remember where but some celeb had lost a parent) she said in her tribute "Thank you for giving me the most wonderful life" and it really resonated. I thought those 9 words said it all for me. I think of those words when I think of my mum.

If I don't get a chance to post again - app has been playing up for me - I send you all peace and and light for 2023. 💜

@Crunchymum - I love reading your posts, the always make me tear up but what you say always seems to describe it so accurately in a way I couldn’t put it better myself. Like you, the first Christmas without my Dad (last xmas) Dad had been gone exactly 3 months to the day on xmas eve. So like you said, that first xmas we were still in tremendous shock at what had happened and it was gut wrenching. I know 2021 will always be the worst year for me ever, the year in which we said goodbye to my Dad. But in some ways too, it was the last year that we saw my Dad and Selma time with him, right leading up to that last day in September. I would say like you that this xmas hasn’t been quite as hard or as painful as last year, but exactly what you say about being changed and carrying a darkness or a deep sadness within… that’s just so true. I’m a year and 3 months on and I miss my Dad every day and I still cry. Some nights I cry myself to sleep over it if I am thinking about my Dad, and some days I don’t cry. But the days I don’t cry are when I push it to the back of my mind. I know I do this a lot.
I want to wish you and everyone strength for the new year. We do carry them with us in our hearts and they live on through us. My oldest son is a lot like my Dad, he reminds me of him so much and I really hope that my Dad lives on through him xx

Thanks for all the kind words on this thread. I'm still really struggling, more post Christmas than during, which was different enough to real life to just feel we had to get through it. But I was half dozing on the sofa yesterday and the phone rang and my first thought was 'that's mum, great, haven't chatted for ages!'. I just can't get used to the idea that she isn't here. I'm struggling with how sad I still feel but I know I need to start getting back to normal life.

She is me and I am her. We are always connected and forever entwined.

Exactly how I feel about my lovely mum who I lost in October. Christmas was hard but I'm feeling sad about new year and the sense of leaving her behind ❤️

I hope you don't mind me joining. I posted recently on the elderly parents board because I was struggling with Mum's dementia. She passed on Tuesday.

I have cried a bit but mostly I feel numb. I am helping my Dad to get things sorted but I don't live locally and it's hard because I had to come back. He cried and asked me to stay longer and I felt guilty because I needed to go.

Sorry, I don't even know why I am posting. Everything is just numb.

I’m really sorry for your loss. It must be so difficult being far away. Has your dad got other people around him?

Thank you. I have a sibling who is near-ish, but has their own caring responsibilities so they can't be on hand every day.

I feel like there is something wrong with me. I cry a bit at odd times and then the tears dry up and everything feels numb.

My Dad died on Christmas day. I feel lost and sad but can't cry. I guess it'll hit me eventually. Seeing the funeral director on Tuesday with Mum. All seems a bit surreal.

@EbbandTheWanderingHearts I'm so sorry. I can't offer much advice but I would say the FD we are using have been very good. They gave us some really helpful paperwork to guide us through what to do - including notifying various people (incl. pensions). Hopefully your FD will be able to help you with this.

Thank you. We're still waiting for a death certificate as nobody was available on Christmas day. The coroner was trying to track down the Doctor who said he was fine to go home from hospital on Christmas eve. He'd been in 10 days but seemed absolutely fine and no indication that he would pass away that night. Feel a bit in limbo until we can register the death etc. He had a prepaid funeral plan so one less thing to worry about.

I'm sorry for your loss too. I was a care worker for 5 years and did end of life for lots of people. I know a lot of relatives struggled between grief and relief when their loved ones with dementia passed away. 💐

Condolences to you and your family - I hope that things go as smoothly for you as possible.

So sorry for everyone’s losses this week.

My mum died earlier today and I’m completely heartbroken but at the same time relieved that there won’t be any more suffering.
Her death was extremely peaceful but nobody expected that it would be today so unfortunately neither my brother or I made it.
My eldest daughter aged 13 hasn’t stopped crying since we found out so it’s hurting that I can’t ‘fix’ this pain for her. We’re having lots of hugs and sharing lovely memories of her time with her nana

I am so sorry @Whiterose23

Sending hugs.

I'm so sorry @Whiterose23 💐

I’m really sorry Whiterose23. Don’t beat yourselves up for not being there (I missed my dad too). As long as it was peaceful and calm that’s all you need to focus on. Hugs to your family.

Not been on MN for a long time. My wonderful Dad passed away with no warning between Xmas and NY. Back to work at 9am tomorrow, precisely when we can finally start to deal with things, everything has been closed for days. I go between doing practical stuff and sobbing, tomorrow's going to be awful.

Whiterose, WhiteChoc - you are in my thoughts.

There's never a good time to lose someone but this time of year is so hard just from a practical perspective. The hours we had to wait for a doctor before the FDs could come, were very hard. Everything has been closed or reduced hours so notifications have been difficult.

First day back to work today. Had to hang up on my boss as I started to cry. Luckily he is lovely and very understanding. Tears lasted a few minutes and now back to feeling nothing and numb again. Starting to wonder if something is wrong with me.

I am so sorry @WhiteChocTwix 💐

Gosh I am so sorry @EbbandTheWanderingHearts

And you too @User787878787878

My Dad died on Father's Day and while that day is not really comparable to Christmas, it is so hard when everyone is celebrating a nice, family thing and you are deep in all the shock and confusuon of bereavement.