For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (March 2022) )

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4352163-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-September-2021

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

It’s very sad. I’m really sorry for your loss.

My dad died on 2nd December 22- it was unexpected and so sudden. Talking to him in his and mums house when I dropped my son off at 2pm, call from mum at 4:30pm to say the paramedics were there and holding his hand after he passed by 6:30pm.
The past week has been painful, foggy and so so sad. I feel a little better knowing for sure (following the post mortem) that it was a cardiac arrest and that he’d have been completely unaware, but god I miss him. He was the best in situations like this- he’s scoop you up and make you feel safe and understood. We only lost my Grandad in October 2021 and he was an absolute rock to us and my mum while we got through that. This is hitting so differently.
Not sure how to deal with Christmas, New Year, any of it. I feel useless.
We can’t hold the funeral until 13th January either so this is going to eat into the early new year as well.
Im sorry to anyone else that is currently struggling x

I lost my Dad in very similar circumstances on 1 December. He was only in his mid sixties and fit and healthy. We suspect it was a cardiac arrest but are waiting the results of the autopsy. I am also going through a marriage breakup which my family are unaware of which is just adding to the confusion and hurt.
My mum and brothers are in bits and I am being strong for them but inside I am slowly withering away. My dad was so strong and my whole world has ended.
Sending hugs and love xxxx

I am so sorry @SleepymummyZzz and @SliceoQuiche .

I lost my Dad suddenly three years ago, he died in his sleep. That it was peaceful and quick was a comfort but I was in shock for quite a while. Sending hugs.

@SliceoQuiche I lost my Dad on the 24th September 2021, so just over a year ago in identical circumstances! Dad was fit healthy and well. It was a Thursday, I popped round to his and my mum’s house on my way to do the food shopping and was talking to Dad like normal. I only popped in for a cup of tea for half an hour. Mum rang me that night and she had paramedics on the floor with Dad. Heart attack from nowhere and he’s gone into cardiac arrest.
I still haven’t got over the shock of this or got used to him not being here, so I totally know what you’re feeling. And believe me when I say that a year down the line, you still feel the same shock and disbelief at what’s happened. You’re not on your own, this is a wonderful thread.

@SleepymummyZzz So sorry for your loss as well as @SliceoQuiche , it’s just over a year now since we lost my Dad from a sudden and out of nowhere heart attack and he went into cardiac arrest. This happened on a Thursday night and he passed at 3.19pm on the Friday in hospital with me and my mum and sister holding his hands and just wanting to die ourselves at the time. Christmas will be a very painful difficult time, there’s no denying that and this will be our 2nd one without my Dad and we feel just the same as last year. Another painful Christmas without my Dad which we are all dreading. I’d love to say that a year down the line it feels easier but it doesn’t. You just wake up each day and keep putting one foot in front of the other and take each day as it comes.
I wish I could say something comforting but you will find comfort from everyone on here. We’re all unfortunately in the same boat on a painful journey together x

I agree @LucyintheSky21 it is hard to explain when you lose someone suddenly how hard it is to get your head around it. It does feel easier three years on but I still can't believe it and holidays, birthdays and Christmas are when missing him is heightened considerably.

@DorritLittle - Hi there, so sorry for your loss too. Three years is still no time at all. I’m just over a year and it feels no different for me or my Mum. We still feel this constant ache since losing my Dad. And you’re right, that it’s the special times that hit you the hardest, Christmas and birthday’s. We’re so used to them being there for these special times, and it’s having them there with us that makes things special. This time last year we were about to face our first xmas without my Dad, and now we have to face another.

I am so sorry @SliceoQuiche (and to everyone) I too lost my mum very suddenly in 2020.

I got a call to say she had collapsed and the paramedics were working on her and when I go there an hour later she was gone. That was it, my world changed irreversibly with no warning at all.

I feel relieved that my mum didn't suffer but I still feel traumatised by the suddenness of it all.

It's such early days for you, I hope you have support? Keep going, keep putting one foot in front of the other and take any help and comfort that you can.

Found out the latest weight of my newest Grandson yesterday and instantly thought "I need to ring Mum and let her know" but I couldn't. The little things seem to hurt the most, still very early days for us here. Having to buy a Christmas card that just said to Dad rather than Mum and Dad broke my heart, Mum was a card sender for everything and so I couldn't not send one. Still havent cried properly though, no doubt I will at some point.

My mum died very suddenly in November. It was unexpected- she was frail but nothing to suggest this was imminent. Huge shock- she passed in her sleep so no pain, no fear for her which is a blessing. But I feel broken. We had the funeral and it was as good as it could be but I still can't believe she is gone. I keep picking up things for her in the supermarket, keep picking up my phone to call her and she's not there. I don't know how to make it seem real that she has gone.

@grosslyunfair same here. I keep thinking "oh Mum would love that
" and finding myself in pieces

@grosslyunfair
I was like this for a long time after my mum passed away following a suddenly illness in March 2021. Like you I used to look at things in the shops and want to buy them for my mum like a magazine or something else which I thought my mum would love. I also used to always be searching for places where we could have gone with each other for lunch or to a new shop or holiday destination and I continue to do this from time to time but much less than before. I still crave sharing my life with my mum and telling her about my day and the kids how they are getting on. I think everyday how much I'd love to pick up the phone and have a chat and I feel quilty that I never fully appreciated just how much my mum was part of me and my life. My mum was just always there for me as I was for her too and then suddenly she is no longer here. I think eventually your subconscious mind realises that your loved one is gone and when I think about how much I would like to share something with mum, I know deep down that I no longer can. It's really tough but as time passes by you cope a little better every month that passes.

I spent months searching out people who seemed like a mother figure wondering if that person sometimes even strangers or people I met through work could fill in any off the deep loss and sadness I felt without my mum. Thankfully that feeling has left me that searching for someone or something to fill the void.

It's a long road and some days it still feels unreal but my grief is far more manageable now than in the earlier months when I thought that I was loosing shit and could barely function.

Keep looking after yourself.

@grosslyunfair so sorry for your loss. I remember the first Christmas I had lost my mum 8 months after she passed and I put some clothes for her in my basket on next online like it was a totally normal thing to do when I went to check out it hit me like a tonne of bricks. Nearly 3 years on and it still hurt: so much every day, although I don't know why I would expect any different but it is exhausting

Lost my lovely mum in October. I was shopping In town yesterday in a shop she used to get us bubble bath for Christmas! Made me feel sad and nostalgic. I miss our chats on the phone so so much, we spoke at least once a day and I would pick up the phone to call her about every silly little thing. 'Hello darling' would come down the line. God I miss her ❤️

@lollipoprainbow literally heart wrenching isn't it

I lost my mum last year on the 29th. She was 74. Just read @Ralphiesaurus post & it resonated. My mum had a good life well lived too & she did her best for us but was also not very emotionally there. She loved my children fiercely though.

She had an inoperable brain tumour & the last few months were hard. It's been a hard year for other reasons & I've been depressed but was feeling a bit better these last couple of months until recently. I wasn't expecting to feel this. I'm not sure if it's just the grief or remembering how hard it was this time last year.

My dad is great & been trying his best but honestly although it's been good to be there for him, it's also been another burden & I just feel so tired.

Hoping everyone finds strength to get through the next couple of weeks & some hope for brighter times ahead 💐

I lost my Mum at the end of November. She had had liposarcoma cancer for 9 years with a period of remission after her first surgery. She got her terminal diagnosis in October and treatment was withdrawn. In November she was breathless and had a bad cough. Went into A and E and was told it had spread across her lungs and two weeks later she was dead. I think I'm in shock still and really struggling. My Mum and me had a complicated relationship I suppose. I didn't have the best childhood but as adults we were very close and she was my the person I spent the most time with. We shared a lot of interests and would talk all the time. I had a very close relationship with my Grandma who passed away a couple of years ago and now my Mum has gone too. I feel really alone. I also feel quite daunted about being the only female left in my close family. I know this probably sounds stupid and I won't explain it well - e.g. I went out with my Dad and husband the other week and they were ignoring me over silly little things. In these circumstances my Mum would usually be there to back me up and they'd listen but now she's not I'm just totally ignored and eye rolled at. So I either have to nag or just leave it. I'm not looking forward to this dynamic forever. I just feel adrift and really sad.

@Cococrab I'm sorry for your loss. I'm also the only daughter, although I have 3 brothers. It's surprising the things that affect you that you'd never have thought of.

We're flying off to my in-laws today so hoping that will be enough of a distraction for a few days

Sending lots of love to everybody x

Hi everyone,
Just popping on to say that I’ll be thinking of everyone on here tomorrow who has lost either their Mum or Dad, and sending love and strength to everyone to get through the day.
It’s over a year now since I lost my amazing Dad, and I feel somehow sort of worse this xmas than I did last year. I don’t know if that’s because I was still in shock and denial last xmas. For the new people on here, my Dad passed suddenly and very unexpectedly after being very healthy and well. A sudden and out of nowhere heart attack in September 2021 and he didn’t survive 24 hours. I’m still in shock every day at Dad not being here, it’s certainly not getting any easier.
My Dad was a huge part of xmas and xmas day, it just feels so hard now without him.
Anyway, I really do hope that everyone manages to get through tomorrow the best that they can. It’s such a happy time of year, but the hardest time when you have lost someone so close.
@Crunchymum How are you? I love to read your posts on here, you always uplift me a little xx

I've been at Mum's all week with my Son but it really hit me today, I was walking back home with my partner after a last min trip to the shops. We had managed to track down some mulled wine where shops earlier in the week had run out. Just kind if hit me that we were heading back to the house and I wouldn't be having a glass of mulled wine while helping Dad cook the dinner tomorrow :(

Mum's grief is constant but I think because I have my own family to run around after and so much to do with a full time job etc that sometimes I almost forget and its a little kick again.

Anyway we are still making the magic happen tomorrow for my Sons benefit, he is 5 so prime believing territory. It's going to be a hard one though.

Sending thoughts and strength to everyone else this difficult time.

Christmas number 3 without my mum i feel just as flat as the first it's awful and I have two children I should be able to get a grip for I just can't be arsed

First Christmas without my dad’s, who died in September. I’ve been really up and down today, which is weird because neither he nor I particularly like Xmas! Even King Charlie’s speech set me off, as the queen died a few weeks before my dad and her funeral was as he went onto end of life care.

Hugs to everyone missing someone.

Hi @mrssunshinexxx I second what you said in your post earlier. It’s my second xmas without my Dad and it feels just as hard without him. I’m sure it doesn’t get any easier. Are things still the same with your Dad? x