For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (March 2022) )

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4352163-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-September-2021

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

Carry on rambling. I’m really sore for your loss. I have a similar relationship with my mum. I love her and she loves me, but we’ve never had that close mother/daughter thing. I was much closer to my dad. I’ve been caring for her for a good few years now, and feel like I have to live my life around her, that my life is on hold. She has an illness that means she doesn’t have much emotion or chat nowadays, so it’s not very rewarding. But she’s done loads for me over the years and I would never step away.

My dad died in September and I had the whole responsibility of organising everything. I remember that feeling of being overwhelmed sometimes. Why is your older sister not helping? Can you not just tell her to pick some hymns or readings (don’t ask)? I’m atheist too, but you might find the minister can help you sort the funeral out and that’s one box ticked. Would your dad have any idea for readings/hymns?

As for your dad’s care - could you pay for carer’s for him (as in he pays)? You simply can’t do everything.

And take it one step at a time. Get the funeral organised. Then start on closing accounts or probate etc. I’m early two months down the line and I still have things to close (almost there). The bereavement teams at the banks and phone companies I’ve contacted have been so kind and gentle. Not one of them have asked why I’ve taken so long to contact them.

Most of all look after yourself. You’ll have ups and downs, and the downs rush in when you least expect.

I’m having a tough day today. My beloved dad died at the end of September after being pretty much failed by the NHS. It would have been his 82nd birthday today. I’ve spent it closing his last bank account. Feeling a bit weepy today! The grey, rainy day doesn’t help!

@Honeyroar sorry for your loss I lost my lovely mum six weeks ago and have just finished dealing with all her financial affairs it's sad

Sorry for your loss too. It’s not fun, is it. Doesn’t feel real yet.

Thinking of everyone with the build up starting for Christmas it's a stark reminder of those who are absent. This will be my 2nd Christmas without my mum. I think about her every single day sometimes still in disbelief that I will never see her again. There's so much I want to still share with her. I miss her unconditional love and always being there for me. My mum was such a non judgemental loving sole who suffered terribly for years with crippling anxiety. I wish I had been more patient with her. I tried my best. It's hard to believe that she died at just 66 years old. The unfairness is brutal.

We put on a smile for our children and other loved ones at this time if the year but behind the smile is an eternal sadness, a longing to see my mum again. It never leaves me, it's always there in the background. I know everyone here will get what am talking about. My mum's birthday is at the end of the month it's her 68th birthday. I will go and light a candle at the cemetery. I think about her a lot under the ground. Very grim I know and I try to push this to the back of my head. It's best not to think about the facts, I know but they creep in every now and then.

People say be thankful and cherish memories and I do, of course I do but even now so many months after the initial loss of my mum all of these memories are overshadowed still with the unexpected loss. I suppose that will never go away as it was so unexpected my mum dying like that.

Sending everyone strength to keep going and get through the festive season x

I'm struggling after losing my lovely mum 7 weeks ago. I was ok after she died as there was lots to organise and lots of people messaging, sharing memories and talking about her etc, keeping busy but now the funeral is over, the ashes have been collected and I feel so sad. She had dementia at the end and I'm glad she is free of it but I'm missing the mum before the dementia. Can't believe I won't see her or hear her call me darling again. Unconditional love and always there that was mum.

I am the same @lollipoprainbow this part feels harder than the immediate aftermath and @Ttc42nearly43 I have mixed feelings about Christmas coming up. It will be my son's first Xmas and it's so lovely but it will also be the first without my Dad. Sending hugs to all of you.

I wonder if anyone one here has been through bereavement counselling and if so, did you find it helpful and when did you realise you needed a little more help? ----

@Iamnotalemming I've been offered it free as part of the funeral directors afterservice but not sure if I'll take it up. I'm just sad which is perfectly natural so not sure it would help me.

Sending lots of love and strength and light to old and new posters. Grief is such a universal but such an isolating experience. .

It will be my 3rd Christmas since the sudden and unexpected loss of my mum, and I suppose on balance it does get 'easier' for want of a better word.

That first Christmas was Hellish. It was just 3 months after she died and it was in deepest, darkest covid lockdown. The whole world was miserable 😪

My mum was a huge Christmas lover. She made it a huge deal every year and I swore after Christmas 2020, I was never going to have a miserable Christmas again. I was going to channel my "inner mum" and give my children all the joy and laughter and happy memories she gave me and my siblings. I miss her so much and in some moments I cannot believe I've coped without her. I can't believe my world carried on when I felt like it couldn't / wouldn't. I didn't think I could handle a day in a world where she no longer existed.

Yet we do cope and carry on and we even have moments of joy and laughter because our lost parents gave us the love and strength and memories and tenacity to live after they are gone. We are them and they are us ❤️

Lovely words @Crunchymum

Hi,
Hope noone minds me posting, I lost my Dad on 30th October (3 weeks ago), I now have no parents, my Mud died 20 years ago.

He was 83 nearly 84 and had had several brushes with death, this was number 6. He had prostate cancer (diagnosed in July) which spread to his bones. He didn't know the extent of it and he wanted it that way. His liver failed in the end. He went into hospital on 26th October. He was so terribly weak and thin. I went with him in the ambulance, my Sister followed in the car. I held his hand and the Coldplay song Fix It was playing. I knew this could never be fixed.

We had the funeral last Monday and I managed to speak, as did my Sister. Really thought it was beyond me. He got the death he wanted, a few weeks previously he told me that he wanted to die in hospital with his daughters there holding his hand. He got his wish, it was peaceful, unlike my Mum's death which still haunts me.

Day to day I am doing ok, sometimes I think I'm too ok and I feel guilty. Today I dont feel ok, I have no energy and had to go back to bed this afternoon. I am self-employed and back working, I didn't work for a couple of days before he died and for a week afterwards. Also took two days off for the funeral, luckily had the flexibility to rejig things. Despite having quite a lot of sleep the last few days, I am so very tired. I'm trying to push through cause life doesn't stop for anyone, scared of burdening people in real life too much, although I do have some lovely friends and a husband and two teenage boys, lucky I know. Family relations were difficult at times for various reasons, so he didn't have a relationship with my Sons.
I loved my Dad so much, luckily he knew. Its so hard, I need my strength and energy but dont always know where to find them.

I'm so sorry for other people who have lost a parent, sending love to everyone.

Beautiful and very true words @Crunchymum xx
How are you doing? Just reading your post about this Christmas being your 3rd without your Mum. This one will be our second without Dad, and exactly what you said about the first Christmas is so true. Last Christmas was just hellish for us. A really gruelling painful day that I was glad to get through. Yet I had to make it as ‘nice’ as it could be for my two boys. It was also 3 months exactly at Christmas since we lost Dad, he was tragically taken on the 24th September. It was just 3 months on Christmas Eve last year. I am yet again not looking forward to another Christmas without Dad, I can picture him in his Christmas hat that he’d get out of one of the crackers and he’d insist we all wore one around the dinner table having our Christmas dinner. And he’d be first to pass around the tins of chocolate after Christmas. Your words on here in all of your posts are very fitting and true, and uplifting in a way, but how do you keep being so positive? I wish I could be more optimistic and positive about things getting better or easier, but it just doesn’t feel like any of this is. If anything, it feels harder because I miss my Dad so more,?the more time that goes by. xx

Bless you @LucyintheSky21 it's very kind of you to say. I promise I'm not some zen, mindful person who is at peace with things now.

I'm still angry and rageful and sad and full of insurmountable grief but I tend to keep that part of me on a leash!! I am doing better and I do feel better but none of this is a choice. I can only chose what emotions I allow into my day to day life and I try with all my mite to make them positive emotions as much as I can. Only because that's what my mum did. She lost her mum when I was 7 and she was bereft (she also had a baby that very same day - my sister was born about 5 hours after her mum died - so there was a lot of trauma there) but my mum was strong and positive and a real force of nature. She worked hard to make herself happy because she wanted us to see her and know her as happy. It's my tribute I guess.... and it's a work in progress as I'm still a lost little soul half the time.

I actually found 12-18 months the hardest time. I don't know why but I felt so lost and anchorless and untethered? I remember saying to someone I was 'motherless' and they said "if you were loved by your mother and you loved your mother, you can never ever be motherless. Not for a second" it's a sentiment I try to live by.

I am so sorry for your loss @Octopus45

I don't post on here much but it was so helpful when I lost my Dad three years ago. I still feel lost without him but time helps.

I know what you mean about feelimg anchorless @Crunchymum. I definitely felt that way for at least 18 months.

My wonderful Dad passed away in September age 89. My Mum, who is 90 is now in a care home and hating it. It’s not her home and I dont think she’s be happy anywhere other than in her home.

This, unfortunately is not possible as although she has some savings, the house will need to be sold in the near future and despite it being a beautiful home, its layout isn’t helpful with a step up here and a step down there and now downstairs loo.

So. We are all going to my daughters for Christmas. I’m dreading it. I think it’ll be collect mum, eat Dinner, exchange presents and take her back.

In the middle of this, I just want my dad to be here and give me a hug.

I want to cancel Christmas 😪

Sending you a virtual hug @Borntobeamum , its all very hard with Christmas round the corner. Its early days for your Mum in the care home, it may be that she starts to feel more settled soon, so hard though when they're not happy where they are

Mum passed away in the early hours of Christmas eve 2020, it was a shock to us all. My Dad passed away in June this year, at home, an expected death.

I don't really know who I am anymore. I know that might sound silly but I'm not the person I was but I don't know who I am now.

We had our Mom’s funeral on Tuesday and like you I was okay, absolutely fine, in the time between losing her and then. I went into organiser mode which is what I’m good at. Even at the funeral I was fine, and I was comforting people who weren’t.

I think it’s started to hit me now though that I’ll never see her again. As I said on here a week or so ago, we didn’t have a typical mother-daughter relationship…but now I’m missing her presence. I wish I’d been a better daughter. My husband assures me that I was a good one. I visited often, was always there when she needed something and always offered help. I can see where he’s coming from but I have regrets, I hope she knew that I loved her despite the fact that we didn’t have that closeness.

I still can’t believe how quickly she went downhill. A year ago people wouldn’t believe she was the age she was, she’d always been so fit and healthy. We honestly believed she’d see 100. I have a picture of her last year on her 86th birthday when we all met up for coffee and cake at a lovely little coffee shop in the nearby country park and she looks amazing. By her 87th birthday she was housebound and was mostly confined to an orthopedic recliner.

@MadisonAvenue I'm so sorry for your loss. You sound as if you have been a lovely daughter x

My Dad died 2 months ago, 6 days after he was taken ill. I'm devastated but have focused on what needed to be done. My mum has health issues and never expected to out live him, she's doing really well under the circumstances but there is so much to do, my Dad did all the admin. We have just found we need probate to transfer his bank accounts, thought as they were married it would be automatic.

Coming back to their house it feels so empty without him here, I miss him so much.

@Iamnotalemming

I had early intervention counselling and 6 months after a further 6 sessions with Cruse Bereavement I think that this helped me process my thoughts a bit in terms of I had a lot of guilt just from different things, thoughts that I had created in my own head to punish myself further. Talking to someone helped me let go of a lot of my regrets and feelings that I could have been a better daughter. I was a good daughter I stuck by my mum through thick and thin even when everyone else walked away. I was so focused on what I didn't say or do than looking at the things I had done that was good and supportive. I helped my mum a lot over the years but I couldn't see any of that through my grief.

It's definitely worth trying I'd say. My mum died very unexpectedly at a young age of just 66 years old. To me this was young anyway and I wasn't prepared at all to no longer have my mum in my life. I was totally grief stricken literally I wanted to died honestly it was the worst feeling ever. I just couldn't cope with my feelings it was totally overwhelming. Thankfully am no longer in that dark place anymore my mum died in March last year.

For me I needed someone to help me make sense of what happened and help me unravel the turmoil that was inside my own head so I went to Cruse Bereavement for help. I'd definitely recommend them.

@LivingDeadGirlUK
I just wanted to reach out to you as my mum also died after a sudden illness. She was in hospital for 11 days then she was gone just like that.

You do miss them so much it's been such a terrible time in my family loosing mum like that and so unexpectedly. We muddle on but life isn't the same not by a long shot. I have gone back to work, life is moving along as before but there is one huge piece missing it just leaves you with an emptiness inside doesn't it 💔

Sorry for your loss @Ttc42nearly43 Yes I was back at the family home over the last few days, helping mum with all the mountains of paperwork there is to deal with. The house feels so empty without Dad there, kinda on a multisensory level as well. My Dad loved music and cooking, so the sounds and smells are missing.

.Hello. Mum died on Saturday. She was 94. It wasn’t entirely unexpected, and I was able to be there in her last weeks, days, and was by her side when she died. Although she had a week of awful pain and struggling, her final 24 hours were managed well by the palliative care team and she died peacefully in the end

The past few years had been hard, with her declining but staunchly resisting help. So there is some sense of relief that the worry and fear about her trying to manage, and having to pick up the pieces when things went awry, has gone.

Anyway. I’m very sad she’s not here anymore, even though hers was a long life, well-lived. My Dad died back in 1988, and my only sibling, my older sister, in 1984. So…

I have a DH and two wonderful children (14 & 17) and I have grieved before so I know I will get through it, but I feel so sad.

She wasn’t a paragon (and obvs neither am I!) and over the years our relationship wasn’t always easy. She was of the generation where emotions aren’t a thing, and she wasn’t a warm Mum. But she was MY Mum, and she was an awesome awesome person in many ways… a legend.

No idea why I am telling you all this… just I am so so sad she’s gone.