For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (March 2022) )

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4352163-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-September-2021

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

Hi @Ttc42nearly43

I’m so sorry about your Dad. You’re right, he is no age at 77 and hopefully has a long time left with you all. And you’re not being selfish. My mum doesn’t actually say she wants to die but she says it in another way. She will say that she has no life without Dad and no life worth living etc and that this is no life etc, she all but says it if that makes sense. She is struggling like your Dad, of course they are and I think what they’re feeling is perfectly normal. It’s hard as you say for all of us, I don’t want to lose my Mum as you don’t want to lose your Dad, but we can understand they feel their lives have no purpose anymore.
I do hope your Dad will a let some help with his drinking and I hope he gets better soon but I know it’s tough getting them to want to do that.
I haven’t been to the doctors about me at all, I think I’m just becoming used to being a walking zombie and surviving on little sleep.
Has anything improved or changed with you and your Husband? x

Can I join you all ?

I lost my lovely dad 8 weeks ago tomorrow and am just lost. He was 87 so a good age and had mid stage dementia but was doing really well still happy at home, knew who we all were and was still great fun. He went very quickly after a fall - very poor care in hospital and a rehab unit and in a month he was gone. We are heartbroken and my poor mum left alone after 60 years of marriage.

I’m an only child and just feel so responsible for mum and for what happened to dad. I miss him so bloody much too - my dad was our constant and was such a lovely fun and enthusiastic man who loved life.

Then 2 weeks ago my dhs dad passed away - that was expected as he had terminal cancer. But to lose 2 dads in 6 weeks.

Dh and I have had a huge row yesterday it feels like a competition in grief and sadness. I’m just so bloody angry and tired out and god I miss my dad so much. I had such a vivid and lovely dream last night about him. 💔

Hi @Benji13

That's heartbreaking to lose 2 dads in such quick succession

And it's very hard on relationships, I've come very close to calling it a day on my 30 year relationship after losing my Mum, like your Dad, she was 87 and had dementia but very much mid stage and still living independently, albeit with some supervision. Then within 48 hours, she was gone

I'm still working on my feelings of abandonment, in the meantime, I'm working on focusing on, " is it true, is it necessary, is it kind?" Before speaking to my OH. I don't know if we will survive this, but I have to try.

I lost my lovely Dad last night. He was 75 and had been battling cancer for 6 years. I feel like I've been grieving his loss in advance for years but it's still a bloody awful shock. My Mum who has nursed him at home for the past 9 months is in pieces. I'm trying to be strong and am doing the calls to let ppl know and make the arrangements. I feel in a daze and wonder when it is going to sink in. I can't believe I am never going to see him or speak to him again.
I also have a 9 month old baby and I am trying not to get too upset in front of him because he cries when he thinks me or DH are in pain.

I am so sorry @Iamnotalemming

My Dad would have been 75 next year. It really sucks and I remember the feeling of shock. Sending hugs 💐

Hi @Iamnotalemming I just wanted to say how truly sorry I am and that it made me think of me, when I first posted on here. It’s just a year since we had my Dad stolen, and I say stolen because he was just 74 and should have had so much longer left to live. He too would be 75 now. It was a total shock to us and I’m still, a year on in the same shock. It hasn’t sunk in for me in a whole year. I understand your pain.

Thank you @LucyintheSky21and @DorritLittleit's totally unreal isn't it. He so wanted to see his grandson grow up and that's been robbed of him and us. I'm trying to take comfort from the fact he was here long enough to meet my DS.

@Ttc42nearly43 I'm really sorry you are going through this and I do hope I aren't speaking out of turn but I think it's awful he says that when he has children and grandchildren and that isn't what your mum would want surely she would want him to live and love and look after you all, he is being very selfish putting that on you

@Iamnotalemming Yes, it is totally unreal. We have just passed the one year mark since losing my Dad and it still feels like six months ago. Not that a year is a long time, as it’s not at all. I think when you’re not expecting it as well, the shock factor stays with you. Like you, I can only take comfort in the fact that my Dad knew my two boys and was a huge part of their lives, but I feel robbed of my Dad and it crushes me that he isn’t going to be around for longer with my two boys. My oldest idolised my Dad, when he passed over my son said ‘I’ve lost my Bestfriend’ and that comment still hurts me every time I think of it. Honestly and truly I don’t know what is the answer to how any of us get through this, you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

@mrssunshinexxx

I know I feel like we mean nothing to him. He is sober again for now and has been very unwell with it all. It's an emotional rollercoaster that's for sure.

Welcome to everyone who is just joining the group. None of us want to be there but we find ourselves thrust into this awful grief situation that's completely unmanageable. I feel for everyone just starting this journey. We are all here to support each other.

@AskMo
Similar to yourself am not sure my marriage will hold up we have tried counselling which worked in the moment. I think when u loose a parent it throws up all sorts of questions about other relationships. I told my husband 3 weeks after my mum died last March that I wanted a separation but I was too chicken to pull it off. We are not really in an any better place now but we are still together. Well I'd say that we are parenting our children in the same house and that's about all it is now.

Thinking about everyone x

I've been following these threads this past year since losing my mum. Been getting by ok with therapy and keeping busy. Very up and down. It's coming up to the first anniversary and I'm definitely feeling more emotional these last few days. She died within a few months of being diagnosed with cancer and I still feel like she's just gone away on holiday. Really miss her.

@Ttc42nearly43 I hate it my dad continues to hurt me he told me the other day my mum would be horrified by how I'm treating him and his partner. I just am NC with them 99.9% of the time to protect myself not sure how that's horrifying in comparison to him moving another woman into my mums house 4 months after her death following 40 years of marriage. Now that's something that would horrify her. He's a dick

@toycat probably doesn't help you but I'm 2.5 years down and still tell myself she's on holiday or blank it out all together it's the only way i can cope

@mrssunshinexxx
This is so sad he is obviously just looking at matters from his own perspective. I remember my aunt when her husband died years ago. I think I might have mentioned this to you already. She was dating someone after 3 months. Everyone in the family was shocked and she now says that she wasn't in the right frame of mind looking back. Everyone is different of course your dad has maybe moved this woman in mask his own grief it's so hard for everyone in this situation I really feel for you. I actually wish my dad would meet someone as he is so socially isolated he's such a lonely person. I see him as much as I can but even though there are other family members they don't bother so its all in my shoulders to make sure he's ok. I would do anything to keep him safe but as I previously mentioned it's so hard as he is an alcoholic and he self harms with alcohol to a very risky high level. The situation has stabilized somewhat but am on tender hooks all the time not knowing what will happen next. My mum coped with this for most of her marriage although to a much less frequently scale god she was such a strong woman am in awe of how the hell she managed this over the years. My thoughts are that maybe if he wasn't alone so much he wouldnt be so depressed and he wouldn't drink and rather selfishly maybe I wouldn't need to keep missing out on stick with my kids and taking time off work to take him to the drs or the hospital or whatever else I need to do for him while he's going through a binge session but It's unlikely he will find love again at 77 years old and with all of his baggage not many would stick around I think 😞 I don't grudge my dad my time definitely not it's just a lot off pressure.

Take care x

Hi everyone. It was my Dad's funeral on Monday. It was a lovely service and exactly what he would have wanted, and that gives me comfort. I'm just wondering if it's normal for me to feel this exhausted now... the last few weeks have been an emotional whirlwind but now I just feel very flat and still and tired to my bones.

@Iamnotalemming yes, totally normal in my experience, exhausted but finding it hard to sleep as I keep seeing her in my minds eye

@Iamnotalemming it was my mums two weeks ago, it was a beautiful service and a wonderful send off but after the whirlwind of organising I also feel very flat and tired. The reality now is life without her.

@Ttc42nearly43 gosh it's a mess isn't it and so much pressure and stress on you, you are grieving your mum too, does he acknowledge this? Men can be so selfish

@mrssunshinexxx
No he doesn't acknowledge the pressure his drinking puts on me. He just says things like it's time I was with your mum which makes me feel like absolutely shit.

Yes @Ttc42nearly43 it's so fucking selfish, why can't these men step up and be dads! I'm done with mine I've had to get off this toxic roundabout

Can I please join? I lost my Dad 3 weeks ago to cancer, he was only 65. My family live at the other end of the country so I was driving miles each week to help my mum care for him at home during the last 8 weeks of his life.

Watching him deteriorate and become so ill was very traumatic. He was skin and bone at the end, barely recognisable as my lovely Dad. I was with him when he died which I’m glad about but now I’m haunted by his face and how he looked after he died. I’m also having vivid dreams about him being still alive and healthy which really upset me when I wake up and realise they’re not real.

Dad’s death has devastated me in a way I didn’t expect. I cry every day at the drop of a hat and just feel so sad for him being taken so soon by such a horrible disease. The exhaustion is also crushing, I’ve never felt tiredness like it. Hoping things get easier over the coming weeks.

Sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad in a similar way 4 weeks ago. Terminal cancer but a chest infection took him very quickly at the end. I feel more tired out and upset since the funeral was done somehow. I've really struggled this week in particular. But I've taken today and tomorrow off work and am throwing myself into gardening to be outside and moving and distracted (currently having lunch break). Also sent DH to shops to get all fav comfort food. What I am trying to say is that I am finding it helps to prioritise looking after yourself for a bit which is not easy after a prolonged period of holding it together for everyone else.
Big hugs 💐

Sorry for your loss too. I know what you mean about holding together for everyone else. Around the funeral, I was in super organising mode, getting stuff done, almost in some kind of autopilot. It really hit me last week and this week I’m finding it tough. Im still off work as I can’t imagine being able to function there right now and my manager is being very supportive.

Comfort foods sound like a really good idea! Hugs to you too 💐

Lost my dad on 5th November. A shock as he was fit and well 79. Had survived cancer. He had a haemorragic stroke the Tuesday before and passed 4 days after which was horrible.

My mum and dad had been together almost 60 years, mum's been very good considering. I think we are all still in shock. She's living with me at the moment but I'm finding it difficult, I must sound horrible. My siblings live too far away to help so I will be the one it falls on mainly.

Trying to organise finances etc, sibling is helping with that remotely.

I lost my husband suddenly 5 years ago so I am familiar with the process.

Just joining for support and to support others x

Can I join?
My mother passed away last week. She was 87 and up until 6 months ago was healthy and quite fit but she suddenly became very frail over time.

I don’t know how I’m feeling. We didn’t have a typical mother-daughter relationship. I think she struggled to understand me. I have an older sister, older by 12 years, and she was the daughter that my mother expected to have. She cooked, knitted, sewed, played the piano and violin, listened to classical music, had dancing lessons. Then I came along years later and loved football, loud music and riding my bike, I had no interest in anything my sister had enjoyed and I don’t think she could ever work that out.

We didn’t ever go on shopping trips, she wouldn’t just call me for a chat…she was a lovely lady but we just didn’t seem to have much of a bond.
It’s weird. My husband asked me last week what was my happiest memory of my mother and I honestly can’t think of anything. All I remember is constantly being in trouble and her exasperation with me. My happy memories from childhood and growing up were with other people and that makes me feel really sad. I’m hoping that in time I’ll remember some good times.

The main thing I’m feeling at the moment is annoyance and being overwhelmed. Everything, including the wellbeing of our father, is being dumped on me. I’ve now got a minister wanting to meet and talk, but as an atheist I don’t feel I can have any input on a religious service.

Sorry for rambling on.