For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (March 2022) )

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4352163-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-September-2021

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

Please can I join in. I'm so sorry for everyone s stories. There's so much to think about.

Hi everyone,

I keep dipping in and out of this thread, work is consuming me at the moment.
Sorry to read everyone’s stories, it’s heartbreaking.
@LucyintheSky21 you’ve been on my mind. How are you coping leading up to the anniversary and your birthday? I tried to PM you but I couldn’t figure out how to do it. I’ve been really sad this week. I’ve found the Queen’s death triggering so have tried to avoid social media. I sound awful but I’d give anything for my dad to have lived into his 90’s, to have been at his grandkids weddings and to have seen me into my 40’s let alone my 60’s.

Hi @Motheranddaughtertotwo
i have private messaged you but it wasn’t easy to do. Will you have a look and see if it worked xx

Hi all, not sure if anyone will remember me but I've taken some time off social media. Would be nice to be back on this thread around people who understand this hell.

@Ttc42nearly43 just read your latest post it made me sad. How are things with your dh now ? Have you thought about splitting since losing your mum or were there issues before ?

Hi @mrssunshinexxx
How lovely to see you back on here. Of course I remember you well. I have thought about you a few times recently and wondered how you’re coping with everything. How are you doing?

I remember what happened with your Dad and your relationship with him had become quite strained understandably after he moved on with someone else. I remember all your posts and everything that happened following losing your mum. I also remember you weren’t too far away from me.
It can be hard to remember everyone’s circumstances, but I lost my Dad suddenly and unexpectedly last September at only 74. You might remember. And every day since it just gets harder, that’s how I feel.

It’s actually my birthday tomorrow, which means that on Saturday it’ll be a year since I lost my amazing Dad. I can’t believe it will have been a year and it devastates me that he won’t be here for my birthday tomorrow, so I’ve chosen not to celebrate or do anything for it. I’m actually just going to visit my Dad at the cemetery while the boys are at school.

Saturday will be the hardest day for me and I’m dreading it. So last year we had my bday and the next night Dad was rushed into hospital after a very sudden and unexpected heart attack and he died the next day on the Friday. So my birthday will always be a bleak time. I feel like it’ll always be a big black cloud that over shadows my birthday.

On Saturday I just plan to be with my mum and my DH and our two boys. My sister is no contact now with my mum or us. I plan to go and get some nice helium balloons for my Dad, the boys want bright yellow love heart balloons and want to attach a message to them with string and we will go visit my Dad with my mum and send our balloons up to Dad, with our little messages tied to them. It sounds a sweet idea but it’s heartbreaking that he’s not here. As you know, it doesn’t get easier.

How are you doing? How long has it been now since your mum? And how are things now with you and your Dad, has anything changed? It would be lovely for you to be back on here. xx

@Ttc42nearly43 - How are things with you? What’s happened now with your puppy and your DH? I so hope your DH has come round to the idea and that everything in that sense is ok.

Hello @mrssunshinexxx I too remember you well and think of you often.

I hope your lovely little babies are doing well?

It was actually a really good time for me to see your name pop up. It's my mum's two year anniversary today and I remember you right from the very beginning of me joining these sad threads.

I absolutely cannot believe I managed to last a day without my lovely mum, let alone two whole years. I miss her immeasurably, all the time but I have also come to a place of peace.

I don't feel that awful, crushing, physical sadness of the earlier days. I feel like I carry it very deeply now, like I have a sadness in my veins and its just part of who I am now.

I try not to dwell on all the things mum hasn't been here to see, I try to think of them as things we've all accomplished as a family because of her love and support and guidance. She isn't physically here but we are all testament to the women she was. We are her and she is us

21st of September is always going to be a poignant and pivotal date for me. My whole universe shifted that day. But I am okay. I am comforted to know that I was loved and love is eternal. Love never dies.

Hi @Crunchymum

How are you feeling today? Sorry, I’ve only just read your post to @mrssunshinexxx and I didn’t realise it was the anniversary for your mum today. Sending you lots of love and support on here. Another one of us with September as that pivotal month. How have you got through the day today?
It’s the one year anniversary for my Dad on the 24th, so on Saturday and I feel like I just can’t believe a year has passed.
I had to comment on your post because I think what you say about love being eternal is just such a lovely and perfectly right thing to say. And how you say about trying to think of not the things that your mum has missed but the things you have all accomplished due to the love and guidance and influence of your mum being in your lives. It just reads as a really lovely and uplifting post because it is really how I hope we will all feel eventually. I hope in time that I will be able to look at life for me and my family in the same way. It’s just one year on for us this Saturday and I still feel the deepest pain and sadness and it doesn’t take much to reduce me to tears. It’s still very raw for me. But in time I hope i can begin to see things with the outlook that you have come to. Your post has given me a glimmer of hope that eventually I might just get there too xx

I lost my Popsie on Tuesday , he had battled Parkinson’s for over a decade but the end was quite sudden - admitted to hospital with urinary sepsis then pneumonia and he passed away with my stroking his lovely hair and telling him how much I loved him. It was 6 days from admission to hospital to the end and they tried so hard to save him , I had a lovely couple of hours with him on Saturday night just me and him and we listened to the radio and held hands and I will treasure that little window of time til he was taken.

Sending you lots of love and light and strength for today@LucyintheSky21

The year anniversary is so painful and poignant and just so bloody hard. We mark everything by the passing of time and a whole year without a beloved parent is unimaginable, even though you've been living it for the past 365 days.

I hope you've been able to take some time today to remember your dad and to feel close to him. His love is always with you ❤️

@mrsbyers I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like your dad was an absolute tropper and I'm sure you share his fortitude. It sounds like you got to spend some "perfect" time together and I'm sure he felt very loved when he passed away. Keep yourself well, the early days are so very hard.

@Crunchymum Thank you so much for your words. It has been a very difficult day. It has felt very strange. We have spent most of the day with my Mum, who has looked and felt very low all day. I found my birthday equally miserable, my first birthday without my Dad.
How are you doing? xx

Hello everyone.
Ive had a really traumatic few weeks. May I share?
Mid july, my dad was admitted to hospital with intense leg pain. They said it was arthritis- he was 89 and sent to rehabilitation. My mum had to go into respite as she is awaiting a dementia diagnosis and couldn’t be left alone.

After 4 weeks, dad was discharged to the same care home as it was clear he had lost all mobility and therefore they were unable to return home.

On 4/9 fH and I flew to USA for 2 weeks, knowing DF and DM were safe, together In The care home. However, whilst in the air, DF had a massive stroke and was admitted once again to hospital.
We booked flights independently as out tour operator were poor and arrive back in the UK on 7/9. We went to dad’s bedside immediately and I stayed with him until he passed away on 16/9. It was very peaceful and my brother and my husband were with me when it happened.

My DM is struggling to comprehend what’s happened and flits from accepting his passing, to wanting someone to try and rehabilitate him.

She’s said some awful things to me and I know I need to gain a thicker skin, but I feel as if I’ve lost my wonderful dad, and losing my beautiful mum day by day.

Im terrified that she was have an outburst/breakdown at the funeral. The lovely manager from the care home will be with us so that will help, and I need to grieve losing my Dad and I fear mum may need to be taken back to the care home if it gets too much for her.

In amongst all this, I’m trying to sort the financial side out so we can cover the funeral and care home fees. They have money, but it’s tied up in a prudential bond and they need so much paperwork before we can draw down any money.

Im not sleeping……
I miss my dad 💔

My mum passed away from glioblastoma brain cancer on 13th September it was her funeral this week. She was only 56 it's just so unfair. I have a 4 year old and 6 month old baby and finding it so hard there's already so much I want to tell her that she's missed I don't know how to live in a world where she no longer exists to talk too.

@GreysEmma I am so sorry for your loss, I'm sorry I'm not sure I have any words of wisdom for you. But I know what it's like to be up late and feeling so lonely in your grief, I lost my mum in may and I feel like I have to hold it together all day for the kids.
It is so unfair that you lost your mum, she was so young, life can be so cruel.
It's all still so fresh for you I expect you are feeling quite numb and still in shock, I'm not as good with words as some of the other ladies on here. But please try and look after yourself when you can, I know it's not easy with children just take one day at a time, I really do understand your sorrow and I send you all my love.
I just wanted to reply to let you know that you aren't alone x

My darling mum died from dementia this morning at 3.40am. I thought I'd feel relieved that it's all over for her but I feel devastated.

Im so sorry to read this. Sending you strength. It’s been 18 months for me and it still hurts so much. Do you have power of attorney of your mum? There is so much to arrange, do you have support?

I’m so sorry. I feel the same about not knowing how to live in a world without my dad. 56 is so young. Life is cruel.

I’m so sorry for your loss, tell us about her if you’d like.

@Motheranddaughtertotwo she was everything to me. My rock, always there, wonderful mum and grandma . The dementia ravaged her and took her away from us gradually. This last week has been heartbreaking to see her suffering. I'm glad she's out of pain and suffering but god I miss her already.

@lollipoprainbow she sounds so sweet. Did you get to tell her everything you wanted to? I know what you mean, it’s so so sad to see them suffer but you don’t want them not here either. Do you have much family around you?

@GreysEmma I feel the same 😭 I have a 10 month old and 2 year old she died 5 weeks before I had my first. Life will never be the same again

@LucyintheSky21

Sorry I never messaged you on the 24th how are things now? The anniversary is such a difficult time I really felt the build up to my mum's first anniversary of her death in March.

Things are pretty rough for me am sleeping on the couch for 3 weeks now. I think my marriage is over I wish my mum was here so I could talk to her about it. Am trying to get together an exit plan but it's not easy it's so expensive to rent and I can't afford a private rental. My dad is drinking just now yet again he was found outside in the street last week and was taken to hospital. It's such a worry am powerless to stop him fr drinking have tried everything over the years.

@mrssunshinexxx
How are you getting on there?

Hi everyone, just been to visit my Dad at the cemetery and thought I’d pop on here to see how everyone is doing. How is everyone?

@Ttc42nearly43 Thanks for your message. Yes it was a tough day on the 24th September being the year since what happened to my Dad but I actually found it tougher on my birthday, which was just two days before. Dad not being here for my birthday, I found that really hard. We’re not great, none of us are any further on. I sound like a stuck record I know, but since my Dad I haven’t slept well and I’m permanently tired out and inwardly very sad and lost and stressed with life really. Life carries on when you have two kids etc but I don’t feel like the same person I was before losing Dad.

I’m so sorry to hear about your Dad and the drinking. I don’t know what to suggest really. Is he still really struggling without your mum? That’s a stupid question, I know, and the drinking is probably his way of escape and what helps him through. I’m also sorry about your marriage, it can’t be easy for you having that to deal with and face on top of how you’re feeling over your mum. I hope you and your Husband find a way through and if not, that you manage to resolve things amicably. Your mum will be with you, even though you can’t see her x

@lollipoprainbow @GreysEmma welcome to the club no one wants to join. You will find lots of support here.

We had Mums ashes interred last week, she's now with my Dad after over 20 years. Feels a little better, at least I have somewhere to go now.

We also have probate so can get on with selling her property.

It's begun to feel very real now. I can't bear to think about Christmas without her, and I feel very lonely.

@AskMo
I find occasions particularly difficult such as birthdays and Christmas. I had my first Christmas without my mum last year it was hard without a doubt. I was a close Covid contact last Christmas and ended up alone at home just me and my dog who also passed away recently. My husband took the kids through to his sister's for Christmas dinner. In the end I sat with my mum's photo and I had a glass of wine I wasn't in the mood for celebrating but I sat and toasted my mum and wished her a merry Christmas. As sad as it sounds I needed that time to think about her instead of trying to put on a brave face for everyone else.

This Christmas am looking forward to and will fill all of my time with doing stuff with my kids but there is always someone missing no matter what happens in my life. My mum who has left a huge hole in my family.

Over the festive period last year I bought a lantern and used to take up candles to my mum and light one for her on the dark nights.

Am planning on starting this again this year. I started it on her birthday last year which is next month. I don't really know what it signifies maybe so she's not in darkness or that burning a candle is hope for the future but it brings me comfort. You will find something too.

My mum was buried and indeed I have found that although the thought of her there continues to be distributing. I know that she is there and I can go and sit there know that she is there near me.

Take care x

@LucyintheSky21

Hey thanks for messaging back. Was at my dad's last night it's such an upsetting situation he says that he wants to die so that he can be with my mum again. He says that he wants his suffering to end. I know that he is suffering we all are but I want to keep him with me. I need him am I being selfish? He's 77 years old he's not old and he has so much more to experience in life but he says he's done. I go through periods of being really annoyed at how selfish he is. I know that sounds terrible and am not suggesting that he is selfish of grieving his wife what I mean is that he is slowly killing himself with his alcohol abuse and his daughters are having to watch this powerless to do anything about it as he refuses to get help. I wonder what about everyone who loves him and what about us the family that he wants to leave behind do we not matter. I say things like that to him sometimes but you just get shut down and he says that I don't understand. Sorry for ranting last night was particularly difficult they tried to admit him into hospital but he refused to go.

Have you spoken to your GP about your sleep difficulties?