For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (March 2022) )

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4352163-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-September-2021

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

It was the first anniversary of my mum’s death last week and I found it very difficult - I was sad, grumpy and out of sorts but when I explained most people just sort of shrugged. My DH didn’t even mention it, I don’t know why. I understand it’s hard to know what to say but god I felt alone, really truly isolated. We’re now in between the death and funeral anniversary and I’m struggling still, it seems I can only mourn this event by myself (apart from with my sibling and my mum’s sister).

We’ve done the awful first Christmas and birthday so this is the last one of those major milestones, I really hope it gets less painful.

Hi @frostyfingers

I completely understand how you’re feeling, it’s soon approaching one year since the anniversary of my Dad’s too, and at the moment I can’t bare the thought of it. A year. How has it been nearly a year since I last saw my Dad? I can’t comprehend it. And when you say it to people like friends, the say, ‘oh I know’, but it’s like, ‘you don’t though do you?’. I’d never say that of course, but I have found the lack of real life support quite shocking really. It’s really surprised me.

I think grief is consuming and it’s also very isolating. People say they understand but of course they don’t, unless they have been through the same. None of my friends get it at all. And I think when it’s nearly a year on, people expect you to somehow be over it all. What they don’t realise is how you don’t feel any further on at all from the day it happened.

We did the first xmas without Dad and Dad’s first bday in February and both were truly dreadful. Both such sad days that shouldn’t be going ahead without them here to join in. I don’t think the second xmas is likely to be any better.

What did you do on the actual anniversary? Some people do things but I can’t imagine wanting to do anything other than go sit at the cemetery with my Dad and be there for my mum.

@LucyintheSky21 Grief is a very solitary thing isn’t it? I spent the day quietly at home, my mum is buried a long way away from here and I couldn’t get there. My sister is local and laid flowers for me, I went for a long contemplative walk with the dogs, did a lot of crying and basically bumbled about at home achieving nothing. I had the day off work but had to go to something in the evening which I couldn’t get out of and my lovely friend who lost her mum a few years ago bought me a double gin at the end and we sat and toasted absent mums which felt right - my mum loved gin!

It feels like forever and yesterday at the same time - I am finding it less awful, but every now and then it hits me really hard, often when I’m driving oddly, and I just have to pause a little. The one thing I am trying not to do is push the sadness away, if I want to cry I do, if I want to remember I do even when it makes me sad. I guess you just learn to live with it - eventually. Hugs to you as your first anniversary approaches, I won’t lie, it’s horrible, but like all of it, it passes so quickly. 😔

@frostyfingers Yes it is a solitary thing. It sounds very much like I imagine my day will be too, but Dad is buried not too far away. It’s about 25 mins in the car and i go once a week every week to sit and talk to my Dad. Even nearly a year on though, I still sit there in disbelief. I see his name on the stone and I almost can’t believe it. It still feels like a sick joke. He was too young to go. I will go visit my Dad and I will spend the day with my mum and my DH and my two boys. I know what you mean about it hitting you hard some days. Some days do hit you harder than others and I agree that it’s good to let it out and cry when you need to.

It sounds like the right thing to have a gin and toast your mum’s together, with a close friend. We toast my Dad on xmas day and we still set a place for him at the table and lit a candle that we had sat in his place all day.

i try not to think too deeply about it otherwise it makes me too sad and i can’t bare it.

sending you strength and support

I am really struggling with the loss of my mum so thought I would pop into this thread.

She died quite suddenly just over a year ago after a short illness of about three months and unfortunately she didn’t receive any diagnostics in that time so we will never know exactly what it was.

I sometimes think I’m dealing with it well, when actually I’m just numb, and it is only when I find myself very depressed do I realise I need to allow myself to continue to grieve. But there doesn’t seem to be any in between, as I inevitably shut down again when I’m fed up of crying.

I lost my mother in law only weeks after my own mum, as well as a young cousin and uncle on my husbands side all within 6 months.

Just having a wee moment where I can’t conceive how it can ever get any easier.

Can I join in? Really struggling tonight...

My dad died at the start of May just five weeks after going to the doctor with a bad cough. He was sent straight to hospital and stayed for two weeks during which time they diagnosed him with liver metastases but they couldn't find the primary (they assume it was his bowel). So he came home and three weeks later he was gone. I watched him deteriorate every day before my eyes and was with him when he finally passed away. I take comfort that I was with him but watching him in his last week especially has really traumatised me. I can't get those images of him out my head and that's not how I want to remember him. And on top of that I just miss him so much. He was only 78 and I feel like he's been taken from me far too soon. I was meant to have so much more time with him. I've been crying for the last 90 minutes as I'm starting back at university and got my books today and I just want to tell him about them and share my excitement as he was my number one cheerleader. But he's not here anymore and it's killing me

Hi @DahliasLove

I lost my dear Dad just nearly a year ago, it’ll be a year end of this month and I just wanted to say that I too feel numb all of the time. I think people think I’m coping because I’m not sat about crying all day every day and unable to speak, but I’m just permanently numb. I remember at Dad’s funeral I felt so numb that I barely even cried much. I know it was due to the shock, as it happened so unexpectedly and sudden.

My Dad was a healthy fit man, never poorly and no health conditions. He had a heart attack one night suddenly and he died the next day. I feel like numbness is kind of a mask around the real feeling we have. I wonder if feeling numb is due to the shock and I wonder every day if it’ll ever go away. Like you, there’s no middle ground for me either. It’s either rock bottom depressed if I allow myself to think about it and if not, just really numb to it all.

@soloula - I just wanted to say that I’m truly sorry for your loss. I do know what you’re going through as I lost my Dad too last September and it was totally out of the blue and unexpected. I still, nearly a year on can’t get my head around it. I know I will never accept it.
My Dad was 74, so I know what you mean about taken too soon and being no age at all. It doesn’t sadly get any easier, at least I haven’t found that it does. I think you just find ways to cope and get through each day.

@Ttc42nearly43 sorry for my late reply I've been really unwell this week.
I wanted to say I was so sorry to hear about your miscarriage I have also had one so I understand the pain and loss.
I am doing a phased return to work I'm lucky that both my managers are very understanding. I am concerned about how I will cope at work though, as I work with children's social care so my job can often be upsetting and stressful. I'm worried about how I will cope with this but I feel like I can't stay off work forever.
I want to access some support from cruise etc, but it's been hard in school holidays as I don't even have a minute to myself to make a phone call. My kids are 8 and 4.
I'm hoping once my youngest is in school properly I can have time to access these services.
This forum gives me comfort that I'm not alone, thank you for all your support x

@LucyintheSky21 thanks for your reply. Yeah I think people think the same of me too, but when I am with anyone I feel in a bit of a daze a lot of time, and I don’t know if it’s the same for you but no one even mentions it anymore, and on the rare occasion I do it seems to make people uncomfortable. And it makes it so much harder to feel like I can’t talk about it. I even had a friend, who was amazing for the first 3 months messaging me every week to check in then talk about things which would help me ‘get over it’, and I haven’t really heard from her since.

Whilst my mum did have some minor health issues she had only just turned 70 and was full of life, she had more of a social life than anyone I know, and was 6 months into a new relationship.

I don’t know where the balance is in terms of living life now, sometimes I think it will be this way forever. Maybe we’re being too hard on ourselves and it is actually totally normal to be in this state just a year on. No one seems to talk about it.

@DahliasLove I completely know what you mean when you say people don’t mention it. No one mentions it anymore for me, apart from my mum who of course is going through it as well. My mum had 47 years of marriage with my Dad and she’s never going to accept it or recover from it. My Dad was only 74, like your mum at just 70, it’s far too soon to go. My Dad was out all day on his motorbike with his friends and that night had chest pain, which turned out to be a heart attack. Motorbikes were his life.

i totally know what you mean by ‘in a haze’. Often I’ll be with a friend and we’ll be talking but I’m not really there in the conversation or not fully listening because I just sort of feel like nothing matters anymore. I feel quite saddened by the lack of real life support and I don’t know if that’s because people don’t understand and therefore don’t know what to say etc. But it’s true, even for my mum, she’s lost her life. My Dad was her life. People would always be popping round to see her in the first 3, maybe 4 weeks. Now no-one goes. It’s like oh it’s nearly a year, they must be fine now. My Dad was a huge part of our family, he was the glue of our family. We try to carry on as we were but it’s not ever going to be the same.

Exactly what you say is true. Friends don’t mention it and if you do, they seem stuck for knowing what to say. A friend of mine lost her mum 3 years ago and I was a trendies support to her. Even though I’d not been through it, I range her every day and I’d sit at the end of the phone for hours while she talked and cried etc. Then 3 years later when I’ve lost my Dad, she’s barely ever asks how I am, never mentions my Dad, never asks if I’m ok. It’s sad to say, but people don’t care because generally speaking people care about themselves. Unless you’re in it and going through it, people don’t understand or get it. Sorry to sound so bleak, but it has dawned on me that I’m better off not mentioning it to friends. I talk about Dad with my mum and my husband and my two boys but that’s because we’re all suffering the loss.

I am ridiculously upset by the death of the Queen and I can’t really work out why. I guess it just brings back the memories and makes everything raw again. Yes she was 96, yes her children are verging on elderly themselves but I feel so sorry for them going through it, and all in the public eye as well.

@LucyintheSky21 I’m so sad for your mum, I can’t imagine what that’s like when you’ve shared a life with someone like that, but I am glad at least you have her to talk to about your Dad, and I think it’s really helpful to keep them alive in that way, which I think is one of the reasons why it hurts that others are so uncomfortable with doing so. Thankfully I have my sister to talk with, and my husbands cousin, who lost his dad, whenever I see him we talk openly about our grief.

and I do think a big part of it is like you said, that people don’t understand, and I do wonder if the crazy few years we’ve had generally has made people that bit more selfish and less able to take on another’s pain, I don’t know though. I would like to think that I will offer as much support as I can to anyone I know who later goes through this. Even my mums friends in the first few weeks were contacting me regularly, and I’ve heard nothing now, and as bitter as it sounds I almost wish they hadn’t bothered with the original out pouring because it doesn’t seem authentic now and instead just ‘the done thing’.

I was just thinking of my mum and smiling for once actually, on the drive home, because as I was trying not to aquaplane on the road it reminded me that she would purposefully drive through big puddles when I was a kid because I loved it so much and would squeal and giggle!

@DahliasLove We have been at my mum and Dad’s tonight for tea. I still call it ‘Mum and Dad’s’ because it is. It always will be. I also find it very difficult to talk about my Dad in the past tense.
My Mum won’t ever be the same again, she’s a shadow of her former self. My Dad was her world. A month after he passed would have been their 48 year wedding anniversary. It is good that I have my mum and she has me, but honestly it’s so hard to support each other and make anything feel better. A lot of the time I feel helpless. We always saw loads of my mum and Dad, as in every weekend and a few times during the week. Now we maintain that but just with my mum. You try to keep things as ‘normal’ as you can but obviously nothing’s ever anything like ‘normal’ again. It’s hard to get used to.

We both know the same pain and the same loss (me and my mum) , as in we both know what an amazing Dad my Dad was and an amazing man all round. He did everything possible for my mum, as she says he was the best Husband ever, he was an amazing Dad, there was nothing he didn’t do for me and for my two boys when they came along. What saddens me more than anything actually is my oldest son who’s nearly 11. He idolised my Dad, when my Dad passed and both my boys came to the hospital to see him for the last time, my son said ‘I’ve lost my Bestfriend’. It still crushes me today to remember what he said. He was so close to my Dad. They had so many plans of things they were going to do together. I honestly thought my Dad would live until my son turned 18 at least.

It’s great that you have your sister and that you can support each other. Unfortunately sister has disappeared off the radar and been no support to me or my mum. It’s a long story actually but if you were to read back through my much earlier posts, you’d be able to understand it or maybe I’ll explain another time. I think it helps tremendously to talk about your mum or Dad and keep them alive. I said that to mum tonight about how it feels like Dad is still here and he lives on through my boys. My oldest son is very like my Dad in so many ways (not to look at) but in how he is and the things he says and what he’s good at etc. I think he will live on through my oldest son.

Do you find that you feel yourself going from really heartbroken sad to other days where you feel really angry? I feel a lot of anger some days, about what’s happened and why it’s happened to us. Like it’s just not fair at all. Why is?! Why not someone else.

For me, my Dad passed two days after my birthday. This year, in a couple of weeks it’ll be my first birthday without my Dad and a yet since we lost him. I’ve told everyone that I will not celebrate my birthday again. We’ve always been big on birthday’s, normally we’d all do something on the evening after my two boys come home from school like bowling and a meal out or something but my mum and Dad would always come for the meal and have birthday cake etc. It will always be the case that my Dad died two days after my birthday, so how can September ever be a happy month again for me. My birthday will always be two days before Dad passed. I don’t know if it sounds weird but I just won’t celebrate.

It’s good to smile about the things you nice things you remember about your mum. My Dad would be really sad about the Queen, he thought she was a wonderful Queen.

Sending love and strength to you tonight x

Hi @frostyfingers

How are you doing?

It is extremely sad about the Queen, what a wonderful Queen she has been. I think a lot of people will be feeling like this. A lot of people will be feeling very emotional as well as very uncertain. It’s the end of the way things have been for a long time. I think it’s very very sad but I think she’s made it to a wonderful age. My Dad would have been very sad about this, he liked the Royal family and he thought the Queen was a fantastic Queen x

The queen’s death has been so triggering for me. I can’t say to anyone in real life but all the sad songs on the radio and all the sadness on TV make me feel rage deep inside. Not at the queen or royal family - I feel their pain. But just rage.
I think the queen had a good death. I think she was comfortable, cared for by medics, 96 years old and her family got to say goodbye. My dad was alone, no doubt scared, couldn’t get to help and was found by neighbours. It was completely unexpected and just days before Christmas. I can’t stop thinking about how awful his death was compared to the queen. I feel resentful to those who got to say goodbye to their loved ones.
I know that’s terrible and that makes me feel worse. I feel like a monster.

@HotelKettle
youre not a monster. I’m worse. I’m sick of it already. My parent died alone in lockdown as we weren’t allowed to be there.
They had a hard shitty life, working every hour god sent for a pittance, yet died horribly disabled, alone and only early 60s. Where’s the justice?
No one gave a shit, yet so called friends are frothing at the mouth over the death of an extremely old, pampered woman they never met. Its like they never existed. People are lamenting her family being in the public eye, that’s their choice and they are rewarded for it. We had no choice and not even a proper funeral. So booo hooo! I’m so angry and sad.

i am so sorry for your loss, its not fair, but i can tell you truly loved him and that is something money and fame can’t buy ❤

@mumofboys1984

I also work in social care but with adults mostly elderly and end of life care. I think most employers are understanding. A few months ago I was going to be involved with an end of life case I thought I would have been fine but actually I was absolutely devastated crying all day long at work. I had to speak to my manager about how I was feeling, sadly the person died very quickly and that was the end of my involvement but I would have done everything I could to have made sure that she had the support that they needed at home but it would have broke me. Since then it has been agreed that for now I won't be involved with such cases. Similar to yourself the job is very stressful and can be very upsetting too. You will just need to see how you get on and talk to your manager if like me you find yourself in a situation where you are overcome with emotion. It's hard there's no doubt about that but you will do it, slowly but surely you will cope, just take baby steps and in time you will get there. What I have found is my confidence has been majorly knocked am now riddled with self doubt. I no longer have my mum as a bolster she was always in my corner no matter what. Its tough without her next to me there's no doubt about that am I feel like am a much weaker person now but what can you do. Loss after loss since mum died last March they just keep coming. Am still moving on tho well limping along. I find going to gym classes helps with the low mood. I have discovered a love for yoga. I will also be getting a new dog tomorrow much to my husband's annoyance. We are arguing about this but am getting the dog regardless. I know this will cause problems but I feel that with all of the sadness in my family we need something to hold onto, something new to love to try to help lift the sorrow even just a bit. I wish my husband could see how important getting this little dog is to me in my healing process but he doesn't he just says to me that I only think about myself but am not because my 2 children are also grieving the loss of their granny and their dog who they had their whole life who passed away in June so this wee puppy is as much a savour for them as it is for me.

Take care everyone please wish me well with trying to win my husband over surly no one can be hard faced when they see a beautiful pup but I have my suspicions that will be exactly my husband's reaction x

Another one who is finding the queen's death is stirring some pretty deep emotions.

My mum died aged 65. 65, no age at all she should have had many years ahead of her.

She died when restrictions were still in place. We had a limit of 15 for the funeral and the rules meant we couldn't have a wake (we had close family in a garden but it wasn't how we would have done it)

My whole being shifted in an instant and "no-one" gave a shit. The world didn't stop for even a millisecond. So I am finding all the public outpouring of grief a little hard to take. My irrational mind is wondering how many people who are lining the streets have suffered as I have. I realise this isn't particularly enlightened or fair and ones personal grief can be separated from the queen's death but this is how I feel. I can't help it.

My mum loved all the ceremony and protocols that big royal events entail (I am the same to be honest - love all the official stuff) and it makes me miss her. She'd have been avidly watching the TV and taking it all in. It reminds me of her.

My mums anniversary is two days after the funeral, so it's a sad time for me anyway.

A part of me cannot help to think The Queen outlived my beautiful mum and that "shouldn't" have happened.

@Ttc42nearly43

How are you and how is your Dad doing? I totally know where you’re coming from with getting a puppy, and I had a similar argument/discussion with my Husband over getting a kitten. As you know, it’s nearly a year in a couple of weeks since we lost my Dad and everyone is still feeling the same, in shock and unable to accept it. Then we lost our cat (we had 3) and he it just added to the saddness we were already feeling over my Dad. We were going on holiday for a week in August and I promised the kids we’d get a kitten when we got back.
Another cat could never replace the one we have lost, I have agonised over losing him like you have over your dog. But like you, I said a kitten will bring back a little joy into the house and give us something to focus on that’s a bit happier and more positive. My Husband kept saying we didn’t need another and that we were fine with the two we have, and 3 weeks we have had him now. He’s a little bundle of joy?

How are you all getting on with your new puppy, did he or she come home with you today? And how is your Husband? As soon as my Husband saw our new kitten, he softened and he loves him. I won’t lie and say it erases any pain you feel for your lost dog (in your case) or lost cat in ours, it doesn’t. But it does bring some joy back into the house xx

@Crunchymum How are you coping? It’s the one year anniversary of my Dad on the 24th of this month, so it’s very close to the anniversary of your mum. How are you feeling? It does make me feel very tearful when I’ve been watching and reading so much about The Queen, it brings a lot of it back. Not that it needed to be brought back to mind, as it’s always there. I think of my Dad every day.

You’re right that 65 is no age, my Dad was 74, also no age at all. And I get what you mean when you say you can’t believe the Queen outlived your mum. I am very sad about The Queen, I think she was wonderful, but she lived to a fantastic age and lived a long wonderful life. Why didn’t my Dad live a longer life? The Queen lived 20 years more than my Dad and it isn’t fair. Life isn’t though, is it unfortunately x

@LucyintheSky21 Sorry it took me a while to reply, my mind has been swimming, due in part to LOs bday party preparations!

That must be so hard for you not just dealing with your own grief but also seeing how it is affecting your mum. And I know what you mean about still calling it mum and dads, I often do the same when referring to my late MILs house. As my mum just lived on her own we cleared it out fairly quickly, but when I visit my FIL it still feels like my MIL should walk in from the kitchen at any given moment.

and yeah I definitely feel angry a lot, especially with having so many losses in a short time. I get angry at my mum as well unfortunately, because even though we don’t know the exact cause we’re fairly certain medical intervention would have at least prolonged her life, but she was so self sufficient that she didn’t want to accept how unwell she was. I’m also angry at the nurse she saw in her GP surgery the day she died, who just told her to go home, and present herself at A&E if she thought she needed to. She was never going to take herself there despite my sister and I pleading, but she may have listened to a nurse. It was that night it finally occurred to her she needed help and she called herself an ambulance but by the time they arrived she was already unresponsive.

I don’t know about you but I get so bitter as well. I am so vexed that my daughter at only 3 lost both of her grandmothers, and yet I know people older than me who still have there’s. And I know bitterness is really not healthy but I can’t seem to help it sometimes.

The Queens passing has been so strange as well. I’m in no way a royalist but it’s definitely affecting me, and part of it is that it’s a huge societal change and I am absolutely done with change.

I can totally understand why you wouldn’t want to celebrate. I am grateful that my mums passing didn’t coincide with any other significant dates, but imagine I would feel much the same.

I do hope you are being as gentle to yourself as you can during this month x

@Crunchymum I totally understand where you’re coming from. My mum had just turned 70, and we also had to deal with restrictions and no wake. In hindsight I’m realising how important that part is. Just being able to spend some time talking with people who knew my mum differently from me I suppose. And there were many promises from my mums friends of keeping in touch, and having gatherings later on but none of that came to fruition.

and now thousands of people are getting to gather together for someone they didn’t even know personally.

I also thought my mum was going to live well into her 90’s, because before her illness she was one of the healthiest people I knew. We would even joke about her becoming a burden and having to come live in a granny flat. I would do anything now to have her become a ‘burden’.

sending you love during this tough time x

@LucyintheSky21

Thank you for your message. We got our puppy today she is absolutely gorgeous my kids are over the moon. My husband not so much I had to take her up to my dad's for now until hopefully my husband will change his mind. I will give it a couple of days and see how we get on. Tbh we are really close to splitting up it probably wasn't a good time to try to introduce another dog am just finding it so difficult at home without my other dog. I know that you can't replace the fur baby you lost and am not, this was an attempt for me bringing some joy into our household which has been overwise filled with sadness for such a long time. Am just not sure what to do and how to change his mind, it's my daughter's birthday on Tuesday so am really hoping that he will agree for the pup to come live with us.

My mother in law said something today which really hurt. She's been staying over from time to time at ours it's actually been quite nice having a mother figure around. I miss my mum so much no one could take her place not in a million years. I had thought that we had got quite close recently anyway she was against me getting the pup too and she told me today on the phone that she wasn't going to be coming through to stay anymore because of our new dog. I didn't know what to say to her. I said that to her that I didn't know what to say. I was totally lost for words. I just wish that they could see that I need this pup so much. My mum would have been so annoyed if I told her what my mother in law said to me today. I wish I had my mum in my corner still. I miss that her so much. The unconditional love that a parent gives there's nothing else more precious in this life

@Ttc42nearly43

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry and I’m sorry also if this sounds out of turn, but I think your mother in law is totally out of order and so is your Husband. It’s a puppy, not a new man! What on earth is the big deal? I’m actually really struggling to understand what your Husband’s issue is with getting another dog. He should understand and sympathise with what you’re going through and whatever you feel you need to help you through, that should be your choice. He still has his mother. No-one in the world can understand what it’s like to lose a mum or a dad until they have it happen to them. Forgive me for speaking out of turn, but your Husband sounds selfish and your MIL is just doing what MIL’s generally do, and is backing up her son.
i know taking on pets is a big thing but it’s not the end of the world if your Husband doesn’t want another dog and has to accept you’ve now got one. I think if your Husband loves you then he should understand the reasons behind why you wanted to get a puppy.

I really hope you sort things out with your Husband and I hope he comes round to the idea. I’d also be very disappointed in your MIL, does she not like pets? And even if that is the case, it’s not her home. You are going through such a dreadful time without your mum, people close should be supportive and understanding xx