For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (March 2022) )

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4352163-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-September-2021

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

Hi everyone, I keep wanting to post but I feel like I’m repeating myself. I genuinely am thinking of you all and hoping you’re beginning to find some peace.
I've been on holiday to dads birth place. It’s lovely here and my kids love it. But it’s also so so sad to be here without him, we used to do this trip as a 6 ( me, DH, DC and both patents). I’ve seen all his/my family and we’ve cried loads. But I’ve also relaxed for the first time in years. It’s the longest I haven’t been to the cemetery too which feels weird.

Hi @Motheranddaughtertotwo

So sorry that I haven’t been on for a while. It’s lovely to see your name on here and to read a post from you. How are you and how is your Mum?
Are you still away now? It sounds like it’s doing you good to be away and at such a special place as well, but I can imagine it’s giving you both happy memories and also sadness too. I don’t think there’s any getting around the sadness, even if we do something that feels nice (if that makes sense).
I still feel like a stuck record. I’d like to say that I am finding some peace and finding things easier, but I’m not. I’m getting on with life, purely because I have two kids and I have to, and I am my mum’s main support. I think I get through each day by just being on autopilot, I try not to think too deeply about what happened. It was Dad’s consecration or stone setting last weekend. I had stressed so much about it that I nearly made myself poorly, I was so unwell the day before which I know was due to stress but actually the day went really well. My mum and I said we actually found it harder than the funeral, and I think that’s because we were still in so much shock for the funeral that we felt numb. It was very painful being there on Sunday but everyone came and my Dad had all his friends there and it was lovely to see them all and to talk to them all about my Dad.
My sister amazingly never came and has distanced herself even further from my mum. She still of course isn’t talking to me, but I’m ok with that. It hurts far too much to be without my Dad for me to feel bothered about my sister. One thing that I can’t believe, it’s the 1st day of August and my Dad passed on the 24th September. I still feel like it’s only just happened and yet soon I’ll be saying it’s a year. I don’t feel like it’s been that long and I still can’t believe it’s happened at all. I am still in shock regardless of how long has gone by. I don’t know if that makes sense. I’m wondering if I will always feel in shock, due to how it happened. Do you feel like this?
Mum is not coping well at all. She looks more depressed each day that I see her.

We also go away in just under two weeks. I feel very mixed about it. My Dad used to join us for a full day in the middle of the week every year, so I am devastated that when won’t be this year. I keep telling the boys that he will of course be with us because I know he will, but I wish he was physically going to be there with us. I miss him so much, it won’t ever feel right. To sun up how I feel, most of the time just very angry about it. X

How is everyone else? x

In regards to the shock, it does ease a little.

My mum's 2nd anniversary is 21st September and I no longer feel the utter sheer disbelief I did in the early days. Don't get me wrong if I let my mind wonder then it still burns but I have some level of acceptance now. I think my mindset has changed a bit too. In the early days you get so caught up in the death you forget about the life (and yes the first year is still such early days!)

trigger I got a call to say paramedics were trying to revive mum (dad and sibling had been doing it before they arrived, it was my sister who called me) and by the time I got there an hour after the call, my mum was dead. The paramedics had stopped working on her and were taking their equipment out as I arrived with my two other siblings.

My whole life really did tilt on its axis in one short hour. I don't think the sheer incredulity will ever truly go away but as I say my way of thinking has shifted. I think a lot more about mum when she was alive than I do about the day she died and the way she died. I have a lifetime of memories of my lovely mum when she was alive and vibrant and happy. I just organically started to focus on those memories as opposed to the sudden and shocking death, that September day.

It's all been a process of course and it's not linear. I can still be floored in a heartbeat but day to day its easier.

@LucyintheSky21 I'm sorry to hear how much you’re struggling. Your dads stone setting sounds like a really difficult day, but you got through it together. You should be so proud of how you’ve looked after your kids and mum and kept things ticking over. It must have been lovely having his friends talk fondly about him, I feel like Covid robbed us of all that because we didn’t get to have a proper funeral. I have loved hearing stories about my dad, it really does keep their spirit alive. I can’t believe your sister didn’t come! How awful! My sister is also still being the same, no contact at all which I’m fine with but my mum is hurting which kills me. I know what you mean about being angry. The first few nights away I couldn’t stop crying, I actually said to my husband that I’m considering antidepressants, ideally I know I need therapy but I can’t commit to anything else, I’m just about holding it together running two households and a job and kids.
To be honest once we got past the year I felt worst because I now do believe it. It’s real and it’s horrible and I still wake up every day and remember. On the flip side I have started enjoying things a bit, we had a wedding over the weekend and I actually danced and had a nice few hours. I then felt guilty though, as if I’m being disloyal to dad. It’s near your birthday too isn’t it the year? Sending you hugs, it’s so so shit and nothing can change that.
Mum isn’t any better and people are now saying she needs to start living, she doesn’t know how bless her and it annoys me that people expect her too.
I hope you get to enjoy your break and you get some relaxation and escape mentally as well as physically.

@Motheranddaughtertotwo - As always, I read your posts and feel a lot like I could have written them. We have very similar situations with our sister’s. Mine has been no contact with me since the day after my Dad’s funeral. She has cut contact seemingly with my Mum, the last message my mum got from her was to say that she wouldn’t be coming to the stone setting. Like you said, it doesn’t hurt me but it hurts my Mum. My mum is going through enough without my Dad, and really struggling, so it’s just hurting her all the more what my sister is doing. And there’s no reason for any of it.

I’m glad you’ve been able to see your Dad’s family and been enjoying sharing stories about him. It does keep them alive and it’s lovely. At Dad’s stone setting, we all went back to a place we’d hired for coffee and tea and cakes and I stood around with my Dad’s friends and we all spoke about him and shared stories. One of my Dad’s friends who is my Dad’s oldest longest friend (they went to primary school together), he was telling me tales from when they were at school and he said my Dad was mischievous. He spoke also about going to my Grandma’s house when he was a boy, to see my Dad (my Dad’s mum died when I was only five) so it was nice to hear the things he said about her too and the house etc. No-one could believe my sister never came!
I’m so sorry that covid meant you couldn’t have a proper funeral, covid has caused so much and stopped people from being able to say bye to loved one’s etc. It’s just awful. I think you sound a lot like how I am and how I feel. I can tell when I read your posts. At the moment I still wake up every day and it’s the first thing I think about, Dad isn’t here and about how it happened etc. Itry however not to dwell too much on that. As @Crunchymum said, I think about ‘the sudden and shocking death that September day’, and I want to think more about the happy days and memories with/of my Dad. I want to get to the point where I can think about my Dad and smile, instead of thinking of him and it hurting and feeling this gut wrenching sadness inside.

And yes, it’ll be my birthday in September on the 22nd, Dad was rushed into hospital the next night and then he went on the 24th. I won’t even acknowledge my birthday this year. We always go out with the kids after school that night and come back for cake etc, but not anymore for me. It’s just a day I want to come and go.

As for your mum and people expecting her to get on with life, it annoys me too how people can think like that. As my mum says, what kind of life does she have left now to get on with. It’s so sad. They will carry on of course, getting through each day one at a time, but I know my mum won’t build a new life or suddenly find any happiness without my Dad. She’ll miss him and feel sad forever. She’s said it and i know her.

Thank you for the things you’ve said, so many people have said to me that I should be proud of the brilliant job i’m doing supporting my mum etc, but we love our mum’s and we’d do the same if it was the other way round. In some ways I do feel Dad would have coped better.

I’m feeling very mixed about the holiday. Like you, I know they’ll be moments I cry when we’re away, remembering last year when we were there going round certain places with my Dad etc. Even writing about it and thinking about it makes it hurt. I’ll be visiting Dad tomorrow, I still go once a week. One of my boys wants to come with me tomorrow and the other one finds it too hard. I normally go when they’re at school but obviously it’s the summer hols. I have to go once a week, I don’t feel egg if I don’t go xx

@Motheranddaughtertotwo the last line of my post was meant to read ‘I don’t feel right of I don’t go visit my Dad’. My phone has a real habit of putting in strange words!

Hi @Crunchymum

That is coming around soon, your mum’s second anniversary and it’s just the day before my birthday. September is a dreadful and painful month for you as well. It’s a month I don’t want to come, I have to say. So I will be thinking of you on the 21st September. When I think back to the beginning of September last year, everything was so normal in my life, and by the end of the month…how different things were.

Your whole life really does tilt in that moment and I think it’s interesting what you say about how you change the way you think. I’m still at the point where I think of Dad and I automatically am back to the moment that September day in the hospital round the bedside with my Dad. That’s why I can’t bare to think about my Dad too much. I try hard not to think. I want to be thinking of the nice things and all the happy times, I have a lifetime of happy memories of my Dad. I think the mind is a very powerful thing and your mind can torture you at times.

x

I need my dad.

He was the only person who was like me, who understood me or who even loved me apart from my own child.

I only lost him in March & it feels like that was just yesterday.

I don't have anyone else I can tell, so I'm saying it here.

I need my dad.

I hope you are all well, if you are anything like me the kids being off school is keeping you busy. I'm finding I have no time to myself and my capacity to deal with my boys is reduced. I find if they stress me out I end up losing my rag and crying quickly.
I'm still off work after losing my mum in may, but this also means I have my boys all the time. The more stressed out I get the more I miss her as she would normally be helping me with childcare.
I'm just feeling really isolated and alone, I end up hiding my feelings in the daytime which has led to me getting really upset tonight. Now it's nearly two in the morning and I'm just too upset to sleep, so I will be snapping at the kids tomorrow for sure.

Just exhausted, hoping I can get some sleep,

@Namerchangerextraordinaire I'm so sorry for your loss, looks like you we up late too. I know what it's like to just want to tell someone anyone how you are feeling. I'm sorry you miss your dad, I lost my mum in May and it still doesn't seem real.
Hope you managed to get some sleep x

I'm still up.
All day I have to be mum & pretend everything is okay because you can't put this weight of grief on a child.
I get how hard it is to wear a brave face all day then try to cry quietly in the night.

I'm so sorry you lost your mum @mumofboys1984

Hopefully, we'll stop hurting so much & learn to get through the days better.

@mumofboys1984 and @Namerchangerextraordinaire So sorry for both your losses. I lost my Dad in September very suddenly and unexpectedly. I am still in terrible shock every day. It’s the first thing I think about when I wake up and it plays on my mind all day every day. I was very close to both my mum and Dad, and my Dad was no age to go, nor was he unwell. It was totally out of the blue and unexpected and I can’t get my head around him not being here. I can’t get used to it and I will never accept it. I am still struggling ten months on.
I can’t believe it has just gone 10 months and it still feels like yesterday. My mum is falling apart and our whole family has crumbled since what happened. He was the glue of our family. Anyway, I just wanted to say you’re not alone either of you. We all know how you’re feeling on here, and someone on here always comes along to offer some kindness and show support. It’s been a wonderful thread for me and still is. It’s still early days for us all.
I also know what it’s like juggling children while trying to deal with what’s happened, whether it’s your mum or Dad you have lost. I have two boys who were both extremely close to my Dad. It’s very very hard. I find that bay little thing that happens gets magnified and blown up out of proportion for me and I know it’s because I can’t deal with what’s happened to my Dad x

@Crunchymum I've just lost my Mum, seems like almost identical circumstances. She was very elderly but was still living independently, then she took ill, paramedics and first responders (firefighters) were there when I arrived but she was gone.

It was so sudden. I'd steeled myself for a long slow decline but this -I'm lost. All my plans for my life have just disappeared and my world has just gone wrong. I feel very alone, my sibling is struggling with their own grief and my DP's narcissistic tendencies are out in full force as they are not the centre of my attention.

We still have a week to go before the funeral. After that I think I will fall to bits, I can't keep being the strong sensible one, I can't.

My thoughts are with everyone in this situation... it's awful

@Namerchangerextraordinaire hope you managed to get through the day, with the lack of sleep.

@Crunchymum so sorry for your loss, it must have been such a shock for you. Make sure you give yourself time to fall apart after the funeral if you need to. I know what it's like trying to hold it all together.
My situation with my mum was different but I've still found it quite traumatic. My mum was only 66 slim fit and loved hiking, it was such a shock when she was diagnosed with an aggressive rare form of uterine cancer last September. We live in Bristol so she had good access to cancer care but the treatment didn't work and by the end of march she was given 3 weeks to live. I cared for her at home and had to watch her slowly starve to death as he bowel stopped working. I really don't know what is worse losing someone suddenly or watching them waste away in front of you. I did at least have time to prepare my eldest son and my mum got to say goodbye to her friends. It's all so traumatic none of it feels real, my mum was single and an only child so all of the funeral planning I had to do myself. I have a younger brother but he's not been helpful at all.

I understand the feeling of being lost, I feel detached from the world at large. I feel like I'm the only one who is grieving her loss, and now I have all her estate to sort out, sort her belongings etc, when it upsets me just being in her home. I don't know how I'm supposed to do all this on top of maintaining my own home and kids.

I'd love to whisk you all away for a much needed spa weekend and talk it out.

It's such a relief to talk to other who understand the pain and makes me feel less alone. X

Can I join in. My mum's been slipping away with dementia abroad and my brother who is single and can work anywhere has shouldered it all. I was advised by so many people that it was ok, DH had stressful job had nearly died made redundant etc so I should be with him, but all I wanted to do was be here.
Now brother said don't come out but of course he was stressed and frightened and stupidly I listened. She died fairly peacefully on Tuesday. Now of course I'm here and I'm like a spare part. I was on my way when mum died but at least I chatted on the iPad. Brother organising everything as he knows all the people pays the bills etc.
He said it was upsetting him he had said don't come, it's really upsetting me that I listened. I only really listened because he'd said it's just more problems if you arrive on a Sunday. Of course neither of us were thinking clearly.
I'm so sorry Brother has been thru all the looking after of mum on his own. He helped her after hip op. Found a home. I came out hardly at all due to COVID and family. DH may have been quite controling too and not wanted to spend his hols with my mum/ be on his own/ look after kids for a week. Sometimes I'd be so stressed by the time I got here.
Sorry I'm just ..I don't know, questioning everything. My mum's life, my life, my brother who may resent me.
Thanks.

Sorry to everyone.

I am sorry to hear about your mum @Bunnyfluffles

It's never a good time to lose them and it is always so heartbreakingly sad.

I don't think anyone realises, until they are "there", how much guilt is tied up with grief. When I lost my mum I felt guilty about everything.

It has taken a lot of time but I did get to a place when I felt less guilty and I'm now able to focus on positive and happy memories of my mum.

Your brother sounds like a fabulous man, all you can do is thank him for being there for your mum. I am sure they both understood you couldn't uproot your whole life to provide care. It often falls to certain family members as they have plates that are less full. Also you couldn't control Covid. You couldn't have travelled for a long time anyway.

There will be lots and lots of emotions flowing but you'll find your inner strength.

Sending you lots of love ❤️

Hi crunchy mum thank you so so much for taking time out of your own sadness to write such comforting words. I guess whatever anyone has done there can always be bits you'd wish you'd done differently. I'm so glad you have now got happy memories. X

This thread is so helpful it's heartbreaking and heartwarming to be reading all your experiences. So many hugs to everyone.
We can talk about sex etc, but death is so taboo and undiscussed, this thread is so so helpful.
Mum died with lung infection due to dementia. I'm told she had lots of morphine and the body just closed down. I wish I'd been there to hold her hand but brother was.
She had a lovely life and we all came to see her at the beginning of July for which I'm super grateful. We would have stayed longer as kids bored at home but DH had to work and I had to find it. All I ever wanted to do was live here with mum. ( Deletes long therapeutic self soothing ramble).
Love to everyone

@mumofboys1984

How are you hanging in there? I just read some of your posts and thought that I'd reach out. I don't post much on here now but I have in the past found tremendous support from lots of people in here. I lost my mum too when she was just 66 years old. It was very unexpected and my mum passed away after 11 days in hospital due to kidney failure caused by sepsis.

Its just the most traumatic thing you can every witness in your whole life. You feel totally helpless and there is nothing you can do to save them. I lost my lovely, kind hearted, self less mum in March 2021. As time goes by the intense grief does lift eventually, of course there is no timeline for this. I was absolutely plagued with guilt for such a long time about a million and one things. Things I wish I had said or done, things I didn't say or do it was horrendous. Through counselling I have learned to let go of all of that guilt. I miss my mum with all of my heart, it is truly a unique loss when the person who brought you into this world dies. It may sound cliche but you do loose part of yourself too that saying is very true or certainly it is to me. When my mum died I genuinely wanted to died too and my children were the only people who kept me going.

Life is very unfair to some people, to all of us on here. We press on because there is nothing else for it, we have dependants and other loved ones to think about too but it is a struggle. Feeling like you do is only natural. I believe that the greater the love you have with your parent the harder you grieve them when they are gone.

Talking about your mum helps you process your feelings so try not to bottle up your feelings because you need to let your emotions go. I was off work for nearly 5 months I couldn't face going back to a routine which I had before and my mum not being in it . I found this incredibly upsetting.

Hang in there you do get stronger but it is a very long road theres no getting away from that. For me i have started to see so much of my mum in myself this brings me comfort to know that some of my mum still lives on in me and then I look at my daughter she is so like me too and so my mum lives on in her too.

I try to feel thankfully for having had such a wonderful mum, some aren't as lucky as us. The love that you and your mum had for each other will never leave you it will always be there in your heart safe and sound.

Take care of yourself.

Ttc42nearly43 thank you for your message means a lot, as I'm feeling quite isolated at the moment. I mean surrounded by people but feel like no one understands how I'm feeling.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum, that must have been such a traumatic experience for you. I feel like I can't remember my mum being happy and well, just the trauma of watching her waste away in front of me.

I'm still off work it's been nearly 6 months, but 2 months of that I was caring for mum. I have a back to work plan in place but I'm worried how I will cope, as any amount of stress or upset sends me in to a grief spiral.

The school holidays have been really hard I've had the two kids on my own for 6 weeks so no time or space for me to feel what I need to feel. I've been really snappy with the kids which I feel terrible about I'm just so exhausted and run down. The eldest goes back tomorrow and I currently have conjunctivitis in both eyes so sunglasses on the school run.

I just feel like my whole life is tainted with sadness, even watching my kids being happy makes me sad. My mum loved my boys so much and I just can't believe she's gone.

I just don't have anyone to grieve with or talk to about it, just feeling really lost.

It's good to hear that things do get better but at the moment I feel like it never will.

Anyway thanks for reading x

@Ttc42nearly43 sorry meant to tag you in my message below, I'm rubbish at this forum stuff.

@mumofboys1984

I remember that feeling of hopelessness it is awful. It was at least 4 months for me before I felt and joy in life again and even then it was very rare. You need support tho and there is no shame in asking for it. Cruse Breavement helped me a lot even just their helpline was a lifeline for me in those darkest moments but I had counselling sessions too.

How old are your kids? I find the holidays a welcome distraction. I was just off work again this whole summer as I lost my beloved Labrador who I had for over 13 years then had a miscarriage in the space of a fortnight. It brought back a lot of my feelings of grief. I just needed my mum next to me but my dad stepped in to support me I was thankful for that as my relationship with my husband was rock bottom but we are trying to work through that just now. Since returning to work I feel like am struggling a bit to cope I should have had a phased return but it was never suggested and I thought that I'd be ok.

Have u got a phased return plan in place? When I went back to work initially last year after mum died I took a 6 month secondment dropping 2 pay grades as I couldn't face going back to such a stressful position that I have at the moment.

Please seek some emotional support from Cruise Breavement even going on to their website and reading some of their literature was helpful.

I promise in time you do cope a bit better you adjust to not having your mum but it's hard you never stop missing her. This longing has just become part of me and I have accepted that it will always be there for the rest of my life. Right now you are still in the early stages of grieving your mum you won't be able to see any happyness, this is normal to feel like that but slowly you will bit by bit realise that there are still things in your life to feel happy about and it's ok to feel those feelings and still miss and love your mum at the same time.

Hello everyone,

So sorry that I haven’t been on here in a while. How is everyone coping and getting on with life?

@Crunchymum , @Ttc42nearly43 and @Motheranddaughtertotwo - a big hello to you guys. How are each of you?

I was having a quick look on our thread this morning and I saw something @Ttc42nearly43 had put to @mumofboys1984 and I thought you’d put it perfectly! It is the most traumatic thing you’ll ever experience in your life, losing your mum or Dad. But what @Ttc42nearly43 said and about how all of us on here, how we all just press on or push on simply because we have to do. It’s absolutely spot on. Life is extremely unfair and I don’t think the world is a kind place, taking loved ones from us when it’s too soon is the most difficult thing to ever process or come to terms with. And I definitely agree that the greater the love you felt for the person, the harder you grieve.

I am much the same really. I carry on because I have no choice. I have two young boys, one is about to go into his final year of primary school, the other is only 8. I am also my mum’s only real support and have to carry her week by week. And by the word ‘have’, I don’t mean in any way that it’s a chore or something I don’t want to do, but simply that if I was to fall apart totally then there would be no-one really for my mum. I feel like I have to be strong to help and be there for my mum more than anything. And because of this it forces me a lot of the time to have to stand tall, if that makes sense and kind of hide how I’m really feeling. So I think on the outside people think I’m doing quite well and coping ok. I am coping, i’m not a happy person anymore on the inside. But I still get up each day and do the same things and I must sound like a very stuck record but I still can’t believe my Dad is not here.

At the moment I feel overwhelmed with it all because it happened in September and now it’s early September. It’s now September and my Dad was rushed into hospital the day after my birthday last September on the 23rd. You’ll all remember that we lost my Dad on the 24th September, so it’s coming very close to a year. I’m my head I can’t make sense of that. I don’t know how it can be that long since it happened, in my mind it was only so many months ago, and in my head he’s still coming back.

I haven’t processed it or accepted it and I honestly don’t think I ever will. But I carry on each day because I have to. I go visit my Dad at the cemetery every week. As it’s been summer hols I’ve been tending to go on a Sunday and take one for the kids with me, yesterday we took my Dad a pear off his pear tree that he planted in his garden. I sit there and say the same things to him every week when I go, about how I can’t believe he’s not here and how much I miss him. He also has a big Apple tree and whenever I was there when there were apples my Dad would be handing me a big bag of them, telling me to take them and cook them. So at the moment I have been doing a lot of that, making nice apple crumbles etc as I know my Dad would want me to eat his apples. But by God do I wish he was here to have some too.

Like so many people have said on here, I still do feel alone in my grief. Other than my mum of course who is going through it but of course, a different loss as Dad was her husband. But my sister is still not speaking to any of us. I had hoped we would have been there for each other but the family has fallen apart since Dad. I still don’t think friends who haven’t been through it understand at all. I am absolutely dreading it being the 24th September, a year since it happened. I don’t even know what we’re meant to do that day. I just know that I don’t want that day to come.

I cry often when I go visit my Dad and I cry to myself about my Dad, not every day but I do still cry. I think the way I cope is by not thinking too deeply about what happened as I can’t bare to go through in my mind what happened when we said goodbye etc. i can’t bare it. So I suppose what I do is push it to the back of my mind and think to myself that he is coming back. It’s my way of coping.

Anyway, I’d love to hear from you all. @Motheranddaughtertotwo how are you and how is your mum?

We have got a baby kitten two weeks ago as my kids were desperate to get one after we lost our poorly cat in June. He’s a bundle of joy and very happy and playful and sweet and it does keep me busy as well as the kids.
Sending love to everyone on here and strength.
xx

Hi everyone,
I totally agree that it’s the hardest thing we’ll go through. @LucyintheSky21 as always I could have written your words. My sister is also nowhere to be seen which mum is gutted about. My mum is still finding it so hard and to be honest I’m finding her quite draining, she just cries all the time and it’s so hard to see. I still feel so sad every day, I hate how many things dad is missing. I’m trying to get on with things but there’s this big pain that I can’t seem to get past. I’ve started taking antidepressants, the plan is for it to be a short term fix; I was finding it so hard to function.
Congrats on your new kitten, how lovely for you all. My dog is often referred to as Therapy, they give so much love don’t they?
Did your boys start school today? My FIL picked up my son today and they asked if he was my dad, I haven’t taken him off my safe list, it’s another slap in the face, dad won’t ever pick him up again ☹️
Sending love and strength to everyone.

Hi @Motheranddaughtertotwo , it’s SO good to hear from you! Yes, we really do mirror each other always. Everything you’ve said is the same for me as well, my mum is no better or further on. She still cries all the time too, and she is still very much half the person she was with my Dad. It really hurts me to see and watch, and I feel like it makes my pain so much more.

My sister like yours, has disappeared totally off the radar. She hasn’t spoken to my mum or seen her in so long, which of course makes things so much harder for her. I have learned to get used to the way my sister is, and I feel like I’m dealing with something much bigger (life without Dad), that losing her is just very insignificant in comparison. I don’t know if that makes sense. Of course in an ideal world, I wish things were totally different, my Dad still here and a relationship with my sister. But my sister has always been very selfish and governed by jealousy. When your Dad dies you don’t start to say things like how unfair it was that one set of grandchildren saw more of Dad than the other. It’s just crazy.

That must have been so painful for you with school asking if it was your Dad picking up. But I don’t think I’d take him off it or say anything other than no it’s my FIL. It is the things they’re not here to do anymore that hurts the most isn’t it, the things they’re missing out on. I still say I’m going to mum and Dad’s house, because it always will be. And when I go to the cemetery I say I’m visiting my Dad. Do you still go regularly?

How is your son doing? My boys don’t go back until Weds, but I wish they were staying at home longer. I feel like time is passing by really quickly and that it’s soon going to be a year since I’ve seen my Dad. It will no doubt have been the same for you, with the school holidays you keep very busy with things and things the kids are doing that you don’t have too much time on your own to dwell and think on things.

I feel terrified that as my boys get older they might one day forget my Dad. It scares me
so much that when we talk about him, I often say to them ‘you won’t ever forget Dad will you’ and they say of course not, we could never forget him. My oldest only has this year and then he will be at high school next September. Another milestone Dad will miss and I’m desperate to get him into the high school i know Dad would want him at.

It’s also going to be my bday on the 22nd September, but I’ve chosen to treat it as any other normal day and not celebrate. It just feels wrong and I feel now that it doesn’t matter how long goes by, but it will always be the case that the night after my birthday my Dad was rushed into hospital and two days ghee my bday we lost him. It’ll always be a shadow over my birthday.

Are you finding any benefit from taking the antidepressants? At the moment I’m still resisting medication and counselling, I think I’m just about coping. I just find life very hard now, I don’t find happiness or enjoyment in much at all anymore. I just feel like I’m functioning and going between doing things here and doing things for mum. I honestly don’t think it’ll ever get much better than this.

And thank you, we do love the new addition to our family. He’s only 9 weeks old and a day, he’s tiny and ever so sweet. He’s our third cat. You’re so right, whether it’s your dog or your cat, they show so much love and seem to just know how you’re feeling. I thought he might. Ring a bit of joy into our lives. Sometimes I feel like it’s only the cats who understand me. Our kitten had his first vaccinations today, so he’s been pretty wiped out.

sending you love and strength xx