For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (March 2022) )

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4352163-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-September-2021

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

@LucyintheSky21

I was sorry to reading about the loss of your beloved cat I miss my dog so much am sure you feel the same way too you just love them so much. I feel the lowest these last few weeks than I have felt since the first month's after my mum died. I still have the envelope from the independent medical report lying in the boot if my car I know the contents it's telling me that if medical treatment was given earlier my mum would still be alive but I can't face it with everything else going on. There is only so much the human brain can deal with at once so I have put this to the side just now but it's there waiting I know it but I need to be stronger first. Am supposed to be on holiday with my husband and kids but they left without me. I said for them to go am currently staying with my dad while I go through the miscarriage. I don't think he knows really what to say but he is here and am thankful for this. A friend of mine said to me yesterday who has also suffered many losses. She said that I need to try to change my perspective in life, to try to look towards the things that I have like my husband and my children and my dad, my sister and not to focus on the things that I have lost. It is really hard to change your perspective but I get her point it makes sense and I will try my best to do this.

Hi @Ttc42nearly43

How are you? I was heartbroken to read about your beautiful dog as well. I could have written the start of your post. I feel absolutely dreadful at the moment, really rock bottom depressed the last couple of weeks since losing our beautiful cat. I feel worse than I did before we lost him, if that makes sense. Even though I have felt low since losing Dad, I have sunk lower and I don’t feel like I can pull myself out of it at the moment. I have been saying the last few days to my Husband and my mum that I feel back to how I was when we first lost my Dad. I can’t seem to shift the feeling, it’s awful. It’s a struggle for me to get out of bed and do things. I’m back to not having any motivation for anything. I am really having to try and push myself. I know it’s a natural feeling because like you losing your dog, it’s yet more loss. We lived with them and they were family members. We had our cat for 4 years. We have two other cats, one is nearly 20 years old and one is 7 years old, so we didn’t have this one as long, and I think when we took him in he was a poorly cat. If I’m honest with myself, he was poorly for the whole time we have had him and we have tried and tried to get him better but the vets have never managed to get to the bottom of it or cure him. He was losing more and more weight, everything he ate passed through him, he was lethargic and suffered terribly with bad tummy-ache daily and chronic diarrhoea and in the end he ended up with diabetes. The last two weeks were just dreadful, so painful and we miss him so much. I’m sure you feel the same about your dog, you look round for them and they’re not there. He was always waiting for me when I came home from taking the kids to school etc and was literally always around me and I found him a great comfort when I first lost Dad.
I don’t blame you for not yet opening the envelope with the independent medical report. Not mowing what it might say. I bet a part of you is dying to open it and the other doesn’t dare to. You will know when you feel ready to do it, and please update and let us know. It’ll be hard to read I’m sure. I really hope it’s not too upsetting for you.
How is your Dad? My mum isn’t doing too well. We have my Dad’s stone setting 3 weeks today and I have never been to one but basically everyone who came to my Dad’s funeral, all his friends and family will be coming to see the headstone and going somewhere afterwards. My sister who has cut contact with me and my children and almost cut contact with my mum, has chosen not to come. So this is making mum feel much worse.
i know what you mean about trying to focus on the positives and the people and things we do have left but I think it’s a hard thing to do. It is for me anyway. Maybe that comes in time.
Will you be joining your family on holiday or have you decided not to go? Xx

How is everyone else doing? @Motheranddaughtertotwo How are you and how is your mum?
@Crunchymum How are you?

@Ttc42nearly43 I just read your most recent update. I'm so incredibly sorry.

I know you've mentioned your fertility issues (I've suffered recurrent miscarriages too. 6 in total. Although I have 3 beautiful DC now). You really don't seem to be catching a break at the moment. I'm sorry its all happening at once. I'm sorry it's happening at all.

Keep well and keep strong xx

@LucyintheSky21 thank you for thinking of me. I read often but don't tend to post as much as I should.

I always think of you all on this thread though ❤️

Hi @Crunchymum

I do think of everyone on here often. I only posted today after seeing the post from @Ttc42nearly43 but I had just felt too devastated after losing our cat to even come on here.

How are you coping and getting through it all? I lost my Dad the September after you lost your dear Mum, and also suddenly and unexpectedly. I was re-reading a post of yours about how life does go on and get easier. I wonder when that will be. I know people say the first 12 months are the hardest. We will see my Dad’s headstone for the first time in 3 weeks time and I can’t say I’m looking forward to seeing my Dad’s name actually on a gravestone. It still all feels so surreal to me. How is your Dad? I know you’ve said before that he’s coping quite well, has that also taken a while? xx

Bless you @LucyintheSky21

I've poured my heart out on these threads and it's been so helpful. I can't bring myself to read anything I wrote or posted in the early days though. I'm coping, I'm actually doing pretty well but I feel it's just a thin curtain separating me from that crushing grief.

I won't lie. I didn't feel better after a year. It was good (for want of a better word) to get through all of those 'firsts' but it left me in that weird suspended animation? Like I expected to feel so much better and I just didn't? I felt exactly the same after the funeral too. I would say I found until 18 months very difficult. You aren't newly bereaved as such as people who haven't been there just forget it's a loss you bare forever. They forgot you carry such a darkness with you.

Grief is so unpredictable and unexpected. Things I'd expect to make me sad and times I'd expect to feel sad just didn't hurt whereas random days and events could (and still do!) take my breath away.

The good news is I have periods - and they get longer and stronger - of feeling calm and serene and accepting. I miss my mum more than I could ever verbalise but I don't feel it like a gut punch anymore. Its more if an ache.

Personally I'm having a good period in my life and whilst I wish mum was here to share it with me, I know she'd damn well want me to be happy and to be doing well. Our happiness meant the world to her.

It's still relatively early days for you. Hang tight, moments of lightness will appear in the darkness.

Thank you @Crunchymum , your words mean a lot. I count up the months sometimes and I can’t believe it’s been 9 months. I don’t know where the time has gone. And I know what you mean about getting past the ‘firsts’. We’ve had the first xmas without my Dad, my Dad’s bday in February, the first Mother’s Day, and harder still was my Mum’s first birthday without my Dad, and then of course dreaded Father’s Day. Both of my boys have had their birthday’s without my Dad and these have all been very difficult days. I think what worries me is that I still feel like none of this is real, it’s still a shock to me that he’s not here and I feel like it will never feel real to me. But someone I know in real life who lost her mum before I lost my Dad said to me that it doesn’t matter what or how you think, as long as that gets you through. She said to me that in her head, her mum is just at her art class. It’s whatever gets you though. To me, I think I will always think my Dad is coming back soon.
Your words are very wise, thank you ❤️ and I’m so glad you’re having a good period in your life. You are right, your Mum would definitely want you to live your life and be happy. I know my Dad would feel the same but it’s still too soon for me to feel happy xx

Hey @LucyintheSky21 Thanks for thinking of me. How’s your mum and how are your boys doing? I’ve been ill this week so not even been to the cemetery, I’ve spent most of it in bed. Dad has been “showing himself” a lot this week which sounds silly but I swear it’s him. His song will come on the radio when I’m thinking of him or I’ll randomly find something of his in an old bag. It makes me smile and cry at the same time. The pain is still so real.
Hope everyone is getting on ok this week.

Hi @Motheranddaughtertotwo

I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve not been well. Do you feel any better now? How is your Mum?

There is no change at all with my Mum. She’s still very low. The boys are ok but they are not looking forward to going to the stone setting for my Dad. I actually went to the cemetery on Monday, I always go once a week to visit my Dad. When I got there, I was a bit surprised but my Dad’s headstone was already down. Nearly 3 weeks early and no-one informed us until later that day, but I had already been and seen for myself. So me and my Husband saw it first. I’m actually pleased I’ve seen it, and as strange as it sounds, it is lovely. I know headstones aren’t lovely, but as they go, it really is right if that makes sense. I had to ring my mum and tell her the stone was down and we have decided to go at the weekend with my mum and my two boys. I know it will upset them but I think it would be better that they see it for the first time with me and their Dad and my mum, before they have to see it standing with a load of other people like all my Dad’s friends and family. It will sort of soften it a bit for them, I think. Or I hope.

I know 100% what you mean when you say that your Dad has been showing himself. I feel it and see it all the time with my Dad. I was told by a spiritualist that I went to see that my Dad would make himself known to me in the form of wings, and I have had a little Robin redbreast follow me and be with me literally everywhere that I go! A week or so after it happened, I was staring out of the window feeling desperately sad and lost with grief, and a little Robin came right to my window and sat and looked at me through the window for about two minutes, and at the time there were no robins to be seen. I even took a picture of it because I just knew.
Since then, almost everywhere I go, I spot either a Robin or a bird that just suddenly appears in front of me, and it’s always at a moment where I’m thinking of my Dad or just feeling rock bottom sad. I will be walking back from taking the boys to school and a bird appears in front of me and circles round me or just stays with me for a few moments. And I know, I just know that it’s my Dad showing me a sign that he is there. The Robin or bird is the sign he sends. I know you say it to some people and you can tell they’re thinking ‘she’s gone round the bend’, but you just know. I get signs all the time.
At Christmas, me and mum were out shopping even though we felt nothing at all like Xmas shopping. It was the last shop that we went into on this particular day and we both had walked around the shops with tears in our eyes and pain in our hearts while the jolly xmas music was playing in the shops, and as if on request, we walked into the final shop before coming home and this one song began to play and it’s a song that my Dad loved and that I have never in my whole life ever heard played anywhere, other than by my Dad. It’s a song you don’t hear ever. And such a powerful song. It nearly killed me. I remember saying to my mum at the time, Dad is with us today while we’ve been out shopping. The main reason for the shopping trip was that I wanted my Mum to choose a locket to put my Dad inside and wear every day. That’s what I got her for xmas. It brings so much comfort to me to know that my Dad is there. I might not see him but he is there. It brings me so much pain at the same time. It’s a weird feeling, it sort of gives you hope and makes you really wish you could just see him physically there and talk to him.

I hope you’re feeling better health-wise. I still feel the same really. I find that I feel much worse on days when I’m not as busy and I have to try and keep as busy as I can otherwise I feel desperately low. I heard the song in the car today that me and my Husband had at our wedding. It was the song that my Dad walked me down the aisle to, and that upset me a lot. It’s hard to believe that a song that was such a happy song for me is now a really sad song, I found it so hard to hear because I don’t think I’ve heard it really since my Dad walked me down the aisle. xx

I hope everyone else is ok too xx

Hello everyone just checking in I have been in hospital for 2 nights. I needed to get a d&c. I spent hours just sitting looking at the four walls. No TV not that I was interested in watching it. I couldn't even see out if the window as it was blanked out. I had some dark moments in that room. Am now away for a few days with my husband and the kids it feels surreal. I feel like I should still pregnant but I know am not. I can't really say exactly how I feel to my husband as he never wanted the baby. I feel like I want to hide from it all. I keep thinking what would my mum say now. I know that she would have been beside herself with worry especially going through a surgical procedure. My life is spiralling out of control. I want my mum to tell me everything will be ok and just to sit and hug her for a while. My dad has been amazing and has actually joined us on holiday for a few nights am glad it might save me from some tough conversations with my husband. I didn't want to come away but it was already planned and it wouldn't have been fair to cancel for my kids sake. I just don't know where my life is going right now it's really unsettling.

How is everyone else getting on today?

@LucyintheSky21 I’m glad your dad’s headstone is as you’d like it and it probably is for the best that you got to see it first. To those who haven’t experienced death of someone so close it might sound strange describing a headstone as lovely but I know exactly what you mean, I said that a lot at dads funeral about different things. I agree it’ll be better for your boys to see it without the added pressure of friends and family watching. Your poor mum 😭 She sounds so much like mine.
It's really sad but yes, what were happy memories are now tinged with so much sadness. That’s so so lovely about the Robin. These little things are what we need.
@Ttc42nearly43 you poor thing! My heart breaks for you. I had a D&C and it took me months to get over, I just felt empty. You say you can’t really speak to your DH about it, do you have friends your comfortable talking about it to? I’m glad your dad is with you and helping. I actually found the Pregnancy Loss page on MN really helpful. When you have other kids you naturally look after them first but please make sure you’re being looked after too.

@Ttc42nearly43

I’m so sorry for what you must be going through right now, on top of what you were already going through with your Mum. Don’t you sometimes feel like life never throws anything good your way? I know at the moment I have been feeling a lot like this. Of all the things that could ever happen, I never thought I’d be losing my Dad anytime soon, then my amazing cat, who really has been a rock for me since Dad. I don’t feel there’s much to look forward to anymore.
I really hope that you manage to enjoy some of your holiday, and I’m thrilled that your Dad has gone too. And I hope that emotionally you start to feel better soon x

@Motheranddaughtertotwo

Thank you, I’m pleased the headstone is as we wanted, although we didn’t and don’t want it to be there at all or for there to be any headstone needed. I’m sure you said that you were also organising your Dad’s headstone. Where are you with that? We are taking the boys to see the headstone on Sunday, but I know it will really upset them seeing it.
Yes my mum is not coping or doing well at all. How are you doing and how is your mum? I gather she’s the same as my mum, it’s so hard to watch and you feel helpless. I don’t even know what to say anymore as I feel the same as mum about Dad not being here and I’m lost for words to comfort her. It’s a mess still really xx

Hi Ladies,
First time posting on this thread although I have read a lot of the comments, I found it comforting to know I wasn't alone in my feelings.
I lost my mum in early May and I'm struggling to process the loss. Mum life keeps moving sports days to attend, school concerts etc. I find it hard to have any time to process my feelings.
My mum was a super healthy 66 year old she was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer in September last year, it all seemed downhill from there. She lived really close to us and had an amazing relationship with my two boys 4 and 8, it just kills me that they have lost her. I haven't even been able to bring myself to tell the 4 year old what's happened.
I've been signed off work since march when mum came out of hospital as I cared for her at home until she passed. I'm feeling pressure from friends and the gp to return to work, I'm cross because I feel like I'm being treated as if there is something wrong that needs to be fixed. When I feel my feelings are normal given the situation.
I've had comments from friends like I'm milking the time off work or that I need some sort of treatment.
I just feel very alone and feel like no one really understands how I'm feeling, and feel like I have to always hold it together for the kids.
I often find myself feeling really disconnected from the rest of the world.

I wondered if any of you had experienced similar feelings x

Hi there @mumofboys1984

Firstly, I am so sorry about your Mum. I too have two young boys, age 8 and 10 and we lost my Dad in September. At the time, my boys were 7 and 9 and they were extremely close to my Dad. I just had to respond because I feel exactly like you, even 9 months on. Because life is busy as a mum, school runs every day, things to constantly sort out at school, sports days coming up, summer fair’s, after school clubs and activities, you feel like your life is so busy that you don’t have time ever to think about what’s really happen and really take it in and deal with it. It’s like this massive thing has happened which is soul destroying, and yet life around you is still carrying on, and it doesn’t seem quite right. I feel like that. I feel like I’m permanently on autopilot. In some ways I think it’s a good thing to be busy and have all these things as it forces you to carry on because one, you have to, and two there’s no alternative. Or, the alternative is that if you stop you’ll be in a really bad place.
My Dad was a young and fit healthy 74, he lived with my mum and we were those closest family. My children saw him as a second Dad, my husband saw him as a very close friend who he’d go to for advice, and to me he was the glue of our family that held us all together, as well as the best Dad in the world. If I’m busy, I think about Dad every day but I don’t dwell on it. If I’m not busy, I end up over thinking all of it and going over the final details and I end up feeling rock bottom low. I prefer to keep busy and be on autopilot. My way of getting through is to think that my Dad is coming back. I know that might sound barmy but because I’d give unexpected it was for me, I still can’t believe it’s happened and I like you, can’t process it.

What you said about friends, I can really relate to that. Some of my friends don’t care at all about what I’m going through and they don’t understand or have a clue. I found after the first month or so, they barely mentioned it. Like it’s been a month so I must be ok now and moved on. I have a couple of close friends who get it and are understanding but generally it has annoyed me and upset me that you can tell why some friends that they expect you to be moving on now, but these are the people who haven’t been through it. It’ll be a total different story when they too lose either a mum or a dad. You don’t need to get over this, because the reality is that you won’t ever get over it. It’s far too big a loss. As people keep saying to me, you carry the pain and the sadness around with you but you become in time more used to carrying it around. I don’t care what friends or people expect me to feel, my Dad was and is a tremendous loss and I miss him more than I could ever imagine missing anyone and it’s something that has floored me and I won’t ever get over it or accept it. I hope in times it gets easier to cope with but I know I will carry the pain with me forever because they say how you grieve shows the amount you loved.

Let us know how you’re doing today if you get chance x

Hey, so this might be a long one but I’ve really had enough.

struggled mental health for around 12 years, medicated the whole way through. suicide attempt 12 years ago resulting in hospitalisation.

gave birth to my beautiful son 9 years ago, while still at uni, moved from Scotland to London with him on my own to build my career - god Knows how I managed it!

Ive always struggled but always been able to achieve but now, it’s a diff story.

2020- My mum shielded through lockdown due to her COPD - she was 67 and was not deathly ill.

2020- we got Christmas together it was lovely first time all together since pandemic started.

Jan 2021 - mum catches covid, everyone does bar me and my brother.

1 feb 2021 - mum dies after struggling for a week, couldn’t see her, barely could talk. Was at hosp for final moments but she was up to high doe on morphine so was sleeping. Sent home after her death with a bag of clothes to isolate for 2 weeks. No hugs from friends. No nothing.

3 weeks later, funeral - 20
people only, turning people away. No wake.

may 2021 - breakdown, police and mental health teams involved, assigned CPN

all the while my partner at time emotionally abusing me, locked outside in rain, told I was a psychopath for struggling in my grief, accused of sleeping with every man alive etc. Ended in him jumping through window at 3am on top of me after smashing it when my wee one was in. He jumped on top of my body I was petrified, called 999 and jump at every noise til this day

september - complained to police as they didn’t investigate. police called me a liar in writing even though they “forgot” to write the charge down properly that he jumped through window on top of me, violating me - so charged with lesser crime and got a quarter of what it cost to replace my window in compensation (still being paid in penny’s every few months because, and I quote- “I have to think about his financial circumstances”)

At same time I entered a trust deed as had to reduce my hours at work as having recurring panic attacks all day, each day. Meaning less pay, more debt - the only thing I have left that’s mine is my mortgage. Hanging by a thread.

I’ve also been the lead for the Scottish and UK covid inquiry for my family so have been trying to keep a handle on that.

october 21 - my dads brother hang’s himself in my cousins house, trying to help my bi polar dad through all this mess while messed up myself - hardest thing ever.

january 22- cousin still birth, caused by NHS not telling her she had diabetes so untreated for months - helping her through the inquiry.

Not to mention partygate when we said bye to via a FaceTime but she had a mask on so couldn’t actually talk. The anger I feel inside about this will never ever go.

Throughout this I’ve developed a skin picking condition, on my FACE which is bleeding and wearing foundation makes worse but Viscous circle as ya know - I need to work!

have severe asthma - still not had covid so still got that worry considering saw mums lungs stop due to the virus.

fast forward to now.
Every time I need to socialise with new people I have panic/anger attacks.

I try to cover my face and weeping sores but little helps, my fatness due to the new meds can’t fit into anything.

even people I know regarding covid, mere months after mum died “oh you need to get back to normal at some point” “oh isn’t it just the flu”. I have no tolerance for the ignorance anymore and I tell people what I think when they’re being insensitive. This hasn’t won me more friends I tell you that! I will never be the same. I’m traumatised.

Impact on real life and my son
tried to take my son to a bday party Sat past - panic/anger attack had to cancel ended up in bed rest of day.

tried to take my son to Ryze (trampoline park) today - again panic/anger attack and had to cancel. Now in bed been crying for hours.

mental health team - go for a walk?! Yeah I would if I could get past leaving the house. “Why do you feel this way” - have you got 3 hours cos that’s how long it’ll take…

friends - they think this is just me now, an anxious sad wreck who cancels all the time.

family - going through their own pain, don’t need mine on top.

im trying to work, be a single parent, live, work through the grief, work through the domestic abuse, work through the anger I feel towards institutions which should have protected us (police, nhs etc) and all the while it’s summer. Ohhhh it’s hot so smile and get outside.

How can one human brain handle all of this pain and still pretend to everyone that I’m surviving. When I’m not.

I’ve had enough but I don’t want to. I don’t even know if that makes sense. I honestly don’t see anything ever getting better and it hurts because I don’t want this to be the mum my son remembers.

i am in so much pain it’s unbearable. I don’t think anyone knows HOW to help. All I know is if I had money, I could pay to get better through a therapist. But I don’t. So here we are…

answers on a post card as to how I can get out of this hole please. Im on medication so much I am like a walking tic tac box. Can’t afford private counselling. Got to still act like everything’s ok when it’s not at work.

at end of my tether…

LucyintheSky21 thanks for responding to my post as you could tell I was up late couldn't sleep as my mind was stuck thinking about my mum.
I'm so sorry you lost your dad, it leaves such a hole in your life when you are so close.
So good to hear it's not just me feeling like this a lot of what you said really resonated with me.
Loosing my mum has really floored me, I'm normally quite balanced with my mental health but these feelings are like nothing I've ever experienced. I don't think I will ever get over it, being so involved in her care meant I saw her deteriorate gradually it was so upsetting and feels really unfair that we had to lose her this way.
I find I'm craving speaking to people who understand what it feels like but that's really hard as I barely know anyone who's lost a parent.
A friend described it to me like you've been through a huge traumatic event, but because you have no physical signs of trauma people just treat you as normal.
Again thank you for getting in touch means alot I know how hectic mum life is x

@mumofboys1984

I was and still am exactly the same, in the craving to speak to people going through the same. Feel free to post on here as much as you like, and if you feel you even want to pm me and have someone you can speak to whenever you want about your mum, feel free to pm me. I have said that many times on here. I hate the fact that I have so many friends and not any that have been through this or that can relate to what I’m going through xx

@mumofboys1984

I was so saddened to read your comment about friends implying that you are milking the time off work how incredibly insensitive of them. I lost my lovely mum when she was just 66 years old too. It is very very hard to accept what has happened and it has been 16 months since my mum passed away after a sudden illness. She died 11 days after she was admitted into hospital with sepsis caused by a severe leg infection. People are responsible for her death many different professionals and am taking legal action.

My suggestion to u would be to ignore those thoughtless people let them think or say whatever the hell they want to. I would actually say to your friends how much their comments hurt that might shut them up for a bit. In the case of your GP if u can and want too. I would maybe consider seeking support from another GP in the practice maybe one who has a bit more empathy.

Seriously you should take as much time as you need. There is definitely no timeline on when u need to go back to work only people's expectations of what you should be doing. I took 4 months off after my mum died. I then took 6 months out of my current post to a less stressful job, much less pay but it was a stepping stone back to work.

I would also recommend that you contact Cruse Breavement they are excellent and give you time to speak about how you are feeling without judgement.

I found this thread helpful too as we all get how you are feeling 100% so please talk away and tell us about your mum we would all love to hear about her. Its important to talk about her. In my family I talk about my mum the most. My dad has said often enough that we won't forget about her. I don't quite get that comment but I think he just says it for something to say but inside my head I think to my of course we won't forget mum how can you possibly forget the person who carried you for all those months and loved us till their very last breath.

Some people just say the silliest of things. My husband has been the worst honestly for say stupid things. Am signed off work the last 2 weeks after a miscarriage and he was querying why I was off work and implied that it was due to my dog passing away 3 weeks ago. It is in part for this reason but he seems to have skipped over the fact that we have just lost a baby. Its madness how people think that u can just dust urself off and say oh well that's that then time to move on. It is definitely not as simple as people imply it should be.

@SadM

I know how it feels to barley have your head above water and feel like u are constantly getting pushed under. It is indeed a very lonely place. Have you tried Cruse Breavement at all?

www.cruse.org.uk/get-support/helpline/

You could maybe also look into local support groups for peep support. In regards to the anxiety and panic attacks I have had these before at various points in my life. I will share what has helped me in the past and to this current day.

I use a lavender pulse point essential oil which I put on my wrists and neck. You can inhale this and try to get in control of your breathing. Also camomile tea this has helped me enormously at times of anxiety. Sometimes I take it in a travel cup to wherever am going that I feel anxious about and just sip away at it. Honestly it really takes the edge off.

Another thing you can try is yoga and mindfulness classes. Anything that promotes relaxation. Try to find a local class maybe something that you can afford. I know that some GP's do offer a gym membership as part of a patients treatment program so I'd enquire about this.

You need to try some self help strategies. After my mum died last year I found it took at least 6 months to feel anything except pain and sadness. My first memory of feeling any sort of joy was when I registered with a local gym and took a Zumba class. I felt myself smiling during the class and I felt uplifted like there was just maybe something to feel happy about. I recall how surprised I felt during that class that I actually still had the ability inside to feel joy.

Keeping fit helps a lot to reduce anxiety and depression. I know it is an effort but something like yoga would help you. I don't know if u have heard of mindfulness but this is all about slowing down and really looking at your surroundings and appreciating the little things like nature.

I have started a book recently am a bit on the fence about it but am just half way through it. It could be worth a read for yourself. I'll post some links for you and have a wee look and see what you think. The professionals they can only do so much you also need to try to find some inner strength to help yourself. I know it will be hard but do it for your boy because he needs you in his life.

www.thisworks.com/products/deep-sleep-breathe-in

www.sainsburys.co.uk/gol-ui/product/vitamin-drinks/twinings-superblends-calm-20-tea-bags-30g

www.nhs.uk/mental-health/self-help/tips-and-support/mindfulness/

www.amazon.co.uk/Journey-Practical-Healing-Setting-Yourself/dp/145166561X

www.hollandandbarrett.com/shop/product/nelsons-rescue-remedy-60038579?skuid=038595

Take care and we are here to listen

So a few weeks in. My MiL has her care sorted. My daughter and her husband are going to take over so she can stay in her house. They're both experience carers and DD is qualified in dementia care

I had to do some funeral stuff yesterday and I cried properly for the first time.

To top it all MiL has covid from Glastonbury via my son in law. I'm having to take her oxygen levels three times a day and she's only just over dial 999. Her GP is due to ring today to get her results.

To top it all DH has buggered off home and left me in the lurch. When he is here he's in a strop trying to do too much and I'm worried that he's overdoing it, and he's due heart surgery in September.

This is a great place to say things I can't in real life

@GettingStuffed
Sometimes you feel that life is spiralling out of control you can't stop terrible things from happening and you are just at the mercy of life and all the shit that it throws at you.

Your DH may need some time away from it all but it is unfair to expect you to pick up the peices. You should maybe tell him how you feel but approach it in a kind manner so not to provoke anymore stress from either of you. My DH has been rubbish since I lost my mum it get more understanding from a wet paper bag. We are close to separating we spoke about it last night and will give our relationship one final try. We have been through counselling and things changed for a spell but we are back at rock bottom again. I don't have the energy to make it work anymore but I owe it to my kids to at least try.

Please talk as much as you like on here we all speak openly and honestly about how we feel.

Look after urself. You can do this we sometimes have to muster up the greatest amount of inner strength but we do it because we care so much.

@Crunchymum
Hi there I just wondered is there a new thread for this group chat as there hasn't been any posts for ages which is quite unusual thanks

Hi @Ttc42nearly43 how are you doing? I know you've had a really rotten time of late.

There is no new thread. It just seems to have gone really quiet here? A few of the usual posters seem to have dropped off

I'm still here, plodding along. The countdown is on for my mum's second anniversary (September). The first was so difficult but I'm not dreading this as much?