For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (March 2022) )

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4352163-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-September-2021

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

I love this and totally agree with being blessed to have them. How are you coping today ?

@LucyintheSky21 funnily enough I took yellow roses too and a card and balloon. My husband has been great about the fact that I’m crying for most of the day, I just want it to be over now.

Hi @Motheranddaughtertotwo - we are always mirroring each other. Our Dad’s will love the yellow roses. My Dad loved yellow, it was always his favourite colour. I’m thinking of you and I’m so glad your husband is being a great support to you. My husband and my youngest son came with me and me and my son sat and cried. My husband misses my Dad too, it’s just heartbreaking 💔

Lost my dad on Thursday. I’m struggling today.

@cannibalvalley
Just reading your post struck a chord with me how you are feeling like you have lost the past along with your family history. I feel very similar following my mum dying last March. There are things I want to ask my mum about the past things that only my mum would know. My mum was the main person who raised me and my sister my dad worked a lot when we were younger or was at the pub. I ask him questions and he doesn't know that answers as he wasn't always here. You definitely loose a part of yourself without a doubt I feel like part of me is gone forever ❤️

@Hippopotas
Am so sorry about the passing of your dad it's so early and everything will just be fraught and raw for you. Loosing a parent is life changing and things will never be the same again. It is so difficult to cope with. We are all at different stages on here but one thing is for sure each and every one of us loves our parent/parents that we lost with our whole entire self and are all united on here in our grief. I recall the utter devastation when my mum passed away suddenly at just 66 years old last March. It is a vivid as it was yesterday. I found talking about my mum helped to well anyone that would give me the time of day and let me open my broken heart and sob for as long as in needed. I leaned on friends, work colleagues and used the Cruse Breavement helpline when I no longer wanted to bother people I even called the Samaritan's one evening in desperation. Sometimes days your a mentally and physically exhausted but talking does help release some of the emotions ❤️

Thank you. It doesn’t help that my mum is also terminally ill.

I don’t know whether to go into work tomorrow I don’t think I can handle anyone asking me how I am.

@LucyintheSky21

How are you holding up today daft question probably but I hope that ur ok? It so rough isn't it. I spend my first mother's Day after my mum died actually with my mum in the funeral home that was a totally blizzard and utterly distressing experience but I went to see my mum 4 times and spent hours with her there decorating the inside of her coffin with pictures of all of the family and reading out letters and talking too mum. People thought I was mad but it was the last chance for me seeing my mum and holding her hand. To this day I have no idea how I managed those hours with mum but I was determined that mum would be alone there as she hates being alone so o think that was the main drive.
Thinking about you today sometimes we go on autopilot and somehow manage to scrape through the toughest of days ❤️

@LucyintheSky21

*bizarre not blizzard stupid phone sorry typo in my post there 😞

@Hippopotas
I took 4 months off work there's no shame in it. It sounds like you need time. I spoke to my GP and was signed off with no problems. I couldn't have worked no way but some people throw themselves into it everyone is different. My head was a scrambled mess for months after my mum died. I even took a different job for 6 months when I finally returned to work as I couldn't handle the stress of my other job and I had a weird thing about going back to my old job. I spent ages not wanting to return to anything that I was doing before my mum died as it just didn't feel right to be going on with my life without her. Am finally back to my old job now after 10 months but I've had plenty of wobbles and doubts.
You just need to do what is right for you. Of course you will have your mum in the forefront too which sounds incredibly upsetting and you will want to spend as much time with her as possible. I would even consider calling your GP in the morning and asking their advice. The GP's are there to help support you and taking time out is what a lot of people need x

Hi @Ttc42nearly43 , thank you so much for your kind words. It has been a really tough day, but I think I have been on autopilot and have scraped through. We went to the cemetery to give my Dad yellow roses and a card which I wrote inside. We cried, and it just felt so surreal. I really do feel most days that I’m rehearsing for a tv series where I’m playing a grieving role, and that it’s not real life.

How are you doing? And how is your Dad doing now? I totally understand why you spent those hours with your mum, not wanting her to be alone. No one will have thought you were mad xx

Yellow like the sun that they shone on our lives, it makes me smile looking at them. I hope you’ve got through the evening ok. DH has been so sad today, he keeps telling me how much he misses him too.
@Hippopotas how sad, I’m so sorry and hope you’re bearing up ok. I found the first few months a total blur. I hope you have supportive people around tomorrow.
@Ttc42nearly43 hope you’ve got through it ok.

@LucyintheSky21

Nice to hear from you. Thank you for asking after my dad he's doing well at the moment am always on tender hooks for the next bindge session but he claims that he won't drink again. Sadly I have heard this before.
I haven't been up to visit mum in a few weeks at the cemetery which is very unlike me I normally visit weekly with fresh flowers but there's been too much other stuff going on. My golden Labrador had another emergency operation on Thursday last week it's been a living nightmare. She's still in the small animal hospital ICU. She was diagnosed with sepsis on Thursday and transferred to the small animal hospital from her own vet. She had reputed ulcers which caused the sepsis. I could have screamed when I heard the word sepsis as my mum had sepsis which attacked her kidneys and that is how mum ended up passing away.

Am hoping to have my dog home this week all going well probably mid week but she's still very unwell but the vet said so long as nothing else happens to her we should get her home. Am dreading the bill its going be between £7000-£10000. People think am off my head but I just couldn't give up on her. I think am hell bent on saving her I keep thinking that no one would question life saving surgery for a human no matter what age they were so why are people questioning me by wanting to give my dog the best chance to live?

Sorry I know this thread isn't about animals but I know myself this isn't all to do my with fur baby I have a million emotions wrapped up in all of this. The pain and anxiety it takes me back to those days in the hospital with my mum and the fact that I couldn't save her despite my best efforts. I have the independent medical report here in my car unopened. I know it contains information saying that earlier intervention would have saved my mum's life. I have heard this from the solicitor over the phone but do you think that I can bring myself to read that report. I just can't right now it's too much to cope with.

Your comment about being on autopilot is all familiar. I do think that its the minds coping mechanism to try to protect us. The feeling of being surreal has passed for me I would say but that does go on for a very long time. Now I try not to look too closely into the past. I know it's there in that envelope waiting for me which I will need to face soon but we can only deal with so much at any given time.

How's the rest of your family getting on?
I was sorry to hear about your cat they are part of the family without a doubt xx

Hi @Ttc42nearly43

Nice to hear from you too. I’m so sorry to hear about your dog. I have had a nightmare also last week with one of our 3 cat’s and the vets. I don’t think you’re crazy for going ahead with any of this as your dog is part of your family, same as children are. One of our cats has been drinking and drinking excessively so I knew something wasn’t right and took him to the vets last Tuesday. The vet wanted to do a bloodtest, and had to go back on Thursday evening for an hour long appointment with the vet and my cat. It turns out my cat has diabetes and I’ve had to be shown how to do insulin twice a day etc. By the end of the week I had spent over £300, which I know isn’t anything like what you’re paying out, but I have to go back tomorrow which I am dreading to check his levels. There’s going to be a lot of regular appointments and I will have to buy the syringes and the insulin and the sharks boxes every month or every time I need them, and it’s going to be costly. For the rest of his life too. I don’t begrudge it, don’t get me wrong but it is so much money that they charge and I think it is ridiculous. I think it is seriously unfair how much they charge. I don’t have insurance either, but i share your stress as I’ve felt so stressed out since I found out about the diabetes. I am also so stressed out about going to the vets tomorrow, I think with how I’m feeling about my Dad and how much I’m missing him, it just magnified everything else.
I truly hope your dog is home soon and we’ll. What a nightmare. How old is your dog again? We can’t be too sure how old our cat is as this one we took in 4 years ago as he turned up and was living in the garden and nobody has any idea how old he is.

I’m pleased your Dad is doing well at the moment and I hope he stays off the drink, I really do. My mum is still a mess and Teri my down all the time. We all miss my Dad so much, things are no different here. My sister is still no contact with me and has very limited contact with my mum. None of this helps of course. It’s also my youngest son’s bday tomorrow and all he keeps saying is that he wishes my Dad was here for it. It’s not getting any easier. Xx

@Motheranddaughtertotwo

I loved what you said about yellow being like the sun that our Dad’s shone on our lives. I couldn’t have said it better. I hope you also got through yesterday and last night ok. How is your mum? Xx

Oh @Ttc42nearly43 that’s heavy, good on you for looking after her so well, getting her the treatment she needs. My dog is ten and I’d do the same in your position. I hope she gets through it ok and you recover in time. When my dog needed emergency care I was a mess for months, my heart was in bits. Sorry you’re having a difficult time with your dad, that must be so hard to watch.
@LucyintheSky21 we survived the dreaded day! we had my daughters birthday over the weekend, mum loved having a house full of teenagers. She had a few of her friends there too which was lovely. I lost count of how many times we looked at each other and cried because we knew dad would have loved it. Your poor son, how utterly heartbreaking. Lots of extra cuddles for him tomorrow. Sorry to hear about your cat too, I hope you find a way to make it work and that you’re ok, it really it so sad seeing them suffer.

My dad died today. I don't know how I feel. I've cried, and I definitely feel sad. I'm also relieved because he'd been very ill since last August and by the end could barely move or speak or swallow. It was fucking awful seeing him like that. He's been at home with my mum looking after him and I've managed to get over to see him a ha dful of times (I'm a carer and getting out is hard). I saw him on Friday. He was asleep most of the time, and in a world of his own really but when I left he tried to speak and I think he said bye bye. Normally he would have said "see you next time". I think he knew. I told him I loved him.

It's wierd too because my sister is with my mum at the moment so they were both there when he died. I feel kind of adrift because there's nothing I can really do from here, and it all feels unreal. I'm hoping I can get down there in the week but that will depend on
how things are here with my family.

Sorry for the disjointed ramble. I think I just need to write it down.

I’m so sorry @Ilmiopinguino. How heartbreaking. Is your sister good with your mum so you at least don’t have to worry too much about her? It’s so hard when you’re pulled in so many directions? Rant away, this is a good place to do it, no one understands you like people that have been through it.

Hi everyone I just wanted to update that I lost my golden Labrador on Tuesday night she had a huge bleed in her stomach and we had to say goodbye to her. Devastated is an understatement am a complete mess. I feel awash with grief I miss her so much and I just want to speak to my mum but she's gone too 💔💔💔

@Ttc42nearly43 I have just read your post and wanted to say how truly sorry I am for the loss of your beautiful Labrador. It’s so so strange, we also lost our beautiful tabby boy cat on Tuesday and I haven’t even posted on here because I feel such a mess. I have had the worst week of my life, since losing Dad and I feel rock bottom depressed and devastated, like you. I can’t believe it happened on the same day. My cat was recently diagnosed with diabetes but this was just an additional illness on top of something he’s been suffering with for 4 years that we’ve tried to get on top of. Medication has failed to make him better and he’s poorly and uncomfortable all the time and now with a complicated illness/condition on top. This also happened on Tuesday and it was my son’s 8th birthday, so it’s been the week from hell. I know how you’ll be feeling about your dog, the house is not the same without them, my cat was always around me and with me by my feet and I’m still looking round for him, and he’s not there. My kids are also devastated. Life really is just cruel and shit. I keep trying to tell myself that my cat will be with my Dad now and that he will take care of him for me. I just hope that’s the case.
sendinh you a hug and a hand hold. I haven’t stopped crying since Tuesday over this, and it brings it all back about my Dad. Loss is the worst thing in the world 💔xx

Hi @Ilmiopinguino

I am truly sorry for the loss of your lovely Dad. I lost my Dad in September and it’s nearly killed me, and my mum. It doesn’t get easier, I’m afraid but at the moment it’s early days and you’ll feel a mix of emotions. I felt very numb at first and I posted on here, I just wanted to write it but it felt so weird and surreal. It was shock for me. I don’t know if it’s any easier if it’s not unexpected or not so much of a shock, I honestly don’t know. I’m so sorry, take one day at a time x

@Ttc42nearly43 So so sorry to read this 💔 I hope you’ve had someone giving you hugs.

Hi @Motheranddaughtertotwo

How are you and how is your mum doing? It’s been another God awful week for us, I’m actually starting to think that it only goes one way for us. We lost one of our 3 cats on Tuesday and it has broken my heart. We have had him four years, so nothing like as long as our other two cats but I took him in and have cared for him daily for 4 years and he became a huge part of our family. The house feels strange without him and I have felt truly depressed this week with this and my Dad.
To make matters worse, the consecration/stone setting for my Dad is 4 weeks today and I told my mum to send a message to my sister yesterday to find out if the are coming as we need to confirm numbers for the after bit. My mum received a really nasty and hurtful message back from my sister saying that she won’t be coming to our Dad’s consecration and that she will be thinking of him instead. She hasn’t been to see my Mum
even once this year and has been no support to her at all. My mum is now even more hurt and devastated. I don’t know how much more my mum can take.
How has your week been? Xx

@Ttc42nearly43 - How are you doing? My thoughts are totally with you at the moment. Sending love xxx

Oh God @Ttc42nearly43

I am so, so very sorry to hear of your loss.

I know exactly how it must feel on top of all the other sadness and loss and grief.

I actually feel quite emotional reading your sad update. Pets are such a massive part of the family and they're often the most loyal and loving of them all. I hope you can find some solace in knowing you gave her a wonderful life. Sending you lots of love and light ❤️

My father-in-law died on Saturday / Sunday overnight. He was a fab father -in-law and a brilliant grandfather to my children. My husband is running around like a blue arsed fly getting all het up.

We now have a major problem with my Mother-in-law who has Alzheimer's and can't be left alone. My husband says it was his wish that MiL should remain in the house. Everyone else thinks she should go into a home.

I wish we could agree on what's best for her.

Hi everyone sorry I have been offline for a bit things are bad really bad am trying to recover from the loss of my dog and I have also just discovered that I have lost my baby too. I'm 10 and a half weeks pregnant after trying for over 2 years to get pregnant. Am in so much pain tonight am going for surgery in Monday morning but it is happening naturally now. This is my 5th over a period of 10 years. I have 2 beautiful kids in between all of the losses too. I really have no more words to describe how am feeling right now am desperately sad and I just want to speak to see my mum 💔

@GettingStuffed
Am sorry for your loss how advanced is your mother in law's dementia? Is there an option for a package of care at home some people with dementia live good lives with this support in place and can remain at home? You can contact your local social work department for an assessment they can also support with looking for a care home. The GP can also offer guidance on who to contact if your are not sure. Often people do try out care at home first if the person is not too high risk to remain at home. This is something that the GP/social work/family and individual to decide. There are also lots of telecare options for people living at home with dementia such as falls detectors, wander alarms, cooker isolators, bed monitors, key safes for access there are lots of things out there. Each local authority will have similar options available.

I would definitely recommend your husband contact the local authority or GP to ask for some support and advice. You also need to consider if there is power of attorney in place and is it active ie does your mother in law no longer have capacity to make her own decisions this is normally formally assessed by a GP or consultant also what your mother in law's wishes, there are just so many things to consider and at such a challenging time.

Am so sorry that you are all going through this. Life is certainly one heck of a mess sometimes but there should be support and guidance out there from the right people so that you can all make an informed decision on how to proceed from here 😞