For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (March 2022) )

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4352163-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-September-2021

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

@Motheranddaughtertotwo above reply was meant to be to your comment!

@LucyintheSky21 thank you.

How are you doing today? Xx

@notnowdennis I completely understand what you mean about time passing. It's coming up for a year since Mum passed for me too. (End of July) I have absolutely no idea how it has been this long since I last spoke to her, saw her. She would absolutely adore my youngest now she's into everything, just as she adored my eldest.

Even with the Dementia deteriorating I'm fairly certain of that. But I guess there's no point thinking of what could have been.

She died of sudden kidney failure, but was also in process of being diagnosed with dementia - which was hugely delayed thanks to covid.

I hope you're doing ok. Xx

Welcome to everyone else that has found themselves on here too. It's a lovely place, but unfortunately the worst joining criteria. Xx

Hi @Saz345

How are you doing?
What kind of week have you had? I haven’t had a good week with it all, it’s just felt like a really difficult week for some reason. I’m finding life so cruel and hard without my Dad and I think this week any little things that have cropped up that need dealing with (and I don’t mean Dad related) but little issues with school or anything have just felt bigger than they are, and I know it’s because of the enormity of what I’m going through.
I feel like I’m getting through each day somehow, but God knows how. But at the same time I just feel a bit exasperated with Dad not being here and things like my youngest son’s birthday in two weeks. We normally have a family party for him with a bbq and my Mum and Dad are there normally and my sister and husband and their kids, but this year we’re not doing it as it wouldn’t be right without Dad. So my son is still having a party, but it’ll just be a party for his friends. My sister is still not having any contact with us.
I don’t feel like it’s getting any easier, do you? xx

How the hell do you all manage? I have lost both my parents unexpectedly in a two month time span.
A month later I am back at work. But I really don't give a fuck about anything and anything a bit stressful sends me into a spin. Still not sleeping well.

Hey @Saz345 I’m glad you got on ok at work. I know what you mean about comments about it being easier because it all happened in a shorter time frame. There seems to be a competitiveness about death which drives me nuts. I’ve had lots of people tell me that I should be grateful because they didn’t have their dad as long as I did. Of course I’m grateful but that doesn’t stop the gut wrenching pain.

@LucyintheSky21 as always, I’m reading your post and feeling like I could have written it. I’m overreacting to everything, I’ve always been quite thick skinned but lately everything upsets me and it’s disproportionate to what is happening. We have my daughters birthday coming up and I said and I can’t face doing it at mums. My sister is still in her own world and mum is desperately missing my nephew. My son is having issues at school and it’s all a bit of a shit show. Sorry to hear you’re feeling the same.

@cannibalvalley i don’t think any of us know how we cope. It’s been 15 months for me and I’m still in bits. You slowly start living a little bit. I’m so sorry about your parents.

Hi @Motheranddaughtertotwo

How are you feeling today? I know, I read your posts and always feel the same as you. You mirror my feelings and so much of our two situations are sadly the same. How is your mum? I’m sorry that she’s missing your nephew. My mum is also missing he either grandchildren. It was my mum’s bday last week and my sister never came to see her and none of her four children even rang her to wish her a happy bday. My sister, like yours is also in her own strange world, and I just can’t understand it at all.
When is your daughter’s bday? My son’s bday is in just under two weeks so he’s just having a party with his friends at a place I’ve booked. I’m so so sad that we can’t have the usual family party for him with a bbq. I couldn’t do it without my Dad. It’s bad enough that he’s not here for my son’s bday.
Like you say, I have had one of those weeks where I’ve overreacted probably to everything. If I was to sit down and think rationally about the things that have actually happened this week, none of them have been big things but everything that’s slightly stressful feels like a huge hurdle that I can’t cope with. I feel like some people think I should be happier now, being a few months on but I just feel more of a longing to see and speak to my Dad. I’m going to the cemetery once a week but I still feel like ‘how can he be there’. Still in shock, 8 months on. I just don’t feel like a happy person anymore, but I do think I do a fairly good job of acting ‘ok’ when I’m with my friends, and I guess that’s because I know none of them would probably want to see me if i sat there miserable and depressed every time they see me. Xx

@cannibalvalley

So sorry for the loss of your mum and Dad, I can’t even imagine what that must be like to lose both and so close together. I hope you are finding the strength somehow to get through each day, one day at a time.
I don’t know how any of us are getting up each day and carrying on, I really don’t. I guess for me, it’s my two children. They are nearly 8 and 10, so I have no choice but to keep going for them and also my mum really needs me now that we have lost my Dad, and I seem to be the only person my mum really has.

Has anyone else noticed how when it first happens, people (as in friends and family of either your mum or your dad) tend to come every day, and then it just stops like they all assume it’s been a few months and the person must be fine now and ok? That’s how I feel for my mum, having lost my Das. The first two months people would always be popping round to drink tea and make sure she’s ok and got someone there but a little later and it all dwindles off.

Hi am sorry everyone for not responding sooner the last few days has been horrendous. My wee doggy pulled through surgery she had a mass the size of a melon removed along with her spleen on Friday. I got her home today my heart is bursting with love for her she's such a fighter. Am so glad to have her home now we wait anxiously to get the test results from the mass 1-2 weeks. I found myself talking to my mum on Friday when my dog was on the operating table asking her to keep her safe madness I know. I lost my other dog 4 years ago this month and my mum listened to me for hours and hours crying my heart out on the phone comforting me. I keep dreading loosing my dog and not being able to cope without my mum there helping me through the worst moments.

I see from other people's posts that there are many of us having been in a similar situation. Loosing a beloved companion is no easy thing to go through some people u Der estimate the pain you feel when you loose a doggy or cat family member. My friend asked me yesterday "you wouldn't put her through chemotherapy at 13 would you?" I wasn't sure what to say. It doesn't sound like an option anyway if the mass is cancerous but I felt a bit judged by her comment maybe just over sensitive.

I felt like I was going out of my mind yesterday while she was in surgery just waiting for the phone to ring. God I hope the mass is benign. The anxious waiting took me back to being in the hospital with my mum waiting for test results, waiting to see if the blood transfusion would kick start her kidneys then in the end waiting and watching hoping that her body would hold on and recover when they withdraw all the treatments it was absolutely horrendous.

I know we all understand each other on here and thank you so much everyone for responding to my post it means a lot. Tonight am on the sofa watching over my dog she can't manage up the stairs anymore so am moving downstairs to be with her instead xx

@Ttc42nearly43 I’m so pleased your dog is ok, hope she has a speedy recovery and the test results come back clear. People can be so insensitive.

@LucyintheSky21 yes yes yes! How are you not, in the space of a few months, totally over loosing someone that you’ve had your whole life?!? So ridiculous isn’t it. I must admit that although my friends are wonderful, as time goes on I find it harder to be so vocal with my grief. I imagine they’re bored of hearing it now.
I'm disappointed in mums friends too. The visits have all but stopped and she’s spending so much time alone. My daughter has noticed it and has been spending more time with her but it’s nowhere near enough human contact.

Hi @Ttc42nearly43 Thank you for updating us, and I’m praying for you that the test results come back ok. I know exactly what you’re going through as we went through the same with our cat and his spleen. He was 10 years and 8 months old and we were asked about chemotherapy and I said that yes, I would put him through that if it kept him alive and with us but very sadly he didn’t make it to have the cancer removed as he died in his sleep. I was heartbroken and utterly devastated as he was such a ray of sunshine in all of our lives. Even my mum and Dad were devastated by it at the time. Keep us posted on the results and how she is xx

Hi @Motheranddaughtertotwo Yes it is totally ridiculous, it infuriates me everyone I hear ‘how are you all doing?’ And worse, ‘How is your mum?’. I’m like, how the bloody hell do you think we all are. Yes, she’s over the moon… It really is one of those things that until it happens to you, you really don’t have a clue!
I feel the same with my friends, they are lovely and I’m glad I have my friends but I don’t mention it too much. We always talk about my Dad, I always bring him up but I don’t talk too much about it to them for the fear of like you say, then being sick of hearing it, which I’m sure being friends, they’re not at all. But it’s how you feel.
My mum is in exactly the same boat, she’s on her own so much and unlike your daughter, my oldest son spends so much time with her. He even took a £10 note out of his money box after school one day last week and said could his dad take him round after work because he wanted to treat my mum to a Macdonalds for her tea because she shouldn’t be eating alone. Those were his words, at ten years old. We have mum over for tea on a Tuesday, and we go to hers on a Thursday for tea so it means she’s only on her own to eat on a Monday and Weds and my son eats with her on a Friday night. We see my mum every weekend. I can’t bare to think of how lonely my mum is. I also so fed up of all the emails I’ve received re Father’s Day. Emails about treating your Dad for Father’s Day and gift ideas etc. Will you be going to the cemetery? I have bought my Dad a card and written it and I plan to take it to him with some yellow roses on Father’s Day, as yellow was his favourite colour. I hope you’re ok anyway, I just wish none of this was real. I still feel like I’m living someone else’s life xx

I don't have to worry about one parent being left on their own. There was only seven weeks between their unexpected deaths. No one seems to know what to say to me. The grief is still very raw. I feel worse now than on the day either of them died. I think I was just in shock.

I somehow am managing to work after a fashion. The house is a bit of a mess. I. Can't cope with much. But I need to earn money.

I am very sorry to hear of your loss,to lose both parents suddenly in such a short period of time is unthinkable.

Do you have a support network? Partner / siblings / friend?

What is the nature of your job? Could you WFH or reduce your hours? I think given the circumstances you could even see the GP and asked to be signed off.

I hope you are doing as well as you can be, given the double loss you've had ❤

@cannibalvalley
Hi there,
I just wanted to say how well you have done being back at work so soon. I have only just gone back after 7 months (my mum died last November). I was full time, but am now working 3 days a week to start with. I get the impression that some people think I was a bit silly/selfish taking so much time off and that if I had gone back sooner this may not have been the case, although it may just be that they have their own worries.

@LucyintheSky21
i know what you mean about people not visiting etc. so much after the first few months, although I think this is sadly often the case. As my dad says, they have their own lives/problems, which I can understand, but I know it does feel like they have stopped caring. I feel that the only person who understands (other than people on here) is one of my aunts, who lost her parents very close together and is still struggling with it, but although we e-mail/text each other now and again she lives at the other end of the country, so it is not as though we can meet up.

Hi @Poppy04

How are you? It was end of September for me with my Dad, and November for you. Doesn’t it feel like it was only two minutes ago? Life is racing by for me since it happened and I don’t feel like any of it can be real. I feel crazy even saying that, but I just can’t believe any of it. The wording and layout of Dad’s headstone was sent to me today by email, and even seeing his name on it feels like the strangest thing in the world.
Your Dad is right, of course. People do have their own lives and things to get on with but it does feel like people don’t care, or soon forget. How is your Dad coping? xx

@cannibalvalley How are you holding up? I know exactly what you mean when you say it feels like a worser pain now than when it first happened. Even at the funeral, I felt numb and in total shock. It’s like I was a stand in at someone else’s funeral or playing a part x

Cannibal, I can't imagine. That's so awful
.

I lost my Mum on 22nd May. I get waves of deep sadness. Today nothing has gone right (all walks of life) and I've spent the afternoon in a down wave and sobbing on and off. Still teary now.

@LucyintheSky21
Yes I can’t believe it has been 7 months. Some days are better than others, but overall I don’t feel I have moved on a great deal in that time. I only went back to work because my sick pay had stopped and I didn’t really have a choice.

I know my dad is still struggling, but like a lot of men, particularly of his generation, bottles it up. It is not going to be easy for him now I am back at work, even though I only do 3 days at the moment. He is 84 with MS so will struggle without mum’s help, although he can just about manage at the moment.

@Poppy04 - I can’t believe it’ll be 9 months at the end of June. I literally don’t know where the time has gone. It’s like life is going on or carrying on, but I’m still in September when it happened, if that makes sense.
I know what you mean about men of that generation, my Dad would have been exactly the same if it had been my mum. He wouldn’t ever have let you see him sad or cry about anything. Your Dad obviously needs you and I’m sure really appreciates your support. It’s so hard for us, but must be unimaginable for your Dad and my Mum and anyone who has lost their Husband or Wife (or partner) of all those years. It’s like losing a part of yourself.
My mum keeps saying that they’d built a life together and watched their kids (me and my sister) grow up and get married etc and it was their time now to do things and go places, and now it’s all been taken away from them. It breaks my heart and makes me so angry at the same time. Life is unbelievably cruel and unfair x

@Kezzie200 - So sorry that you’ve had one of those dreadful days where nothing goes right. I’ve had a few of those lately. Last week and this week I just keep feeling like I’m being dealt blow after blow. And even little things that happen feel much bigger than they are and i feel like how much more is there to come. There’s rock bottom bad days, days that are slightly more manageable/bearable, angry days. I just don’t know if there will ever be ‘normal’ days again.

@LucyintheSky21

Today was better. Some of the things that went wrong yesterday started to resolve themselves today. People have warned me of waves, and I think that's what this is. I normally work 3 full
days a week but I gave in yesterday afternoon, came home and sat in the sun, and then went in this morning. I was far more productive doing that. Luckily I have a job where, so long as the work gets done by the month deadline, it doesn't really matter how I achieve it.

I don't think any day will be the same ever again. I rarely spoke to my Dad on the phone only when we saw him, but Mum I whatsapped daily and often called as well. Now, I'm calling Dad each evening and talking about his day and not whatsapping at all.

I also wake at night thinking about never seeing Mum ever again.

Then I often get into profound thinking about death and our societies loss every day from talent, love, knowledge. Gone. Just like that. I think the finality image is so raw because I was with Mum as she passed.

I have a very supportive partner.
I had to go back to work. Two weeks compassionate leave and the rest sick leave. I would have gone onto half pay. Adding financial issues to my life would not have helped. But I am winging it at work.

We have nobody calling round although I have met up with friends. I have only distant family left. Very little inheritance, although at least very little estate to sort out.

I was just in a deep state of shock initially. I don't really remember the funerals, it is only now I am feeling the emotions. Luckily I am mainly working from home. I cry frequently at work, but it's okay as I am just sitting with my laptop. I am an orphan with no one who knows anything about my parents earlier ladult life or childhood left. No one who knew my grandparents. No one who knew me as a baby or young child. I feel cast adrift, unmoored, floating.

@cannibalvalley

I'm blessed to have the opposite, although I live away now, not in my old home town so I don't see them.

I'm in a down place again this afternoon and evening. Mum's funeral was a week ago. I don't know if that's why or if it was because it was so hot I stayed in and ended up thinking far too much.

I'm going to see Dad for Father's Day, four weeks exactly after losing Mum :( I just keep thinking how hard it must be for him, if it's this hard for me.

Hi everyone, hope you’ve got through the last few days ok.
Anyone else feeling utterly sick about tomorrow? My heart aches at not being able to give my darling dad a hug and tell him how lucky I am to be his while he smiled and told me he’s only ever done “what parents do”. I always knew he was different, special. He never once let me down and he always put me and my children first. In the initial days after his death I had so many people tell me he was more of a dad to them than their own dads. And he was mine and I’m so proud of that. And now he’s not here. It’s just so sad. Sorry I’ve rambled, I’m struggling tonight.

Hi @Motheranddaughtertotwo

How are you and your Mum? I know how you’ll be feeling about tomorrow, and I feel the same. You are not alone, I will be thinking about you and everyone else on here who has to go through tomorrow without being able to spend it with their Dad.
What I would give to be able to go see my Dad tomorrow and take him the usual big bar of Cadbury’s Dairy Milk chocolate that he used to love and got every year without fail. Instead, I’m planning on taking some bright yellow roses to the cemetery and a Father’s Day card that I bought weeks ago.I’ll be glad when tomorrow is over. I’ve managed to have a bit of a distraction today because my youngest son turns 8 in a few days time, and it was his party today with all of his friends, so it’s been very busy and full on and it has nicely taken my mind off tomorrow. I only realised tonight, I had only forgotten about it today.
And you haven’t rambled, I’m sending you a hand hold to get through tonight. I miss my Dad too, so much that I want to scream most days, as loud as I can. I want to scream because he’s been taken from me and because I hate this life without him. It’s not even a life without him, just a sad existence. My mum is still a mess, I feel so broken for her without my Dad each day and he was like a second Dad to both my children.
Your Dad sounds like a wonderful man too. They will be watching over us tonight. Sending you a hug xx

Thinking of everyone who has lost their Dad today, especially if it's your first Fathers day without him 💙

Keep strong, do whatever you need to do to get through the day and know you were blessed to have loved and been loved by your dearly departed dad's.

Thank you @Crunchymum , if anyone had told me this time last year that I’d be taking flowers and a card to the cemetery, I would never have believed it xx

It really does sting doesn't it sweetie?

I'm sorry you are having to visit your dad at the cemetery. Sending you lots of love ❤️

Thank you @Crunchymum , it really does xxx How are you doing?