For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (March 2022) )

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4352163-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-September-2021

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

Hi @LucyintheSky21 . Sorry you’re having such a hard time. You are such a lovely daughter, your mum is lucky to have you. My mum is still struggling and extremely stubborn. She doesn’t want to come anywhere with us because “she didn’t go out all these years, why would she want to now”. She can’t get her head around a different life and it’s so sad, she shouldn’t have to at this age.
It sounds like your dads grave setting will be hard, I hope it goes as smoothly as possible and that you feel the love people had for your dad. Personally, I would grin and bear it. I found that with these things it’s as much about pleasing your mum. Will your DH be able to give you the support for you to get through it?
We don’t have a date for dads yet but I’ve been told to expect it to be towards the end of the year.
I hope this week is peaceful for you all and you are getting the support to get through each day without them.

@Motheranddaughtertotwo

Hi there, it’s nice to hear from you. I can fully understand what you mean about your mum and how she is struggling. My mum is the same. She will come out with us, but it’s because I sort of insist and because she feels she doesn’t have a lot of choices now. She’d much rather be with my Dad though obviously. How are you coping? You don’t mention much about how you are coping with it all. Do you feel pretty much the same?

I feel terrible for my mum because like you say, at their time in life they shouldn’t be having to make new lives without the person they wanted to spend forever with. My mum doesn’t have loads of people. She should have her two daughters and six grandchildren between us, but my sister is still being as selfish as ever. She hasn’t been to see my mum since just after the funeral and he doesn’t call my mum or message her.

My mum turns 70 next Monday and it should be a special birthday, but it won’t be because my Dad isn’t here. She says she has no interest in her birthday this year, which I understand but it’s been so difficult knowing what to do for her. Do I plan a birthday meal somewhere to take her, what do I buy her etc? My mum should have her two daughters, but she just has me and DH and our two boys. She has two sister’s and a good friend. She will force herself to see them but you can see the sadness in her face every day.

It annoys me actually when I see people because they always ask, how is your Mum. I know they mean well, but do they expect me to say ‘oh she’s great now.’ She won’t ever be ok. Time goes on but the pain and saddness you just carry around.

You say it looks like the end of the year for your Dad’s headstone. We were told the same but it seems to be end of July now because the land is ready. You’re probably right, that I will have to smile and go for my mum. As you say, it is more about her. I have got good support from my DH and my two boys, but we all feel it. My DH was good friends with my Dad. We all just feel that life is so cruel and unfair, which it is.

How is your son?

@LucyintheSky21

Just reading your post I wondered have you ever spoken to someone about how you are feeling? I spoke to my GP several times about my grief after mum died. It might be worthwhile checking in with him/her and tell them how you are still feeling.

When I think about my mum now I think how could she possibly just be there my whole life and then not exist anymore. Life is going on there's no doubt about that but it feels like my mum should still be out there living her life.

My dad is not long out of hospital, alcohol related again which resulted in him becoming seriously unwell with self neglect and abusing his body by drinking in excess for a 9 week period. It's been hell on earth to watch powerless to stop his self distruct I've behaviour. He doesn't see the pain he causes the family. It pains everyone but it's me that sees the worst of it. It's me that picks up the peices that tries to keep him alive. This is what it feels like when he goes on his self distruct binge sessions. It's like a battle to keep him alive. I drive up to his and feel physically sick to my stomach as I don't know if he will be dead or alive when I get there.

Thankfully he has pulled through this one amazingly at 77 years old but the drs at the hospital said that this would be his last binge session that he wouldn't pull through another one. He maintains he will remain sober but I have my doubts. My dad has been an alcoholic for 30 years but since mum died it has got a million times worse.

He spent a lot of time whilst drunk talking about mum. He went through stages of having vivid dreams about mum during the night and telling me that he wants to be buried next to her. I tried to not get annoyed at that comment but I did ask him "did we not matter" do I, my sister and all of his grandkids not matter to him? He has seen the devastation that mum has left behind after her sudden passing and I know that my mum would be livid with him with his behaviour but he does what he wants and the rest of us are left in bits each and every time this happens.

I was really scared I was going to loose him but thankfully he is still with me. I just want this awful emotional rollercoaster to stop and for my dad to be fit and healthy.

I don't think my family could cope with another major loss. I really hope that it doesn't come to that anytime soon x

Hi @Ttc42nearly43

Really nice to hear from you, but I am so sorry to hear about your Dad. I can understand his drinking being worse now, and I know it must be so hard to watch. Like you say, for the family to lose him suddenly as well would be just too much to bare. But he must be feeling like my mum feels without my Dad. He will be lost and broken and lonely. How do you rebuild a life without your other half having been there for so long.

My mum has no desire to go on without my Dad. If she didn’t have me and my DH and the grandkids, I’m sure she’d not have lasted this long. As my mum says, her life was with my Dad and now she has no life, and not a life that she wants. It’s so so hard. It’s extremely hard for you of course because it’s your Dad and you’ve already lost one parent. it sounds like you do an amazing job of being there for your Dad and picking up the pieces but it must be so very painful after losing your mum and I can understand you feeling scared of losing your Dad. I really hope your Dad stays well and stops drinking. Xx

No I haven’t spoken to a GP. It’s not something I want to do. I think I’m doing well considering I lost my Dad only 8 months ago. It’s strange how some people think after six months or so that you should just be over it, I do feel that some people who have no idea what it’s like do think like that. We know that you don’t get over losing your mum or your Dad, especially when you’ve been so close. I’m getting through each day like you, but miss my Dad terribly and life is very hard without him. I know I will always miss him.

They say how you grieve shows how you felt for a person. My main focus is still to be there for my mum and we include her in everything we do, unless she doesn’t want to.

Yes, that’s how I feel about my Dad. I can’t believe he’s been here all my life, for 40 years and then bang he’s gone. He should still be living his life. Both my DH’s parents are much older than my Dad and still here. It feels so unfair.

Please post again soon and let me know how you’re doing and how your Dad is. xx

Hi all,

I haven’t posted on here for a while, but really need to talk to someone, as I have had an awful day today and don’t seem to have been able to move forward at all since my mum’s death last November.

I started a new job today, having given my notice in at my previous job, but left at lunchtime and e-mailed them to tell them I would not be coming back. I felt like I needed a fresh start but now feel this was a mistake and that I would be better off sticking to what I know, so e-mailed the office manager at my old firm when I came home asking if they would consider taking me back. I am waiting to hear back from her. I don’t really feel ready to go back to work anywhere (I thought I was and even said so to my GP yesterday), but I am no longer entitled to sick pay and need to go back for financial reasons etc. I just hope that no one from the new firm tells anyone from the old firm about the incident.

I have been taking amitriptyline (currently 35mg) since last December to help improve my low mood and I thought they were helping, but obviously not as much as I thought, other than improving my migraines. Does anyone have any experience of this medication?

I have had a few short term counselling sessions, but they didn’t help me a great deal. I have considered paying for this privately, but it is so expensive and I would have to fit it around work etc.

I don’t feel much better than when my mum first died. She was my best friend and we did everything together. I have no siblings or close friends and when my elderly dad dies I won’t really have anyone who loves me as much. I have a few other family members on dad’s side of the family who live nearby and a few on my mum’s side, but they live down south and I never see them. I just feel so lonely, but find this thread a comfort and it helps to hear from people who are going through the same, even if our situations are different.

@Poppy04

Hi Poppy,

I’m so glad you posted. I decided to post last night because I was hoping people would also respond to me. I lost my Dad end of September, so not much before you lost your mum. We are all in the same situation on here. We all deal with things differently but we’re all sadly in the same boat. I too am finding it so hard. I spend most days pretending it’s not really happened and in my mind I feel like he’s coming back. I think it’s what keeps me going.
i can’t help with the medication as I have never taken antidepressants and I’ve also tried to avoid counselling. I have a DH who has been really supportive and I have friends but only one who has been through it/going through it as she lost her mum a few years ago. My other friends have not been supportive at all, they just don’t understand or I can tell that after a few weeks they expect you to be over it. It’s not something you ever do get over. I believe that in time you probably get more used to it, but I don’t think you ever get over losing your mum or your dad. I think you just learn to carry the pain around.

How is your Dad coping?

i honestly think if you’re not ready to go back to work then you should definitely take more time. Don’t ever let anyone pressure you into going back before you’re ready. If you want to talk or pm me to talk more about how you feel, feel free to at any time. I am also finding life so hard without my Dad and it really does help to talk to people who are going through the same xx

Hi @LucyintheSky21
My dad is not coping well really, but bottles it up. He is 84 and has various health issues, which add to his stress and he gets easily irritated/annoyed with me. Most of the pressure for me to return to work comes from him, but I know this is only because he is worried about what will happen to me in the future if I end up without a full pension because I have not worked enough years and no inheritance if he has to go into a care home. Hopefully he won’t have to, but there are no guarantees.

I think I was probably asking a bit much of myself going someone new at the moment. I had been in my previous job 10 years and although there were things I didn’t like about it (which is why I was looking elsewhere), at least it was familiar. Hopefully they will agree to take me back part time, at least for the time being.

The problem is I am not sure I will ever feel ready to go back and the longer I am off the harder it will be and as my dad says, the older you get the more difficult it is to find work. I also know it was one of the things that worried my mum the most - that I would just give up work and become a carer for my dad and possibly end up with nothing after he has gone. So I haven’t really got much choice.

@LucyintheSky21 I know exactly what you mean about when people ask about mum. Someone at church asked me what was wrong with mum recently, I wanted to scream that this is mum now, this is how she is. It’s heartbreaking.
You’re right I haven’t really discussed how I’m feeling. Honestly, I still can’t get my head around it. I miss him desperately and ache to speak to him. I’m visiting the cemetery more but it doesn’t fill the void, nothing will and it still hurts so much. I can’t help but feel the same with my in-laws too, they’re older than my parents.

@Ttc42nearly43 i was seeing a psychotherapist for a bit but stopped because of work times, I should really start up again. What you’re going through with your dad is heartbreaking, sending so much strength.

@Poppy04 my heart breaks reading your posts. If you can, stay off work longer. You’ve had such a big loss. Part time would be good too. My work is often a welcome distraction of the reality without our loved one.

I lost my dad on 18th march 2019 after he was diagnosed with colon cancer. He was 64. Mum and dad had relocated to Devon for retirement and about 6 months later,after initially thinking dad had irritable bowel,he was diagnosed with the cancer. Finding this time of year hard as June is father's Day and also dad's birthday. Sending everyone love xx

@LetsGoCrazyPurpleBanana
My mum died from the same thing. She was 70. She had a successful operation to remove the tumour, but it later spread to her liver and then her brain, which sadly did not respond to chemo and she died last November. For me it was Mothers Day that was hard, it was also my birthday the same month and it will be hers in August. Thinking of you x

Thank you xx I'm sorry to hear about your mum :( very similar to my dad's. They managed to remove my dad's tumor and he had a stoma but sadly it metastised to his liver and kidneys and face :( xx

I wanted to pop in and say Hi and send everyone love and support.

It's coming up to the 2 year anniversary of when I last saw my mum (day before my birthday which is this month). I still cannot comprehend that. I know it is true as I've lived every single second of it but saying it out loud is so strange.

I'm two years away from the last time I ever felt her in my arms or smelt her scent or touched her skin. Yet she is still very much alive in my mind and my memories. She is very vivid and "in focus" when I think of her, which I do all the time. She is sharp and prominent and in technicolor glory. I hope and pray she is always like this and my memories don't fade and become dull.

My mum wasn't a royalist but she loved the ceremony and spectacle so she'd have loved the current celebrations. I have thought of her a lot the past few days in particular. I miss her immeasurably but I've found myself telling the kids how much nanny would have loved this and sharing memories of when nanny took us for VE celebrations when we were little etc. It helps a lot, to share my memories of her and remember how vibrant and alive and dynamic she was.

They live on through us. They are never far away. They are never truly gone.

Hi everyone,

How are you all?

Unfortunately a lot has happened since I was last on here. Most recently my Auntie passed away suddenly from lung cancer. She was the one closest to my Mum and those last couple of days waiting for news whilst she was in hospital affected me so much more than I ever thought it could.

Just brought mums last days back to me so vividly - they died of different causes but it seems that 'waiting game' where you know there's no happy outcome is very much the same.

She also died on the evening of my youngest's first birthday.

Also been run down with germs (again - cheers kids) which hasn't helped!

I go back to work next week too, and I think all the emotions are just swirling around at the moment. Probably doesn't help I've been shockingly bad at remembering to take my anti depressant...

Anyway, I hope you're all doing ok and managing to enjoy at least part of the bank holiday. Mentioned the word bbq earlier and it promptly p**d it down before the first burger was ready. Pretty much sums up life right now! Ironically made me smile though so I'll take it 🙂

Hi @Crunchymum and @Saz345

How are you both?

@Crunchymum - doesn’t time go really quickly. It’s 8 months now since we lost my Dad and it feels like two weeks ago. I know what you mean when you say that your mum is still very much alive in your thoughts. I think about my Dad every single day and he’s exactly the same as he always was when I think of him. I think of him and I see him so clearly and hear his voice so clearly. I never want that to fade. It’s crushing though when you think that time is going by so fast, not that I’d want to re-live any of what’s happened, but it’s painful to think it’s that long since we last saw them. x

@Saz345 - It’s nice to see you on here, but I am so sorry about your Auntie. Another awful loss for you, and it must have brought back so much pain for you. I hope you feel better soon and that you managed to enjoy your bbq, despite some rain. x

I thought I would join this thread as I lost my Dad on Wednesday. He was in a nursing home and had dementia so it wasn't a shock but we're all still devastated. I can't get my head around how such a strong and fit man could deteriorate so quickly and was skin and bone when he died. Its hit me extra hard today for some reason (maybe its sunk in). My first experience of real grief. Sending lots of hugs to those here who have and are going through the same.

I can’t cope with the time passing. It’s been nearly a year since my mum died and I keep looking at photos which are the “last ofs” and how her grandchildren won’t get anymore growing up time with her. I am still utterly broken by grief and it feels endless.

she wasn’t even 70 and she had a sudden illness and then she was gone.

Wow, that’s a lot to take. How heartbreaking. My dad died last year of lung cancer and we watched him go through what we’d seen my uncle go through a couple of years before. My cousin who’s dad it was found it really difficult to cope with too, though she was a massive strength to me. Do you have cousins you’re close to?
I hope you’re ok going back to work.

@LucyintheSky21 hope you’ve got through the week ok and your boys are doing well.

@notnowdennis it doesn’t get easier does it? It’s been 15 months for me and I still constantly think about all the things he’s missing.

Wishing everyone a peaceful week.

Hi everyone today has been such the worse day am lying awake worrying. I had my dog at the vet today for a check up and they think she has a tumor on her spleen. Am terrified of loosing her I feel like I can't cope with anymore loss. I have had my dog since she was 8 weeks old and she now 13 and a half. I love her so much. I just want to speak to my mum and tell her the news. She goes in Friday for scans to determine if it's benign or not.

I also got an email from the solicitor saying that the independent medial report is supportive towards the medical negligence case am pursuing. I haven't been given the full report this will come through in the next few days. It feels like a punch in the gut I feel literally sick to my stomach to this that maybe if the care home staff and GP had got my mum to the hospital sooner she might still be here. It could be that there is a court case. Am not sure if this is how it will go but it is seeming more and more likely. I have to keep up the fight for mum tho it's the last thing I can do for her. It's the only thing that's left to try and get some justice for her. Am in a situation now where am going over and over mums fewdays before she was admitted again in my head wondering if there was anymore I could have done. It's just torture.

How much pain and loss can someone cope with I feel like am lying on the ground and someone is kicking into me. The pain of loosing my mum is never ending. The last time I held my mum's hand the day that she died was 5th March 2021 and it feels like forever. I love her so much and I need her so much.

I hope everyone else is doing ok? Seems like a daft statement as we are all falling to bits here xx

notnowdennis
I totally get how you feel they say time is a great healer but nothing could be further from the truth. The more time passes the longer it has been since we hugged our mums. That's what I want more than anything a hug from my mum and for her to tell me that everything is going to be ok. Am sure u feel the same. My mum was just 66 when she died similar to your mum and after a sudden illness too. It came totally out of the blue it's just horrible that this is our last memories such sadness and pain.

Sometimes I call my mum's mobile just to hear her voice on the answer machine message she sounds so hopeful that someone is trying to reach her. I want to see her I know that's impossible it difficult to know how it meant to live the rest of your life without your mum isn't it. The person who lived and nurtured you your whole life xx

Hi @Ttc42nearly43

How are you feeling? I am so sorry to hear about your dog. I have only just read your post but had to reply straight away.
I have 3 cats, you may not remember. My oldest will be 20 years old in a few months. He’s been with me half my life.
But his brother passed away ten years ago with a tumour on his spleen, so reading your post, I simply had to reply. This does not mean that your dog won’t be ok, it all depends on the tests and how soon it’s caught etc. We took our cat to the vets because he wasn’t eating and seemed really unwell and no energy etc. We had tests and he had to have a biopsy to determine the same m, and it was cancer. He was put on two lots of pills and we had to wait a short time for him to get well enough to be operated so that the vet could remove the tumour, and the vet said that if we could remove it that he would continue a normal and healthy life after that and would go on like a normal cat. The problem in our case was that I don’t think he was well enough to undergo an operation and I think he would have died under anaesthetic but I wouldn’t put him to sleep and I told the vet we would do everything and anything we could to save him.
So, and although this is awful news for you, try to remain hopeful that if she’s well enough to be operated on that she may well be able to have this removed. Unfortunately my cat was due to go in to be operated on and he passed away in the early hours of that morning (very ironically on my Dad’s bday). Your dog might be a lot stronger than my cat was and may well be able to have it removed if it is cancer. If it’s not that, then that’s even better, but I know how you’re feeling. How unwell does she seem? It ripped my heart out. We had our cat for ten years and 8 months and his brother has gone on for that time over again and is still with us.
Please please will you update on Friday and let me know? Try stay positive at the moment, I know it’s hard.
I also really feel for you over the situation with the medical report. It must be agonising for you waiting for it to come. I know a court case would be really agonising for you to go through, but if it comes to that, like you say, you are fighting for your mum. I know it would be so hard to accept if negligence is proven.
Its brought tears to my eyes reading the end of your post about the pain being never ending and the last time you held your mum’s hand. I think sometimes that there must be something wrong with me because I still can’t accept and won’t accept my Dad is gone. Sometimes I re live it over in my head his final moment before he passed in the hospital, me holding his hand and my sister holding his other hand and my mum stroking his head, all in floods of tears and how heartbreaking and soul destroying that day was. But every day since has been as agonising, it’s just that I try to push it away and out of my mind. It doesn’t get harder, I don’t care what people say. It gets harder. The pain does get harder but we just have to some how keep going. It’s so hard.
All the very best of luck with the vets tomorrow. One of my cats is actually also not very well, and is going to the vets next Tuesday but he has ongoing stomach issues and I’ve had him four years but not since a kitten. He just turned up and I took him in. He’s not been a very well cat but I find him so much comfort to me and we love him like the other two. He’s on two lots of medication daily but I have noticed that the medication doesn’t seem to be doing it’s job and he is drinking excessively at the moment and always hungry and seems to be not right again with his stomach. So it’s different to what you’re going through with your dog but I don’t think the long term outcome for our cat will be great. He has some complex problems with his stomach and it’s very hard to keep his symptoms at bay. I’d be devastated if we lost him even after four years because he’s part of our family now and I sort of saved him as he was homeless. I honestly think think life can be like a massive kick in the stomach.
xx

@Ttc42nearly43 - sorry for the typo. I meant to say, it does get harder. It doesn’t get easier. I think after many years the pain must become easier to carry around but that is just what I am told by people have been through the same or similar xx

@Ttc42nearly43 oh that is exactly it, isn’t it?

I am so sorry for your situation too, especially with your lovely dog.

we had ongoing hospital discussions for months after my mum’s death and in the end I walked away as it was just too painful and made grieving worse. I feel a bit stronger now so have picked it back up again. Is there any option for you to do the same so you can have some time out to build a bit of resilience?

@Ttc42nearly43

I'm sorry to hear about your dog. I hope for a positive outcome for you. Pets are such a deep and connected part of the family.

We had to get my beautiful 12yo cat put to sleep exactly a week before mum died suddenly. My mum was bereft for me. It was just horrid and still upsets me greatly now. So much loss all at once. Obviously mum's death completely overshadowed the loss of my little cat but it's as you say. How much sadness can one person take?

The loss of my mum and the loss of my cat will always be entwined, breaks my heart to know that mum knew I was feeling so sad when she died too.... she had spent a week comforting me about my girl and then she died too. Awful.....

It's coming up to two years since I last saw her (didn't see her for a few months before she died. Bloody Covid!!)..... Two years since I last saw mum 😢 how??

Hi @Ttc42nearly43

How are you? I wondered how your dog is and how you got on today at the vets? xx

Sorry for the delay, for some reason I'm not getting notifications.

I get on with my cousins but I wouldn't say we were close as such. We all live so far apart. (All over the country really). I saw my Auntie more as she often stayed with mum in holidays etc.

It was also really quick, just like Mum. From diagnosis to her passing was a little over a week. I know some say that is a blessing, which I can understand and I know is meant well but doesn't really help at the time.

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad.

Work went OK thank you. Luckily I'm only going 3 days a week for the time being so that helps.

How are you doing today? Xx