For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (March 2022) )

[Crunchymum]

I hope no-one minds me starting a new thread, the old one is almost full.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4352163-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-a-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread-September-2021

As always lots of love and strength and support to you all xxx

I just read my typo my mum sadly passed last March xx

@Ttc42nearly43 - Hiya, how are you? I thought you hadn’t been on here for a while. How is your Dad? And how is your mother in law’s partner? I’m still finding life so very hard without my Dad, things are no different here xx

@LucyintheSky21

Hiya yeah it's been a while I've been really busy with work and the kids just life really still missing mum all the time tho.

My dad is variable he's off/on the drink I seen him yesterday he was quite shaky I just wish he'd give it up for good. I had him going to the AA there but it didn't last. I went along with him for the first meeting and sat outside in my car for a hour and a half just to make sure he got on ok I wasn't allowed into the meeting. He then ditched the meetings after just 3 weeks.

My mother in law's partner sadly he died this is his funeral am going to tomorrow.

Your right the missing them never goes away. You cope a bit better with everyday life through time but the hole they leave in your life will be there forever there's no getting away for that fact unfortunately we are all staring into a future without our loved ones it's sad isn't it xx

@Ttc42nearly43 - oh I’m sorry about your Mother in law’s partner. I did think that would probably be the funeral you were going to that you had mentioned, but I didn’t like to presume. I’m sorry for your family and I hope the funeral doesn’t bring it all back for you. We still haven’t got the stone down for my Dad but it should be August time I think, so nearly a year it’ll be then as my Dad went on the 24th September, you’ll remember. So I have to go through all of that when we have the stone laid but none of it is organised yet and we still haven’t finalised the wording for the stone.
I’m sorry your Dad hasn’t kept up with the meetings. I do remember you going with him and waiting. I can understand how hard your Dad is finding life without your mum as I know my mum is going through the same without my Dad and she tells me every day how much she hates this life without him. My sister is still no contact with me and my oldest son has been very upset about this over the last couple of weeks. She always sends Easter eggs but nothing came this Easter, but he’s upset that his auntie and cousins don’t want anything to do with him and he doesn’t understand why.
Everything you say is correct, we keep busy with our lives, working and children etc but we will miss them forever and the pain will be with us forever. You describe it very accurately.
It’s nice to see you on here and I hope tomorrow goes as well as can be expected. Will you pop on if you can and let us know how you’re doing xx

Ttc42nearly43 I hope the funeral today went as well as it could and you coped okay?

I haven't been to a funeral since mum and I think I'd find it incredibly triggering.

Sorry I've been AWOL. It's 19 months since my beloved mum died suddenly and whilst day to day (and even week to week) life is plodding along, grief and sadness is something that is ingrained in me now. Missing her, thinking about all the things she hasn't seen and hasn't been part of. Knowing that every day I'm a day further away from her. She has a beautiful grandchild she never got to meet. It's just shit.

Yet I laugh and I smile and I find pleasure in small things. I have found "my groove" so to speak. I see my dad often and he is coping phenomenally. My siblings too. I'm the oldest of us and I'm so proud of them.

As much as none of us wanted it to, or imagined it could, life really does go on. We just have to take our love and our memories and all the strengths and positives mum gave us with us into this "different" life.

@Crunchymum - it’s good to see you back on. I know what you mean about the days just going on but life not being the same. I can’t believe how fast time is going by, and I hate this new different life without my Dad. Like you, I can laugh at little things and I can smile with my kids about things, but as you say so we’ll, the pain and sadness is just ingrained in you. It’s a case of we have no choice but to carry on without them. But I think about my Dad in everything I do, every day I think about him. Some days I cry and other days I try not to. I would say for me that I still think I'm in shock and denial about it all, the way it happened and how unexpected. I still feel inside and think he’s coming back and he’s just gone somewhere. I’m honestly starting to wonder if that will ever fade or change xx It’s great news that your Dad is coping. My mum isn’t coping well but it is still early days. I’m still going everything I can for her.

My mum died 12 years ago and tonight it has hit me so bad. No idea why in particular. She was such a good mum and maybe it’s because I feel like such a crappy one at times in comparison? She never knew my kids and it’s so heartbreaking when talking about ‘nanny’ I have to always clarify it with ‘no not that nanny, the one who died.’ Sorry for hijacking as sure thh to is thread is for more recent losses, just wish it felt lots better with time.

You aren't hijacking at all @Sillybeagle

I'm sorry you are having a hard time and struggling at the moment. Grief is all about the clichés but it really is the price we pay for having someone so special in our lives?

I hope I don't cause any offence but on a selfish level I'm almost reassured that 12 years down the line, you still "feel" your loss. I am worried one day I'll stop feeling sad and I equate that with forgetting? I am scared I'll forget my mum.

I'm sure you are a wonderful mum. You would have learnt from your own lovely mum afterall.

Take it easy and keep well.

@Sillybeagle - you're very welcome here anytime. There is no time limit to grief. There are days I still really miss my nana & she died over 30 years ago. ❤️

Hi everyone, sorry I haven’t been on for a while. Just been busy I guess with my two boys and helping my Mum and just with life. How is everyone coping? I’ve had two tough days, today and yesterday. No particular reason either, I just miss my Dad so much that some days I could scream. I’m so angry he’s not here. I go from raw sadness to just anger that’s he’s not here when he had so much left to live for.
i went food shopping this morning and sat in the car park having a cry before I had to sort my face out and go in and do the shopping. Some days I don’t cry at all, but I just feel so angry that he’s gone. What I would give to see my Dad and talk to him one more time.
@Crunchymum @iklboo @Motheranddaughtertotwo @Ttc42nearly43 @mrssunshinexxx - how are all of you? xx

Hi @LucyintheSky21

I'm ok. Fair to middling as my folks used to say. DS said something (nice & funny) about mum yesterday and my insides felt like someone had scrunched them into a ball. Real physical pain. I didn't say anything to him though.

I sometimes have flashbacks of sitting with dad after he'd gone. His face & he was so cold. I'm f sitting with mum as she slowly died. It's very hard when that happens.

I'm back at work (from home) which is helping. My boss is amazing & my colleagues are all lovely. It takes my mind off things for a while.

Hi everyone. @LucyintheSky21 that’s what I’ve been saying all week, I just want to talk to him. I miss his kindness and how much he cared about me and my kids. Things have really improved in my professional life and in turn with our finances and I desperately wish he was here with me. Every bit of happiness is tinged with sadness because dad isn’t here.
@iklboo the physical pain is so real. Such happy memories and so much longing for more. I’m glad being back at work is helping. My therapist told me that sometimes the only thing that helps is distraction.
Sending hugs to everyone and hoping you’ve got through the week ok.

@Motheranddaughtertotwo Hi there, I’m glad things have got so much better for you at work, that’s great news and something your Dad would be so proud of you for. He will be seeing all of it. ‘Every bit of happiness tinged with sadness’, is completely true. When something slightly good or happy happens, you just want your Dad to be there to share it and it’s so painful that they’re not. That’s how I feel. Things haven’t really changed for me. I’m just getting through each day the best I can but like you, I miss my Dad more each day and just have such a huge longing for him to be here with us and for my kids and my mum. How is your Mum? xx

Mum is having a better week in that she’s been a big active but then today she got really sad again and spent the day in bed. How’s your mum getting on @LucyintheSky21 ?

@Motheranddaughtertotwo - I think my mum is probably doing the same as yours, coping-wise. If she’s got a busier week where she’s at least going somewhere or seeing someone most days, she sort of pulls herself together and seems not too bad. But then when the weekend rolls round again she’s rock bottom. It’s sad to say, but it’s like she feels she has no life now without my Dad. They did so much together, will be like your mum and dad. She doesn’t really want to do any of the things she does but she has to fill the time.
I haven’t had a good week, but I have to try and not think too much about things or it just takes over xx

Just thought I'd pop on to say hello. Haven't been on for a while. For those who don't know my dad passed very suddenly at the end of September. The days after were some of the worst I've ever experienced, I've never known pain like it, or experienced such powerful emotions, and thought I'd never stopped crying, to say it was overwhelming doesn't even come close. Time passing has eased the emotions and the raw pain, but they haven't gone, but it's an easier to carry them and live with them. I still cry, it really doesn't take much to set me off. I don't think that's something that will ever stop. I'm back to my normal routine, work etc. I know life will never be the same again, but it does have to go on, some days are harder than others, but it does get easier and I know my dad would be happy that I'm not sitting around feeling upset and sad all the time.

Hi everyone. Hope you're all ok.

DH, DS & I were at Whitby for the weekend. Really enjoyed the break. I treated myself to a jet pendant and we had lots to eat.

We went down to the house today to put some more stuff in storage & take some things to the tip. The house looks lonelier each time. So sad.

@Testarossa44

I remember how you lost your Dad as it was very similar to me in that we both lost them suddenly and expectedly, and both September. I lost my Dad on the 24th September. Reading your recent post is just very similar to how I feel right now and what my life is like. The first few days after it happened and the first week like yours were excruciating. The pain was excruciating, it was like agony. Raw emotions caused by a huge shock. I’m still in shock, even 7 months on but the days go on as you say, and you have to just carry on as hard as it is. I hate life without Dad though, and like you, it doesn’t take much to make me cry.
Do you still feel in shock? I ask because I do, even after all the time that’s gone by since September, I still feel that overwhelming sense of ‘how can this have happened?’. x

@iklboo

How are you? I’m glad you enjoyed Whitby. It was interesting reading your post because Whitby is our ‘special place’. Me and DH and our two boys go to Whitby every year in the summer for a week. We go to the same place every year and have friends who we have met who also go and we all go the same week. We love Whitby. And I love the Whitby jet. Every holiday I treat myself to some Whitby jet earrings or a necklace before we come home.
My mum and Dad also always come and join us for a day of our holiday each summer. The come over early and stay the full day with us, before driving back in the evening and it’s always the best day of our holiday, spending it with my mum and dad. I‘m devastated that my Mum and Dad won’t join us this time, it won’t be the same.

My mum and I have been busy since last week finalising the wording for my Dad’s headstone and we’re trying to arrange a consecration or stone setting which looks like it’ll be in July. It’s not something I have ever been to before and to be honest, I am dreading it. I feel like it will be having my Dad’s funeral all over again. I feel weird some days, I feel like the weeks are rolling and going by and yet I’m still not over the shock of any of this. I certainly know I haven’t accepted yet that my Dad is gone. I don’t know if I ever will accept it x

@LucyintheSky21
I think the initial shock has gone, but I don't think I'll ever really come to terms with it, he still had life to live and it feels like it was snatched away from him. I miss my dad every single day, it's small stuff, something that I'd love to share with him, show him, tell him, and it hurts that I can't.

Testarossa44 I recall the physical pain in the first few months. It has been a year pasted March since I lost my mum. It was by far the most devastating thing that has ever happened to me and my family. The loss is huge it totally engulfs you. I considered taking my own life I really couldn't cope with the sadness and gut wrenching grief. I have to say if it wasn't for my children I would probably no longer be here. I kept going for them as there was no way that I wanted to put my children through the pain and the agony that I was suffering. You are right in time you cope better but the loss is permanent and there is nothing that anyone can do about tha. We just need to learn how to cope the best we can each day and remember that we are part of our parents and that will never ever change x

Sorry for dipping in and out, I do read but often don't have the words to post.

I am very tired these days (life / kids / autoimmune illness) and I think you guys all deserve the right words.

My Mum died suddenly and unexpectedly in September too (albeit September 2020) and still some days it doesn't seem real. For a split moment I forget.

She is always close. I talk about her all the time and I think about her just as often. I think about happier times, I think about her legacy [My whole lifetime up until September 2020] and I notice all the ways I am like her. I know that we are her. My siblings and our children, she is still part of our family. She always will be.

I don't feel as sad now, I mean I have this sadness deep inside that will never go away but I can think of her and not end up in tears. I can think of her and smile.

I miss her so much but I have also got to a point of..... I don't know... acceptance??

It's been the most testing experience of my life though and I had points where I wanted to have a proper toddler tantrum until I got my mum back (if only hey?)

I guess my point is, we do cope and we do manage and we do even have moments of happiness. It would be the cruellest thing for our lost parents, for the loss of them to be our breaking point?

Hi everyone, I just wondered how you are all coping?

It’s 7 months now since I lost my Dad. It’s hard for me to really describe how I’m feeling, or if I’m ok. It’s actually 5 years ago today that I lost my Nan, who I was very close to, but she was much older than my Dad and what I consider an acceptable age. You seem to reach a certain point in your life where people/your friends and people you know of around the same age seem
to be losing their grandparents. I’m not saying that it’s not upsetting as I was devastated to lose my Nan, but when I lost my Dad and so unexpectedly 7 months ago, it was a different feeling entirely.

My mum and I have now finalised all of the details for my Dad’s headstone and are arranging a consecration/head stone gathering for the summer. I have never been to one before. Has anyone else had this or anything like this?

It still all feels a bit surreal, like I still can’t believe any of it’s happened or that it’s my Dad. I miss him terribly every day, I know that will never go. I know now that the pain will never go, it doesn’t get easier but I think you learn to carry it. You find ways to carry on.

@Crunchymum - reading your most recent post, I can relate to that ‘split second where you forget’. I still sometimes think I’ll wake up and it’ll all have been a big bad dream. If only. My Dad was September too (last September), now my worst month of the year. Like you say about your mum, I also talk about my Dad every day and you keep them alive. We are our parents, definitely xx

Hi everyone, hi @LucyintheSky21 , we’ve finalised the headstone too, it all seems so final (I’ve said that so many times since he died). We haven’t arranged anything but I guess we should. I still feel so so sad. I get up every day and remember that he’s still dead. Then I have a cry and play dads music and then I put my make up on and wake my son up and go to work and function. There’s a constant heavy feeling. I desperately want to talk to him. I went to the cemetery after work today and broke down.
@Crunchymum your last post really resonated with me, my dad was my biggest supporter, he has to be the reason I do well, not the reason I break. Thank you for reminding me.

@Motheranddaughtertotwo - I always read your posts and feel like it’s me who’s written it. I know we can all resonate with things people say on here, as we’re all unfortunately going through the same thing so a lot of the feelings are the same. But when I read your posts, it could be me.

Sorry for only just replying, it’s been a busy week and not really a great one. Like you, I wake up every day and the first thought I have is ‘my Dad is still not here’, almost reminding myself that yes it did happen. I get my two boys ready for school and I usually play my Dad’s music while I’m doing my hair and make-up or just doing jobs. I like to play it, one particular song which was my Dad’s fave song ever and also a great song, but it makes me sad too. I like to play it for my Dad if that makes sense, but then I feel so angry and sad that he can’t be here to do that. I still can’t make sense of why he’s not here.
How is your Mum? My mum is not doing well at all, I just don’t know what to do. She’s so low. I feel like she’s getting worse. We take her out with us every weekend and never leave her but she’s so low. I can feel it and I can see it. I feel so angry that my older sister hasn’t been to see her since just after the funeral and she hasn’t rang or been in contact with my mum for about 6 weeks. I just wish she had more support. My mum has a couple of close friends but I feel like they were ringing mum a lot and slowly it’s not as much. She really needs the support. It’s also her birthday soon and I don’t know what to do for it or buy her. She says the only thing she wants is my Dad.

It’s a difficult thing arranging the headstone isn’t it? Have you got a date that it’s going to be put down? We have the date and it’s in July. Apparently you don’t have to do anything, sometimes just close family gather to see it but my mum wants us to ask everyone who came to the funeral as my Dad had a lot of friends. What do you think you will do?xx

Hi Everyone,

How are you all doing? Sorry I haven’t been on for a couple of weeks. I do think about everyone on here often and wonder how you are all coping with life.

It’s just turned 8 months now since we lost my Dad, and I was saying to a friend of mine today that it feels like two minutes ago. I know that it’ll soon be September again, which means a year will have been since my Dad passed and I just can’t get my head around how it can have been that long. I feel like it was only two weeks ago that I was stood talking to him. Does anyone else feel like this? I just don’t know where the time has gone.

I would say that I’m getting through each day, still one day at a time though. We do so much with my Mum still and include her in everything. We even went out for tea tonight, just a treat for my two boys with them being off school this week, so I invited mum along. It still doesn’t feel ‘right’ without my Dad at all. I don’t think it ever will.

The best way that I can describe how I feel is that every day when I wake up, I sort of feel like ‘Oh no, it’s another day of this’, like a feeling of dread that yes the situation or yes life is still the same. It’s still miserable and awful and yes Dad is still not here. I don’t cry every single day, and I try to find things to feel positive about, but I feel down and low mood most of the time. I think I do hide it quite well most of the time, and I have to do this for my kids. I think I’m doing well considering but I do find it hard to motivate myself some days, things feel like an effort for me. I have to force myself to make plans and do things. But I am at least making plans to meet friends and doing things with the kids. The best way of describing it, is that I do things but don’t feel happy.

Has anyone had a consecration or a stone setting before? Or has anyone had all their family and friends to see the headstone together before at any time? We are doing this in July, it’s all arranged and I really am not looking forward to it. A friend of mine made me think about this today by saying that the first time I see the headstone with my Dad’s name on will be very hard and distressing, and that it’s something that might be better done alone or with immediate family.

My mum has invited or asked all family and all Dad’s friends to arrive at a certain time and date and has organised a place for everyone to go afterwards. I just feel like it’ll be another really hard day to get through, and I have to share it once again with aunties and uncles and cousins who I don’t see from one year to the next. I don’t know if anyone has any thoughts or advice on this? I really wish that when we found out the date for the stone being laid that we had agreed to just go close family instead of informing everyone and saying please join us. Everyone could then have gone in their own time. My sister still not being in contact with me and being in barely any contact with my mum also doesn’t help this situation.

Anyway, I hope everyone is holding up ok. And I hope people will pop along and post something to let us all know how they’re doing. How are you @Motheranddaughtertotwo and how are you @Crunchymum and @iklboo ?
Sending love and strength to all of you on here xx