PLEASE HELP. Heartbroken *edited by MNHQ to say that sadly this thread requires a content warning for the loss of a child*

[xaxs]

long story short, I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy just short of 2 weeks ago, who was stillborn, I CAN. not. BREATHE. I feel as though I am suffocating daily, I cry endlessly, i question why me? i just can't believe it, without a doubt THE hardest thing I have ever been through in my life, why is life so cruel? I had everything set to be a mommy to my son and just been snatched away from me.

I can't sleep, when I do I wake up in pain and panicky screaming out loud but with no noise. I shut my eyes and the day replays over and over in my head, I can't find the words to say how it feels.

Worst is no one else has the answers, I feel awful having to tell people what's happened when they message asking how I am as I would've been due anyday now. It's heart wrenching honestly.

I just want to know if anyone else has experienced this (obviously I know I'm not alone I'm still births) but just how they coped with it😣 my sons dad just says he's so sorry and doesn't speak about him or the situation nor was he there at the birth and i suppose part of me resents him for that.

I am so so sorry this happened to you. I had a similar experience many years ago. Like yours, my partner was unable to be at the birth which added a whole other layer of misery.
What go me through it was shutting out the world for a month or so and talking it through with him over and over again - he was the only person who could really understand what I was going through. I also spent a lot of time on online forums talking to people who had been through the same thing.
The hardest part for me, as a poster said above, was other peoples' reactions. I only hung out with them when I needed an uncomplicated evening of drinking.
Work out what you need and be kind to yourself, you deserve as much kindness as possible right now.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I don't have any useful advice except to say that you are never alone, there are some amazing people on here who can provide wonderful insight and guidance...
Thinking of you and your son....xx

Hello,
I would suggest the peanut app for mothers who can share all things motherhood. This includes the not so nice side of things such as miscarriage and stillbirth.
I was recommended it on here not long ago after looking for people going through the same thing as me and whilst it has not magiced away my pain, it has helped to find someone who can relate to my struggle.

I would say though, that as it is an app for pregnancy in all its stages you will also come across people posting their children, baby bumps, happy partnerships and gender reveals etc so if you're not ready for that yet maybe hold out until you feel a bit stronger x

I am so so sorry about your beautiful baby boy.

Your pain comes across so acutely through your words. It clearly shows how a lifetime of love was generated by you for your beautiful boy during your pregnancy. Life can be so cruel. Grief in many cases doesn’t end, it shouldn’t because your boy is just so precious and he should have his ongoing place in this world with you, but you will grow around the grief and you will incorporate it in and that enormous tsunami of grief you feel today will become waves that you will be able to let wash over you.

You did nothing wrong, you did not deserve to have this happen. I am sending every strength and love to you and pure love to your baby boy. You are precious too, mind yourself and be so kind to yourself.

I’m so sorry, my heart breaks for you

Oh xaxs, this is indeed heartbreaking; I wish I could take some of your pain away. x

I'm so sorry. I've been where you are, and it is devastating. You are in the worst part of it right now, and unfortunately that is something that you do need to go through, but you will come out the other side. Your unhappiness is caused by the great love you have for your baby, and it honours him, even though it is so very hard for you.

The best advice I was given at the time is not to try to deal with this all right now. Little by little, you will feel more able to cope with day to day life, and the physical pain of it will ease. It took me about 2 years to feel "normal" again, but it did happen.

Concentrate on the small things that mark the stages of each day. Make sure you get up and get dressed. Make and eat food. Leave the house (even just to empty the bins).Talk to another adult if you can manage it. Individually these things are tiny, but they will give you a framework to cling to.

As time goes on, make a small plan for each day (bake a cake, buy a newspaper, walk the dog, anything really). Try to feel the achievement that doing these things represents. I changed the place I did my shopping, to avoid seeing people who might ask for news of my baby (this happened once, and I had to just leave my trolley and run out of the shop).

I would be cautious about forums like SANDS- I was looking for some hope and for someone to tell me how to get through it alive, but I found the forums actively unhelpful with that- I may have tried at a bad time, or the people there who were the most negative may have left, but it isn't always helpful. I was a member of a feminist board at the time, which was much better for me and really helped, because there wasn't quite the same danger of being caught up in hopelessness.

The flashbacks are hard, I was tormented by them. A psychologist friend told me that the best thing is not to fight them. I found that they eased off a lot as soon as I just accepted that they were a normal part of the process. If you feel that you need someone to step in and help, then speak to your midwife or GP. My midwife visited for a month afterwards and although she was lovely, I found the weekly visits really set me back and I asked her to stop. I'd be just about coping and getting through the week and then the MW would arrive and I was back in the middle of it again.

Once again, I am so sorry that you are going through this, but I hope this thread has helped you to feel less alone.

You'll get through this, honestly. Just take it moment by moment right now, and let yourself mourn your darling baby.

I lost my second baby at 27 weeks, and it nearly killed me. I remember sitting on the sofa one morning at 3am and just thinking I can't do this because the pain felt like it was in every cell of my body. And people were well meaning but just didn't understand.

There are a lot of users on MN who've gone through this. It's like you've got lifelong membership to a club that you really never wanted to join but everyone in that club feels exactly the same way that you do. Keep talking, let it out and you'll be listened to

I am so sorry for the unimaginable pain you're suffering 💔 sending you hugs, prayers and strength x

Luca is a beautiful name for an amazing little boy.

I would love to hear more about him if you want to share.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. You will find support on here and via Compassionate Friends
It is horrible and agonising to experience but you are not alone.

Hey mummy, just wanted to say I'm so sorry to hear about your wee boy Luca (awesome name by the way) if it's any comfort at some point you will slowly feel better I promise xxx you won't forget him though and you will always be his mum.
I'm no good with words... but I have been there, October 2020 lost a wee girl Ella-Rose, I am in Nz but I found SANDs very helpful here ❤

I'm so very sorry. My best friend, many years ago, and my niece a year ago, for whom the pain still is just unbearable and she can't talk about it.

thank you for all of your lovely messages they have touched my heart, I know one day I'll be able to function properly without my son physically here with me and the question of why it happened to me I will never know the answer to. My son was beautiful, had lots of dark hair and if I shut my eyes I can still feel him lay on my chest. I kept a teddy that I put in with him and that does give me some form of comfort.

Thank you once again for everyone being so kind x and RIP to all of the beautiful babies taken too soon💔😪

I'm so so sorry for the pain you're going through. I understand it well. My boy was stillborn 12 years ago at full term. My arms in the days and weeks following, physically ached to hold him, it was horrendous. I remember thinking that I'd never, ever laugh again or enjoy life ever again but of course I did. I remember the first time I did laugh, a few weeks after my loss, it really shocked me but helped show me that I was beginning to heal.

A part of me changed forever the day I lost him, not necessarily a bad thing...just that lots of stuff didn't really matter any more. For me, it made me become acutely aware of all the silly things we stress and fuss over in life. Money, possessions, assets - I remember thinking that I'd give everything up and live in a tent somewhere if I could just have my baby back. To this day, I still don't care about those things. I cling on to the things that ARE important to me.

I won't pretend that it was a quick or easy journey, it wasn't. After nearly 2 years to the day of losing him, I gave birth to my DD. Having another child absolutely does not take the pain away. At the time when I lost my son a few people said "you'll go on to have other children", I know they meant well but at the time, my mind wasn't on my future 'other children', I just wanted THIS child.

Now today, I am living a happy, simple life. I still get teary some days but the gut wrenching, physical pain is gone. There will always be sadness for me but I can cope with it and you will too...some day. I will be forever grateful for my DD but she didn't heal the pain of losing my son, time did.

@Olive19741205

I'm so so sorry for the pain you're going through. I understand it well. My boy was stillborn 12 years ago at full term. My arms in the days and weeks following, physically ached to hold him, it was horrendous. I remember thinking that I'd never, ever laugh again or enjoy life ever again but of course I did. I remember the first time I did laugh, a few weeks after my loss, it really shocked me but helped show me that I was beginning to heal.

A part of me changed forever the day I lost him, not necessarily a bad thing...just that lots of stuff didn't really matter any more. For me, it made me become acutely aware of all the silly things we stress and fuss over in life. Money, possessions, assets - I remember thinking that I'd give everything up and live in a tent somewhere if I could just have my baby back. To this day, I still don't care about those things. I cling on to the things that ARE important to me.

I won't pretend that it was a quick or easy journey, it wasn't. After nearly 2 years to the day of losing him, I gave birth to my DD. Having another child absolutely does not take the pain away. At the time when I lost my son a few people said "you'll go on to have other children", I know they meant well but at the time, my mind wasn't on my future 'other children', I just wanted THIS child.

Now today, I am living a happy, simple life. I still get teary some days but the gut wrenching, physical pain is gone. There will always be sadness for me but I can cope with it and you will too...some day. I will be forever grateful for my DD but she didn't heal the pain of losing my son, time did.

So so sorry about your beautiful boy😞 it's nice to hear from someone who has been through the same pain and knowing you're now happy gives me some comfort in knowing one day I won't feel the pain I'm experiencing right now x thank you for your message x