PLEASE HELP. Heartbroken *edited by MNHQ to say that sadly this thread requires a content warning for the loss of a child*

[xaxs]

long story short, I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy just short of 2 weeks ago, who was stillborn, I CAN. not. BREATHE. I feel as though I am suffocating daily, I cry endlessly, i question why me? i just can't believe it, without a doubt THE hardest thing I have ever been through in my life, why is life so cruel? I had everything set to be a mommy to my son and just been snatched away from me.

I can't sleep, when I do I wake up in pain and panicky screaming out loud but with no noise. I shut my eyes and the day replays over and over in my head, I can't find the words to say how it feels.

Worst is no one else has the answers, I feel awful having to tell people what's happened when they message asking how I am as I would've been due anyday now. It's heart wrenching honestly.

I just want to know if anyone else has experienced this (obviously I know I'm not alone I'm still births) but just how they coped with it😣 my sons dad just says he's so sorry and doesn't speak about him or the situation nor was he there at the birth and i suppose part of me resents him for that.

[quote WeyAyeMan]@xaxs

I'm so sorry I don't have any advice, I'm just sending this as another person lying awake in the middle of the night in pain.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Sending you so much love, strength and big hugs x [/quote]
thank you for your message, I hope you are ok too x

@thaegumathteth

Oh you don't have to be strong, really. You just have to be whatever you need to be to get through this and that will change from one second to the next.

It's really hard when you are grieving and want to connect with someone but they're grieving differently. I hope you hear from SANDS soon.

Is there a way you (or someone else) could just let everyone know what's happened so you're not repeating yourself?

I find myself being so angry at my OH as I can't understand how he is the way he is and I'm just this mess I'm becoming, but I do understand people grieve differently I get that, it's just so hard and I don't know how to feel one minute to the next. Just so angry at the world🤯😣

Thank you for ur message x

@thaegumathteth

Oh you don't have to be strong, really. You just have to be whatever you need to be to get through this and that will change from one second to the next.

It's really hard when you are grieving and want to connect with someone but they're grieving differently. I hope you hear from SANDS soon.

Is there a way you (or someone else) could just let everyone know what's happened so you're not repeating yourself?

i have informed most of my close friends now, it's more people who don't speak/see me regularly, and I can't find the words to type out what's happened it's hard.. I am mentally a strong person and I know I have to keep strong for the sake of losing my sanity which obviously I don't want to happen, I know my baby is with me everyday because I don't always feel alone even when I am. I just question why this happened, I'm not a bad person 💔

What a beautiful name Luca is, and what a beautiful child he was, is, and always will be. Of course, you cannot breathe right now. Of course, you are just gutted. Of course, you wake up screaming in your mind...how could you not? And the only thing that can help is time. You will never get "over" this, but someday, with a lot of will on your part, you will get through it...one moment at a time.

At some point, Luca will cease to be a source of agony, although you will always miss him. At some point, he will begin to live in your mind, laughing, smiling, and growing up. You will know this is not real, but you will have a relationship with him. Or at least I did. Some people tried to tell me that this was/is not healthy, but it may be the healthiest thing I have ever done. It let me move forward, to have other children and love them, and the opinions of those who have never faced this counts for less than nothing.

My heart with yours.

@Mamanyt

What a beautiful name Luca is, and what a beautiful child he was, is, and always will be. Of course, you cannot breathe right now. Of course, you are just gutted. Of course, you wake up screaming in your mind...how could you not? And the only thing that can help is time. You will never get "over" this, but someday, with a lot of will on your part, you will get through it...one moment at a time.

At some point, Luca will cease to be a source of agony, although you will always miss him. At some point, he will begin to live in your mind, laughing, smiling, and growing up. You will know this is not real, but you will have a relationship with him. Or at least I did. Some people tried to tell me that this was/is not healthy, but it may be the healthiest thing I have ever done. It let me move forward, to have other children and love them, and the opinions of those who have never faced this counts for less than nothing.

My heart with yours.

thank you so much for a lovely message, I hope I can be as strong as you are.. thinking of you too x ❤️

I am so so sorry. Losing a child...there are no words that can fix this.

I have some professional advice-my mother was an OB nurse with high risk labors who worked with many mums who lost their babies. They'd give sleeping pills (prescription) to allow mums to sleep because your body needs physical healing to deal with the emotional pain. That can seem a small thing but you mentioned lack of the ability to sleep and all things are worse when you are sleep deprived. Your body needs to heal now so your heart can heal later. Can you ask others to feed you nutritious meals? Focusing on basic material needs is the most you need to do now...your brain is working overtime coming to grips with your loss so sleep, one small walk, sunshine and regular meals are small things to focus on. Don't worry about others - have your family deal with friend/coworkers/others. Just focus on small things now.

Peace dear mother-I will be thinking of you

I've said a blessing for Luca and said his name out loud. What a beautiful name.

@Delphinium20

I am so so sorry. Losing a child...there are no words that can fix this.

I have some professional advice-my mother was an OB nurse with high risk labors who worked with many mums who lost their babies. They'd give sleeping pills (prescription) to allow mums to sleep because your body needs physical healing to deal with the emotional pain. That can seem a small thing but you mentioned lack of the ability to sleep and all things are worse when you are sleep deprived. Your body needs to heal now so your heart can heal later. Can you ask others to feed you nutritious meals? Focusing on basic material needs is the most you need to do now...your brain is working overtime coming to grips with your loss so sleep, one small walk, sunshine and regular meals are small things to focus on. Don't worry about others - have your family deal with friend/coworkers/others. Just focus on small things now.

Peace dear mother-I will be thinking of you

I think I might contact my GP and ask for some sleeping tablets as it's not that I'm not tired now because mentally I am exhausted, it's just I literally am crying myself into a sleep and I'm waking up constantly then just finding myself awake for hours I try putting the tv on to focus on and it's like watching a blank screen. I just don't have an appetite I constantly feel like I'm going to be sick like that feeling you get when nervous if that makes sense? I find myself really anxious since Luca was born too about the silliest of things (so it would seem to other people) thank you for your kind words xx

Op I'm so sorry for your loss and have no experience of losing a child. I do know someone who has been through a similar experience and she she wrote a blog to cope with her loss and then published a book. Maybe this could help you begin to process this awful trauma.

www.amazon.co.uk/Ask-Me-His-Name-Learning/dp/1788700341/ref=nodl_

Hopefully the link will work but it is called 'Ask me his name" by Ellie Wright.

@nomorefrogs

Op I'm so sorry for your loss and have no experience of losing a child. I do know someone who has been through a similar experience and she she wrote a blog to cope with her loss and then published a book. Maybe this could help you begin to process this awful trauma.

www.amazon.co.uk/Ask-Me-His-Name-Learning/dp/1788700341/ref=nodl_

Hopefully the link will work but it is called 'Ask me his name" by Ellie Wright.

Thank you I will look into this xx

Luca is a beautiful name and he will be with you forever. I'm not good with words, but you are in my thoughts and I hope you can get done sleep soon, Xxx

@TheLovleyChebbyMcGee

Luca is a beautiful name and he will be with you forever. I'm not good with words, but you are in my thoughts and I hope you can get done sleep soon, Xxx

thank you so much he was beautiful just like his name 😞❤️

I am so sorry this happened. Luca is such a beautiful name. I don’t know how or why life has to be so very difficult. I will pray for you also.

Keep this thread open and post here. There are so many helpful and kind people, especially late at night when you are hurting.

Please take care of yourself and know the pain of your loss will become more manageable over time.

I'm so glad you're going to call and get some sleeping meds. That will help. Ask also about anything else to help with the anxiety. I'm sure it will be short term - but you have just been through so much with giving birth and your loss that it's not weakness to get some managed care to get your over the worst part. Your body still needs post-partum recovery. Take care!

OP sending you a big hug. My friend lost 2 boys in the same way. She had a lot of support from the charity Sands that support parents who have experienced loss of baby.Please reach out to them for some support.

You are enough, just the way you are today. Luca was blessed to have you as his mummy for the short time you shared. He felt your love before, he feels it now and will always feel your love. Luca is a beautiful name, he was a gorgeous little boy and will always be beloved to you.

Time is a healer of all things; and you need to give yourself as much time as you need to grieve for your beautiful boy and to come out the other side of this very difficult time.

Sending you lots of love, warmth and hope that you find comfort in being gentle with yourself x

As someone who has lost a child, I would recommend The Compassionate Friends - they have a website, Facebook page and local support groups. I'm finding my local group a great source of support. Sending love to you from one bereaved mum to another, the pain never goes but it does become less raw and you find a way to grow around it xx

I’ve not been through it myself but my sister’s first born was stillborn. From my experience it’s something that you never get over but you do get used to the pain,. You then go on to enjoy life once more. My sister went on to have two healthy children.

Men cope very differently to women. They bottle it all up and you can think they don’t care but they do..

I’m so very sorry for your loss. RIP baby Luca. 💔

I am so so sorry for your devastating loss.

Sending you hugs and prayers x

I am so sorry for your loss, there are no words. I shall remember Luca tonight before I go to sleep. I hope you find peace.

I've lost a son too, albeit very differently. I feel so deeply for you. You're in my heart

I am so sorry, and am thinking of you and Luca., and praying for you. My baby had two weeks before we lost him, but I couldn't cry, or speak of him. My husband wasn'tbwith me, he never saw him. That was hard for him. This terrible time of grieving and weeping will pass, and you will find a way to live again. He will always seem close to you. What helped me was talking to another mother who had gone through thecsame, we were both able to cry together. Another thing, which seems small but has helped me so much was getting his name engraved on a bangle. I wear it all the time. We have other children, but this one will always stay in my heart. You chose such a beautiful name for your beautiful boy. Sending love and hugs. You don't have to be strong.

I'm so sorry for the loss of little Luca.

I used to rage at the world from my car, or whilst on a dog walk miles from anyone (poor dog). Why my baby? What did I do wrong? It's 3 years since I lost Lily. Now she sleeps tucked inside my heart and tidal waves of grief come only occasionally.

Time is the only thing that can help. The depths you are in now will get easier, I promise. My DH has processed this totally differently. I knew that if we were to stay together, I had to respect that and lean on others. He can talk more about her now but still not much.

Eat nutritiously (others will help), take something to help you sleep and force yourself to walk a bit every day. The emotion will exhaust you.

You will get through this and one day you will see how far you have come because you can post help for another grieving mum x

@xaxs , I understand your heartbreak .
It is there every moment , day and night . Sleep is the only escape from the awful reminder that slaps us round the face every waking moment and takes our breath away - that our beloved baby will not be coming home with us .
From the blissful monent we women discover we are pregnant our whole future lives become reimagined to include our new child , our new family member , a new big love .
Losing this baby leaves a colossal hole in our future ; I can remember thinking repeatedly 'but what will i do now?' . I too found the pain hard to bear and it lasted a long time . I wish i had had the money and time to seek grief-counselling but my life was chaotic at the time and i had no family support .
I just wanted my baby girl back .
I hid away for a while ; i didnt want anyone to see me - it was almost a feeling of shame , somehow .
My friends and acquaintences were kind and comforting , one woman said something hideously crass and upsetting and two women informed me it 'was God's Will'; this last one annoyed me but i was too upset to respond .
I learned who to avoid - those people who could say things that could inadvertently cause another wave of grief when i was trying to cope with the minutiae of family life .
I allowed myself to be sad , and to cry , very privately , very often and it does get better .
I wrapped her tiny body in linen and lace and put her in a beautiful wooden box . And buried her in my orchard with the best view of the mountains .
A drift of snowdrops marks her spot .
I will always miss her , of course , but the terrible pain has faded .
I am so sorry for your loss