PLEASE HELP. Heartbroken *edited by MNHQ to say that sadly this thread requires a content warning for the loss of a child*

[xaxs]

long story short, I gave birth to my beautiful baby boy just short of 2 weeks ago, who was stillborn, I CAN. not. BREATHE. I feel as though I am suffocating daily, I cry endlessly, i question why me? i just can't believe it, without a doubt THE hardest thing I have ever been through in my life, why is life so cruel? I had everything set to be a mommy to my son and just been snatched away from me.

I can't sleep, when I do I wake up in pain and panicky screaming out loud but with no noise. I shut my eyes and the day replays over and over in my head, I can't find the words to say how it feels.

Worst is no one else has the answers, I feel awful having to tell people what's happened when they message asking how I am as I would've been due anyday now. It's heart wrenching honestly.

I just want to know if anyone else has experienced this (obviously I know I'm not alone I'm still births) but just how they coped with it😣 my sons dad just says he's so sorry and doesn't speak about him or the situation nor was he there at the birth and i suppose part of me resents him for that.

So so sorry that Luca didn't get to stay and grow up with you. It's unbearably cruel and it sounds like a totally normal reaction. Feel free to vent and let it out here if you're not ready to do that with family and friends with such a large board there's always someone awake.
Luca is a gorgeous name and I'll be thinking of him and you today. You'll always be Luca's mummy nothing can take that away from you

I'm so sorry darling. No answers but you are in my thoughts💙💙💙and I'm sure your gorgeous Luca will be shining down on you.

Oh OP I really feel for you.
I lost my baby Grace 8 years ago. She was stillborn, at full term.
She died because I had a massive placental abruption.
I never have stopped thinking of her and missing her. But the pain does go away.
I found allowing myself to cry when I wanted and laugh when I wanted helped.
I remember when she was dead, about 4 months later, being in a restaurant with my in-laws and I just suddenly couldn’t take the normality and went into the toilet, shoved my scarf into my mouth and screamed and cried. No-one knew but I took that moment.
I was very ill after the caesarean and blood loss so couldn’t get home for over a week from hospital.
Trying to get into normal life was the hardest. But it’s also a temptation to stay away.
It’s a case of feeling your way through the dark.
My DH was also grieving very differently- he went back to work within days (it was Christmas when she died). I hated him at times.
He found other men talking to him helped.
I found reading “page turners” (grim crime novels) and watching crime documentaries helped because the people were suffering too.
People will say the daftest things out of awkwardness but, even if they can’t have been through it, talk to those who will listen.
I hope baby Luca and baby Grace and the other little babies are somewhere together (I’m no longer religious).
I’m here if you need to talk. Anytime (DM me).
I wish you peace.

So so sorry for your loss.💔

I am so very sorry for the loss of little Luca, my heart goes out to you

Oh bless you Mama. Your lovely boy was so loved and so precious. That won’t ever change and you will get through this awful time one day at a time. Much love to you and I’m so so sorry.

You WILL reach a point where you've not thought about your loss for a minute. Then it will get to five minutes etc. Slowly the hurt you feel will get easier. It won't go but it WILL get easier. Take care. xv

I’m so sorry for your loss of lovely Luca.

My son was stillborn 5.5years ago. I kept a blog, which helped in some way to deal with raw grief and led me to an online babyloss blogging community that I didn’t know existed. I can share my blog if that would help you in any way.

I also had a lot of support from my local Sands group. The early days were so tough. Please take care of yourself.

I am so sorry about the loss of Luca. I have a friend who lost her baby at six weeks. Feeling breathless and in physical pain are normal reactions to such a terrible loss. The saddest thing she said to me was 'the whole world looks like a mum's club and I was nearly a member'.

Don't worry about other people's reaction. Those of us on the outside just want to do what's best for the bereaved person. Just try to take each minute, each hour at a time for the short term.

Sending you all my thoughts at this time.

I’m so sorry OP . How utterly heartbreaking. Please be gentle with yourself.

I am so so sorry your beautiful baby boy was taken from you.

Yesterday marked one year since our little girl was stillborn. In some ways it feels like the longest year of my life, in others the shortest.

Those early weeks and months - where you are now - are so tough. But you will get through it. If you do nothing else some days but breathe, that's ok. It is all so raw for you right now. You are reliving it all like it's happening again and it's awful.

Some practical tips that helped me through this last year...

• Get out of bed, I found staying in bed just made me feel more anxious and sad. Up and go for a walk. Or lie on the couch even.
• get yourself Charlie Macksey's book and follow him on Instagram, I found great healing in it. I've since gotten some prints to hang up around the house.
• I found my first night away from home (it was just to my mum's!) stressful. Now I have a little cloth bag I take with me that contains a little teddy we had for my little girl and a framed pic of her. Now when we go away we feel she comes with us.
• practice "your line"...what you say when you get asked if you have kids, etc, ..mine is " I had a little girl, but we lost her".
• watch your alcohol intake, and who you drink with.
• sadly, you'll lose friends, not because they are bad people but some will just never get it or know how to support you. Surround yourself with those who do understand you and your grief.
• join a support group, those other loss mams will know you better than anyone ever will.

Sending you so much love 💕

Please don’t try to be strong. You’ve lost your son and you’re mourning him. I can’t begin to imagine the pain you’re in and you probably need support from your gp to start with until you find longer term support like counselling and talking with other bereaved families. Pain is so much harder to deal with at night and feels overwhelming. Do you have anything of his that you could hold to give you comfort? Breathing exercises have really helped me in the past with anxiety but please speak with your gp soon. I’m so sorry this has happened to you

Seconding anyone who has recommended SANDS. I'm sure you've seen their site and they really are good to speak with when you feel you can. They have online support, a Helpline, and local support groups.

www.sands.org.uk/

I wish peace of mind and heart to you as you mourn your lovely Luca.

Oh this is so unbearably sad, you're right, life can be very cruel.

You must miss your beautiful Luca so badly. I wish I could say something to comfort you.

xxx

So sorry RIP beautiful Luca💙

Ah, beautiful name! Luca.

I am sure he was an absolutely beautiful boy and he would have grown up a beautiful young man.

There are no words really.

When I was 3, my much awaited and excitedly expected baby brother died stillborn. I don't remember much about it but I know the emotional pain of it is still there and affects me much more than I realise. It has been good to start talking about him recently. I imagine what it would be like now, if I had my bro close in age to me, to hang out with and share life with. I wonder what he would have looked like, in my mind we would have been two peas in a pod and best mates.

It's alright to feel totally broken, its normal and to be expected. Talking about him, remembering him, loving him, all are important. Don't try to "move on" or forget.

These things happen. They could find no real reason why my brother should have died. You might fantasise that you did something to cause it, but while it is OK and common to have that thought, you didn't in reality. Don't punish yourself but love yourself and Luca and always remember him. xx

I am so so sorry
I don’t know what you are going through from personal experience but I did lose a baby at 12 weeks so I can only imagine your pain.
I will tell you though that while you will never get over this you WILL find a way around it. It doesn’t feel like it now but one day the pain will ease a little bit and you will see a way forward but when that will be nobody knows
I don’t pray but I will be thinking about you and your beautiful boy today

first of all im overwhelmed with how lovely everyone who has taken time to reply back to my post, reading that I'm not alone and it's ok to not be strong right now is comforting in some way as I know I don't have to pretend anymore that im coping right now, it is early days and for those few hours I held my beautiful boy I will treasure forever.

I never really understood when people would say how when you have a child you'll experience a love for them like no other and they're so true, it's true the love you have seeing something that has grown inside of you it's crazy!

Thank you so so much for all of the lovely messages❤️💔

I'm taking it day by day and it is without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever been through. I have requested an appointment with my GP to speak about sleeping tablets as people have said being tired also doesn't help the pain and situation sometimes overthinking whilst overtired. I have just been accepted on SANDS to join their online community also so I will be reaching out on there too.

I'm so so sorry to all of you who have posted that you also have experienced the loss of a child and honestly my heart goes out to each and every one of you, it's a pain no ONE should ever have to feel.

Thank you again for all your kind words xxx

I had a full term stillbirth a few years ago. It is so horribly painful, the first few weeks where you are grieving for the child who should be with you. I know it’s trite but it does get easier with the passing of time. I would phone SANDS, all of their people have been through the same thing. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger who has been through it.

I am so sorry for your loss . Sending love and hugs.

SANDs and any other bereavement counselling can help. I think if you'd like to talk to others about this then do so.

I haven't experienced this personally but a close family friend gave birth to stillborn twins many years ago and had 3 healthy children afterwards.

Actually a close ex friend of mine - her DD gave birth at 6 months to a baby girl - she had a 'Cuddle Cot' for her. Devastating.

A friend of a friend also had a stillbirth at almost full time too and went on to have a healthy baby.

@xpxa

first of all im overwhelmed with how lovely everyone who has taken time to reply back to my post, reading that I'm not alone and it's ok to not be strong right now is comforting in some way as I know I don't have to pretend anymore that im coping right now, it is early days and for those few hours I held my beautiful boy I will treasure forever.

I never really understood when people would say how when you have a child you'll experience a love for them like no other and they're so true, it's true the love you have seeing something that has grown inside of you it's crazy!

Thank you so so much for all of the lovely messages❤️💔

I'm taking it day by day and it is without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever been through. I have requested an appointment with my GP to speak about sleeping tablets as people have said being tired also doesn't help the pain and situation sometimes overthinking whilst overtired. I have just been accepted on SANDS to join their online community also so I will be reaching out on there too.

I'm so so sorry to all of you who have posted that you also have experienced the loss of a child and honestly my heart goes out to each and every one of you, it's a pain no ONE should ever have to feel.

Thank you again for all your kind words xxx

@xaxs - for grief - sleeping tablets or anything which helps you get through this (maybe not antidepressants) are a good idea.

Warm baths, camomile tea, hot chocolate are a good idea. Maybe you could have a sort of meditation ritual with the baths etc to remember your son before bedtime?

The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying is a very good book about bereavement.

I'm so very sorry for your loss, OP. Sending love to you and Luca.

Grief is hard work, people say. But it sounds to me like you are also in shock. That can affect us in very physical ways, hardly surprising. Do tell your GP all of your symptoms; she/he may be able to advise about PTSD and trauma responses, etc.

And most of all, be excessively gentle with yourself.

I am so, so sorry for your loss. I lost my first DD ten years ago. It was incredibly painful, just terrible. You will never forget them, but this stage of grief will pass.

One of the most difficult things I found was in my friends/contemporaries reactions to what happened. Many had never experienced loss and found it very difficult to support me/respond so be prepared for some people to 'get it wrong'. I had some wonderful cards and even letters from much older women though (even a couple who hadn't actually met me) which were incredibly kind and wise. I still have them.

Remember you don't have to respond to people right now, or ask someone else to communicate your sad news if that helps (one friend did this for me and it was so helpful).

Right now you need to grieve and rest and be very gentle with yourself. Take care.

I'm so very sorry to read your post and can't imagine the pain you are going through. I don't know if you feel ready for anything like this yet but there is a psychologist in Sussex who offers free monthly zoom support groups for parents who have experienced the loss of a baby. You could have a look at her website when you feel ready-Kara Clinical Psychologist Sussex. You can also read a blog of her own experience amzn.to/34LdJCe

I'm so sorry to hear about your little boy, thinking of you and Luca today

Like others have said just take it minute by minute, talk to people about your son when you feel ready to, you will always be his mummy x