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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Any widows who can offer even a small nugget of hope?

89 replies

DakotaFanny · 17/10/2021 18:29

DH was killed three weeks ago- hit by a car while he was loading his boot. It is quite an outing story locally so I won’t say much more on that other than that due to the circumstances, there are likely to be legal proceedings lasting up to a year.

I am utterly bereft. He was my best friend, an amazing dad to our two teens, an amazing husband. Everything. We had big dreams, exciting plans, a 25 year history and I feel like every single hope I had for the future is gone. I’m only 45. I have never been alone and we were so very together. I feel completely and utterly lost.

I honestly feel that without my two amazing kids I wouldn’t want to go on. I have had incredible support and have been so well loved and looked after by so many people but it all seems so pointless. I honestly just can’t see a future for me because I don’t want one without him.

Please, someone, tell me that this will get better. I have to believe there is hope….

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antoniawhite · 17/10/2021 18:33

I’m so, so sorry. I’m not a widow, so can’t speak from experience, but I have seen people utterly crushed by grief who have managed to rebuild rich, happy lives. I hope someone will be along to speak from experience, but just wanted to convey deepest sympathy.

Lougle · 17/10/2021 18:40

I'm so sorry. You'll have all sorts of emotions to deal with, but in time you might find that it's easier to separate out the sadness from the joy. I hope you have good family support?

DakotaFanny · 17/10/2021 18:41

Amazing support. But not the support I want. He was my cheerleader.

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DivorceAdvicePlease123 · 17/10/2021 18:43

I'm so sorry OP xx

Zebradanio · 17/10/2021 18:50

I'm so sorry. Have you joined widowed and young? They provide peer support for the under 50s. You might find it's helpful to get support from other people in a similar situation. Flowers

DakotaFanny · 17/10/2021 18:52

I’ve registered Zebra, last night, but it takes a week to get in properly….hence coming here instead. I’ve heard great things about WAY but am a little reticent about meeting up with locals etc. Will give it a shot though- I do so desperately want to talk to someone who understands completely.

OP posts:
Lougle · 17/10/2021 18:58

Do you want to tell us (non-identifying stuff) about your DH?

DakotaFanny · 17/10/2021 18:59

He was just a really good man. So good. Funny, warm, selfless, handsome. We were a bit of a sickening couple to be honest- completely besotted still.

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coronafiona · 17/10/2021 19:01

He sounds lovely OP. I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope you find some comfort and peace. I also know of those who have lost loved ones and managed happiness afterward. I'm happy you had a good life together xx

DakotaFanny · 17/10/2021 19:03

I know that I have been so lucky to have had such a great life with him. I also know one day that will bring great comfort. But for now it feels like a cause of all this pain.

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WaterBottle123 · 17/10/2021 19:04

I can give you hope OP. I was widowed in 2014 whilst pregnant with DD2. The first year was hard. We had to rebuild. Reinvent. I was basically fighting for us,

But eventually it got easier. We had all kinds of adventures. I took my girls on holidays alone, learned to drive, got a new job and meant a close group of friends through WAY, it's definitely worth joining,

7 years on now. We have a great life. The girls are happy.

Everything is so raw and awful for you right now. It absolutely will get better. I promise

Lougle · 17/10/2021 19:04

He sounds wonderful. He was your man. I'm so sorry.

WaterBottle123 · 17/10/2021 19:05

We had 14 years to your 25 OP. Now I can feel lucky for them.

Caerus · 17/10/2021 19:06

Im sorry this has happened to you. I have supported a close friend through similar (tho not so sudden) but that’s all the experience I have.. it’s just tragic. On a practical level, google the good grief trust. They run peer to peer support sessions - I think some still virtual if you don’t want to do something locally. Take care. You’ll be ok xx

DakotaFanny · 17/10/2021 19:07

Thank you waterbottle

Holidays are one of the things that are freaking me out. Just can’t picture just the three of us going away. But also desperately want to not feel stuck here.

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DakotaFanny · 17/10/2021 19:09

I feel so scared. My kids won’t be here for too much longer and I can’t see a place for me when they’re gone.

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Nannydoodles · 17/10/2021 19:10

I am so very sorry. I was widowed 11 years ago aged 52 and yes it was horrendous to begin with, I can’t pretend it was easy. Some days I didn’t want to be here and thought about ending it more times than I care to admit, but obviously I’m still here and enjoying life again.
I have grandchildren, a new lovely partner (never in a million years did I see that ever happening!) but I still think about my husband every day and can talk freely about him now without that overwhelming sadness.
I think the most important thing to do for now is to take a day at a time or if that’s too much an hour or two - even till the next meal (you need to eat something).
I also know that my husband loved me dearly, as I’m sure yours did too, and he would want me to be happy again so I feel I’m carrying on for him also.
(hard to explain properly but it helps me feel I still have him with me inside).
You will get through this, life will never be the same again, but it can be good again, just different. Give yourself time and lean on friends, family and accept any help offered.
You are stronger than you think.

ThatsWhatI · 17/10/2021 19:10

Allow yourself to grieve and go through all the ups and downs of the emotions you will experience.

I would try and watch the documentary by Rio Ferdinand 'Being mum and Dad' a year after his loss. It may help you.

You will learn to live again alongside the grief.

Once you're ready take little steps to join new activities like a rambling club, WI, gym classes, pottery.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, it's unfair, shocking and unexpected and will take time to process.

WaterBottle123 · 17/10/2021 19:18

There's no rush re holidays OP. Don't think about the future. Today you only have to do today.

Flyingsouthagain · 17/10/2021 19:45

Firstly can I just say how incredibly sad I feel for you Flowers

15 years ago I was in your shoes. Although I was a couple of years older than you, my DH was also killed in an accident.

At the time it totally floored me. I felt I had lost my closest friend, our shared past and all the exiting plans we had for the future. I really didn’t see the point of carrying on and had many dark nights just wishing I was no longer here.

After the early intense weeks of grief, I realised I had no choice. My DD needed me, I had a house that was half built, a mortgage to pay and a job that I could not afford to lose.

For most of the first few years my grief and the practicalities of daily life consumed me. However over time, the grief started to soften a little and I began to feel more confident in my own shoes.

Early in my loss I was advised to be kind to myself and I followed that mantra. When things felt tough, I treated myself, perhaps just to a bunch of flowers, chocolate, a good film, or a nice supper. When my family or friends were sad I listened, hugged and tried to make them feel as loved as possible. In doing so, of course I was hugged back.

Grief is not a straight line process. It surrounds you like a mist and at times will be more intense and at other times softer. Over time you learn to to lean into and absorb the softer times, and to save your emotional strength for the more intense periods.

15 years on, I have a very different life, but am extremely happy. My DD now has children of her own, I have moved twice, once half way across the country (scary on your own), achieved a great deal more in my career and have a good social life. I have never remarried, although I did once consider it. I travel with girlfriends or a male friend who is in a similar position and feel I am extremely fortunate to be surrounded by so many kind and supportive family members and friends.

I do miss my DH. There is never a day when I don’t think about him, but my grief is much softer now and I know he would be extremely proud of the way I picked up the pieces and carried on. I always feel that I am living for him, but in the process have found happiness in ways I never expected.

You may not feel it now, but things will eventually be calmer and easier to cope with. Right now, just focus on coping with things one step at a time and make sure you reach out and ask for help whenever you need it.

DakotaFanny · 17/10/2021 19:51

Thanks flyingsouthagain - that’s really helpful.

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Evenstar · 17/10/2021 20:15

It will get better, my DH died very suddenly in 2008, I joined WAY and would recommend it. One thing I held onto was something my dear elderly neighbour wrote in a card (she was over 90 and had lost her DH in her sixties) someone had said to her that at first every day will seem black, then some will seem grey, but one day the sun will shine again. She said her dear friend had said “You must believe that” and she said I must believe it too, and though there were many hard times it is true.

I don’t know if you have a faith, but I found the local church were a great support and provided a “safe” place to socialise, through volunteering and a craft club etc.

NailsNeedDoing · 17/10/2021 20:27

I’m nine years down the line from where you are now, your post really reminded me of that feeling of being desperate for something, anything, to hold on to for some hope for the future. That nugget that you’re looking for does exist, it is there, even with all the pain you have to feel.

Flowers
Moonface123 · 17/10/2021 20:31

It does get better.
I found reading widow blogs, forums , and books helped, it made me feel less alone. Self care is critical, l really look after myself now, mentally, physically and emotionally, and l live in gratitude for all that l have, as l know how fragile life is and l am determined to make the most of mine.

DakotaFanny · 17/10/2021 21:46

Thank you all x

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