Any widows who can offer even a small nugget of hope?

[DakotaFanny]

DH was killed three weeks ago- hit by a car while he was loading his boot. It is quite an outing story locally so I won’t say much more on that other than that due to the circumstances, there are likely to be legal proceedings lasting up to a year.

I am utterly bereft. He was my best friend, an amazing dad to our two teens, an amazing husband. Everything. We had big dreams, exciting plans, a 25 year history and I feel like every single hope I had for the future is gone. I’m only 45. I have never been alone and we were so very together. I feel completely and utterly lost.

I honestly feel that without my two amazing kids I wouldn’t want to go on. I have had incredible support and have been so well loved and looked after by so many people but it all seems so pointless. I honestly just can’t see a future for me because I don’t want one without him.

Please, someone, tell me that this will get better. I have to believe there is hope….

I am so very sorry for your sudden loss
Yes, honestly, it will get better, and yes there is hope, but you will probably be in deep shock at this stage and it is very early for you just now. As others say, the first year is difficult.
i understand not wanting to meet people from WAY, but you will probably gain help and comfort in these early days just by being able to read things online and articles that can help - dip in and out when you feel able (with no pressure to meet anyone)
Rest when you can, even if not sleeping you can tell yourself that your body is at least resting even if sleep eludes you. Be mindful if you can to look after your own physical health too, treat yourself kindly. Be mindful that the sudden shock could impact your own health in terms of nutrition and eating as best you can.
In time looking into the future you can begin by building tiny moments of joy into each day and slowly build on that....but now is too soon.
A repetitive exercise class in time, such as swimming might clear the brain, a yoga class stopps your brain whirring whilst you just quietly listen and follow instructions...or another activity that you like.
If the paperwork and admin seems overwhelming, just have a notebook to write it all in list form, and tick off just one or two a day - try not to be overwhelmed, if it is in the book, then you can deal with it in your own time.
Say yes to any invites for coffee/cake/chat with friends - even if you aren’t able to stay for long because it’s all overwhelming.

@HeartbrokenLostMum I'm sorry you are facing this too. It's heartbreaking to read, so I can only imagine how it feels.

Oh Heartbroken, that’s just such a sad story. I’m so sorry.

You have to immediately rid yourself of any guilt though- no way it was your fault. I do understand though- I have played the few days before in my head so many times, thinking about what differences could have changed the whole picture. It’s devastating and even as I’m doing it, I know it’s utterly pointless.

If you don’t mind me asking, how old are you?

Sending big love to you and your boy. I’m so sorry this has happened to you.x

Not me but because I work for the c of e unfortunately meetinv young widows something that occurs through work.

Firstly it's very soon, you are still processing what happened. Secondly because it was sudden and there's ongoing action you may feel in limbo for a long time, it's hard to move forward in any way until any court cases etc are resolved.

You might find local clergy can put you in touch with someone who has been through similar so can provide some support and inspiration I suppose, that there is a future for you - no one can change this most terrible alteration to your life pathway, you are grieving your future as well as him as a person, but talking to people who have gone on to have a life that is different but good can help some people, whether it will help you is for you to decide plus it's probably too soon.

Counselling may also help but it's a very personal thing, not for everyone.

My dh always got up with me and the babies too - it was a team effort. But that does not make it your fault.

I was widowed 6 months ago today. I'm 45. No kids.

And that was to cancer so had had a few months to get head somewhat round things.

The suddenness of yours is much harder on you.

And the fact there may be criminal fault is also harder on you.

My top tips! for you now:

1. See your GP - get anti-depressants/sleeping tablets as its a long haul

2. Say no to doing anything for anyone except yourself and your kids. Play the widow card - it works.

3. The right amount to get done in any day in the first 6 months is absolutely nothing.

4. Always ask for the bereavement team when you phone places.

5. Its fine to be very very angry.

6. The physical exhaustion is a grief thing, took about 3 months to subside.

7. Your concentration goes entirely.

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As it was during Covid, there was no funeral. I had DH direct cremated (his wishes were as little fuss as possible ;) ). His ashes sit in a box on the sofa in his study where he played games. I've kept the door closed so it still smells of him and I go in there and chat to him.

It took me 4 months to be able to look at photos/think of happy times without that horrible feeling, so don't hurry things.

As you mentioned hols I'll say I took my first holiday last week (went on a group activity holiday) and I had a lovely time, was perfect with no down time to dwell on things and so tired out I slept. Went somewhere we'd never been as a couple. So it was different but not bad.

Hugs and look after yourself.

Thanks porites.

The criminal side of it feels like a huge burden, I have to admit. Even after the funeral, the first couple of months, that will be hanging over us for the best part of a year. It feels like there will be no end to the misery until that is sorted. Plus, of course, I am so, so mad at the person who killed him. I am not an angry person really, so I’m struggling with that overwhelming hatred too!

Its fine to be angry, the gods/fate dealt you a very cruel blow. Its unfair and you're right to be pissed off. It isn't a character flaw, just a normal proportional response.

Grief counselling can be useful, as they let you talk about the anger and things that you may not wish to share with family/friends (all the inner stuff that you used to share with your DH until that got taken away!)

The anti-depressants will help tone down the rage slightly if you wish, they take a few weeks to start workign though.

See how you go with WAY, I'm not a Facebook person so didn't get into it. And unlike me you should be near some meetups being in a major city.

One of the road crash victim support charities may have advice on the process and likely timeline for the criminal side. e.g.

www.brake.org.uk/how-we-help/get-help-if-a-crash-victim/information-and-advice-after-road-death-or-serious-injury

Porites…how do you know I’m in a major city? Am I busted?

heartbroken I’ve had a crap day! Just long and tedious and boring. It feels so empty.

My sister in law bought me a book which I think will be really useful- “it’s ok that you’re not ok” by Megan Devine. In the first 20 pages she has managed to voice the utter despair and shock I feel. She had a similar experience herself. X

I went to a bereavement coffee morning at church a couple of weeks ago. I was partially a fraud because I just wanted to get out a toxic environment in the house, but my dad did die within the last year (of old age).

One of the things that I took away from younger widows (a couple from Covid, early on), was that they had no idea how they would feel each morning when they woke up. Some days were fine, others numb, others full on grief.

There is no road map through this. You feel as you feel. But try not to be alone. Even sitting with someone in silence can be a help.

My condolences to you, OP.

OP you have had the most horrific shock anyone can ever have and it will take you time to process it,

However, life will be ok again. I’m a few years down the line. My husband had cancer so I didn’t have a shock when he died. I had processed that before he died.

I can’t pretend it was easy, I think I managed the first 6 months on auto pilot but my life has moved forward

We have sadness and it breaks my heart not to have my DH hear to guide me and for the children not to have their dad. But we are ok, honestly. Our life is generally fine, we smile, we have fun and we’ve had a couple of lovely holidays just us. I’ve a new partner, he doesn’t replace my DH but he has made me smile again and we are all doing ok, more than ok

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, OP. Your husband sounds like a wonderful man and your love for him shines through your words.

I'm three years into widowhood and I'm finding that my grief is softening and getting easier to cope with. The first year was just about surviving for me - I had a young baby and a lot of practical stuff to sort out. People commented on how well I was doing but I was actually an utter mess and only got through life on autopilot.

The grief hit me hard in year two when I had a chance to catch my breath and process things. It was at this point that I decided to have bereavement counselling; I don't think I'd have had the energy to process the trauma of it all before that point.

This third year has been better and I although I still miss my wife desperately I also feel happy again. Those two feelings can sit alongside each other. I've met a new partner, which I wouldn't have anticipated happening, but I was so happy with my wife that it was almost like I couldn't bear not to have that kind of happiness in my life again (if that makes sense?).

Things will get better in time, I promise. You're in the thick of the darkness right now, but there will be happiness again. Your life will grow around the grief. Go easy on yourself and work to your own timetable - there's no roadmap for grief that you can follow. Let yourself be sad and miss your darling husband but, when the time comes, don't feel guilty about laughing and smiling again. One step at a time. You'll get through this xxx

heartbroken you HAVE to reach out to someone who is close by and can come and give you practical help. Are you near your parents? Do you have close friends nearby? Everything you say absolutely resonates with me- I don’t think you are feeling anything I am not, but you have a baby and that is a huge undertaking in itself. Please reach out to someone nearby who can help. I have time where my teens are online, with friends, and I know how important those minutes of silence and contemplation are to me.

To other posters- thank you for your reassurance and positivity. Every day is different and even every hour. Today I have smiled at memories, raged at a photo of us cuddling and completely bloody oblivious to the hideousness just round the corner, cried with my daughter, laughed with his brother, felt sad at an unexpected moment of “I’ll never do that again”….it’s a never ending emotional rollercoaster.

I am grateful for your support and for the teeny little glimmer of hope that the future isn’t completely bleak. Thank you.

Police visit tomorrow, so I will no doubt feel completely devastated again tomorrow!

SanJunipero people keep telling me I’m strong and brave and amazing….I want to punch them and invite them to the 5am pity party!

I’m glad you have found some happiness again.

My husband died last year, and I hear your despair.

Something that I have learned that is crucial to trying to find a way to move on is to abandon guilt. It is a natural emotion when someone dear to you dies - no relationship is perfect and the flaws can become exaggerated in your mind and hard to let go of.

HeartbrokenLostMum - your feelings that you somehow contributed to his death are, as your rational brain knows, not real. He was the victim of an accident.

The guilt aspect was something that I had to get my head round pretty early on, because I made the choice for his treatment to cease and for him to be allowed to leave this life in peace with no further suffering. So I have a logical reason to feely guilty, in spite of knowing it was the right decision.

I was locked in that phase, and it is only now when I have come to terms with this that I am beginning to move on.

What helped me........

• loving family.
• practical help from family with the officialdom and bureaucracy that you have to get through, when you feel least able to deal with it.
• CRUSE - an organisation for those who have been widowed. Someone rang me every week (it was during lockdown) and he helped me so much.
• and when I could not stop weeping in the middle of the night, and was frightened by how out of control I was, I rang the Samaritans and they simply listened and were a fellow human being to lean on. I only rang them 3 or 4 times, but they hit the spot at those low moments and I could not have managed without them.

I am sending a handhold to all who are going through this challenge - it is so hard I know, but somehow we do carry on.

Oh - and how I do identify with people thinking I was being strong - and indeed truly marvelous. People still say how well I am doing. They cannot see into my heart.

I really am so sorry to hear about your hubby. What a tragedy. I can't offer any advice but just wanted to send love and virtual hugs to you and your wee family. Be kind to yourself X

One of the things that is really bothering me is thoughts about work. I know I shouldn’t be thinking about it but I don’t know how to proceed with life and working.

I currently work full time in a job you CANNOT do unless you are moderately ‘well’. It is a forward facing job, all consuming, be on form kind of job. I just cannot picture myself doing it until I feel almost completely better. What do I do?!? They are being incredibly supportive and have rearranged themselves for the eventuality that I may be off for months and that I may want to go part time when I do return, but at the end of the day I have a duty of care and will need to go back.

I just can’t figure out how to do my job when my heart is on the floor, when I have teenagers who need me to be ‘on form’ at home as well and when I have a court case hanging over me. I can’t afford to quit work, and nor do I think it would be good for me to do so, long term.

People keep telling me to stop thinking about work but it’s such a huge part of my life and I feel I need to at least have a plan of action.

How long did other people stay off and how did they change their working lives to fit around their nee normality?

Hi OP

I had 5 months off which was maternity leave. I went back 16 hours, increasing to 4 days 12 months later. I found getting back to work hugely helpful and a major step in my recovery. But I had to accept that I had less energy, worse memory etc.