Any widows who can offer even a small nugget of hope?

[DakotaFanny]

DH was killed three weeks ago- hit by a car while he was loading his boot. It is quite an outing story locally so I won’t say much more on that other than that due to the circumstances, there are likely to be legal proceedings lasting up to a year.

I am utterly bereft. He was my best friend, an amazing dad to our two teens, an amazing husband. Everything. We had big dreams, exciting plans, a 25 year history and I feel like every single hope I had for the future is gone. I’m only 45. I have never been alone and we were so very together. I feel completely and utterly lost.

I honestly feel that without my two amazing kids I wouldn’t want to go on. I have had incredible support and have been so well loved and looked after by so many people but it all seems so pointless. I honestly just can’t see a future for me because I don’t want one without him.

Please, someone, tell me that this will get better. I have to believe there is hope….

I'm so sorry for your loss. My dad died when I was 13 leaving my mum at 40. She took about three months off work and then went back full time. I think she found being at work helped her. She was a teacher who had to be 'on form' as you've mentioned. I think it's probably different for everyone though and you need to look after you and your kids first

Another thing that has helped me is being with others in the same boat. I went for lunch with someone who lost her OH a few months after mine. We do not spend the whole time talking about our sadness, but we can talk about the loss and all it entails openly, knowing that we both understand.

I am so sorry for your devastating loss 💐. My DH passed away 16 months ago (cancer). The first year was a blur. I found much (and still do) with podcasts (greifcast is a good start, many more out there) Instagram - follow 'New Moon Moria' she speaks candidly about young widowhood and as she says 'you are surviving the worst thing possible, be kind on yourself'. Also, if you simply cannot face the day, don't - stay in bed. I also joined a young widows group which has been hugely helpful. Sending hugs.

I am in a state of overwhelming panic tonight. I can’t bear the thought of a life without him. I am absolutely terrified.

Sorry for your loss. i am with WAY. Once you can access the Facebook group you will find all manner of people to talk to at all times of day and night. People with shared experiences and insights on how they are coping.

I have found having a "chat buddy" on messenger has helped. That person that you don't even have to explain anything who just gets it. On the way Facebook group there are sub groups for other topics. There is one for holidays where people post their planned trips and you can book yourself to go with them. I went to centreparcs in October 2018 with 40? Other families for a WAY weekend. Local groups organiser cake mornings, zoom chats, quizzes during lock down.

The very nature of this group also means that there are a diverse group of people with many professions who are usually very happy to help with advise, support or just offer personal experience.

My main bit of advice would be that there are no rules to grief. If you live off cereal for a month, no problem, if you stay in your pajamas no problem. Do not be rushed into making big decisions. I used to allow myself an hour or so for a wallow. I would look at old photos, listen to his music and cry. I would then force myself out of the wallow and get on with chores, looking after the kids. I think it helped me release some of the boiling up grief in an environment that was "safe". Dont get me wrong I still cried in the supermarket, at the school etc but I think it helped. Big hugs xx

@DakotaFanny I'm so sorry you were feeling that way last night; I hope you managed to get some rest. That feeling of terror/panic is utterly normal - horrendous to experience, but normal. I remember feeling that way too in the early days. If you can, take comfort in the knowledge that it won't always feel this way. It's easy to panic about facing 'the future', but right now you only need to take things one day at a time. As you move forward, you'll find ways to cope. I relied on my wife so much - practically, emotionally. She was my best friend and we did everything together. But here I am three years doing OK. That will be you too xxx

Sorry - 'three years later' was what I meant to say.

SanJunipero thank you. It was an awful night and I have woken with a huge ‘hangover’ (no alcohol was consumed in the making of my misery!)

This morning’s panic is about the kids- what if I die?? So many completely irrational thoughts in my head!

Middle of the night panic - Samaritans were my standby. Just helped to stop the thoughts going round and round in my head. Hope it has subsided a little for you this morning.

@DakotaFanny I worried a lot in the early days about that too. It is very, very unlikely that you'll also die young, but maybe it would help to ease your mind a little if you made some plans? I asked some friends to be my son's guardian if I should die, talked to them about finances/ his upbringing, and updated my will to reflect my wishes. I also wrote some letters to my son that he could have in the event of my death. That might not be a useful thing for everyone to do, but for me personally it made me feel like I had a bit of control and made me panic less xxx

@DakotaFanny

My OH died from Cancer in September. It had come quickly. I have 4 sons, 3 young adults and a 14 year old.

The funeral was 2 weeks ago. Everyone tells me I am so strong. The kids motivate me to keep it together mostly.

But inside and when I am alone I am bereft. It is so so hard. The grief has a physical feeling. It is so hard. I feel panic that it will always be like this. I feel overwhelmed by a future like this. I still feel a sense of unbelieving about it all. It is so hard.

I realise I've just derailed your thread. I just came on to say^^ I related to your sense of panic and I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could offer you some more comfort.

And thats the thing I've had so many offers of help. But what can anyone do? My boys need me and some sense of a functioning home. I need to be present for them and their grief . I am doing my best, with low standards. I just want to hibernate really.

Sending you all the best vibes OP. And with the legal hoops you are obviously having to jump through. Good Luck

earlystreelight I’m so sorry to hear your story. I completely hear that physical feeling of grief. Sometimes I worry that the stomach churning and actual heart ache must be so bad for my physical health!

I'm a widow. My wife died of cancer a year ago and I honestly thought I'd go made with overwhelming grief, my days were like trudging through treacle and literally everything I did filled me with anxiety. This despite spending time with close friends and family who were and are wonderful. It was a constant roller coaster of waves of sorrow interspersed with bits of time which were rest periods, or felt a bit more comfortable. Then at about the six month mark I started to get glimpses of optimism and a growing awareness that my life was going to go on into the future. The roller coaster started to flatten out and more hours and then whole days at a time felt ok. Now several days go ok before the grief returns. So you will go on, much as that seems impossible right now. You and your children will go on and live your lives in honour of your lovely husband. I'm so sorry for your sudden tragic loss. So sorry. It's awful. Be kind to yourself and accept the breaks in the cloud whenever they come. Don't feel guilty if you catch yourself enjoying the sunshine or smiling at something. Your DH wants you to smile again.

Physically I had a painful band across my head for months. And felt as if my heart was literally being stretched bigger by pain. It's the hardest biggest pain I've ever felt.

Hi @DakotaFanny, just wanted to check in and see how you're doing? Only reply if it's helpful to you, though; otherwise, just ignore me! xx

You can talk to us anytime OP. If you’re in a panic about the kids if you die, write out a plan. Get a couple of people lined up to agree to have them in that circumstance. Write it down. That might then ease your mind and you can put it away.

Hi all, it was his funeral yesterday. It was, in some ways, a lovely experience although I had been dreading it. The room was full of love for him and I felt very proud to be his wife.

Despite being exhausted I couldn’t get to sleep last night and now find myself wide awake after about four hours sleep. I feel numb. But I knew today would be tricky….

You've done brilliantly to get through the funeral - it's no surprise that you're exhausted. I hope you're managing to get some time to rest / spend time with loved ones / distract yourself today. I remember watching endless reruns of Friends; I don't even like Friends that much, but it was easy to watch and it kept me occupied without any effort.

I'm glad the funeral was positive in some ways, as strange as that sounds. Hold on to that love you felt - those people were all there because of your wonderful husband, but also to support you.

Do keep posting on this thread if it's helpful - there are quite a few young widows here and I certainly found it useful in the early days to hear from others who were a bit further down the road. I couldn't imagine the pain ever feeling less raw, but it does get easier.

Hi OP - I had been dreading the funeral too but it was a lovely, fitting experience for me. I keep going over and over it in my head. The lovely words that were said and the lovely people who were there. I don't want to forget it. I couldn't sleep that night either.

So glad it was a good experience for you too OP.

How are you doing earlystreetlight?

Hi - last week was hard. Felt on the edge the whole time. Just about not crying. All I wanted to do was talk to people who knew and wanted to talk about my OH. I did that. Face timing old friends. And actually felt a lot better for it. This week feels different and more manageable at the moment. Last week physically hurt. I'm surrounded by paperwork right now.

How are you @DakotaFanny ? Any good things happened for you?

I’ve had one day which felt pretty ‘normal’, a couple of tough ones and the rest okay. It’s my mother in laws funeral tomorrow. I don’t think we’ve mourned for her yet and I suspect it will be a painful memory of my husband’s so dreading it!

oh that will be strange and sad.it will be hard to have the capacity to do it all again. And to be in a crowd. I find that hard now.

Good luck Dakota.,

sunglassesonthetable yes to the crowd! I find my ‘happy’ place is sitting in a room in absolute silence now! That’s quite a big change but it seems to be the only way I can recharge.

@DakotaFanny Hope you get the chance to just sit and do this. If you crave doing this, follow it. I hope it's possible for you. I'm up early for getting my youngest out of the door to school in the morning and then I just sit with my dog and think. I have so much to get sorted but I seemed to have slowed to a halt since the funeral.
Hope tomorrow is not too hard.,