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Bereavement

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Original poster

Any widows who can offer even a small nugget of hope?

89 replies

DakotaFanny · 17/10/2021 18:29

DH was killed three weeks ago- hit by a car while he was loading his boot. It is quite an outing story locally so I won’t say much more on that other than that due to the circumstances, there are likely to be legal proceedings lasting up to a year.

I am utterly bereft. He was my best friend, an amazing dad to our two teens, an amazing husband. Everything. We had big dreams, exciting plans, a 25 year history and I feel like every single hope I had for the future is gone. I’m only 45. I have never been alone and we were so very together. I feel completely and utterly lost.

I honestly feel that without my two amazing kids I wouldn’t want to go on. I have had incredible support and have been so well loved and looked after by so many people but it all seems so pointless. I honestly just can’t see a future for me because I don’t want one without him.

Please, someone, tell me that this will get better. I have to believe there is hope….

OP posts:
Original poster
DakotaFanny · 01/11/2021 22:39

SanJunipero thanks for your lovely supportive comments.

OP posts:
Christabellaxx · 01/11/2021 22:51

There is absolutely hope out there . I lost DH almost six years ago , DS only13 and DD 21. It is so hard to deal with all the emotions going around and look after DC and all the mountain of administration that you have to deal with. I found the first couple of years really hard going , but even then I was conscious that was a reflection of how happy we’d been and how lucky I was to have had him at all . During that time there were also many many happy moments - tinged with sadness and often tears that DH wasn’t there to share them . Now we have those special occasions and we are all able to laugh and celebrate about what DH would have said and done and it’s Ok, life is good. Different and not what I would have chosen but life is precious and time spent with DC making new memories a blessing. Hang in there , let yourself be as sad and unhappy as you feel, one day you will wake up and it won’t be your first thought of the day . Wish you all the best and so so sorry for your loss.

Ducksareruiningmypatio · 01/11/2021 23:05

I lost my great love too, it was 15 years ago now, I wasn't going to comment until I saw you say you were the sickening couple! We were too. I promise one day you will realise you're OK, you came out the other side. Forever changed, but somehow strong. You'll look at what you had with a sadness, but oh my god will you cherish and love the amazing memories.
I was bitter for a long time, felt that people that loved so truly and completely should have some sort of life "pass" I was jealous of elderly couples that had each other for so much longer than I had him. (If you haven't already seen it, save Ricky Gervais' Afterlife for another time, maybe years. he captured the jealousy very well and it was a bit shocking to see it portrayed by someone that I don't believe has lived it)
I'm rambling sorry.
I promise, I absolutely promise that although the grief will never leave you completely, it will become easier, and one day it will just be part of you, and you'll be "normal" again.

sunglassesonthetable · 03/11/2021 14:15

@DakotaFanny

Hope the funeral was OK.

Original poster
DakotaFanny · 03/11/2021 14:47

Mum in law’s funeral was nice. I was put in the family car as my husband’s representative, and asked to sit with dad and siblings in the crem. I think this is a real sign of their commitment to me and my kids and I am so glad I have them. I cried absolute buckets! More so than at my husband’s funeral where I very much felt I had to be in control. Every mention of J was tough and I finally felt able to mourn for his mum too. Then I drank far too much alcohol!!’

OP posts:
sunglassesonthetable · 03/11/2021 15:02

@DakotaFanny sounds like a bit of a release for you. Thanks

Lovely of his family too.

Original poster
DakotaFanny · 07/11/2021 09:22

Will my life always feel this quiet??

OP posts:
Ducksareruiningmypatio · 07/11/2021 10:21

@DakotaFanny

Will my life always feel this quiet??
No, the weeks afterwards feel ridiculously quiet as people withdraw. Unfortunately a lot of people see the funeral as closure without thinking that you might still need a lot of support. I actually bought a couple of little caged pets just so I had movement in the house other than my own, it helped a lot but isn't for everyone. Again, I promise it's something that will pass. It's clichéd but when you're feeling a bit less fragile a new hobby can be a lovely distraction. I reconnected with some old friends and got back into boardgames with them, it was comforting being around people from years ago in a weird way
sunglassesonthetable · 08/11/2021 11:41

Hi @DakotaFanny

The quietness is so strange isn't it. So sorry. Sending you good vibes.

I can't believe my OH used to fill up the place with so much noise. I never noticed it when he was here truthfully. But he must have.

Took youngest to a fireworks display last night. He went racing off with friends. I didn't know anyone. So it was very strange. Wouldn't even have been an issue before. Would have got a drink at the bar and who knows maybe OH would have known someone. I was fine. Didn't feel sad just flat and dull.

Seems like the opposite to the hard hurting grief is this flat, quiet dullness.

Hope you're OK OP. Day by day. Thanks

ukulelelady · 14/11/2021 00:21

I'm nearly 10 years on and remember intensely reading other people's stories on WAY to feel less alone in those early days. I was widowed at 33 after 15 years together and with a 4 week old baby. Do what ever you need to do to get yourself through and be kind to yourself. It feels terrifying but but you don't need to worry about most of those things like holidays yet. You will get through this and come out the other side with the grief still there but a lot less raw. Sending lots of strength your way, you'll find it when you need to. xxx

Feellost79 · 26/11/2021 11:21

Hi everyone sorry to butt in I'm only 4wks into this journey but it's so reassuring and comforting to know it gets better. I have joined way and the fb group and some of u might know me from there and it's su ch a good support network too and totally wipes out the stereotype of a widow/widower as there as so many who are so young and til u are in the situation u don't realise or even give it a thought

Hufflepuffthefirst · 07/05/2024 18:55

Hi . I know this is an old post - but wanted to read . My husband died in a skiing accident three months ago. I’m hoping , as I read these posts, that time will make this grief feel less raw. I have never known anything like this sucker punch of grief . I’m trying to stay strong for my kids ( who are young adults and incredible ) but every morning it feels like a kick in the teeth that’s it’s a new day without him . Please say that this rawness fades !

CottonCandyLand · 11/05/2024 03:30

I’m so sorry @Hufflepuffthefirst Do you have support around you?

Hufflepuffthefirst · 11/05/2024 06:51

CottonCandyLand · 11/05/2024 03:30

I’m so sorry @Hufflepuffthefirst Do you have support around you?

Thank you for replying . We have a lovely circle of friends - separate and mutual - and I’m taking particular comfort from dh’s mates from his work who feel like a little army of protection for me and the kids . I’ve been trying to fill time and am back at work but think I have pushed myself too hard to try to feel strong so am feeling pretty burnt out at the moment

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