My mum has died suddenly

[kittlesticks]

My wonderful mum has died suddenly - I'm not sure of the exact details yet - she was 68, a wonderful mum, wife and grandma to three grandchildren aged 1 to 6.
I will miss her until the end of time. I loved her immeasurably.

@kittlesticks

Today I have this massive twilight zone feeling. I'm my house I can shut the door and sort of believe mum is fine and at home. Is that... normal? I also keep playing out scenarios in my head where somehow this issue was identified (even tho it was symptomless) and fixed earlier. Or where she just felt unwell and went to the drs and it was discovered. Is this 'bargaining?' As per the stages of grief?

Yes I think it is. I'm still getting this now. It still feels like she's just popped out and will be back later. It's such an odd feeling.

Hello kittlesticks, I've come over from the thread for those who've lost a parent. My heart aches for you. Yes, I think it's totally par for the course to have that feeling that your mum is at home and an alternative 'normal' life is all happening somewhere. I feel that all the time, largely because I live a fair distance from where my mum was (although I spent a large amount of time with her), so that was the usual state of affairs anyway.

And yes...I recognise the 'alternative scenarios' too. An infinitesimally tiny part of me somewhere almost believes that it can all be re-run somehow and it will come out right - even though, logically, I know it can't. I suspect our brains have to go through these stages, to let us eventually start to make sense of our loss.

How are you doing OP? I'm so sorry to hear of your loss - my dad died very suddenly in April and I'm only starting to feel human again. I hope you have a good support network x

Hi @DiscoStusMoonboots @Brillig and @bunburyscucumbersandwich thank you so much for your kindness and consolation.
I sometimes get a stronger moment and I wonder if that's her influence in me, she was so strong. She always said 'come along, this isn't how I brought you up!'
I do have a good support network but of course it's lost its centre - my little daughter (not yet 2) was recently hospitalised and omg my mum was a complete rock. She's now well, but I wonder how on earth will I cope with life's twists and worrying turns without her calm messages, her voice on the phone. God I loved her.

I'm here x

@gerbilfur thank you.
Having a little sob now the kids are in bed.
She loved them so much now they don't get to have her in their lives.

Ah, that's another level of loss. The future has changed and not just for you. Hugs x

So sorry to hear of your loss. It is so hard - but your mum brought you up to be strong, you will keep being a good mum and keep her memory alive. Alternative scenarios - yes, sounds like me. Also wondering about the what ifs.

I lost all my grandparents by the age of 6, but as a family we talked about them a lot, so I feel very connected. I've applied that thinking in my own family: because I lost my grandparents so young, I had an aunt and uncle I was particularly close to and my children were close to your in age when my aunt died. I think she is still a real person to them, as is my uncle who died a bit later because we still talk about them a lot, remember that they gave us particular toys, etc. I lost my mum last year - writing that still brings tears to my eyes, but I still try to talk about her a lot to the kids so she stays a real person to them. And pictures and videos so they remember that she played so much with them and was such good company.

It is hard and its horrible to lose someone like your mum. I liked the image of grief as a button in a box with a ball in it - over time to ball gets smaller and hits the button less often, but that pain doesn't go away entirely, it just gets prompted less often.

I hope you have a good support network round you and are finding ways to be kind to yourself.

OP, my dad died in February and why I won't pretend I suffered in the same way you are now (we weren't very close) I know the feeling of emptiness, of all the things they should see and should be here for. The loss is traumatic and painful and I know that gnawing and panicked feeling, it feels almost like you might die with them. Take each minute as it comes, I lost a grandmother in 2020 who was as loved as a mum to me, and I'm still taking life minute by minute. It's agonising, I do truly get it. Wishing you peace xx

Thank you all.
You're all so kind and thanks for sharing your losses.
Occasionally while I'm just getting on with stuff (dressing the toddler etc, life goes on) I think 'how am I doing this?' But I am. I also haven't cried yet today which is a first since it happened.
I'm trying to find strength in everything we shared - the huge love between us.

It's odd isn't, how much we go on auto pilot? I think it's a bit like a coping mechanism, our brains way of protecting us maybe?

The first day I didn't cry, when I realised I felt so guilty, but I know my mum wouldn't want me to cry, but I just can't help it.

She would say 'you're doing it because you have to.' I think

I'm having a bad moment and I don't think I'm coping. Part of me still doesn't believe this has happened. I feel like this isn't my life anymore and like I'm an actor in my life.

I'm so sorry for your loss op

The "feeling like an actor in your life" is classic shock I think. I remember feeling exactly like that after my father died. As a previous poster said, the period between a loved one's death and their funeral is very difficult.

Sorry if I have missed this, do you have a partner or anyone at home with you op? Any close friends around? You might need a day or two curled up drinking tea and eating a bit of toast. It's hard on you if there is no one to help with the DC though. Take it very steady

Hugs
One day at a time. Be kind to yourself.

I know, @kittlesticks, I know. It’s so hard and so very strange. It took me a long, long time - months, I think - to realise that my dear mum had truly gone. I still don’t quite believe it even now.

Can you talk to anyone? I had a couple of friends who very kindly let me cry at length on the phone. It helped to talk about Mum, that’s what I really wanted to do at that early stage.

for you

I'm so sorry to read about the loss of your Mom! I hope you and your Father find some peace and serenity.

Thanks for all the kind messages. I'm having a bad morning where the grief of losing her is like a physical thing - it's like a pain, and only having a big sob sends it away. I'm most likely traumatising my poor children. I'm alone today.

With my two children obviously

Crying is very therapeutic but yes, possibly not great for your kids to see you so upset.
Keep busy doing nice things with your kids - something not too demanding on you.
What do they enjoy doing?

They are basically babies so we've got all the brio out now and they've been doing that.

My DD is a bit older and I think the Brio is one of the toys I couldn't bring myself to part with, it's up in the loft somewhere.
She was very partial to playing with things like water trays and sand pits.
Are you able to get outside and maybe go for a walk at some point?

The love you had for her, and she had for you and your family, is tangible in your posts. It sounds like you had a wonderful relationship.

I haven’t lost a parent, but a live-in Grandparent last year. The feelings that she has popped out to the shop are a normal part of the denial/ bargaining grief stage. Even now, I half expect to walk in to see my DGM in her chair in the living room, or tucked up in her bedroom in the evening.

One thing I wanted to say, is that your dear Mum is threaded through all that you are and all that you do. In that sense, she will never be truly ‘gone’. You will go through life with her voice and wisdom continually in your thoughts. We had a family dilemma last night and simultaneously two of us came out with the phrase our DM/ DGM would have in the circumstances. They are us, and we are them.

So sorry OP.

Sending you a virtual handhold.

I don't really know what to say. I don't really know if this is any consolation but (other than anything happening to your kids, god forbid), this is about the worst thing you could go through. The death of a parent is huge. Go easy on yourself.

As your mum would say, you are managing because you have to. You're getting through it, and eventually, it'll start getting easier.

When you are going through Hell, keep going.

It's very early days. You will be crying every day. Just keep going

Thank you for all your kind words. I agree @yourestandingonmyneck (great name!) the only thing worse I think would be losing DH or one of the children of course.
I sort of want to fast forward time so I will feel more myself which everyone has said only time will do.