my mum is dying - am kind of freaked out by how 'well' I am dealing with

[geekgirl]

my mum (58) was diagnosed with ovarian cancer earlier this year - unfortunately the cancer never really responded to the chemo (although we always hoped it was - unfortunately it just wasn't to be ).

We went to stay with my parents at half-term which was very nice - unfortunately she was admitted to hospital just after we left with what appears to be a complete intestinal blockage and what appears to be multiple organ failure

They have stopped intravenous nutrition and are only giving her pain meds and fluids now - it's supposedly just a matter of days now (she is extremely underweight - just skin & bones).

I had a cry when dh told me last night (my db had rung and told him about them stopping intravenous nutrition whilst I was out) but since then it's been ok. Life just goes on. Dd1's at home with a flu bug, I had an appt with dd2's Senco, oh, and my mum is dying. That's how it feels IYSWIM. I spoke to her on the phone this afternoon - apart from her slurred speech it all seemed so normal.

I'm flying over to see her on Friday, I guess it'll be a tough weekend. Is it going to hit me really horribly at some point? Or am I made of ice?
I love my mum so much, we have a great relationship and talk at least once a day on the phone. She is my best friend and absolutely adores my kids. Life without her seems totally unimagineable really.

Oh you poor thing.
I would hazard a guess that it has just not sunk in yet.

So sorry to hear this geekgirl, I can't imagine having to deal with this. I would think that you're possibly just a bit numb at the moment? The enormity of this situation will probably take a while to sink in but I think this is completely normal. I would just say keep talking about it as much as possible in the meantime.

Again, I'm so sorry. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

I imagine it all seems pretty sureal to you at the moment. You are no made of ice, you are loving and caring daughter. Maybe what you are experiencing at the moment is your bodies way of dealing with it.

I am wishing you lots of strength, lots of love and the most peaceful passing for your lovely mum. Thinking of you xxx

I just feel really horribly callous that I can discuss my mum's funeral arrangements with my db without shedding a tear

sometimes it feels like this isn't really my life, IYKWIM. Just some parallel reality.

Oh you poor dear girl. I think you are blocking it at the moment as a self defence mechanism. You are certainly not made of ice, but are doing what you have to to get through the day, partly in shock I would say too. Even when you have a bit of time to prepare for these things it is still a terrible shock to hear the finality of it.
You are also overseas at the moment so will feel further away from it iYSWIM. Please don't analyse how you are feeling. You are coping at the moment, because you have to as you have dc's to care for. Take care and keep posting. I am so very sorry .
Someone with proper experience will be along soon I know.

I'm so sorry to hear this geekgirl. I sort of know where you're coming from, as my mother has lung cancer and seems to be entering the final stages now (although she is not yet as ill as your mother). I too have been rather surprised, in a detached way, to realise that I can walk around and live my life without constantly sobbing over people.

I think it is probably a fairly normal emotional response to great stress, or the anticipation of a very distressing event - the calm before the storm, maybe. Of course you're not made of ice.

It must be difficult for you to have to travel so far to see her. Can you arrange to spend some more time with her? Can DP take compassionate leave to look after the kids?

I don't think it is unusual to deal with funeral arrangements in a detached way. It is the way you are managing to cope with it that is all, on automatice pilot. Wishing you continued strength.

it hasn't actually happened yet, and would imagine that it will hit you when it does. so sorry for you

You're not callous, GG.
You're just dealing with it the best you can for now.
I agree that it's probably a defence mechanism.
Thinking of you all.

I think your in shock it's a lot to take in and we all respond in different ways. At some point you will break but probably after it's all over iykwim.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family - take care

My wonderful mum was diagnosed with cancer in August. One of the biggest shocks to me was that the world didn't stop and normal life did continue! And thank goodness it did because I feel it was the only thing that kept me sane. I took great comfort in just doing normal day to day stuff and sometimes being with people that weren't involved and who weren't being extra nice to me.
It's only now, a few months later, that I'm thinking 'blimey! that was horrendous'. My own way of coping it seems was to carry on pretty much as normal with the odd half hour of sobbing (I found solitary car journeys the usual place). Before something like this happens, you can only imagine it and you tend to think 'I wouldn't be able to cope etc' but you do!
So, I don't think you're being cold. It's just the way you're dealing with it right now. I wish you and your mum all the best.
(My mum, by the way, had a big op after which she found out that it hadn't spread and she's recently had the all clear. Sorry, that bit wont help at all, but I wanted to add that - sometimes there is a good outcome with cancer).

Hi gg. Dh lost his mum three years ago to lung cancer. She also had brain tumours. It was a very scary time for dh but we all carried on as normal, going to work etc. When she went into hospital fil called us and we went up there. She was on morphine and drifting in and out of sleep. Friends came in and sat with her and then they left and it was just me, dh and fil. Eventually the nurse came in and told us it wouldnt be long so we all sat with her and held her hand and she peacefully slipped away. After that it was like a huge release because we all just cried and cried.
Just make sure you keep talking to your dh, and I agree, it doesn't feel real at the time. Stay strong.

Sorry to hear this gg

I think it may hit you later - maybe even months down the line. Something usually quite banal can trigger it off.

Then again, it may not. But we are all different so dont be hard on yourself if you dont collapse in heaps of tears.
It doesnt mean you dont love or care for your mum at all.

Agree with the others, you're keeping going on a mix of adrenaline, denial and survialism atm. It will hit you, but but its inmpossible to know when- it might be today, it might be when she apsses, or even a few days after.

Is she receiving hospice care? They usually ahve access to poele who could talk to you about this.

Oh goodness. Of course you are not made of ice but you have responsibilities and you can't just fall apart at the seams.

My Nan was dying when I was pregnant and actually died 10 days before the baby came. I wasn't allowed to travel to see her and I last spoke to her 2-3 days before she died. I couldn't really understand a word she was saying tbh but it was still nice to have contact.

I came back to 5 messages so I knew had probably died while I was at the park with the children but it wasn't until the hospice lady rang back and asked me if I was alone that I broke down. It has been over 2 years now and I still can't get my head around the fact that she is actually dead.

My advice to you would be to cope the way that suits you and not worry about what you should be doing.

I wish you all the best.

Really feel for you. My Dad has been living with cancer for three years now. They are just managing his cancer, meaning he only gets about three months a year without chemo, am just dreading it when it comes to that point that you are at, when the treatment stops working altogether. Feels like I have been on a roller coaster for years. some days I can be really positive, the next I just can't think of anything else. It sounds as if you have the kind of strength that we all hope we will have if we are in that situation. As I am typing this tears are fighting to come out, but I figure that there is a time for grieving, and that doesn't have to be while they are still with us, plenty of time afterwards.

Geekgirl I am so sorry to hear this
Wishing you love, strength and whatever else you need right now x

Hi, really really sorry geekgirl. Don't worry about your reaction, it's a completely normal way of coping.

My dad died of leukaemia last year while I was 16 weeks pregnant and I worried about the fact that I was getting on with things and coping, but tbh was in a position where I just had to deal with things. The grief came out (and still does) in moments, rather than all the time; crying after I'd gone to bed in the evening, or for half an hour when something unexpected set it off. I spoke to a counsellor about it and she was very good, she helped me see it as a strength and a blessing to be able to manage the grief in chunks rather than all at once. And that's how Dad would have wanted me to handle it.

We all grieve in our own ways, the important thing is to give yourself the space to find yours. Best wishes to you and your family as you get through this together.

I'm so very sorry. She sounds like a lovely woman and a great mum. I hope she has a peaceful last few days.

Hi gg, based on my own experiences, this is all quite normal. I held the entire family together when my father was dying of lung cancer. I organised everything, held everyone's hands, moved him round the house and found him a hospice place.

I was even calm and collected at the moment he died, rang for the nurse, felt for his pulse. Within a few days, this colossal loss in my life hit me really hard and I became particularly bitter that the rest of the family were unable to offer me the support that I'd been giving them for months. They all moved on post-death much quicker than I did. They'd just grieved earlier.

So if it does affect you later, make sure you explain how you feel and get your share of the hugs.

Wishing your mum peace and love to you all.

So very sorry Geekgirl, really hope she is peaceful and not in pain.

I can identify with what you say quite strongly, sorry if this is long; my Mum died in 03 of bowel cancer and I was so strong through it all, really didn't shed a tear and I felt terribly guilty because of that.

I think it was because I was very busy with the children and trying to help out a lot. She was a way away from me and it was a 4 hour drive every time I went down to see her.

The last week or so seemed very surreal now looking back and I didn't really feel as if I was there IYSWIM. Managed to get to Exeter in 2.5 hours though on D-Day bit stupid tbh....

All I can say is, it will hit you but don't be worried if you don't grieve when you think you will, I found it hard to cry at the funeral and am sure everyone thought I was a cold hearted cow, but I'm not. I feel very strongly that I was the one who was looking after everyone else so it didn't hit me until much later on.

It wasn't until this year when I finally sobbed about it, I'd shed the odd tear before and felt sad at relevant times but could never understand why I hadn't been 'sadder' or 'normal'.

I finally broke down when driving back from Sainsbury's on a normal Tuesday afternoon and a certain song came on the radio - had to pull over for about half an hour and didn't stop crying for about a week . I can't explain why it hit me then but don't be surprised or concerned about whatever reactions you have; 'tis a very funny (peculiar) thing grief.

Wishing you and your lovely Mum all the strength over the next few weeks/ months and am very sad for you.

sorry to hear about your mum, we all deal with stuff in different ways you might well be in shock and running on auto pilot for now.

Geekgril - My thought are with you right now. I lost my Mum in the summer , went down hill rapidly about a week after having mmajor surgery for a bowel blockage.

I live 200 miles away and a had a phone call from my sister on a Thursday afternoon saying that Mum had only a day or two left .

Myslef and my other siblings hurtled down the motorway that night and she passed away the following evening > we were all with her.

Take comfort that you have been able to talk with her.

It is a very strange experince and very surreal . We all deal with things like this differntly and there is nothing wrong with feeling detached.

I still can't belive that Mum is gone, howver I have found comfort in friends and people who I never realised had lost their Mum. It is something we will never get over but we have an understding about each others loss.

I'm so sorry .

Oh geekgirl I am so sorry to hear this. My own Mum died of Ovarian cancer in 04 and the way the disease has developed with your Mum sounds very familiar
I remember being told that my Mum had a few days left and rushing to be with her at the hospital and like you I fond myself feeling quite normal - especially as we had lived with the diagnosis and treatments for two years. I too remember speaking to her on the phone the day before she died and feeling quite surreal - why wasn't I more upset , my Mum was dying ffs.
It is a protective mechanism and it will hit you at some point. You are not made of ice , you are protecting yourself .
I am so sorry you are going through this and my thoughts are with you.