my mum is dying - am kind of freaked out by how 'well' I am dealing with

[geekgirl]

my mum (58) was diagnosed with ovarian cancer earlier this year - unfortunately the cancer never really responded to the chemo (although we always hoped it was - unfortunately it just wasn't to be ).

We went to stay with my parents at half-term which was very nice - unfortunately she was admitted to hospital just after we left with what appears to be a complete intestinal blockage and what appears to be multiple organ failure

They have stopped intravenous nutrition and are only giving her pain meds and fluids now - it's supposedly just a matter of days now (she is extremely underweight - just skin & bones).

I had a cry when dh told me last night (my db had rung and told him about them stopping intravenous nutrition whilst I was out) but since then it's been ok. Life just goes on. Dd1's at home with a flu bug, I had an appt with dd2's Senco, oh, and my mum is dying. That's how it feels IYSWIM. I spoke to her on the phone this afternoon - apart from her slurred speech it all seemed so normal.

I'm flying over to see her on Friday, I guess it'll be a tough weekend. Is it going to hit me really horribly at some point? Or am I made of ice?
I love my mum so much, we have a great relationship and talk at least once a day on the phone. She is my best friend and absolutely adores my kids. Life without her seems totally unimagineable really.

geekgirl - I am so sorry to read this. I think it is entirely normal (whatever that is) to deal with it like this and to feel that you should be grieving/upset more. You have kids who need you and stop you dwelling on what is happening. I think your emotions are on hold as a coping mechanism. It's a from of denial in order to keep functioning.

My mum died in May this year, suddenly and unexpectedly. After the initial shock of the first few days, I felt "normal". And was really quite disturbed by it. I didn't want to feel "normal". I don't now though. I feel very very sad and very very weepy quite often nowadays.

I think you deal with how you deal with it, if that doesn't sound too trite. It doesn't mean you're made if ice. I hope you can enjoy (wrong word?) the last period with your mum.

geekgirl - i am so so so sorry. I wish I could have been mor supportive. I tried to find you a while ago and have not been on mn for a while.

I really feel for you. as you know my mum had ovarian cancer too and passed away under almost the same circumstances.

When mum passed away I drove from plym to London and did not shed a tear. I did not cry for weeks. It is perfectly normal.

If you want to talk, now or at any time you can email/call me as I am not always on line. I can post my email and will give you my mob as my internet is off tomorrow for a while but I am about. Up to you.

My thoughts are with you and with your mum, and your family.

GG - it is worth saying, perhaps not for now, but for later...It has not been quite a year yet. I have still not grieved, not really. And I feel guilty about that...or did. I have suffered from insomnia - apparantly I have something called Delayed Adjustment Reaction - ie my body is trying cope with a pile of stuff - but I still dont really feel it. Went to visit Glastonbury last week where her ashes were scattered, and was disappointed that I could not feel anything more than I would usually when there.

I think what I am trying to say is what others have said. You will grieve in your own way, when your body and your mind is ready and able to. You cannot possibly know how you are going to manage the next few months. Just dont try. Just take it a day at a time. Your family will help you, your children will pull you through. My DD was my rock, and still is.

Its a tough time. Dont be hard on yourself.
Sorry thats a long pile of waffle, just want you to know there are no rules and you might need to be prepared in a few months instead of now.
xx

Sorry about your mum.

My mum died from advanced breast cancer 3 years ago. She had only just been diagnosed, but we knew that her prognosis wasn't good - basically we were looking at treatment that would buy her more time. Her cancer had spread to the bones and her liver.

Unfortunately, after her first chemo session she contracted a major infection and died within a week. So although we knew she was going to die, we weren't expecting her to die so soon.

I was very close to her, and we spoke on the phone every day (I live 200 miles away).

I was really surprised at how detached I was. Yes, there were tears at the time, but I was so composed and - as you say, felt quite icy and cold compared with others.

I had always imagined I would be devastated when she died that I couldn't understand why I was like this. I went to my GP and had a counselling session where the counsellor basically gave me permission to feel this way. We talked about the relationship that I had with my mother, and she said that we clearly had a very good relationship, with nothing left unsaid and nothing to resolve - and that perhaps over the 5 years that she had been ill I had psychologically been adjusting myself to this outcome.

I was always worried that suddenly I would break down, and that it would affect my later, mental health. So far, nothing has changed.

It doesn't mean that I don't miss her, and that I don't think about her - but I think it's all about control for me. I don't think my internal self can let me let go, if you see what I mean. I think of it like having a big balloon, and holding it so that you occasionally let a bit of air out - I'm very gradually letting my grief go, bit by bit.

No idea if this is mad or not, but hope it helps you in some way!

We all grieve differently and there is no right or wrong way to do it.

geekgirl

so so sorry to read your posting. My mum died 7 1/2 years ago from ovarian cancer she was only 55. so I can only empathsise (spelling) with what you are going through at the moment.

just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you

BecauseImWorthIT - spot on. Thats how I would describe it, just sometimes dont let enough go, give myself enough time, and its not mad.

gg im sorry you are not feeling as you expected, it doesnt make you a bad person it is how you are protecting yourself and the ppl around you.

Becauseimworth it - that is one of the most eloquent posts I have ever read - you have put things into perspective for me too - sounds like a very effective counselling session that you had.

thank you all for your lovely messages - pavlov, are you still around? please get in touch - eva76 @ yahoo dot co dot uk .

I'm at my parents' house and spent all afternoon with my mum in the hospital. she is throwing up all the time because her intestines are working 'backwards' as it were, whatever she drinks comes back again. it's absolutely horrendous to see, what a fucking awful disease
it's as bad as I'd feared all along, I remember when she was diagnosed at first I fell to bits and went to see my GP crying about the horrible way she'd have to go - he told me that the sickness and pain could be controlled and it wouldn't be like this. Well, it bloody is. (although they have done a good job with pain control, thank goodness)

we've been discussing funeral plans - she wants 'wonderful world' to be played It was all so bloomin' grim but lovely to see her and to chat.

She is still having intravenous nutrition - the doctor on the ward said that she could last for a few weeks on it.

I'm sleeping in the bed in her dressing room - I am surrounded by all her things, the thought of her never actually ever returning to the house, nevermind wearing her clothes is just so tragic.

In her wardrobe I found some of those mini dinosaur excavation kits - she got them to do together with dd1

fuck geekgirl i'm so sorry.

words are banal and come out wrong in the face of what you are with but fwiw, i don't believe that any emotions are 'inappropriate' in the face of death. nothing is wrong. it just is whatever it is.

courage.

our thoughts and prayers are with you. it'll probably hit you this time next year when things have settled down. {{{hugs and tissues for you}}}}}

My thoughts are with you too Geekgirl. I lost my own darling Mum nearly 5 years ago from advanced breast cancer-such a long way away from me, she lived in Australia, but I got there for her last 5 weeks and nursed her.
I had to be strong-she described me as a pillar of strength-and it was good ,I felt ,to be able to talk to her about her funeral, and after. Bless, her , she knew my Dad would remarry(he has-this year). I didn't break down and cry 'til the graveside-sat there smiling like a Cheshire Cat all thru her funeral(if you smile, you can't cry)but I have cried a river since.
You will grieve when you have time-don't worry if you think feel nothing now. You do. I wish and hope for a good death for your Mum and you and your family.

thanks all so much for your lovely messages - just a quick update as Wisteria has been asking (thanks ) - it's all quite stable really and pretty much unchanged at the moment. I think she is getting slightly weaker each day, she often drifts off to sleep for a short while mid-conversation.
We've been talking lots, unfortunately my not so dear brother is proving to be a real t*sser - he actually had the cheek to have a big tantrum over the fact that my parents want to leave all their assets to my dd2. Dd2 has DS and in 20 years time will never be in a position where she earns any kind of half-decent wage through absolutely not fault of her own.
We're not talking piles of cash, just enough to buy a share of a house together with other young people with learning disabilities, which is what my parents have always envisaged they would do for her.

So tomorrow they're having a solicitor friend come into the hospital to draw up a very clear will, but they are both completely, utterly gutted by my bro's behaviour - as was I - I wouldn't have expected this in a million years - he has no dependents and a very well-paid job, as has his wife, and I never had him down as the grabby type. My poor mum really didn't need this. Thankfully he went home straight after that argument so at least we don't have to deal with him right now.

Hi geekgirl, I'm really sorry to hear about your mum, and I agree with everyone who says you're obviously not callous at all but coping by using auto pilot while you need to stay strong for her.

Let's hope your brother reacted that way because he is reacting to his own grief and needed to lash out, I've seen this before in those nursing someone with a terminal illness, you might find he will apologise later on if the tantrum was out of character.

I wish you strength for the days to come and some more time to cherish with your mum.

Geekgirl I'm so sorry. Grief makes people behave in strange ways, sorry your brother is making things harder. Thinking of you.

GG - I'm sorry you have to deal with that as well but as others have said he is probably not acting rationally at the moment and will no doubt calm down and feel terrible for it later on.

I remember my Mum having the most fabulous morphine induced hallucinations (or were they???) and at one point she had lots of children round the bed and 2 black labradors! She was laughing at them and it was lovely to see her smile. I like to think it was our old dogs coming to welcome her and children wanting her to go and teach them.........

LOL Wisteria

my mum was a teacher too.

Well, I did end up coming back home yesterday evening. Dh offered to take 4 weeks off work, but it's just not as easy as that - he's an IT contractor so no work means no money, plus he does really struggle to cope with the children and the house - the house is a bombsite and the children were late for school on both days that he was doing the school runs [sigh]. He always sounded totally overwhelmed in the mornings even though I had written him a detailed timetable and prepared everything that could be prepared.

My mum could live for a few weeks like this from what the doctor said. She wants to discussing 'speeding it up' with the doctor. (they could stop the IV nutrition and then it really would be just a few days)

I hope she reconsiders.

We have talked about so, so much - but I think there is still so much to talk about. I am planning on going over again next week [heart sinking at the thought of dh barely muddling through again ].

so sorry geekgrrl. and all the other people on this thread. wishing you & your mum strength over the next few weeks.

GG - my heart goes out to you. Keep up the talking - ask all the questions you always wanted to, find out as much as you can about her family and your childhood. Don't come out of this with any regrets. Both my parents are dead - my mother from cancer, my father very suddenly - and there are so many things I wish we'd said, or that I should have apologised for.
If your DH can take some time off (also have an IT contractor DH so I understand the problems) then take him up on it - if the kids are late for school and the house looks like a tip that doesn't matter.

I have only read the op, so I'm sorry if I appear to be ignoring the rest.

I really feel for you, especially as I know that one day [sooner rather than later I'm afraid] I will be in your position.

It is right now that something like mn as well as your friends and family are so important. You are not made of ice, life has to go on, no matter how at odds with the situation it seems.

I wish you and all your loved ones all the best.

Hi geekgirl

My mum died sixteen years ago aged 50 of cancer, before I married or had kids. The doc said she'd be back at work in six weeks and she died in 3 (she was also a teacher - I think all those kids wear them out!)

Just to say I know what you mean about talking and talking but still having so much to say. I had three weeks nursing my mum (we were going to take it in turns but I was the only one that got a turn) but I wish I'd asked her more about how she felt as a mum, what her courtship with dad was really like, got all the family tree sorted (my grandpa lost his sight soon after and now noone knows who is who on all those old family pics). I wish I'd asked her to write letters to her grandchildren for their big birthdays or wedding days, and to write down in her words what I was like when I was a baby/child/teenager (dads just don't remember the same way).

I didn't really think of these things and couldn't have said it anyway cos at that stage everyone was still talking recovery, but so often me and my sis think of something we'd like to ask her and she's the only one who would know the answer.
I comfort myself when I'm really really sick that this was what mum must have felt like all the time towards the end and so for her dying must have been a bit of a release... sorry if that comes out wrong, I hope you know what I mean. But for those left behind I know we just want to hold on. The most moving thing I ever saw was my dad telling mum it was Ok to go, sort of giving her permission to stop fighting.

Anyway I'm rambling. I just wanted to wish you strength and courage and send hugs to all those on this thread who've also lost their mums.

Geekgirl , thought I'd check in with a few pearls of wisdom for you....

It doesn't matter if your house is a bombsite.

It doesn't matter if the dcs are late for school.

As long as your dh is feeding them and they are getting some sleep then all will be fine; this will be having an impact on him as well.

There, stop worrying about all that, it's far too trivial at the minute - I have hereby given you permission not to concern yourself with dirty pots in the sink and mud on the carpet, unchanged bedclothes etc etc .

All that said, no matter how much you talk (and it is wonderful that you can, my Mum really wasn't capable of any logical talk for a few weeks before she went (Dad would say that was normal though )), there will always be so much more to say and you will carry on talking to her for ever, whether out loud or in your head.

It's very difficult to know what to do for the best (and easy for me to say) but to let go is her decision ultimately and if she wants to go, hard though it is for all of you left behind, it may be the one thing she feels she has some control over.

Thinking of you a lot and very sad for you. Also very happy that you are able and have found this time to spend these precious moments with your Mum.

x massive gin soaked hug x