my mum is dying - am kind of freaked out by how 'well' I am dealing with

[geekgirl]

my mum (58) was diagnosed with ovarian cancer earlier this year - unfortunately the cancer never really responded to the chemo (although we always hoped it was - unfortunately it just wasn't to be ).

We went to stay with my parents at half-term which was very nice - unfortunately she was admitted to hospital just after we left with what appears to be a complete intestinal blockage and what appears to be multiple organ failure

They have stopped intravenous nutrition and are only giving her pain meds and fluids now - it's supposedly just a matter of days now (she is extremely underweight - just skin & bones).

I had a cry when dh told me last night (my db had rung and told him about them stopping intravenous nutrition whilst I was out) but since then it's been ok. Life just goes on. Dd1's at home with a flu bug, I had an appt with dd2's Senco, oh, and my mum is dying. That's how it feels IYSWIM. I spoke to her on the phone this afternoon - apart from her slurred speech it all seemed so normal.

I'm flying over to see her on Friday, I guess it'll be a tough weekend. Is it going to hit me really horribly at some point? Or am I made of ice?
I love my mum so much, we have a great relationship and talk at least once a day on the phone. She is my best friend and absolutely adores my kids. Life without her seems totally unimagineable really.

hi GG i work in a hospice, as you can imagine i have seen grief manifest itself in many many ways and please be rest assured that your reaction is quite normal. Who says that we have to turn into emotional wreck because we are facing a difficult time in our lives?

i think women naturally cope with things in a calmer and more logical way, and also being a mum encourages us to keep going against the odds.

quite often in my job it will be the women of the family who ask all the questions and the ones who make the arrangements after death. We are by our very nature, nuturing creatures and you are obviously continuing to nuture your family even though you are aware of what lies ahead.

i wish you lots of love honey and hope that you can make the most of your time with her this weekend.

I am so sorry for you all.

Don't think this will help but feel I would like to post it. My Nan was given 3-12 months when her second bout of cancer was diagnosed. She said to me she wasn't happy about it as she had had enough. I was devasted for me but happy for her that she went after 2 1/2 months.

GG, you poor thing!
don't worry about the house, my house is a bombsite all the time and everyone in my family is healthy!And so what if the kids are late for school once in a while, the teachers will understand.
Sorry your brother is being an arse, wills really can bring out the worst in people. Hopefully he'll come round.
I can't imagine what you're going through, with your Mum, my Dad died suddenly and although it was a huge shock at the time, in some ways it was so much better for us that he didn't suffer. I think you do find strength inside yourself at these times, a coping mechanism clicks in and you carry on on autopilot.

you're all so lovely. so sorry to hear of all these losses

my mum was due to have the tube that drains her stomach moved today - it goes in through her nose down into her stomach and is a whopping thick tube so v. unpleasant. They had planned to do a gastrostomy so that it could go directly through the abdomen, to improve her quality of life a bit (because the gastric fluid doesn't have anywhere to go it needs to be drained off).

Unfortunately they were unable to do it because the tumour is in the way I feel so gutted for her. She kept saying to me at the weekend that she wants it to be over, and there I was telling her that I am sure she will feel a bit better once she's rid of the tube in her face. And now this

I'm going over on Tuesday morning. Looks like I'll stay there until the end now.

Dh keeps saying that he wants to come over with the children for the funeral, I told him that I absolutely do no want the children attending the actual funeral, he's being v. insistent about coming over though and being there for the family gathering at least. I don't think I want them there. They're such a handful (only because they're little really and hard work as a result) and I'll have enough to deal with. Don't know what to do... Dh says he wants to be there to support my dad.

sorry to read this, glad you are going over to see your mum thou sad for you that it will be for the last time
i know what you mean about funerals and it is hard to know what to do re the kids, could you get some friend to go along with the sole purpose of looking after the kids so that you don't have to worry about them so much?

Your poor Mum, she sounds as though she's really had enough now

How old are the children? I admit I am pro children at funerals if they want to be there.. It helps with the grieving process.

Please don't stop your dh from going if he wants to be there, he may be very upset too.

My mum's funeral was very beautiful and it helped my dds come to terms with it; they were about 10 and 8.

Oh gg So sorry.

the kids are 8, 6 & 3. The little two are a bit of a troublesome twosome really . The problem is that we don't really have anyone who could look after them. Dh has suggested that he stays outside with the little two during the service.

Oh, I don't know. They don't go to bed until 11 when we're away from home, ds still has toddler tantrums and other such delights, which makes me not want them there IYKWIM. But I suppose it is a family event.

i know just how you feel. my mum is 59 and is dying from lung cancer. i have a ds who is 4 and a dd who is nearly 14months and they both adore her and she does too. my mum is not quite at your mums stage but after 2.5 years since diagnosis things are no starting to be affected by the progression of the disease. its so awful watching them in this state and they are so young really. my thoughts are with you. i still dont know what i am going to say to them when she's gone. look after yourself..

I agree with NAB3...we cope and THEN we cry. Make sure you do have the support you need when the need to cope is no longer holding you together.

We recently went to MIL funeral and had 5 children between 3 families there (1yo, 5 yo. 9yo, 10yo and 15yo). It was a very small funeral but the children coped really well...we let them all go outside and play and if your DH is happy to do that I think it would be a good idea. I get the impression that he wants to support you. In fact my SIL with the 1yo said that having her dd there is what helped her to get through the funeral.....but every person is different and you need to do what is best for you.

BTW the children were remarkably ok with the whole funeral business... i think they needed to SEE what was happening rather than having to deal with impossible imagination about such a strange experience..

It's a really hard one but they may surprise you - you could always agree that dh will take them out if they start to create.

You just have to go with your gut feeling I think, you'll know what to do when the time comes; only you know your dcs. It's easy to concentrate too hard on all these decisions now instead of enjoying the precious time that you have left; I was a bit upset that I'd done that afterwards .

DS2 crawled all around the church at my Nan's funeral and DS1 only played up at the end - so, I got to hear my Grandpa say goodbye to my Nan and his cronies clap (in a very proper Catholic church - it was a very special moment ), before having to take them out. They stayed outside with my ex- for my Dad's funeral, but were 6 months younger at that point (DS1 was 2 and DS2 was 6 months) and I was doing the eulogy. Both times, it was fine but very much because that was what I wanted to do. As long as you are OK, I think they are, too. Sorry, it is so hard and there are no right answers.

have changed my flight to tomorrow now - my dad said last night that my mum and her doctor have decided that this is it now. Apparently it would be just a few days now - because I spoke to her an hour ago and she sounded fine, well, too fine for someone who is due to die within the next few days, anyway

It all seems totally unreal.

I have about a million things to do at home now so that things don't go completely arse over tit in my absence - dh has promised that it will be better this time.

So sorry for you.

Wishing you strength and sending love x

I'm so sorry

Thinking of you all, GG.
xx

Hugs and strength GG.

Thinking of you.

so sorry. thinking of you.

geekgirl just wondering how you are. I lost my mom to ovarian cancer almost 10 years ago so i know how you feel. Thinking of you and your family.

well, she's still here - because she is not having any kind of quality of life.
For some reason the hospital hooked her back up to IV nutrition - aparently it was against the hyppocratic oath to not continue it - at this rate they could be torturing her for weeks.

She is on huge amounts of morphine now and seems to have some crackingly good hallucinations (eggs in the garden, a house that has special slides for cats?!!!) which is comforting in a weird way - at least she is seeing interesting stuff rather than being too aware of the grim reality IYKWIM all the time.

Her tummy is very distended by the tumour and she is still sick a lot. Her legs are so swollen that she can barely shuffle to the toilet.

It's so utterly grim and horrendous. I have already planned my exit route should this cancer ever get me.

I am going home tomorrow, as I said this could drag on for weeks, and I just can't be away from home and dh out of work for that long.

munchie, I am so sorry you lost your mum to this too. I can't believe what a fast and devastating cancer OC is.