For Anyone Needing Support After Losing A Parent. Very Supportive Thread

[Mummylin]

Luckily I was keeping my eye on the thread so it would of been ok. Hopefully this new thread will once again bring comfort to newly bereaved.
To the newest posters, I wish you all the best in the coming weeks / months.
And to the longer term posters, thankyou for being such a support to each other. 💐

Hi, just came across this thread and it’s just beautiful, sad but beautiful.
I lost my mum October 2019 she had a sudden stroke brought on by an undiagnosed heart condition she was 64 and she was mine and my sisters life. I had been trying for a baby for 2 years, I so desperately wanted to make her a grandma as I knew she couldn’t wait to be one but I just couldn’t seem to get pregnant , she was the one that was always telling me ... it will happen don’t worry. She was in hospital for 4 days getting progressively worse until they told us there was no life left and it was just a matter of time , I told her over those days that I would have her grandchild and I knew that I would have a girl ( we always thought I would if it happened) and that I would name her after my mum... she gripped my hand at that point without a doubt even though the doctors said she wasn’t aware of anything. She died the next day with all of her family around her in hospital , her sisters , nieces and nephew's and my dad , 16 of us to be precise - she meant that much to everyone.

11 days after she had passed I found out I was pregnant , I paid to have blood tests done at 10 weeks for the gender of our baby , a lovely little girl who o gave birth to 7 months ago and have named her after my special special mum xx

Aww that is kind of you to say @Cloudesley

I am very intrigued about your username (sorry very off topic there)

Sometimes the words are there and sometimes I cannot even express the emotion. Such is the roller-coaster.

I hope you are keeping as well as you can

Oh @Faye32 your post made me cry and cry such a similar tragedy to mine. My mum died of a sudden stroke at 63 last April she was so fit and healthy. She died 6 weeks before I had my first baby. She was my best friend and whole world and I cannot believe she has gone and won't ever see me being a mum or I won't see her being a grandma to my baby who was also a girl. I just hope one day we have a similar bond. Life is so fucking unfair x

@Mrssunshine, I’m so so very sorry to hear that, it’s just so devastating isn’t it , the shock just gets me daily and I can’t believe they won’t see us be mums ourselves xx

Hello there. My father died last night, age 77. I’ve not even reached grief yet (only some minutes of choking tears). I have not slept in three days now, and I am suffering panic attacks and moments where I am unable to breathe. Is this normal in the very early stages of the shock after a parent death?

He had Parkinson’s with Lewy body dementia in recent years and last September there was a sudden and dramatic deterioration (and delirium) but we don’t know why - no obvious signs of infection. Three months in hospital (he did catch Covid while there but no major symptoms of that - but meant I could not visit him while he was positive).

As soon as he tested Negative again they transferred him to a nursing home early December (the last time I saw him was when I was allowed into the ambulance transferring him from the COVID ward to the new home, this was probably the hardest 20 minutes of my life. They took him in and then I didn’t see him for 3 months until ten days ago when doctor declared visits allowed as he was at end of life).

I am sure the lack of family contact sped up his decline. Jan and Feb have been torture. I was allowed to visit as much as I wanted in the last ten days (staggered with my stepmother). Not really responsive and no longer speaking, eating or drinking - but lots of hand squeezing and me kissing his face and bead.

This week he was not in pain and was very peaceful and sleeping at the end. I was lying next to him touching heads together and I didn’t even know what moment he actually died because he was so elegant and discreet about it. I was changing the music on my phone to another song I knew he liked, and I slowly realised it was silent, his breathing at stopped. I sat up and turned and looked at him....and realised his jaw had fallen and his eyes were even more glazed than before. Everything is a blur then.

I’m having flashbacks and my memory of what happened next (checking his pulse even tho I knew, getting the nurses, watching them clean and change his bed, open the window, I called his wife, and I called my overseas siblings).

I feel close to vomiting still, and drifting around in a useless daze. Will these feeling of panic and fear and doom, and fear of what happened last night pass? I soon as he died I felt so lonely in his room, and so very scared. Like I had been abandoned. Darkness closing in on me.

Thank you for any thoughts you might have about what your first 24 - 48 - 72 hours felt like for you. Will this panic pass soon so I can start to process things?

@LHReturns So sorry to read your story. I lost my dad a month ago now. I relate to the panic feeling and the nausea. My physical symptoms have been feeling sick and having butterflies in the stomach (as well as crying and not sleeping etc).
I think you are sort of in a state of shock, like I have been? Possibly ? I don't know... all I know is the whole thing is very strange. My dad went when we left his bedside for the nurses to give him a wash. He had been hanging on but they said it often happens that they wait til you're briefly not there, to slip away. When I looked at him after he had gone, I wanted to ask the nurses "where has he gone?"

Ps. I also understand the feeling of fear, I get that and had it especially in the first week; It has got a bit better but I'm still processing it all and still get that lurching horror

@LHReturns your story brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry you've lost your dad. For what it's worth, I think everything you're feeling is 'normal', although that doesn't help make it any better. There really is no easy route through this, I don't think.

Flashbacks - yes. This is so very familiar to me. My mum was at home for her last 2 days (after being in hospital for just over a fortnight) and I'm not sure I really believed she was going to die until she actually did. The day before she'd been talking to us, though very weak, but rallied so much and even asked for something to eat.

I was just completely poleaxed in the immediate aftermath. It was so immense, I couldn't process the enormity of her not existing any more. I think that for the first day or so I couldn't feel it properly, and had to deal with the practicalities. Then it really kicked in and I felt all the things you do, a horrible churning and darkness and an awful sense of loss. I didn't seem to cry much until the evenings and then it would be like the floodgates opening.

It's 5 months on now, and things have changed. I don't feel the worst of that awful wrenching despair. I still think of her every morning when I wake up, I still cry, I still miss her terribly. I do still find myself replaying every detail of her actually dying. It's branded on my mind but it has lost its absolutely visceral horror, if that makes any sense. Realising how ill she actually was, and that we were inevitably going to lose her, has sort of shifted perspectives a bit and given it all a bit of balance, I suppose.
Hugs to everyone going through this. It's hard.

@Cloudesley

Ps. I also understand the feeling of fear, I get that and had it especially in the first week; It has got a bit better but I'm still processing it all and still get that lurching horror

Thank you so very much. My floodgates have opened again so I will reply tomorrow when hopefully I might have had a tiny bit of sleep.

Yes it is shock and nerves and anxiety - and it is immense and feels like I’m never ever going to be the same again.

Thank you for replying. I miss sitting holding his hand this week when he was alive. I could have done that for weeks. But not this. We were two people in the room. Then it was just me. Exactly as you say - when I sat up and looked at him, I thought ‘where have you gone? You’ve left me’.

[quote Brillig]@LHReturns your story brought tears to my eyes. I'm so sorry you've lost your dad. For what it's worth, I think everything you're feeling is 'normal', although that doesn't help make it any better. There really is no easy route through this, I don't think.

Flashbacks - yes. This is so very familiar to me. My mum was at home for her last 2 days (after being in hospital for just over a fortnight) and I'm not sure I really believed she was going to die until she actually did. The day before she'd been talking to us, though very weak, but rallied so much and even asked for something to eat.

I was just completely poleaxed in the immediate aftermath. It was so immense, I couldn't process the enormity of her not existing any more. I think that for the first day or so I couldn't feel it properly, and had to deal with the practicalities. Then it really kicked in and I felt all the things you do, a horrible churning and darkness and an awful sense of loss. I didn't seem to cry much until the evenings and then it would be like the floodgates opening.

It's 5 months on now, and things have changed. I don't feel the worst of that awful wrenching despair. I still think of her every morning when I wake up, I still cry, I still miss her terribly. I do still find myself replaying every detail of her actually dying. It's branded on my mind but it has lost its absolutely visceral horror, if that makes any sense. Realising how ill she actually was, and that we were inevitably going to lose her, has sort of shifted perspectives a bit and given it all a bit of balance, I suppose.
Hugs to everyone going through this. It's hard.[/quote]
Poleaxed is so much the word. immense is so right. Horrible churning yes. And visceral horror...my god yes. Today is pure horror and I feel so guilty that his natural process of dying is having such a physical impact on me. He wasnt horrific in any way at all, but since he ‘left me’ I have completely fallen apart.

Tears so far only for the small things. When I finally left the home last night I took the special mug I made for him with family pictures on it...I can’t look at it without crumbling. Also last night I found a load of cakes and biscuits (that I had delivered) hidden in his room because the lovely Home staff obviously hadn’t the heart to tell me he wasn’t eating then any more), finding some old emails from him, finding the suction hand rails I had bought for him to use when he next stayed with me (we never got to use them).

Thank you so much for replying.

To all the new posters, welcome to the thread, though I'm sorry you have a reason to be here.

The shock, panic, lack of sleep, etc, is normal. It's still early days and it's such a huge shock to the system at the beginning. It will gradually start to feel less raw.

Both of my parents died from/with covid. With mum she already had terminal cancer which was the main factor, but covid progressed things. It was distressing but she had been ill for some time and we knew it was coming, so we were prepared in some way but it was still very hard.

With dad it was totally out of the blue. On the Sunday he was fine, overnight he became extremely ill and had to be put on oxygen, and on the Monday morning he died. The days afterwards were appalling, I just couldn't get my head around it and felt horrified by what had happened to him. I couldn't sleep or eat and felt sick for days. That was back in April. That raw feeling did subside, and was gone completely after a couple of weeks. I still felt sadness of course, but that gut-wrenching feeling went away.

After a while it gets easier to remember happier times. In the immediate aftermath I was panicking that I would forget what dad looked like, sounded like, etc, but I think my brain was just overloaded. The good memories do come back once you're over the shock.

I'm very sorry for your loss LHReturns

Those early days are utterly debilitating and you tend to run on autopilot.

I remember starting a thread here the day after my mum died (suddenly and unexpectedly) and it was via that thread I found this one. Its been very helpful to me over the past few months.

I don't have flashbacks as such. Its more "pangs" now. I missed my mum's death (my dad and sister were with her) but she was at home and we got to spend several precious hours with her body after she died. Sometimes I just feel transported back to that time, but for me it is comforting [and always has been, even the day it happened]. My mum had a good death.

Early days are all about making it through. Make it through the hour / the night / the day / the next day etc

I was amazed when it was a week and then a month.... amazed that I'd managed to do it.

Keep yourself hydrated, rested and try to eat. You need your strength.

I feel really upset about something and just need to get it off my chest. At my mum's funeral one of her friends came up to me and told me about something lovely she had done for him and how she had got him through a really hard time. It's just the sort of thing she would have done, and it was so lovely to hear him tell the story through his tears. But he's just told the whole story again on Facebook but this time naming a different person and not my mum. I don't know why, but it's made me so upset. Part of me wants to comment and ask why he's changed the story. But that probably wouldn't help. I don't know why it's affected me so badly, I'd been ok for a few weeks and now I can't stop crying.

How is everyone faring? Its been pretty quiet so I hope everyone is as well as they can be.

@CloseEncountersOfTheTurdKind (amazing username!) I'm sorry to hear that your mum's friend upset you. I know people don't alway realise how their actions have consequences but this was bad form. I don't use FB precisely because I struggle to hold my tongue!!!

Have had a weird few days myself. After getting through mother's day and then the 6 month anniversary of mum's death, I thought I'd have a bit of respite (I am generally doing alright) but taking kitten to the vets for neurturing really put me in a tailspin. Long story short but my older cat was PTS exactly a week before mum died (after sudden illness and lots of vet trips!) so there is a lot of emotion tied up in cats and vets for me...I've changed vets as I couldn't face going back to the same vet!!!

Felt utterly bereft as mum would have been the person to wish me and kitty luck and she'd have been the first person I'd have told when he was home etc. She was so thoughtful like that. She had 4 kids and 12 grandchildren but she remembered every little thing for each and everyone of us.... parents evenings / appointments / assemblies / sports days. She'd always send messages before and check how things went and it broke my heart to not have her around this weekend.

The clocks changing also hit hard as the silly woman would message us all on the Saturday before to remind us (even though we'd tell her all the time, that most clocks update automatically!). Didn't feel this way last clock change but it was such early days then we were all still in shock I think. In her honour I posted on the family group chat to tell everyone to "remember the clocks change tonight". My 3 siblings and my dad all appreciated the joke.

• Mum never had a smart phone, but we've "upgraded" Dad.

Thanks @Crunchymum
I'm ok now, I decided it was best not to say anything!
It often seems to be the little things that hit me hard too. Your Mum sounds lovely, my Mum was always the one who remembered everything in our family too. I've had lots of hospital appointments for one of my daughters lately, some of which have been very stressful, and I miss having texts from my Mum before and after like she used to do when she was alive.

I read every post @Crunchymum I just feel lost like life has changed forever so much has happened with my other family members for the worse since mum died I just feel like a different person. I would trade them all for her. X

ClosEncounters I'm afraid death seems to bring the madness out of the woodwork. It's just kind of "a thing" IYSWIM. When I first encountered it when FiL died it came as a surprise - 25+ years and several more deaths on, I just blink and file bonkers/unwelcome behaviour in a box under "yay this again".

Checking in as I somehow fell off ‘threads I’m on’. Thanks for asking after everyone @Crunchymum. I’m very up and down, and going through another patch of not sleeping.

I’m still riven with guilt over mum’s last days and the fact that she suffered and I couldn’t ’make it better’. But I had a long talk with a very old friend of mine who worked in a medical context and has a lot of wisdom about these things. It was incredibly helpful to be able to say all the things that are weighing me down and to have her explain, calmly and logically, that in the case of people of very advanced age, like my mum, dying is a process and that there was very unlikely to have been anything anyone could have done to stop it happening. That we have to accept we can’t control how our beloved parents leave us.
I’m not pretending I’m fine now but it did help a lot.

I’m just joining having only read the title and I’ve yet to read all the posts. My DF died on 21 March. I found him dead in bed, it wasn’t nice because he’d been agitated and distressed the night before with pretty non existent care from hospice at home who I had pleaded with to give him a light sedative. They didn’t come the next day when I called to say he was dead so I had to lay him out and try and keep my DM calm. She and my dad had been joined at the hip for 60 years. Now I’m dashing around trying to be the counsellor, the executor, the funeral arranger, the domestic help. My mother has never paid a Bill or taxes a car, she has social anxiety, she’s never had many friends so she is relying on me for everything emotional and practical. My dad was a cheerful and sociable man, my DM hid behind him. He’s handed me the reins. I hope I can cope, I feel like I haven’t got any choice and I haven’t cried yet. On the other hand the sadness of what Covid did to the last year of his life, the lack of social interaction, the lonely hospital stays and huge anxiety of seeing him suffer and knowing what was coming, that has all gone. But I’m scared that I don’t feel close to crying now.

I will read these threads now...

My Dad died at the end of 2020. I feel worse now than I did at the time. I don't think people understand. Although I also don't think I'm being particularly tolerant to be honest. I have an old friend who won't take the hint that I do not want to talk on zoom, or meet up to go for a walk. Every time she asks I have said no I'm not ready for that but thanks and I'll let you know if and when I am. Two days later she asks again. I've barely seen her in five years- no animosity, just that life moved us in different directions- and I feel irritated by her constant contact. Doesn't help that she decided to tell our mutual friends about Dad when I wanted to in my own time. And then another friend asked me how I was. I was honest and said pretty rubbish. She then told me I can't go on like this and I need to do something to sort myself out. It's only been three months- surely I'm allowed to still be a mess sometimes? :(
I guess I'm just fed up with having to manage other people's feelings and needs when I need all my energy for myself. It's nice they care I guess but I wish they'd just leave me alone for a while

@YouokHun
@Cloe78

For both of you. This thread is here to support you. Please keep posting, people understand on here.

Thanks @Brillig. I realise I have read this thread before when I was pacing and bracing myself for what was to come - it was helpful then too.

for all of you further down the road and those who will find themselves here later.

Hello everyone. I hope for those of you spending your first Easter without a loved one it has at least been bearable even though upsetting for you. It seems so sad when these special events happen and we have a space at our table.
Deepest condolences for the latest posters, it is heartening to see the support that you are all continuing to give each other. Look after yourselves 💐💐💐

Thanks @Brillig. It's funny how a group of internet strangers understand more than people who have known you for years. I guess we are all part of the club that none of us wanted to be a member of

Can I join this thread. My mum died in the early hours of yesterday after a long illness. Not sure what else I want to say. I just feel numb. She was my best friend really.