For Anyone Needing Support After Losing A Parent. Very Supportive Thread

[Mummylin]

Luckily I was keeping my eye on the thread so it would of been ok. Hopefully this new thread will once again bring comfort to newly bereaved.
To the newest posters, I wish you all the best in the coming weeks / months.
And to the longer term posters, thankyou for being such a support to each other. 💐

Luckily I'm WFH, kittlesticks, but having to be in meetings with other people so unfortunately I can't completely hide away....

Oh @Brillig. Yes I can definitely empathise with that situation - ours was similar over many weeks. And you just keep hoping, and snatching any tiny bit of potential good news or improvement until they sit you down one day in a room filled with people and say ‘there’s nothing more we can do…’ those words. I bloody hate them.

@Mother87 my mum was like your dad and there are so many unfinished things, unanswered letters and Unsent cards for people’s birthdays. She was the Town Crier for everyone’s good news and updates. I haven’t got a clue how to do half of it ad it’s only now she’s not here that I have even noticed all these things she just did.

Spent the afternoon with my Dad. I'm struggling so much - and seeing him so sad, he really is a walking shadow, it is just awful.

@kittlesticks so sorry, I remember those times well and now he's shacked up with someone else I cannot get my head around it NOT saying this is what will happen to you, it won't. I remember how much of a burden he felt to me in those early days like it was my job to make sure he was ok when he should
If felt like that about me , it's very tough x

@kittlesticks that is good you are together. His sadness is so normal.
In time you may talk together and it will help bring you comfort.
My dad still comes every tea time and stays all evening.
There have been times it's been dreadfully hard, but I found that I could open up to him when I've needed to and really cry. It has been hard to listen to him at times, especially at first when he was really running through everything. I am all he has now. I just am open and honest and tell him if something really hurts.
I understand how awful it must be for him. Waking up and going to sleep every night next to that bare spot.
Everything
It is hard.
Xxx

@Spiritwriter @mrssunshinexxx thank you for your support. I can't imagine what that's like to deal with @mrssunshinexxx
I'm seeing my Dad around 2 to 3 times a week at the moment. It's comforting and hard at the same time to spend time with him and I'm sure he feels the same especially around my children.
There's no sugar coating it, is there. It's all just awful.

[quote mrssunshinexxx]@Mother87 it's totally life altering but also I hope you take some comfort from that special relationship you had. Some people never get what we on this thread have had not that it makes it any easier. when my grief allows I try to be grateful for having the best mum I could wish for for 27 years no one will ever care about me or be invested in my life like she was we didn't go a day without some kind of communication.
Since my mum died my dad moved on very quickly and moved another woman in so I don't have any relationship with him some people won't understand or think I'm in the wrong personally I think he should of waited, sat in his grief , put his children and grandchildren as priority for a while for me it just feels like he has replaced her how could it feel any differently x[/quote]
I know some of us were so incredibly lucky to have had such amazing love - I had it for over fifty years from dad (and DM) which makes me think it'll take another fifty to even think about getting over/getting used to it/living without him... How do people do it? (I know they do...) And because he was 'foreign' and I don't see or hear similar people every day, it's now a shock when I do (a painful achey shock)
That must have been so so difficult though, your dad moving on... again, I know it happens... and it's not "wrong"... I'm just rubbish with change/the grief...

@kittlesticks that will bring great strength and comfort to your dad. It's very early days still for you both. Very, very early.
You are building a new love.
Xxx

Hello
My wonderful dad passed away 2 days ago.
I am so so sad but not being given space to personally grief.
I have 3 children, aged 21, 18 and 15. They are absolutely distraught so I feel it's my job to support them.
My mum is also completely distraught and so I am also supporting her.
Just reading my post I sound selfish but I need space too

@Pentiumgold I am so sorry for your loss, and your mum's loss, and your children's. You have all of you suffered a dreadful loss. You have our support here.
And ...i would say....just be open with your children and your mum. They don't expect anything from you. It's okay to show them your pain. He's your dad. Show them your loss and gain comfort together in your shared grief.
It's early, it's raw.
Be kind to yourself.
Hugs.
And love to your dad.

@Pentiumgold so sorry for your loss - sending strength to grieve xx

@Pentiumgold

When I lost my mum on 5th March I found that I had to turn to people outside my family for emotional support. My grief in the early months was all consuming 24/7 now it comes and goes it's always there but there are triggers now that sends me back to the awful gut wrenching deep painful feelings that were so strong when mum first died. I felt that I was upsetting my sister and dad by calling them when I was so upset. I didn't hide my grief from them far from it but I never reached out much to them when it was so incredibly painful as inevitable I would set them off crying too and I felt that it wasn't fair. Am finding that I can talk a bit more to my dad now but again I worry that my calls will bring him down. I found myself reaching out to friends, work colleagues and the Cruse Bereavement helpline who were absolutely amazing. I had 4 early intervention sessions from Cruse and am waiting on more sessions next month. Apparently my grief is "more than most" I beg to differ if my counsellor looked on Mumsnet I think my grief sounds very similar to most of not all people posting here.

Do you have a support network out with your immediate family you could turn to? I'd definitely recommend a call to the Cruse Bereavement helpline I used the Scottish one as am in Scotland but there are other devisions throughout the UK for more local support depending on where you live. I used to call them more of less every day. It eased the guilt of calling friends and work colleagues so often and just provided a sounding board for me to cry sometimes I couldn't even speak but they just listened.

This group has also helped me a lot as now time is passing by I find the support from people drifting away but you still grieve months and years down the line. I have recently returned to work but have a new job and I talk about my mum A LOT at work but am going to try to reduce that a bit as am in a new team and I don't want people thinking that they have an absolute wreck joining them. People are kind but they probably don't want to hear it. Its like my mum died and it changed me this is who I'm now am no longer me so to speak but am a grieving daughter and this seems to be my main role. Am still am mum of course and a wife although my relationship with my husband is just awful right now. It was never the best over the years and it improved for a bit after mum died but it's now back to just being shit again. Mum was my counsellor when it came to my marriage I know she would have hated seeing me and my husband separate so am sticking with it for now. For mum and my kids and basically I don't think I have the emotional reserves to go through a separation right now.

Anyway my thoughts are with you and everyone else here its a nice wee supportive group especially if you have a lot of very low points which there are many.

Take care

You are far from selfish @Pentiumgold hugs x

@Pentiumgold

Sending you my heart felt condolences. Those early days are so difficult and you are hanging on by a thread.

Just get the basics done (keep hydrated and rest even if you can't sleep). Give your kids lots of cuddles.

Sorry, just reread your post and see I missed the mark a little.

Your kids are old enough to understand that you are also feeling the brute force of grief and I think its alright to take the moments you need, if you want to be alone.

Do you have siblings? Is there any other support for your mum?

Thank you all for your heart felt messages. Not in a good place to reply as I'd like.
Sorry x

@Pentiumgold no apologies necessary X
The cuddles, hydration, and basic rest are excellent advice.
Each moment at a time, and letting the grief flow.
Honestly. Xxx

Hello. I've just been directed here from chat by kittlesticks My dear mum died last night after a very short and aggressive illness. Even the doctors hadn't realised she was about to go. I feel very sad that I didn't get to see her at all since she went to A&E a fortnight ago.

@Kitkatchunkyplease

Welcome to the group am very sorry that you find yourself here and a very sorry that you have lost your mum. You will be in shock today just take the day hour by hour. I remember driving home from the hospital after my mum passed away also from a sudden illness and an 11 day hospital admission. I couldn't believe what had just happened. Over 5 months down the line and I still can believe that she's gone. It's like the mind doesn't allow you to fully accept that mum is gone maybe a protection mechanical I have no idea or because it was so unexpected there is no time to prepare for what lies ahead you are just throw into it kicking and screaming.

You are in good company here and we will support you as much as we can virtually.

Sending strength your way x

@Pentiumgold

How are you getting on there? Hang on in there I know it's so hard right now you literally have to drag yourself out of bed every day and face life.
What kept me going if you could say that as i barley functioned for the first 3 or so months was my kids and my dog. If I never had them am fairly sure I wouldnt be here writing this now.

You'll get through the dark dark days and nights. I know it seems impossible right now but you do resurface a little through time. Granted a different person as I'm not the same person that I was before my mum died it impossible to be as your life changes completely but you re-adjust somehow and keep going for those who are still with you ♥️

@Kitkatchunkyplease @Pentiumgold sending strength for the day. @Ttc42nearly43 has it exactly right. Without the DCs and my DH I'm not sure how I would be dragging myself through this - it's over 2 months now.
I went to see my grief counsellor yesterday and felt some reassurance. She thinks I'm 'doing well' whatever that means.
I miss her so much.

@kittlesticks

Hey thats good that you have started counselling. It's strange when people say that your "doing well" as sure as heck you don't feel like it do you. My boss says that to me and I think that she must be talking about someone else.

Does anyone ever let their mind wander and image different scenarios? I imagine my mum coming home from hospital and everyone rallying around mum never had that many visitors mostly just me and dad. I wonder if mum had survived would she have moved out of the care home after all their failings I would think so but then maybe I wouldn't feel that they had failed her if mum survived. I think about how much more time I would give to her instead of rushing phone calls and being "too busy" all the time. Life would have been better for my mum am sure of it if only she survived.

You miss your mum so much that feeling becomes part of your whole being. I feel rough today I drank too much last night I don't do that very often but sometimes I just want to go into oblivion and feel nothing but the next day you ultimately feel worse.

Sending love to all.
Be easy on yourselves X
One moment at a time X

I am going to meditate in a little while. I have a blessed moment alone here and would so like to offer some energy out to anyone and their parent/s if you would like me to include your name and their name in my practice.

All from the heart.
It's all I can do to try and help.

@Ttc42nearly43 @Brillig @kittlesticks @Pentiumgold @Kitkatchunkyplease @mrssunshinexxx and everyone else.....I will be holding you close. And drawing close to your parents. Including of course, my beloved mum.