For Anyone Needing Support After Losing A Parent. Very Supportive Thread

[Mummylin]

Luckily I was keeping my eye on the thread so it would of been ok. Hopefully this new thread will once again bring comfort to newly bereaved.
To the newest posters, I wish you all the best in the coming weeks / months.
And to the longer term posters, thankyou for being such a support to each other. 💐

I dreamed of my Dad last night and today (we're on a city break) we went round a historic house....all the layout and tchotchkes reminded me of my Gran and her sister, and all the Victorian stuff Mum got cheap at auction rooms when she was setting up home as we were kids... I had living links to the 19th century and now they are all gone, it's just me. End of the line. Good thing about masks, they make it harder to see you're crying :/

Hi all, I've been lurking on here for a month or so now reading your stories and thoughts which resonate so much. I feel for you all. My beloved Mum who I was very close to died early in July, so five weeks now. It was complicated as she lived abroad and with Covid not been able to visit much in the last two years. It was sudden. I flew out immediately to be with my Dad and the first few weeks of funeral, sorting, telling people, like someone else mentioned above, Covid tests, quarantine, bringing dad back here kept me busy. There were failing in her care. A lot to deal with and process but this last week it has hit me like a sledgehammer. I just want to retreat and sleep and/or daydream about her but I have a family. I keep falling asleep at odd times which isn't like me. A lovely grief helpline worker said the sleep is to escape from the grief. I'm self employed and I need to get back to work too. Does this make sense anyone? Also hoping I will fall asleep and join Mum if that makes any sense though I am not wanting to take my own life rationally thankfully. I think it is more to fall asleep and have a vivid dream which I do occasionally though I haven't had one with her in it yet. I keep hoping I will. I will probably have some Counselling as I have had it in the past and it has helped me. Thanks for reading if you have. x

@Geneswoman I am so sorry, that sounds like an overwhelming pile of stuff to deal with on top of the normal feelings about losing your Mum.
If there is stuff you can safely postpone for a bit it might provide a bit of slack.

Oh thank you FluffyFluffyClouds. That is kind of you. Like you are giving me permission. Rationally I know you are right. Thank you and hugs xx

Hi @Geneswoman I'm so sorry. Also sorry to know you have had so much to deal with in a practical sense. Similarly to you I suppose my sister also lives abroad and flew straight here to be with us. There are so many complications with that on top of the loss. My mum died instantly and went from being fully in my life to being gone. My sister had a different experience being at a distance for so long.
Anyway just to say that like you I had the 'it suddenly hit me' moment and was unable to move pretty much for 4 or 5 days after the funeral. I was physically quite unwell and luckily was able to get childcare for my two small children and just 'feel it'. It's now been 8 weeks and I find I'm a bit more able to step in and out of the awful waves of grief. When it gets me tho there's nothing I can do about it. I send you all my strength x

Thank you Kittlesticks, so sorry you and your family are going through this too though it helps to know what I am feeling is not totally wrong if that makes sense. The additional stuff doesn't make it any worse but maybe distracted me for a while. I feel like going to a Travelodge and just having a weekend to indulge myself in grief, sounds like it is not the worst idea I have ever had. Sending you and your sister and family strength too and thank you for taking the time to message xx

@Geneswoman I'm so sorry to hear this and it sounds overwhelming. I think it does help to have a decompression valve. Here is a good place to unload, especially as you can be sure that people will rally round and be supportive.

Counselling sounds like a good idea when you feel ready for it. I've become a bit of an evangelist for it on here but I really have found it immensely helpful. I was destroyed by guilt and grief in the aftermath of my mum's death and it's only thanks to my lovely counsellor that I've been able to see gradually that we were badly let down by the medics - not to mention just the whole general mess and confusion of trying to navigate the system during Covid - and that what happened wasn't all my fault. Having a space to acknowledge and examine your own grief by talking to someone who isn't involved is a powerful thing.

Hi Brillig, I am so sorry for you too. It is so sad when you feel let down by the medics and as you say Covid and everything that entails has made things so complicated. I really feel for you - and everyone going through this. It sounds like you have similarities to my experience and not sure how much it makes the experience worse as I keep saying to myself and to good friends it is impossible to measure or grief like my mind seems to want to do; 'If only she had been in this country and been in a hospice it would have been better for us'. I think it would have been better for her that's different. Thank you I am so glad counselling has helped you. I am definitely going to pursue it now. Also I found I had a 'better' day today if that is the right word and I thought maybe it was cos I opened up on here. Thank you again for posting. xx

Just saying hi to everyone - I took the DCs out today for the day, first time I've done that in 8 weeks. Felt good to go but now we are home I'm so tired. I was just standing here cooking dinner thinking 'I haven't cried today'. This is my first day not crying since Mum died. I miss her so much. It almost feels awful not to cry.

@kittlesticks

I get that the guilt of not crying I cry a lot less than I did in the first 3 months when my mum passed away but that doesn't mean that I miss her any less or that it hurts any less. I just think that eventually you realise that there is no other option but to carry on as best what you can.

@Geneswoman
It's been 5 months since my mum died and I remember the sleep part of grief very well. The only time that your mind would rest would be in sleep. I don't have many vivid dreams of my mum I did have one and I woke up at the part where she was smiling down at me and it ripped me apart it was so upsetting. I get that you want a connection if only there was some way to get that. My connection is when I look in the mirror and it often upsets me as I have my mum's eyes and I see her looking back at me sometimes I have to look away as I can't bare to look at my own reflection.
I recall the feeling that my whole life had ended and feeling that I wanted to died too. Anything to take away the pain as it was just too much but what kept me going is the thought that I couldn't put my children through the suffering that am experiencing I wouldn't wish that on anybody. Time passes by there no timeline in grief and gradually people stop asking how you are and the phone calls and messages of support get less and less that just seems to be what happens. Am the only person in my family that still talks about mum. My dad, my sister are like closed books hardly sharing what they are feeling. It feels like it was only yesterday that mum was alive and now she's not. Not many people understand how time doesn't heal you
as they say you only recondition yourself to adjust to your mum no longer being here. I want to reach out to my mum so many times throughout the day. Like you my mum was like my rock always there by my side there's no words that can describe the emptyness you feel right now it's like a huge big black hole but what you need to do is find someone, something to grab onto and hang on in there until you surface. I feel like I have a little bit if my head out of the water but I have a hell of a long way to go yet.

My thoughts are with everyone let please try and stay strong together

This might sound crazy but does anyone else think how the hell am I going to cope in life without my mum like with major things. I lost one of my labradors 3 years ago am I literally howled down the phone to my mum for hours for weeks totally broken hearted and here i'm looking the same situation in the face with my other Labrador now 12 years old and going for surgery soon for her arthritic joints and a spinal condition. I know it's selfish and am sorry if I sound like a child but I think to myself what the hell am I going to do when I have to let go of my dog who is going to listen to me crying for hours no one will and the only person I will want more than anything will be my mum. I miss her so much does it sound mad that am forward thinking for future losses when I know that I will need my mum next to me and worrying how will I get through it without her

No you don't sound mad, far from it @Ttc42nearly43 I keep thinking how will I cope with a 15 month okd and a newborn and likely a caesarean selfishly I just want her to come and look after me then it kicks in I'll never see her again

@Ttc42nearly43 I often think that, what if I get ill or the kids get seriously unwell or I lose my DH. But then I also feel selfish - 'why would I want her to have that worry?' Grinds you down doesn't it.
I also feel angry, not towards her, but about the fact that it's only really me around to look after my Dad in his old age now - which won't be for a while, but my DSis lives abroad so that's going to fall to just me too. There's not much logic tho in wanting mum around for that is there. It's all such a mess.

Thank you all for your kind messages and I am so sorry for everyone's losses, it's so hard isn't it? even though we were apart as in different countries, we spoke on the phone everyday and I keep finding myself thinking, oh yeah dad would like that I have to tell him. Keep strong everyone, thinking of you all and thanks again, it has really helped reading other peoples stories

@kittlesticks having some really rough days. How are you?

Hi @Eirefairy sending love. Yes I know the feeling. I'm up and down every day. My mum - my wonderful mum - the heart of my life really, gone. It seems like madness although it's been 8 weeks.
Do you want to tell me what's been happening with you? Xx

We're heading off to my spiritual home on Saturday (a coastal village my parents bought us to, regularly, when we were young). Per chance we found a cheap cottage there last September, pictures from that trip were the last ones my mum would have ever seen of my children.

We went back in June and have decided to go again. For some reason I felt very close to mum there.... for many reasons. Mainly she was so crippled by anxiety in her last few years I know she was so proud of me - mid pandemic and with my own health issues - when last September I decided "fuck it" and took us all away. My mum hadn't been up to holiday's in decades, she was practically agoraphobic by the time she died.

The fact it is somewhere beautiful, that we had been quite a lot, when I was young and that I have happy memories of my younger, stronger, more vibrant mum also adds to the pull of this place.

As always though, mum isn't far from my mind and I wish I was sharing my excitement with her and sending her my list of what we are packing (the woman loved a list and I loved to indulge her). Its almost 11 months and in some ways harder now. Harder because I am 11 months further away from her. Memories will never waiver or fade but God I miss having her here to cuddle and hearing her voice. Everyday I am further away from my beautiful mum.

Will make sure we have a cracking time though, as she'd be so mad at me if I let "her" my grief spoil this time!

@Crunchymum that sounds so lovely I'm really glad you're able to get away.
I think it's probably harder (or heavier) and lighter at different times and it depends on a multitude of factors. I'm struggling with guilt today over my Dad, who is now having to navigate things by himself. I have my DH and 2 small DCs to give me structure and keep me going in a sense. I feel dreadful that he's alone.
I know I'm still in that early phase especially seeing how mum just died very suddenly and with no signs of anything being wrong, but I'm beginning to find I can sandwich the horrible waves of grief with other things and I can feel life moving on (DS starts school in September) and change happening around me. It's a weird feeling.
I hope you have a lovely time away, I send you strength to choose the biggest ice cream option and strength to run and jump the waves x

Ladies I have covid am heavily pregnant with a 1 year old and not vaxxed I feel like shit and keep catastrophising that I'm going to die from it

@mrssunshinexxx oh god hun - can you ring the GP or midwife? What are the symptoms like?

Oh gosh mrssunshinexxx

Can you call your MW for advice.

I know its easier said than done but please try not to worry. Best thing to do is plough through and hope it is just mild for you BUT know that if you have any doubts or concerns they'll be able to look after you and provide what you need (as you are diagnosed at least they know what they are dealing with)

I have a friend who delivered with Covid in Decmeber and I also work with somebody who's DD is a MW and has worked with many Covid patients - they still want to and will provide you with care.

• not suggesting you are going to deliver anytime soon. Was just giving an example

@mrssunshinexxx oh goodness that's tough, I'm so sorry - what a shock for you. Please do contact your MW for advice and reassurance. I hope you'll start feeling better very soon.

@Brillig @Crunchymum @kittlesticks thanks all
Started off just short of breath for first 3 days now throat like a razor blocked nose no taste or smell at all it's so odd and just feel fatigued. My midwife being great she's calling every other day and checking up on me just wish I knew what day was peak so I know if im getting better or not google is so full of diff advice does anyone know?
@Crunchymum that's positive but yes don't want her coming yet x

My dad died almost a month ago now. It's not been easy as I live away from my family. He was in hospital but not for one minute did I think he'd die I was led to believe he was getting better. I don't think I've really processed it properly yet tbh. I'm really struggling because I was told he was going to die on the morning that he died . I obviously went racing down but didn't make it in time, what I'm struggling with is that my mum knew the day before and didn't tell me. If she had I could have been there and seen him. I don't want to say anything to her as obviously she is grieving and I don't want to make her feel worse but I can't quite get my head around it and I feel like it's stopping me dealing with his death properly

@clpsmum I feel similar. It's so hard, I truly feel if my dad had got my mum
To hosptial even an hour sooner she would still be here and it's very difficult to keep a hat on those feelings especially when he's been a total insensitive prat all round