For Anyone Needing Support After Losing A Parent. Very Supportive Thread

[Mummylin]

Luckily I was keeping my eye on the thread so it would of been ok. Hopefully this new thread will once again bring comfort to newly bereaved.
To the newest posters, I wish you all the best in the coming weeks / months.
And to the longer term posters, thankyou for being such a support to each other. 💐

I had to register Mum’s death yesterday. It’s been a week since she’s gone and sometimes I don’t feel like the enormity of everything has hit me yet. Is that normal? I have cried but other times I don’t feel anything.

Thanks @Ttc42nearly43 for the advice about Cruse. I'm beginning to think I need some sort of support out with my family/friends. I've spent huge portions of today crying for no discernible reason other than I'm sad. I'd hoped that I'd be a bit less prone to that after 6 weeks but I seek to be worse if anything - although reaching the school holidays and therefore having time to think probably isn't helping with that!

Morning everyone..been lurking here! So sorry for all your losses my mum died young, 20 years ago of breast cancer. We have recently discovered my dad has stomach cancer with months to live. He lives 300 miles from me and I have a young family. I'm trying to balance it all and feeling really guilty. The diagnosis has come as a massive unexpected shock. We now have to face the deterioration in him, like mum, which still haunts me to this day. I have already started withdrawing from friends as they say stupid things, don't know what to say etc. It really surprises you doesn't it how people behave when it hits the fan.
The magnitude of facing life without him is just too much.
Lots of love to you all, ❤ sorry for your losses x

So sorry @Misspollyhadadolly92 that is really tough with the distance have you any siblings ? Hoping you have a supportive husband x

Misspollyhadadolly92
Am sorry to hear what you are going through am wondering if your dad could relocate to you if that would even be realistically possible of course he would need to want to move too?

Time is so precious particularly under the circumstances. 300 miles is such a long way I hope that you can maybe even manage a wee visit at some point. It's even difficult travelling these days. Nothing ever seems to be easy in the current climate.
Am sorry that you lost your mum when she and you were so young this must have been very difficult. I have lost my mum at 43 and it feels likes she's been snatched away from me way too early.
My mum's biggest fear was not seeing her family again and after a quick sudden illness that resulted in her passing away that is exactly what has happened. It's nearly been 4 months and I still can't get my head around the fact that my mum is no longer with us. It just seems incomprehensible that this is has happened and that she is no longer alive and living her life like the rest of us. I feel really sad for her and for me, my kids and everyone who loves my mum we all miss her so much.

I hope you get to see you dad again soon

I asked my dad 2 weeks ago not to write his new partners name in cards for me it's too painful he sent me a shitty msg back saying he would continue to do so I told him don't send anything
It's my daughters first birthday tomorrow so I opened the card from him today as to not cause me any upset and low and behold it has her name in so I have written him a letter saying I am going no contact . I feel a weight has been lifted

Happy 1st Birthday to your little one mrssunshine

I hope today hasn't been too bittersweet for you.

FWIW, I think your dad is being an inconsiderate arsehole and I hope he realises this soon and tries all he can to make amends to you. Like you aren't suffering enough.

My dad had decided to downsize and leave our family home, which has come as a bit of shock (of course it won't be immediate but still.....) I've not lived there for almost 2 decades but it was my mum's home. Her sanctuary and safe place (she had anxiety, suffered panic attacks and was virtually agoraphobic when the pandemic kicked in). She also died in that house.

Mum's mental health was dire the past few years but our family home was a happy, positive and joyful place when we were all growing up there.

Feels like yet another big change to cope with. When I've had enough change to last a lifetime.

@RaspberryMojito it happens a lot. I lost both parents in about six months and found I wasn't grieving how I had expected to. I posted here about it and spoke to some friends. Long story short it just seems to be that way for some people, and sometimes the grief comes later in dribs and drabs.

Apologies for falling off the thread slightly but just caught up. So sorry to hear your news @Misspollyhadadolly92. As others have said, is there any way your Dad could or would be able to move any closer to you? None of these decisions is easy but that distance makes things so difficult - I sympathise as my mum was a couple of hundred miles away from me and I can't begin to calculate how often I did that journey.

@mrssunshinexxx my goodness....your dad just isn't listening, is he? I think you've made the right decision to step away for now. Happy birthday to your little one for tomorrow, I hope you can do something nice.

As for @Crunchymum - I do so feel for you. Houses can be special and that bond with beloved places runs deep. Wishing you strength to get through that next stage, it must feel terribly upsetting, like another loss.

Hello. I don't think I've posted on these threads before. My DM died last summer and today would have been her birthday.

In general I have been very much on an even keel about it all and have never been someone to go in for remembering dates/anniversaries etc. But I've struggled a bit this week.

It's probably not helping that were spending tomorrow and Sunday at the in-laws who both have big birthdays just now. I've ended up doing a fair bit of the planning and organising for this and not minded a bit except this week suddenly felt very resentful that I'm doing this for them when I don't have my parents any more. That's not like me and doesn't make me like myself much.

Crunchymum

That must be really difficult letting go of another part of your mum. Probably your dad needs a change of scenery he maybe thinks selling the family home will help him with his grieving. I feel the same way about the house my dad lives in although my mum hasn't actually lived there for 10 years the house its still filled with memories of mum and some things remain untouched like ornaments and curtains they are the ones that mum chose herself from the shops. I'd hate to see them go it would be like letting go of another part of mum.

Today has been a bad day I feel awful today. The call that I have been dreading came in from the care inspector to say that there were failings with mum's care. I knew that there was even though other people were saying that it sounded like everything was done for mum that could have been. I feel completely devastated to know that the slow actions and lack of monitoring by these heath care professional may have contributed in my mum's death. There were delays in the nursing staff seeking medical help from the GP of more than 24 hours. They justify this by saying that the redness in my mum's legs were "normal" for her but actually in truth they failed her. They failed to get her help when she needed it the most. I literally feel sick to my stomach and feel like I have failed mum too. I put my trust in those people to care for mum and they never did. Am awaiting the final report and will likely receive this by Monday but I don't want to read it. Apparently "i'll find it upsetting" bloody right I will the bastards that took my lovely mm I'm away from me with her being just 66 years old. They won't even admit to any wrong doing which makes it all the more worse.

I want my mum back I should have cared for her myself and then she would have got the best care from me not from strangers who clearly couldn't give a shit about her.

Am due to go on holiday tomorrow with my husband and kids now I think what's the point. Why should I be happy when my mum is dead under the ground. This is just so unfair and it should be ever have happened. I can't get anyone to tell me straight if these delays in seeking help and lack of monitoring would have resulted in a different outcome for mum the best I have had was the consultant from the hospital saying "maybe" noone what to put their name to that omission even if it wasn't their responsibility but I now feel that I have all the evidence that I need right in this report. Once I have read it thoroughly am considering legal action. It won't bring mum back I owe it to her to keep fighting for her it is all there is left.

I feel like such as failure as a daughter.

FreezerBird

I get why you would feel that resentment it's not because you are a bad person it is just because of the injustice of loosing your own parents. I feel that way about my mother in law my husband is so lucky to still have his mum alive. I don't want anything to happen to her of course but I cannot help feeling envious. I feel that way about anyone who still has their mum with them. I think it's normal to feel like that. Hugs x

I'm so very sorry, @Ttc42nearly43. That's devastating for you to hear and you must be feeling in turmoil.

To an extent I have similar feelings; Mum came back from hospital with an unexplained (dressed) wound on her leg and we'll never know what caused it. One of the nurses had asked me on the phone while she was in there 'What's going on with her legs?' and I was puzzled because I didn't know exactly what they were asking me - at her age she had very thin, delicate skin on her shins which was painful for her and it needed to be moisturised and touched very delicately. But it was fine, no tears or anything and she just had to be careful. That was all they said, no other explanation of what they wanted to know or why they were asking.

But obviously someone in hospital had rubbed her poor legs too roughly and the skin had just split open. It was so terribly upsetting to see and I too feel all the guilt and anger that she wasn't taken care of very well in there. Not the way I would have looked after her. I was always so gentle and careful with everything like that. And they wouldn't let me visit her because of Covid. She was all on her own there. It makes me so devastated to think of it. I'm sure you feel exactly the same mixture of rage, grief and awful powerlessness.

Today feels impossible so far. The shock of what's happened and not having my mum anymore. It's been less than two weeks. I sometimes think I won't cope with this, this will kill me. I have two children under 4 so this can't kill me but omg it feels like it's going to.

@Ttc42nearly43

What horrific news. I'm so very sorry. This death malarkey is the gift that keeps on giving.

I hope now the news has settled in, you are able to get away and have a break... even if you don't have the "best" holiday.

Whenever I do something that makes me happy (post losing mum) and this horrible feeling of guilt creep in "how can I be enjoying this when mum is dead" I actually think 'what would mum want?' and I know in my bones that my mum would want us all to be happy and to do fun things, to take trips and holidays, to build happy memories for her grandchildren. It helps when I think like this.

@kittlesticks it is still such early, early days. In those first few week after losing mum I felt like I'd never been able to go on, that I was irreversibly broken. I know it doesn't help you now but I promise it does get easier. It doesn't hurt less but you learn to cope with it differently? I too have a young family and I found them a very welcome distraction. A reason to get up each morning and get through the day.

@FreezerBird I adore my inlaws but there was no way I was able to think about MIL birthday gifts or buy a mum and dad Christmas card etc. I just couldn't. Not sure if I ever will be able to, but I know that's okay.

@RaspberryMojito. No, I felt/ feel the same about my mum. She died three weeks ago, we had the funeral yesterday and I think that’s the first time I really cried grief teats not shock tears if you know what I mean. There’s a reason we do what we do, after all. I think for some of us it takes a while to sink in. Today I’m actually much more sad, it comes over me in waves. I’m so exhausted like I’ve been carrying a weight, my shoulders actually ache. But I also feel a bit unanchored like I could fly away. Grief is so individual I don’t think there is ever a right way to feel. It doesn’t mean you loved them less but your brain is processing it all your way.
My DP is being great, I hope you have someone to lean on too. Eat properly, keep hydrated, sleep when you need to, keep doing little bits of self care, a nice bath, whatever. Cry, laugh, reminisce, do sport, go outside - do whatever you need to. Only you know. I think it will hit hard sometime, but in waves for me so far. More now after seeing her wee coffin, so small and so final.
People here have been so kind an nonjudgmental so I hope you find comfort too. 💐

Thank you @Crunchymum @Brillig we managed to have an nice day but I was very emotional. I've sent a long message to my dad saying I am going no contact now anxiously waiting to see if he relies or just leaves it really hope he just leaves it not sure whether to just block his number?
Just really wish we didn't live so close by

Feel for you re selling the family home sadly mine doesn't feel I like my mums anymore now he has another woman living there still can't get my head around it all it's just madness x

@FluffyFluffyClouds @Sonoportafortuna Thank you both for your kind words. I’m sat in floods of tears tonight listening to the hymns and songs we’ve chosen for the funeral so it’s definitely coming in waves.

Crunchymum and Brillig

Thank you for your response am waiting on the full report coming in and dreading reading about the failures in my mum's care. I often wonder had they done their jobs correctly would mum still be alive. I was at the cemetery moving the bedding plants which I planted a while back as am expecting the council to lay the foundations for mum's headstone. This is getting so real now. What are you meant to do with all of this sadness and longing? I went into lockdown pregnant with my 3rd child and my mum alive and well now we're are apparently "coming out if lockdown" and I don't have my baby as I had an early miscarriage and I also do not have a mum anymore. How are you meant to emerge from this with any hope for the future?

RaspberryMojito

You will get through the day I cried the whole time literally sobbing when mum went into the ground. It was just awful but sadly something that you will need to go through. It all felt surreal like it was happening to someone else. Sitting in the church looking at mum's coffin not daring to register that mum was inside. I had my daughter with my she's 7 and she insisted on coming to her grannies funeral. I wasn't sure about it and I know my husband was against her coming but she was seriously distraught at the thought of not being allowed to say her final goodbye. I spoke to the minister who took mum's service and he said to me why not, why shouldn't children be allowed to say goodbye. In his opinion my daughter had as much right to be there as anyone else. I never thought of it that way before but it makes sense.

My thoughts are with you on the day you'll get through it there simply is no other option.

I found the anticipation about the funeral worse than the event. As funerals go, my Mum had a good one. Numbers were limited due to Covid so we opted for immediate family only. There were 9 of us but it was intimate and actually not all that sad. I don't think my dad, my sister, my brother or I shed a tear (my youngest brother an adult not a child sobbed like a baby, bless him!).

It would have been what mum wanted - barring the sobbing. Her favorite songs, a summary of her life and the things she loved and then off to toast her in my brothers garden. Was a beautiful autumnal day and I know Mum would have been happy with what we did.

The days leading up to it though. Fuck me, they were bleak days.

I choose the readings, wrote the eulogy and liased with the celebrant (with the blessing of my dad and 3 siblings) and we all knew the songs without discussion. We didn't go for traditionally sad, we played her faves and if I hear them now, I smile and sing along.

Sorry, I've gone off on a reverie there. Upshot is the funeral is probably the second hardest day you'll have but you get through that too. These early days are just a series of shit things, you don't want to do, but have to.

It's insane isn't Ttc42nearly43 how much has been lost to us all since March 2020. I wasn't my best pre lockdown (was having CBT for anxiety and I'd struggled to come to terms with DC3 disability and prognosis... she is grand but yeah she'll have a different path thanwe expected) but I feel like a completely different person now. And not for the better.

Sorry to hear about your baby loss. I suffered with recurrent miscarriage so I know how hard it is.

Sorry I'm not great at keeping up. This is such a supportive thread. I'm so sorry for all the difficulties people are going through. Ttc42nearly43- I can't find them words- how absolutely awful for you to read all that about your poor mum. Try not to be hard on yourself, I am sure we would do lots of things differently if we could turn back the clock. It sounds likeban incredibly painful thing to go through, I'm sorry your mum experienced such bad care.

Miss sunshine- your dad sounds so insensitive, he should have listened to you. How hurtful.
Freezerbird- sale of the family home is incredibly sad, there's something so comforting about it 😢

I have been to see my dad this week and home now, he's not great. I can't move him near me as he loves his little house it would be so upsetting for him. I would love to have him near though.

Crunchymum-I can relate to the guilt, how can I go for lunch when he's lying in his bed deteriorating with cancer? It just scoops my insides out. If I didn't have my child I don't really know how I would carry on. I know the pain lasts a lifetime. After my mum died I just spiralled.

Lots of love to you all- I am trying to live in the moment as its just about all I can manage. Finding it hard with friends, everyone has their sh1t going on but I just feel so negative, like I have to put a smile on as no-one wants to listen to it

Xxxx

It's hard to namecheck everyone so I'll just send a general supportive hello to all.

@Ttc42nearly43 it's so incredibly hard that you lost your mum and your baby too. Looking back on things it seems like standing on the other side of a chasm sometimes, doesn't it? - as though the earth has opened up and the 'you' on the other side is from another time and place entirely.

I honestly don't know how to answer your question about hope for the future. I want to get some back but it's still hard. Most days I'm just going moment by moment. I had a real setback last week after reading something on another thread here - someone who'd called 999 for an elderly relative and probably saved their life. It took me right back to all the terrible searing guilt over whether I could have done more for my mum (though in reality probably not) and I just sobbed and sobbed. I'd thought I'd got past that guilt phase but evidently not. I still feel I failed her, it's as though I'll never be able to live with it.

@Ttc42nearly43 everyone is different and copes with grief differently but I know quite certainly my heart will forever be broken. Life will go on but it won't be as good. I can't say that out loud to most people becagse they wouldn't understand they would think I aren't grateful for my healthy children and husband and lovely home- I am. But I want my mum she was everything to me. She's gone too soon