For Anyone Needing Support After Losing A Parent. Very Supportive Thread

[Mummylin]

Luckily I was keeping my eye on the thread so it would of been ok. Hopefully this new thread will once again bring comfort to newly bereaved.
To the newest posters, I wish you all the best in the coming weeks / months.
And to the longer term posters, thankyou for being such a support to each other. 💐

@Ttc42nearly43 thank you and I'm so sorry for your situation too, that must have been one hell of a shock. My dad's decline started back in Jan 2019 when he had a catastrophic fall and broke 4 vertebrae and I remember his first couple of weeks in hospital only too well.

We were fortunate that he came home after 2 months but never regained full health or his confidence, and started going downhill towards the end of the year. When we lost his younger brother last February he seemed to just give up.

I suppose I have lost him gradually I have done a certain amount of grieving already, but it feels wrong that I'm not totally distraught.

We were so close and I loved him so much, yet I've barely cried.

@MintyCedric

Yes it was indeed a real shock my mum was only old 66. She had a cellulitis infection in her right leg which the infection got so bad even though they were treating it her body reacted to the infection and drs spoke about her having sepsis and then mums kidneys failed completely.

When my mum was able to speak to me she said that she was scared she was going to die. I think about her saying that often even now and I tried my best to comfort her barley leaving her since for the 9 days which she gradually deteriorated.

Try not to worry about not crying everyone grieves differently. I was like a crazy person for about 2 months crying all of the time and I became so needy having to meet people or talk on the phone. I just needed to release the pain which for me came out through crying a lot. Am more stable now and now am trying to be a better mum to my kids am trying to be a better person not that I was a bad person or mum before but am trying to be more like my mum she was such a kind person and brought me and my sister up really well. I keep thinking that when my nanna died my mum's mum my mum carried on with life from what I recall with relative ease and she did that because she was strong for us so am trying to take after her as mum would want me to keep living my life she was always concerned that I wasn't ok and worried about me unnecessarily. Your dad would want the same for you to keep living and look after yourself and your mum. In the beginning I felt that there was nothing to live for and even at one point wondered if I should end my life because the pain was so much to cope I really couldn't bare it but with support from family and friends I got through the worse of it. Am still grieving mum and I have accepted that my grief will last for the rest of my life but will likely come and go hopefully not too as intense as it has been.

I did find it useful to read up on the cruse website on loosing a parent they have a lot of information on there:

www.cruse.org.uk/

It is incredibly painful what you are going through and maybe what is happening for you right now is you are in shock you may find that the crying will come later but then again maybe it won't and that's ok. It doesn't mean that you love your dad any less. Try to go easy on yourself honestly there is no textbook right or wrong way on how you should react when you loose a parent. What is helping me at the moment is knowing that so long as am alive and my kids are alive and my sister mum in a way lives on too as we are all part of her as she made me and my sister and I made my kids. Your dad lives on through you as you are part of him and nothing with ever change that.

Take care

Well I saw in laws this morning which I never look forward to and Bil came out with ' don't you think you need to start getting better ' this is the stupidity I'm dealing with.
Don't know about anyone else but I feel even worse when the sun is shining walking with the pram
And can hear people laughing and joking in their gardens having bbqs my mum lover the sun it's so painful just crying whilst I walking along I feel
So weak it hurts so much I don't know what I expected 13 months on but it's still just as raw as day 1

Just wanted to say thank you for your kind comments, I really value them atm. I don't honestly know when or if I'll ever smile or laugh again, I do when I'm playing with the little one but then I snap back into reality. It's as though Im still living in lockdown ,. I just can't think of going out and about like before.

@mrssunshinexxx

Well I saw in laws this morning which I never look forward to and Bil came out with ' don't you think you need to start getting better ' this is the stupidity I'm dealing with. Don't know about anyone else but I feel even worse when the sun is shining walking with the pram And can hear people laughing and joking in their gardens having bbqs my mum lover the sun it's so painful just crying whilst I walking along I feel So weak it hurts so much I don't know what I expected 13 months on but it's still just as raw as day 1

Your partner can say this because both of his parents are still alive and he hasn't got a clue what you are going through. The sunshine does bring sadness I agree my mum loved the sun it's an awful thing to think of my mum buried in the ground it's really disturbing but I can't let my mind go there it's just too painful. Am finding am coping better these days by trying not to think about mum as much. It's really difficult am not forgetting her not in the least she still dominates my thoughts every single day but I try not to go to the dark places anymore and try to focus on other things. It seems crazy but while am still off work I have started upcycling old bits of furniture in my house. So far my bookcase is now dusky pink and the kids dining chairs are now a duck egg colour. Am going to start on the dining room table today. It probably utterly pointless but it's giving me something to do. I have discovered a great paint range called French Chic they have some beautiful colours so am painting away like made nothing is safe from my paint brush. Mum loved colours so am trying to make my home colourful and am finding the monotony of applying paint therapeutic and in turn hopefully my furniture will see the benefit. Just a suggestion but give it a go anything is worth a try I'd say. Don't feel bad that you are still hurting this is because you love your mum so much she was lucky to have such a caring daughter. Can you remind me did you ever seek counselling might be worth a go too? xx

@Laundrydragon

Just wanted to say thank you for your kind comments, I really value them atm. I don't honestly know when or if I'll ever smile or laugh again, I do when I'm playing with the little one but then I snap back into reality. It's as though Im still living in lockdown ,. I just can't think of going out and about like before.

If you can try to think about what your mum would say to you right now. Am guessing that she wouldn't want you to be feeling so sad. A good friend of mine said something to me a while back that has stuck with she she said "you don't want your kids to remember that their granny died then mummy was always sad". It's true I can't be sad all the time it's not fair them. Your mum lives on through you and your little one there is a generic link right there. I know that all we want is our mum back my son made a wish the other day that his granny would come alive again it just about crushed my heart. Try to live your life how your mum would make you to live it. Reach out to a friend book a table in a restaurant maybe an outdoor bar meal or something and try to enjoy yourself. I know it seems impossible but you still need to go on living there is actually no other option for us we either sink or swim. Make your mum proud and try not to get stuck where you are you have your mums genes so use them to help yourself as she would want you to.

Hey @Ttc42nearly43 it was my brother in law that said that not my husband he never would he shares some of my pain he really loved her. I had counselling right at the start but it wasn't for me. Oh that sounds like a good thing to keep busy. I am also doing diy at the moment lots to do as baby number 2 is on the way. X

I know what you mean about not thinking dark things they can really take over @Ttc42nearly43 my mum was cremated so I don't want to be too graphic but yeah I imagine it and when spreading the ashes I was literally hyperventilating thinking about what was actually in between my fingers. It's brutal this life sometimes to some people

Hi everyone I feel quite low today I keep looking at pictures not necessary pictures with my mum in them but you know how Google sends you reminders of this time in previous years. I keep looking at the dates thinking when this picture was taken my mum was alive and wishing with all of my heart that I could go back in time back to the date the pictures were taken and I had a mum alive and well. It seems so cruel that my mum was taken at just 66 years old. Do you know the biggest things I miss about mum is sharing my life with her. Just little things like sending her photos of me and the kids doing stuff. I miss mum calling me and checking if am ok. No one does this anymore or certainty not every day like mum used to. Its funny as I used to get annoyed at mum calling me every day usually right in the middle of dinner time or the kids bath time. I can't understand why I used to sometimes get annoyed at her for calling me am such a horrible person. I feel like I wasn't a good daughter. I tried to be but I should have been kinder and more patient. I hope that my mum knew how much I loved her. I miss her so much xx

I feel the same @Ttc42nearly43 it's blunt but I don't think anyone will ever care about me or love me like my mum did that bond if you have a good one like we were lucky to it totally unconditional don't really have any advise . Do you have good friends ? X

There's nothing stupid about it I think no matter how old we get we always want our mum/ dad. Especially hard for you losing your mum as a child I really feel for you @Motherlandismylife sometimes I feel so guilty as I wish it had been my dad not my mum that died I think it most days but mine and my dads relationship is not good these days and was never anywhere near on a level that mine and mums was I miss her honestly every moment x

@MintyCedric I lurk on the Elderly Parents board, and so I recognise you from there.

I was in a similar position about a year and a half ago, but it was my Mum who'd had years of uncertain health and in the end they just couldn't fix her. I loved her dearly and she me, so I was very disturbed when I failed to be suitably grief stricken. I posted on here and apparently, it does sometimes happen that way. It's not just you!

I felt really awkward though sitting dry-eyed at her memorial. I wished I could cry but I was just calm and numb.

I do miss her. Like PPs said, no-one is as interested in your well-being and life as your Mum.

Anyway it's not abnormal if that helps.

@mrssunshinexxx

I feel the same *@Ttc42nearly43* it's blunt but I don't think anyone will ever care about me or love me like my mum did that bond if you have a good one like we were lucky to it totally unconditional don't really have any advise . Do you have good friends ? X

Yes I do I have some good friends but it's just not the same they are all busy with work and their own lives. I'm more in touch with my aunt now since my mum died she's my mum's older sister. It's weird tho as I think that she's just keeping in touch out if moral obligation I don't know if she genuinely cares or if she just feels that she has to step in at a certain level for her sister. When I see her it's nice as she reminds me of mum but it's also upsetting if that makes sense as she's not my mum. I envy my cousin who still has her mum but then my cousin's dad died unexpectedly when her was 60 years old so I know it's unfair to feel envious as I still have my dad but my relationship with my dad is different to my mum I don't confide in him on personal matters and he doesn't just phone me for a chat and the check how things are going. Mum used to do that but it doesn't seem to come naturally to my dad I guess he's just not used to being a material parent I get that. Sometimes I think to myself there are other people who I can share my life with but the only person I want is to share it with my mum xx

“Like PPs said, no-one is as interested in your well-being and life as your Mum.”
So much this. Mum died in April and I feel adrift (dad a few years ago). I’m lucky to have siblings, husband, children, friends, but there’s no one who cares for me - looks out for me, fights for me, loves me - like my mum did. Miss her so much.

Hi
My dad died when I was a child, my mum on Wed. She’d been slipping into dementia and we’d persuaded her to go into hospital for assessment in April. She was discharged to a home temporarily and finally into a nice home two weeks ago.
It’s been hellish. She kept begging to go home, we couldn’t see her for weeks due to having to quarantine twice, couldn’t visit her inside so had to bellow personal things from doorways with staff listening in, she was too deaf to phone….
Finally she got infection after infection, I could visit but no one else could so no to my sibling, her friends….. she didn’t recognise me latterly. I just told her my news, my wedding plans, my nephew getting his degree, but no sign she heard.
I feel numb. Not sad, not anything. The weeks of calls, emergencies, then the weeks of social workers, hospital wards never answering phones, no visits, more moves, endless assessments, benefit forms, yelling doorway or window visits, her in tears begging me to take her home, then more wards, isolations, her lying moaning and not recognising me….. I felt I lost her months ago. Just so tired now. Can’t really say it feels different except the endless calls/no pick ups are the registrar office because we can’t go in, the carehome as we can’t get her stuff, the hospital again to get medical cert…. Still fighting, still dealing with days disrupted, having to apologise to colleagues as my mobile goes AGAIN with mum related stuff…..
Am I just selfish and hard? I don’t seem to feel the grief people report here. I’m just so tired.

@Itsallabouttheparsley

Hi My dad died when I was a child, my mum on Wed. She’d been slipping into dementia and we’d persuaded her to go into hospital for assessment in April. She was discharged to a home temporarily and finally into a nice home two weeks ago. It’s been hellish. She kept begging to go home, we couldn’t see her for weeks due to having to quarantine twice, couldn’t visit her inside so had to bellow personal things from doorways with staff listening in, she was too deaf to phone…. Finally she got infection after infection, I could visit but no one else could so no to my sibling, her friends….. she didn’t recognise me latterly. I just told her my news, my wedding plans, my nephew getting his degree, but no sign she heard. I feel numb. Not sad, not anything. The weeks of calls, emergencies, then the weeks of social workers, hospital wards never answering phones, no visits, more moves, endless assessments, benefit forms, yelling doorway or window visits, her in tears begging me to take her home, then more wards, isolations, her lying moaning and not recognising me….. I felt I lost her months ago. Just so tired now. Can’t really say it feels different except the endless calls/no pick ups are the registrar office because we can’t go in, the carehome as we can’t get her stuff, the hospital again to get medical cert…. Still fighting, still dealing with days disrupted, having to apologise to colleagues as my mobile goes AGAIN with mum related stuff….. Am I just selfish and hard? I don’t seem to feel the grief people report here. I’m just so tired.

Don't feel like you are being selfish my mum took up a lot of my time too. Sometimes I used to get annoyed at her for all the phone calls when I was at work or busy with the kids. My mum was a bit obsessed with her mobile phone and used to call and text me a lot but I never used to grudge her any formal intervention with social workers or medical professionals as I know from professional experience that when you are a resident in a care home it is sometimes very difficult to be heard by staff. It sounds like you did everything you could for your mum. My mum died aged 66 in hospital following a nasty leg infection which resulted in kidney failure. Mum was in the hospital for 11 days and I fought my way into the acute medical unit on day 2 of her admission as like you I was fed up no getting enough information over the phone. I basically just turned up at the ward and refused to leave. I had full PPE on more than the nurses in fact so I managed to get my foot over the door. My mum was also a resident in a care home and am currently awaiting the outcome of a care inspector investigation as I feel that they were delayed in getting my mum medical treatment from the infection. What I found in the first weeks and mum died was guilt eating away at me. Me thinking that I should have had mum with me at home and I would have had she and my husband got along which they didn't for years. Unlike yours my mum had capacity so I can only imagine how difficult this was for you and your mum when she was diagnosed with dementia. Due to the Covid restrictions anyone who has had a loved one unwell in hospital has been hit with a brick wall trying to get access to them. I feel for your situation and what I can say is if you have any questions you can contact the NHS patient support service and request a meeting with one of the consultants who was dealing with your mum in hospital. I did this and it was helpful to go over things again. It doesn't change the outcome but its a way to try to get your thoughts straight if this is possible. Am still fighting for my mum I have also lodged a complaint to the Scottish ombudsman in regards to her GP they never even bothered to visit her at the home. I feel sick waiting on the outcome of the investigations I have no idea what I will do if my complaints are upheld. In a way I hope that they are not them maybe I will have a little piece of mind that everything was done for my mum that could have been done. Acceptance is what am struggling with even 3 months down the line it still doesn't feel real that she's gone forever. I think about her all of the time. For you once everything calms down and the dust settles this will probably be the time for you to grieve for your mums passing. Am sorry for your loss. Loosing your mum is a major loss. My councellor has said my grief is more than most but I don't think that she has been on Mumsnet to read the responses from real people who are hurting just as much as I'm. Take care

@DowntheTown

*“Like PPs said, no-one is as interested in your well-being and life as your Mum.”* So much this. Mum died in April and I feel adrift (dad a few years ago). I’m lucky to have siblings, husband, children, friends, but there’s no one who cares for me - looks out for me, fights for me, loves me - like my mum did. Miss her so much.

Am missing sharing my life with my mum she was interested in everything that me and the kids did. I miss sending her pictures and videos of us and having conversations about how the kids are getting on and what's happening with my life. If course we spoke about mum and other people but mostly she was interested in me. I get how your feeling I call my dad more often now am trying to fill a gap but he's not a big talker like mum she always had something to say. I miss her so much too. Am the only one who visits mum at the cemetery but that doesn't surprise me as I always showed up for her and always had her back but sometimes I think I would be nice for other family members to visit too but no one else can face going. I have flowers planted and lovely ornaments and a windchime everything that mum liked is there.

I get it Ttc42nearly43 - my mum always had something to say too. Could - and would - start a conversation with anyone!

@Itsallabouttheparsley I'm so sorry to hear about your mum and the distressing time leading up to her death. I think you're probably just totally exhausted. It sounds as though you've been through the mill for months and in some sense I think you have to build up a protective shield just to deal with these incredibly upsetting events and get through them on a practical level.

Don't beat yourself up about anything. Emotions are weird things and you react in your own way. It's all absolutely fine to feel exactly what you feel.

I'm almost 9 months down the line from losing my mum and at the start I was completely stunned: I just couldn't believe it. I'm still processing it now and only started counselling a few weeks ago. All my emotions are still changing. It's a long road, I suspect a never ending one, but I hope it will get better.

Take care of yourself.

Thank you @Brillig and @Ttc42nearly43 I just can’t seem to feel the grief like I felt when she first lost her ability to remember things, when she started calling us at 3am because she didn’t know the time or because she was convinced there was someone in the house, when she started hiding everything, and blaming and abusing the carers - my mum was the kindest, most polite person I ever met!
I lost her bit by bit. I cried my eyes out that she was disappearing before my eyes, that this woman I was caring for wasn’t her. My DP had permanently tear stained T-shirts because I’d come home and just sob on him without taking off my coat sometimes.
So why am I just doing what I’ve been doing for the last few weeks, dealing with bureaucracy, and not feeling the loss? My mum isn’t here, I’ll never hear her voice again, never have a laugh with her til the tears are pouring down our faces… but I couldn’t anyway. She wasn’t speaking just making noises, didn’t recognise me, didn’t react to my voice. I wonder if I’ve done some of the grieving months ago and now I just need to accept the finality of it. Like you say that might be months down the line, like my wedding day, or Christmas, when I realise she’s really, truly not there.

@Itsallabouttheparsley It sounds very much as though you’re right and a lot of that intense grieving happened much earlier on. You truly lost your mum then, when dementia claimed her. It’s a horrible thing. I feel so keenly for you because my dad also had dementia and quite honestly, a large part of me felt glad that he was finally at peace when he died. It was awful that he’d died, of course, but the real him had gone by then.

You have grieved. You haven’t done anything wrong. You’re moving through the process of loss and just dealing with it in your way

@Itsallabouttheparsley when I lost my Mum, at first I accepted it because she had been so, so unwell and they had been unable to cure her. In the last few days I remember thinking, "Oh my dear, this is no life for you," as the discomfort and indignity piled up and she became unable to do any (at all) of the things she enjoyed.

However, more than a year later I find myself mourning all the people she had been throughout her life. We are all Russian dolls in a sense, all the people we are at different ages still contained inside the outer shell of our oldest self.

I was quite calm when she passed away and felt fulfillment in carrying out the final duties - burial, wake, probate, planting her grave etc.
Now I have got to the point where I'm sorting through her personal items that I remember well from my own childhood and this, OMG it's so hard, because these things are inextricably linked with who she was when she was actually raising me.
We all expect to lose our elderly parents as their bodies fail, but losing a parent in childhood is considered a tragedy.
Inside me is the child I was, and inside Mum was the mother she was, and now she's gone my inner child has lost her mother. I'm just coming to terms with that brutal fact.

...I should add I inadvertently had something with caffeine in for tea.... Not normally up at this hour

Inside me is the child I was, and inside Mum was the mother she was, and now she's gone my inner child has lost her mother. I'm just coming to terms with that brutal fact

Beautifully and eloquently put, Fluffy