For Anyone Needing Support After Losing A Parent. Very Supportive Thread

[Mummylin]

Luckily I was keeping my eye on the thread so it would of been ok. Hopefully this new thread will once again bring comfort to newly bereaved.
To the newest posters, I wish you all the best in the coming weeks / months.
And to the longer term posters, thankyou for being such a support to each other. 💐

[quote mrssunshinexxx]@Ttc42nearly43 it's just awful isn't it yes your children are so young I wonder if they will remember her I hope they do. I don't even have one picture of her holding my baby. Both my sisters had kids a while ago so she helped with childcare etc
It must of been so so tough to see her deteriorate nothing can ever prepare us for losing our precious mums. I'm crying my eyes out just typing this it's been a year and it's still just as hard as ever. It's exhausting. I've cried multiple times every day for a year it's just so hard.
Completely agree about covid it has ruined so much for so many and for so many people they lost loved ones this year and hadn't been near them for so long I can't remember the last time I hugged my mum, gutted. Then the next time I got to touch her and kiss her she was in a coffin
So brutal. I don't even know if I did the right thing going to the chapel of rest I feel haunted by it not a day goes by when I don't picture her there laying lifeless and cold[/quote]
Some people don't go I think it is an entirely personal thing I went with my sister, dad and neice to see my mum the first time at the funeral home. I then went back again on mothers day with my sister but after that it was just me and mum it was too much for everyone else they couldn't bare seeing mum like that. I couldn't bare it either but I went another 2 times for mum because she hates being alone. I couldn't rest at home thinking of mum alone in the room waiting to be buried and no one bothering to visit her plus I knew that this was the very last time that I would ever be able to kiss her or touch her skin. I agree it is a haunting image one that is right at the front of my mind but I try to remember the reason why I went there. I showed up for mum as I always did throughout her life no matter what if she needed me I was there. Maybe try to think of seeing your mum in the chapel of rest in this way that you were there for her because you love her so much and you went there for her not yourself because that was how deep your love for her goes that you would put yourself in a situation that you knew would be the most difficult thing for you to do in all your life but you did regardless for your mum. I knew I was going to have to live with those images and I do every day as it is still so fresh in my mind but it would have been worse to know that I had abandoned her and never went to see her. My mum left me through no fault of her own she was cruelly snatched away for living her life and enjoying her family.
Sometimes I try to imagine what mum would have been like if it was me who died and I know that she would have turned up for me too no matter how painful that would have been for her.

You have mentioned that you are a year on after your mums passing this feels like a huge marathon for me I can't imagine where I will be in a year's time. Likely I will be on the same page as yourself still hurting desperately with no where for the pain to go. Try to get some rest am going to bed now. Sleep is my only saving grace where my mind is given the chance to shutdown for a bit only for the sadness to start all over again the next again day it's a bit like going round and round in circles and ending up back at where you started. Take care xx

@Ttc42nearly43 yes that's a good way to think of it I did show up for her always she had a tough life bless her with lots of loss and sadness herself. Our mums couldn't/ shouldn't of lost us their children your children just aren't meant to go before you it would of killed them. My mums sister got hit by a bus and killed at 12 years old and she said her mum was never ever the same again she was a wreck of her former self for the rest of her life which is understandable but hard when you have 3 other kids you just couldn't get a grip for. I get sad when I think about mums life she deserves so much better.

Sleep at the beginning for me was awful my husband would have to shake me to wake me up I would be sobbing and screaming her name in my sleep. Grief is the most hideous misunderstood emotion in this world x

[quote mrssunshinexxx]@Ttc42nearly43 yes that's a good way to think of it I did show up for her always she had a tough life bless her with lots of loss and sadness herself. Our mums couldn't/ shouldn't of lost us their children your children just aren't meant to go before you it would of killed them. My mums sister got hit by a bus and killed at 12 years old and she said her mum was never ever the same again she was a wreck of her former self for the rest of her life which is understandable but hard when you have 3 other kids you just couldn't get a grip for. I get sad when I think about mums life she deserves so much better.

Sleep at the beginning for me was awful my husband would have to shake me to wake me up I would be sobbing and screaming her name in my sleep. Grief is the most hideous misunderstood emotion in this world x[/quote]
It must be horrendous to loose a child there are children buried near my mum and it doesn't bear thinking about how that must feel. I agree that grief changes you forever. I know I will never be the same again. I think about mum all of the time am just so desperate to speak with her. I used to call her and talk about things going on at work or at home with the kids. Anything and everything really and mum would always be there to listen without judgement and be in my corner. I think I will miss this the most about mum the fact that she loved me unconditionally and took a genuine interest in my life. I have other people to talk to like my dad and sister but it's not the same as speaking to my mum. The advice is different and mum always seemed to know what to say to make things ok and she would let me moan and groan about life without loosing interest. I remember nearly 3 years ago when my Labrador died mum listened to me for hours crying down the phone she was amazing. My 2nd Labrador is 12 years old and am already thinking what will happen when she dies who will support me who will listen to me crying for hours? It might sounds really selfish but am sad that I don't have the support I had from my mum she was always the person I could turn to in a time if need as was I for her. We were so close I don't think that anyone does or could ever love me as much as my mum loved me. How am I meant to love my life without mum in it? I know I have no choice but it seems impossible as the weeks go by that mum is no longer with me she is no longer living and breathing like I'm and I think how is that right how is that fair. I hate to see mother's and their daughters I feel envious of people who still have their mum with them.

Just checking in to say Hi and see how we are all faring.

@mrssunshinexxx well done for getting through the anniversary.
I know when I get there I'll be a mess. Got a few difficult / triggering things coming up (going on holiday, back to the same place we went in early Sept 2020 and mum died a few weeks later - the last pictures she ever saw of me and the kids was on the beach and we'll be back there in a few weeks) and then it's my birthday. My first without my mum.

But I'm alright. Plodding on. Coping!

Thanks for checking in Crunchymum. Good to hear that you’re coping - sometimes that’s the best we can do. Having a wobbly few days here myself, having visited Mum’s house again. It’s hard. My emotions are all over the place again.

I’ve made the first steps towards booking in to talk to a counsellor soon.

Good wishes to everyone else on here.

It's so hard going back to the house isn't it @Brillig?

My dad still lives there but due to Covid I haven't been inside much since mum died. My kids favourite park is the one bang opposite my parents (well my dad's) house so I spend a lot of time looking at the house.

Let me know how the counselling goes, think I may be heading that way myself.

I have already had some therapy in the past due to health anxiety / my DC3 who is disabled and has a rare genetic condition (discovered at birth) Mum dying kind of put "all that" into perspective for a while but I am slipping a bit now and want to be proactive about tackling my mental health.

My mum herself suffered from severe anxiety and was agrophobic so she'd want me to look after myself in that respect!

Hello am just checking in to see how everyone is doing? Am missing my mum terribly it's been 10 weeks since she passed away. Am still not fully accepting of what has happened. Sometimes it feels real and other times I think how could this possibly have happened. Am not in the depths of despair anymore where I can't eat or feel that I don't want to go on anymore. Am more in a situation of feeling like it's still unreal and feeling very lonely. My phone is silent now mum used to call and text every day. I think back how sometimes I'd get annoyed at mum for calling me at work or when I was making the dinner. I feel guilty about this sometimes I used to give her hard time about always worrying about me and what I felt was mum "fussing" that was so unfair but that's what it felt like at the time mum worrying excessively about me but on reflection it was just mum showing me how much she loved me. I wish I could go back and be more patient. I did support my mum a lot over the years and was always there for her but I feel like I could have been kinder. I should have made more time for her even if I was busy when she called me. I did always call mum back when I was free and the kids were in bed when I had time to give her the attention that she needed and we had so many great conversations.
I feel like there no one to share my life with anymore. I have a husband kids but I used to share my life with my mum too and send her videos and photos of us all. Mum was interested in anything I was up to no matter how boring my conversation was maybe me moaning about work or the kids behaviour she would always listen attentively and never criticise. I miss her being in my corner and I miss supporting mum too. Everything feels really shit right now. I just want her back and then everything would be ok again.

Hi @Ttc42nearly43

10 weeks is still such early days, so go easy on yourself. I was floored by how grief is so tied up with guilt. I think, at some point, over the past 8 months I have felt guilty about anything and everything to do with my lovely mum. It is all part of the shitty process.

What you said about your mum being interested in anything you shared with her, mine was very much like that. She had 12 grandchildren (she never got to meet the 13th who arrived last month) and she would remember every parents evening and sports day. She would check in with us parents if one of the kids were poorly, she remembered every appointment my youngest disabled child had. She lived for us all, she adored anything to do with her kids and our children. She made non events feel important and was happy for all the little triumphs.

No-one else will ever care that much about us all and the silly little things we have going on, and that makes me so sad.

@Crunchymum

Hi *@Ttc42nearly43*

10 weeks is still such early days, so go easy on yourself. I was floored by how grief is so tied up with guilt. I think, at some point, over the past 8 months I have felt guilty about anything and everything to do with my lovely mum. It is all part of the shitty process.

What you said about your mum being interested in anything you shared with her, mine was very much like that. She had 12 grandchildren (she never got to meet the 13th who arrived last month) and she would remember every parents evening and sports day. She would check in with us parents if one of the kids were poorly, she remembered every appointment my youngest disabled child had. She lived for us all, she adored anything to do with her kids and our children. She made non events feel important and was happy for all the little triumphs.

No-one else will ever care that much about us all and the silly little things we have going on, and that makes me so sad.

I understand exactly how you feel about no one ever caring as much as your mum did. My mum was the same and it leaves you feeling very lonely. Am married and I have other family and friends but there is still no one that can ever care as much about me as my mum. It's the little things like you say just sharing things about your life even if you've had a shity day at work (am signed off work just now but might be going back on a phased return at the end of the month not sure how I feel about that I keep changing my mind) my mum used to text me and say things like " I hope you enjoyed your visit to your friends house" she cared so much to even check in on my if I went to a friends house for coffee.

I feel sad for me and my children that we have lost someone so precious. I never appricated my mum enough when she was alive and I wish to had. I wish I had told her every day how much I love her. It's so awful that I will never hug her or smell her smell again. Every mum has a mum smell right the smell you have known all of your life.

The last 3 days has been really difficult I feel like am sliding backwards and wondering is it finally sinking in what has happened that I'll never see my mum again. Am like a child at bedtime hugging mum's teddy bed I got her for mother's Day years ago. I know she used to hug it every night and it was always on her bed. It's always on my bed now but it also makes me feel sad that this is all I have left of mum is a teddy and her personal belongings. I need mum as a person alive and well. How do you ever begin to accept that you have lost (aside from my children) the most important person in your life?

I have raised a complaint with my mum's GP and care home there will be an investigation am worried what the outcome will be but I need to go on fighting for answers and fighting for someone to take some responsibility for what has happened to my mum. I feel the care home was delayed in getting mum medical help this is quite evident but they maintain they did everything right.

I have up to 40 days to wait for the outcome of the investigation then after that am not sure what I'll do it depends on what is the outcome I suppose. I might end up taking legal action not sure how I would even begin to start that process. I feel that I need to persue this for mum but I know in my heart it won't bring her back.

My Bereavement councellor asked me yesterday what I hoped to achieve from my complaint. I guess I just need to know that mum had the best care and that everything was done right and if it was not then for the staff to at least take responsibility for their failings. An apology some acknowledgment am not sure what I need other than my mum but am on this road and I'll just need to see where it takes me.

Your mum sounds lovely by the way a real gem of a person. We were both extremely lucky to have such good mums.

@Ttc42nearly43 it’s a hard road, isn’t it. I have a minor medical issue that I’ve had since I was tiny, it flares up from time to time and causes a lot of pain. My mum always looked after me and some of my very earliest memories are of her lovingly taking care of me when I was having those episodes. Long after I was an adult she knew from just looking at me if I was having a flare-up and she understood exactly what was going on, no words needed to be said.

I feel so inexpressibly sad that now I don’t have her any more, nobody will ever know any of that in the same way. My DH just doesn’t ‘get’ it at all.

I hope you find some sense of completeness and achievement from your complaint to the GP and care home. It’s especially important at the moment for those of us who were separated from our loved ones and not allowed to be with them. The awful feeling that they weren’t being looked after as we would do it ourselves is a terrible thing to bear.

8 months today since we lost mum.

To be honest, I only realised a few hours ago what date it was.

Saw my dad earlier and he isn't well, he has a nasty cold (he has had both vaccines) and it's upset me.... I have spiralled a bit and gone from 1 to 100 but it made me think that one day we'll lose Dad too. God I couldn't cope with that anytime soon!!!

@Crunchymum

I’ve been struggling a lot these past few weeks. Went shopping today at a place I regularly went to with mum and felt sad seeing women walking round with their mums, many of the ‘pairs’ much older than me and mum. Can’t believe I’m on my own now. Sure I have DH and DD and lots of relatives and friends but it’s not the same. I saw mum at least twice a week and it was just nice to hang out with her. We walked for miles, watched crap tv, went shopping. Really missing all of that. I’ve been avoiding going near her house (new people are in there) but walked past her road the other days and almost broke down at the thought of not walking up there to see her again. It’s just bloody hard isn’t it.

@Onandoff

I’ve been struggling a lot these past few weeks. Went shopping today at a place I regularly went to with mum and felt sad seeing women walking round with their mums, many of the ‘pairs’ much older than me and mum. Can’t believe I’m on my own now. Sure I have DH and DD and lots of relatives and friends but it’s not the same. I saw mum at least twice a week and it was just nice to hang out with her. We walked for miles, watched crap tv, went shopping. Really missing all of that. I’ve been avoiding going near her house (new people are in there) but walked past her road the other days and almost broke down at the thought of not walking up there to see her again. It’s just bloody hard isn’t it.

Yes it is bloody hard without a doubt the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my whole life. Like you it's the little things like chatting and meeting up. Things that you took for granted that would continue forever these things which are now gone. The pain is terrible I still keep thinking it's not real my mum died on the 5th March the only thing I can see is her death and the failings by heath care professionals which if they had acted quicker I may still have my lovely mum. They won't admit their failings so am lodging complaints my mum deserved far better treatment than what she got. It's awful thinking her death could have been prevented. My thoughts are with everyone who is going through this awful journey of loosing a parent.

Cruncymum like you my dad is also not well but he drinks and he's hitting it bad right now the last time he ended up in hospital and nearly died. I cant bear thinking that I might loose my dad too. He won't listen to anyone so all I can do is keep an eye on him and make sure he's eating. Me and mum used to be in this together with my dad's drinking when he went on a binging session but now it's just me left to deal with it alone.

Oh that is so hard about your dad @Ttc42nearly43. I know how hard it is to have a drinker in the family and managing it without your mum must be really difficult. You do what you can but ultimately unless he decides to make changes, it's down to him

I didn't mean to be melodramatic. Feel a bit embarrassed but it's how things are I guess. I am struggling to cope with the loss of my mum so the thought of losing my dad is just unbearable (I am pretty sure it's not going to be a head cold that does him in though )

I knew this is how I'd be....I cope with utterly awful situations in the early days and then months down the line I fall apart.
Really need to look at some counselling.

@Crunchymum

Oh that is so hard about your dad *@Ttc42nearly43*. I know how hard it is to have a drinker in the family and managing it without your mum must be really difficult. You do what you can but ultimately unless he decides to make changes, it's down to him

I didn't mean to be melodramatic. Feel a bit embarrassed but it's how things are I guess. I am struggling to cope with the loss of my mum so the thought of losing my dad is just unbearable (I am pretty sure it's not going to be a head cold that does him in though )

I knew this is how I'd be....I cope with utterly awful situations in the early days and then months down the line I fall apart.
Really need to look at some counselling.

Am having some early intervention sessions once a month with Cruse Bereavement I've had 2 already it's difficult to say if they sessions are helping it basically just gives me a platform to allow me to talk about mum and for someone just to listen. In the earlier weeks I used the helpline number almost on a daily basis I found them useful too when my feelings were completely overwhelming. About ur dad it's only natural to feel worried even if it's something small going on. I spoken to my dad yesterday tried to reason with him he says he'll stop drinking but he will likely only do this once he hits rock bottom and becomes so unwell that he will become medically unwell. I don't think I could face going back to the same hospital mum died in but if I end up there with dad then I'll just need to get through it. I hope that he will come out if it before it gets too bad.

Why don't you contact the cruse Bereavement team just call the helpline and speak to someone. The call handlers are really nice and they will put you in touch with the local branch closest to you.

@Crunchymum I've just started counselling sessions, which I'm paying for privately. I found a local counsellor via the BACP website and browsed till I'd identified someone who just seemed a goodish fit age/experience-wise etc (some people do look scarily young!). We did an introductory session and I thought we could work together - it's very early days but I'm hoping it will help ultimately.

I think, like you, I'm falling apart a bit now, unfortunately (not that I was great in the early stages, but still...). Things have been pretty awful in the last week or two. Everything seems so bleak and not much future to look forward to.

I'm really sorry to hear about your dad, @Ttc42nearly43, that must be so very hard for you.

[quote Brillig]@Crunchymum I've just started counselling sessions, which I'm paying for privately. I found a local counsellor via the BACP website and browsed till I'd identified someone who just seemed a goodish fit age/experience-wise etc (some people do look scarily young!). We did an introductory session and I thought we could work together - it's very early days but I'm hoping it will help ultimately.

I think, like you, I'm falling apart a bit now, unfortunately (not that I was great in the early stages, but still...). Things have been pretty awful in the last week or two. Everything seems so bleak and not much future to look forward to.

I'm really sorry to hear about your dad, @Ttc42nearly43, that must be so very hard for you.[/quote]
Brillig that's good you have reached out. I have one more counselling session from Cruse then I think that will be it as they only offer a max 3 sessions for early intervention then you need to wait until ur past 6 months that doesn't make much sense to me so I might do what u have done and get a private counsellor.

I know how you feel about falling apart am still at the stage where am clinging onto any part of mum that's left like her teddy bear it comes to bed every night I think my husband thinks am quite mad and Stewart have mums hold all still packed in my bedroom cupboard complete with all of her toiletries and some clothes she wore on admission they are still in the hospital bag as they have her smell on them. Sometimes I take the clothes out and smell them crazy I know but I can smell her on them. I still call her mobile and listen to her voicemail. I can't let go am not sure how to I just keep holding on.

Hugs to everyone my goodness we certainly need them right now.

Sorry that was a typo I meant to type "and I still have mums hold all still packed in my bedroom cupboard complete with all of her toiletries"

I've retreated to my duvet today.

Dad died in September and a family member has commented I ”moped around” after he passed away. I still have that comment ringing in my ears (But still everyday I've fed/played with/bathed the baby, had dinner in the oven, washed and dried the laundry etc etc) I really feel like I tried to keep the show on the road and all the usual plates spinning.

IRL no one I know has lost a parent, they don't realise how gut wrenching it feels, I feel really alone.

@Laundrydragon

I've retreated to my duvet today.

Dad died in September and a family member has commented I ”moped around” after he passed away. I still have that comment ringing in my ears (But still everyday I've fed/played with/bathed the baby, had dinner in the oven, washed and dried the laundry etc etc) I really feel like I tried to keep the show on the road and all the usual plates spinning.

IRL no one I know has lost a parent, they don't realise how gut wrenching it feels, I feel really alone.

How insensitive if your family member honestly have people no empathy. Loosing a parent is life changing and utterly devastating don't let anyone tell you how long you are "allowed" to grieve for as far as am concerned I will be grieving my mum for the rest of my life. I had a comment from my mother in law a few weeks back saying that she thought I'd be better now I couldn't get my head around that comment either and I just wanted to shout at her that I'll never better, nothing will ever be better now mum is gone. People just don't get it even some of those who have lost a parent too. My husband's dad passed away before I met him and he doesn't get it either. I've had some odd comments from my husband the worst was probably him asking me on the way home from my mum's funeral if I felt any better. HELLO no I f**ng don't feel better. Please believe me you are not the only one on the receiving end if such thoughtless comments. Just let it go over your head and grieve the loss of your dad in the way that you want to not how everyone else thinks you should be "handling it". My thoughts are with you it's a lonely road to travel even surrounded by people only you know how you feel and exactly how much your dad meant to you. I have found my support network is slowly vanishing people are calling less and checking in on how am doing but for me it's only been 2 1/2 months since my mum died so maybe people think I don't need the support anymore. You are expecting to just move on but news flash it sadly isn't possible when the person you have lost meant the world to you.

Honestly I would tell that family member to fuck off !! @Laundrydragon how dare they comment on your grief. Other than losing a child IMO there is nothing worse than losing a parent especially so premature some days I still feel like a child in my twenties who desperately needs there mum it's so unfair I'm sick of it now I want her back

I'm so sorry you had to hear that unthinking and insensitive comment, @Laundrydragon. Grief isn't something you 'snap out of', or a measurable thing in any way. It's a process and everyone is different. The fact that you've been quietly seeing to the needs of others while undergoing your own grief is a credit to you.

I know it's hard but please know that the person criticising you is wrong and your grief is entirely valid. People on here understand.

May I join? I lost my dad last Sunday after 18 months of deterioration with 'frailty'. He was 83.

I was very lucky that I was able to see him throughout the whole Covid fiasco as initially we were told he only had a few months so decided to keep him at home. After lots of ups and downs last year with his care I was signed off at the end of October and have been on sabbatical since January. He went into a nursing home about 7 weeks ago.

So anyway, it's been 6 days and I feel OK, which is worrying me. I've have moments of crying/being sad, and had a bit of breakdown yesterday when we went to see him at the funeral directors.

I guess it's just being busy and staying strong for mum...I don't really have much time or opportunity to think about/process anything.

@MintyCedric

Am so sorry to hear about your dad passing away. It sounds like it was a gradual deterioration but that doesn't make it less difficult for you now that he is gone. Welcome to the group we are all in the same boat here at various different stages in our grief. Try not to worry about feeling ok likely you are just on autopilot and helping with your mum will be a good distraction for you. There doesn't seem to be a "normal" way to grieve for me I had a very very intense probably even post traumatic reaction to my mum dying after a very short illness and hospital admission 11 days in total 9 of those I was with her in the acute medical unit. I was literally floored by it and very ill for about 2 months. In the last 2 or 3 weeks the fog is lifting slightly and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I have found that talking about mum has helped me a lot whether it be with friends, other family members, work colleagues or the cruse Bereavement helpline was also a lifeline for me. I even found myself calling the samaratins at one point out of sheer desperation basically anyone that would listen to be sob and cry about mum and to give me that release when my feelings got overwhelming. It's a slow journey of recovery and this group has certainly helped too. Does your mum keep well?