For Anyone Needing Support After Losing A Parent. Very Supportive Thread

[Mummylin]

Luckily I was keeping my eye on the thread so it would of been ok. Hopefully this new thread will once again bring comfort to newly bereaved.
To the newest posters, I wish you all the best in the coming weeks / months.
And to the longer term posters, thankyou for being such a support to each other. 💐

Beautifully and heartbreakingly put @FluffyFluffyClouds

The relationship between me and my dad has totally broken down. Nail in the coffin so to speak when he sent a card last week signed off from him and his new woman I asked him very politely not to sign off things from her it's hard enough not seeing mums name in there nevermind someone else's and his response was 'any card or gift will be signed from both of us you have upset us' so I have ended that relationship and to be honest I feel a weight has lifted but how I wish it was my mum here instead

@FluffyFluffyClouds your last post if very poignant, I am a grown up with kids of my own but I was also still a daughter, still a child and I know when mum died that unique love did too. Yes my dad loves me but there is nothing like a mother's love. It is a one off type of love.

Makes me feel so sad when I think along those lines.

@mrssunshinexxx I am sorry your dad has been so insensitive. It's making such a hard time in your life, even worse.
I guess the only way you could positively look at it is that he was so happy with your mum he needed to find "someone / anyone" to and 'replace and recreate' your mum in his life. Her signing the card is fucking horrid though, and your dad's reply is just awful.

I hope in time you can mend bridges but honestly!!! I don't blame you for taking some time out of it all.

I've had a bit of a wobbly few days. I am coming up to my birthday and the anniversary of the last time I saw my mum - even though she didn't die until September (Mum and I spoke everyday but her agrophobia and covid fear was so bad she hardly saw anyone in her last few months). I'll be in hospital for the actual day [planned admission with my youngest] but I cannot believe it's been a year since I last saw my mum. A year???

Dad and I were talking last week and I asked him about a family holiday when I was young, he couldn't remember and I almost uttered the words "lets ask mum".... So much died with her. She knew and remembered everything - what time we were all born, how much we weighed, what we were like as babies, all our trips and holidays.

She was a memory box and all of that is gone too now. What I wouldn't give to have some time with her so she could share all her memories. What I wouldn't give to kiss her and cuddle her and tell her much I love her and admire her and respect her. She struggled with her mental health as long as I can remember but she was strong and fierce always kept going, until she couldn't.

Feels better letting that out.

Thank you @Brillig and I’m very sorry to hear about your dad. 💐

@FluffyFluffyClouds that’s so well put, I’m getting on with things, but feel more upset when I look at our childhood house, and think about how all her cherished things have no one to cherish them like that any more. I hope it gets easier for you. 💐

Hugs to everyone coping with this sadness. Memorable days are especially hard, aren't they? I'm dreading mum's birthday later this year, the first one since she died.

@Itsallabouttheparsley thanks for your good wishes. It's over a decade since my dad died and I know from that experience that you do find ways to live with the loss, over time. But my mum died last year and that continues to be very hard. Like you, I'm struggling with her house (where I grew up) and the memories it holds.

@Crunchymum good to hear from you though I'm sorry you're having a wobble. Your mum sounds great. Mine too was indomitable and part of the keenness of our loss is that they were so strong, we can't quite believe they could ever just not be here any more, I think. Coming to terms with that is perhaps the hardest, for me. She was always there for me and the world felt safe, somehow. Now, suddenly, it doesn't any more.

@mrssunshinexxx what a horrible time you're having, I'm so sorry. As Crunchy says, your dad has his own life but he needs to respect your feelings too and he most certainly isn't doing that just now. Perhaps it is better to withdraw for now.

Hi all am reading everyone's responses on this page and it helps to be in touch with people who are going through the same feeling and emotions as ne. Today has been a bad day. It started off with me lying in bed imagining mum getting better and coming home from hospital. I imagine her opening her eyes and me hugging her and telling her that she's getting better. I imagine her bring discharged from hospital and still being alive. I don't know why I sometimes let me mind wander down that road it doesn't help. Today I decided to got to Asda as opposed to Aldi or Lidl for mums flowers. They had some lovely coloured blue and purple chrysanthemums mums favourite colours. I was just wandering about looking at the clothes and the Beegees came on. Mum loves the Beegees. I started feeling upset then managed to make it out the door and drove up to the cemetery in foods of tears which lasted about an hour. Sometimes I think that I could just lay down on top of my mums grave and press my cheek against the grass as I know that she's under there. I don't of course as I'd look like a right weirdo but I just need to feel close to her
Sometimes I call mums mobile to hear her voice. Does anyone else do that or am I just going mad?
I ended up phoning a work colleague who am close to and talked it out with her for a bit she says that it sounds like am trying to bring my mum back that an trying to get a connection with her. This is what I want more that anything just to see her again and speak to her. I miss my mum's smell sounds daft but she had a comforting smell. It made me feel safe. I know am an adult but I feel so alone without my mum to care about me.
I wish mum never died I hate being this person who is sad and doesn't have a mum anymore.

Oh bless you @Ttc42nearly43

I really feel your sadness and sense of loss. It hurts so much doesn't it? When you have one of those days and you realise again the true magnitude of what is lost.

I hope yesterday let some of the emotion out and you feel a bit 'better' today? Better isn't the right word but I can't think what is.

I find I have days where I cannot compute what has happened, like I literally cannot believe this is how things are and then I go back to plodding along until the next blip.

@Crunchymum
I feel like am going backwards I was crying a lot last night and reached out to a work colleague who's been really supportive even while mum was in hospital.
My daughter keeps having dreams about her granny she says that it's always the same dream that she sees granny with a light behind her and she starts running towards her granny who then disappears. It's heartbreaking to hear my wee girl having these dreams as she finds them upsetting. I have said to her that this is her granny letting her know that she's ok and that her granny will be waiting for her and will give her a huge big cuddle. I really wish that I was religious and believed in all that but if it gives my daughter comfort then thats ok to say these things I think. I wish I could see my mum again it's difficult to get my head around her no longer existing.
I was out with the kids and my husband on Sunday and heard someone shout "mum I need the buggy" it was a woman maybe ages with me there with her mum and I looked over at her mum rushing over buggy in hand ready to help her daughter out and I felt so envious. It was really overcome with sadness that I'll no longer be able to call out Mum anymore. Sometimes I think I can't handle the pain in my heart it's too much xx

I feel the same completely bitter with jealousy when I see mums and daughters / grannies. It's so so so unfair @Ttc42nearly43

Hi, can I join? My dad died in March.

Can I join this thread?
My mum died suddenly from an aortic aneurysm this week. She was only in her late 60s. I'm struggling so much with the shock. I have two small children and now I'm plunged into a world without my mum. I don't know how I will do this.

My Mum passed away this week too. It was expected but still can’t believe I’ll never see her again 💔

I'm so sorry for your losses @kittlesticks and @RaspberryMojito. I hope you're being kind to yourselves at this difficult time. My dad was 62 when he died and I also have two small children - one he never met and one who, sadly, won't remember him.

Sorry to see new people joining
@letsallbemermaids and @kittlesticks and @RaspberryMojito

Sorry to hear you've all lost a parent. It really is one if those life shifting moments? Whether they were old or young and whether it was expected or not, it changes your whole existence.

All I can say is keep well (make sure you eat and stay hydrated) ask for help if you need it, reach out to friends and family and be kind to yourself.

It's a hard road to walk, and we've all been there/ are still there ♥️

Thank you for the welcome @Crunchymum. It's been 14 weeks for me. Coming to the end of the first 100 days. Surely they must be among the hardest? I'm actually doing really well but I'm a bit concerned I don't have any time to grieve and I worry what I'm storing up for the future. I'm trying to join groups like this to talk about it and carve out a bit of time to be open about my loss. My second child was born the day before my father died so it's been such a joyous and sad time. I've got an older school-aged child too. There's always something immediate to do. It's hard to find time to just be in my grief. I sorted through some photos yesterday and found lots of my dad holding me as a baby. They are lovely but also hard to look at because my baby looks a lot like I did as a baby and it looks like he's holding her. Obviously a lot of my energy has gone into caring for my small children and also supporting my mum, who must be feeling the loss so much worse than the rest of us as they lived together and had been together for at least 40 years.

Oh my gosh @letsallbemermaids

My mum (who is sadly the reason I am on this thread) gave birth to my sister the same day her mum died. As well as having 3 older kids already, please don't underestimate how two major life changing events can effect you. I do think it's important to take time to grieve for your dad. I have 3 littles ones myself and whilst I have found the distraction positive (and its meant I havent had much if a choice in terms of 'plodding on' - my kids need me) I still take time to be sad and to "feel".

It's such a difficult thing and you've had a double whammy (I know a new baby is a happy life event but it still throws your through a loop and will always be connected to your dad dying)

You sound like you are doing as well as you can be, but it's still early days.

I have personally found months 4 onwards harder as it's just so painful to know that is it and mum is gone, forever.

@letsallbemermaids and @kittlesticks and @RaspberryMojito

Welcome to the group and sorry for your loss everyone. This is something that people say to someone who is grieving but I honestly don't think you can quite grasp the magnitude of such a loss unless you have been there yourself. Everyone here is going down the same path a various stages. I really think that if you are grieving hard this only short the closeness that you shared with your mum or dad.

For me it will be 4 months on 5th March since my lovely mum died after a sudden illness. I still can't get my head around it all and miss her with all of my heart. In my darkness moments I thought that I couldn't go on that I couldn't live without her. I have since realised that there is simply no other choice. I have 2 children also and it's difficult to keep going for them but I have to. I try to take strength in what a good mum I had my mum was great when we were growing up me and my sister she was always there calm and supportive.

As an adult me and mum were so close I literally feel like I have had my heart ripped out. It's just awful the feeling isn't it.

Things that have helped me is talking about mum to people anyone really who will listen but more importantly people who loved and cared for her too. Sometimes I talk to my aunt my mum's sister and this calms me down.

I also used the cruse Bereavement helpline a lot in the early days they were amazing as a sounding board to just cry and talk and let it all out. Am now getting monthly counselling sessions from them. They offer early intervention session this is what am getting now.

Am off work my GP has signed me off so am currently painting everything and anything in the house. I need projects to keep me going. Some days I can't be bothered but I force myself to get up and get on with it.

My thoughts are will you's all. We are here to listen when you need to talk ❤️

@Ttc42nearly43 that's where I am - how can I live? How can I continue? She just collapsed on Tuesday. She was my life my everything. I have two young children. I can hear her telling me I can't give up and this is what she has taught me, but I just feel at complete collapse.

@kittlesticks

I see your mum was a similar age to mine. My mum was 66 years old.

What I can say to you as am almost 4 months down the line is reach out to people. Do you still have your dad and/or any siblings? You can support each other. There really is no easy way to go through this you just need to face it head on and cry as much as you need too. Lean on people who can support you. I find that it's sometimes too raw and painful to speak with close family member too often so my work colleagues and friends have been baring the brunt of my grief and trying to prop me up.
You need to think about your mental health and talk to your GP who can help you even if just to listen. In the first few months I needed to plan something every day I have been reaching out to family members and friends more than ever some who I haven't seen in years. Its like I need to fill this huge gap that mum has left with other people but actually the only person I need is my mum but I know that she is gone so other people help just a little in that moment.

Please call Cruse Bereavement their helpline staff are amazing and you can be referred for early intervention support from a named counsellor.

Acceptance I don't think am there yet and don't know if I ever will be. Take strength from your children as your mum made you and you made them so you are all part of the same person. For me sometimes I even find it hard to look in the mirror. Me and mum have exactly the same eyes it's like am looking at her eyes but they are mine if that makes sense.

If your mum was like mine and loved you with all of her heart which am sure that she did she most definitely wouldn't want you hurting so much but quite simply you can help it and that is a credit to the bond that you guys shared ❤️

I too lost mum suddenly (she collapsed unexpectedly at home and she couldn't be resuscitated)

I've always felt it was the "best death" for her (sudden, at home, she was with my dad and sister) but it was so, so difficult for us.

We were messaging literally an hour before she collapsed, how do you go from that to not having your mum?

It will be 9 months soon and I've just done my first birthday without my mum being alive.

I feel my grief and sadness is more controlled now, I don't cry everyday but but when I do have a chappy day, god it is hard.

I am definitely still processing things, I suspect low level depression (mum was the cherry on the cake to be honest) and I'm contemplating see the GP and / or self referring for some counselling.

Oh an my mum was just 65. Not young but really not old either.

@Crunchymum sounds like what happened to us except it was not at home and only my Dad there.
I suppose it's reassuring reading this thread knowing that there are times for all of you when it's slightly better. Currently I feel this has ruined my entire future existence, I know it sounds dramatic. My mum was just my everything and the centre of my universe, I based all my parenting decisions on her and what she had done with me, so it feels like my life's touch stone has disappeared.

Hope it's okay to post.
Felt some comfort finding this thread.
My mum passed away this morning after a tough 6 month battle with cancer, lots of ups and downs but the ending was very sudden and quick, but finding some comfort that she is no longer in pain and is at peace.

@sweetiepie1 sorry for your loss x

Welcome to all the new people, and and to you all.
I am 18 months on from losing Mum (and just over a year for Dad) and I am still processing things TBH.
So many things in the house have sentimental meaning, but there is only so much space, and I've been finding it difficult as I have nobody else who knew them to pass things on to. Not just them - other long gone relations. I'm sort of the end of the line.
I was clearing out some of my stuff today though and felt something shift inside me, a bit like a coach uncoupling from a train. Like I was letting them both free in a way, to be with their parents etc..
I don't know quite how to describe it. I had sorted out some of Mum's stuff recently (and spoke to Dad's sister), all of which was quite emotional, so maybe that's why.
I still somehow wish I had someone to pass things on to, who knew Mum. My nieces and nephews are lovely but all on the other side.

So sorry for your loss @kittlesticks you must be in utter shock with it only being today I hope you have a strong support around you x