For Anyone Needing Support After Losing A Parent. Very Supportive Thread

[Mummylin]

Luckily I was keeping my eye on the thread so it would of been ok. Hopefully this new thread will once again bring comfort to newly bereaved.
To the newest posters, I wish you all the best in the coming weeks / months.
And to the longer term posters, thankyou for being such a support to each other. 💐

mrssunshinexxx I read on your post that it was 1 year yesterday since your lovely mum passed away am sorry that you have lost your mum too. I understand exactly how you are feeling. I got a text from my mother in law today asking how I was and when I replied saying I was feeling low and sad she replied to say that she thought I'd be better by now? There was not malice mean as she's a nice person but what do people expect. My mum died on 5th March this year we aren't even out if April yet. I don't have any idea how long it will take me to be "better" my thoughts are that I never will ever be better. My mum has died the one person who knew me the best from anyone in the whole world and who loved me unconditionally. I can't see how anyone can ever be "better" after suddenly having a huge part of themselves die. I feel like my whole world has stopped. I have to get through each day fir my children but it is a huge effort every day.

@Ttc42nearly43 the less said about my mil the better. Yours was bang out of line even if she asked that after your mum had been gone 10 years. Sorry to be blunt but from how you talk about your mum no you will never get over this or be better. I know I won't it had changed me as a person forever and ripped my world apart. No one knows us like our mums they gave us life and taught us everything it hurts so much. X

@Ttc42nearly43 I know exactly what you mean about the simple things I often think about her not sunbathing in the garden, floating in the sea on a lilo, tasting a roast dinner. It's brutal

It seems so unfair doesn't it that our mums can no longer enjoy life. I know that when my mum was still awake in hospital and able to speak she told me that she was scared of dying. I reassured her that she would be alright that she would make it. At this point we were still holding on to hope even though things were looking very serious there was still a chance that mum could have pulled through. After that day mum was unable to talk she was communicating by making sounds and was definitely able to hear me speaking to her up until the last day.
My husband's family seem to be able to move on quicker following loss. His dad died many years ago before we met and he just threw himself into work. I don't know how he managed to function as I literally feel like my whole world has crumbled into bits.
My mil is the first person who has made the assumption that I should be "better now". Thankfully as I couldn't handle much more comments like that. Am not angry with her tho I don't have the energy to be angry right now. My mil is not my mum am not her greatest concern I get that she is more concerned about her son and that's only natural. My mum always worried about me and was checking in with me daily to make sure I was ok and the kids were ok. She loved us with all of her heart and I feel both greatful for having had her love but also saddened that my mum's love is now gone.
What's the story with your mil? Am finding the most support from work colleagues at the moment people who I can call and they just let me talk. My closet friends have been great but I don't hear as much from them now. I know get are there but it seems like some of the support is slowly withdrawing. I have my dad still and my sister too and I speak about mum to them often. My sister seems to be dealing with mum dying differently she is holding onto happy memories of the past. I can't see this right now as what happened to mum in the hospital is all I see. Then visiting mum in the funeral home I went 4 times this is in my head too.
I honestly don't know where I will be in a year's time. It seems impossible to reach a year without mum. You are a strong person to have kept going. I keep telling myself the literally is no other option. I know mum would be breaking her heart to see me like this. I also know that if it was me who died mum would be the same as I'm right now this is how strong out bond is xx

@Ttc42nearly43 you are right we have children so there is no other choice but to carry on and just hope it won't always hurt as bad as this. Everything has changed since mum died, my in laws are very odd, insensitive people to be honest sadly my husband sided with them often but that's something that's going to have to change and soon because I'm not living like this he needs to see the hurt they have caused me. We have lost our mum/ mother in law at 25 & 27 and our children will never have that grandma the best grandma they could wish for it's so so painful,
My dad met a new woman after 6 months so I barely speak to him I just think it's so disrespectful to mum and just wrong. Everyone grieve differently and I try to remind myself of that but it doesn't mean I have to sit around in other peoples company.
Time just goes so fast I know what you mean about your sister I can't talk about happy memories yet every night before I go to sleep I go back to seeing her in the chapel of rest and how cold she was. Wow I loved her she was my everything x

@Ttc42nearly43 I'm so sorry your MIL is being this insensitive. A month is simply nothing in coming to terms with the huge loss of a beloved parent - barely the blink of an eye. My own mum died last October and I'm still mourning her deeply. The terrible tearing grief has lessened but I'm nevertheless contemplating some sort of counselling to deal with what feels like the trauma of her last few days. I've identified a few possible therapists through the BACP website now.

You're right, it can seem overwhelming to keep going somehow. I've been lucky to have some long conversations with an old friend who is very wise (and has a medical/caring background) and I think this has helped me shift my mindset a bit. Loss is terrible and it seems unendurable but it will happen to all of us one way or another.

For some is it 'better' if they experience a sudden, totally unexpected loss? I'm not sure, many people on this thread are devastated at being unprepared and not being able to say goodbye. In my own case, my beloved mum was in her 90s and frail, and had a couple of weeks of illness, but I'm tortured by knowing that she was apart from us in hospital (no visits allowed because of Covid) and must have felt alone and scared. I wish she'd been able to go to sleep and just not wake up. I'd looked after her for over a decade after my father died and we'd become very close. Losing not just her but also that caring role that I'd fallen into feels as though a huge and central part of my life has been ripped away without my consent.

So yes, of course you will need much, much more time to process your feelings. Don't let anyone try to hustle you into pretending you're fine and can carry on as though nothing much has happened. But your love for your mum is still there as strongly as ever, and hers for you. Nothing will change that.

(Sorry - that was long!)

Brillig thank you for your message I too feel like I have lost a part of myself. Like yourself I was a major support network for my mum over the years. My mum was young when she made a move into full time care at only 56 years old she was unable to cope with daily life due to mental health issues and used alcohol heavily. I supported mum over the years to ensure that she was settled and after several care home moves she finally settled somewhere 17 months ago and she was in a much better place she was making friends and was far more happier that I have seen her for years. This makes mum passing away all the more cruel and unfair. I would always advocate for mum and would ensure that she had everything she needed especially during lockdown when I wasn't able to get mum out and about to the shops and on holidays. I took mum to Fueurtaventura in October 2019 and we planned to go back again one day.
This is all gone now as well as loosing my mum I also feel like I have lost a major purpose in my life. A role that I have fulfilled for years. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I have children and they give me purpose but I was the only person mum depended on she needed me and I needed her just as much.
As the weeks go by the raw grief sits with me daily. I had an early intervention session with Cruse Bereavement but it wasn't great I thought it was a bit harsh to be honest. I have another session on 18th May not sure what to expect this time around. Maybe it's too early for councelling for me but I wanted to try it as I feel stuck in the same place. I feel trapped in my grief and I know there is no escape.

My works occupational health assessment took place last week apparently am moderately/severely depressed. I don't want any antidepressants I don't think that would help me.

Where you off work for a while? I haven't worked since 25th February it just seems so far out of reach that I will be able to go back to work. Some people say it might help me as a distraction they may be right I have no idea. In a way I feel like going back to work is like am moving on but I don't want to move on without my mum. Does that make sense?

Sending hugs to everyone on here, I can relate to so much of it. It's been 3 weeks since mums been gone. It's her funeral tomorrow and I'm not sure how I'm going to get through it.

I did carry on with work @Ttc42nearly43, but it's different for me I suspect because I'm only (very) part-time so I've had a lot of free time anyway. In a way it has taken my mind off my grief a bit to focus on something else, so this might be the same for you, but perhaps not....everyone reacts differently and if your job is high stress it may just complicate things. I do know exactly what you mean about everything rushing forward without your mum being part of your life. It feels so strange and frightening without the person we've lost and I think just having to somehow get used to this 'new normal' - to borrow an overused phrase - is very hard to do. It feels very lonely and just...wrong.

I have found for me that things have changed a bit, though, without me consciously doing anything. They just have. I still feel devastated that I don't have my mum to talk to, and I think about her a lot every day, but whereas I'd be in tears and almost inconsolable a lot of the time before, now I can be a bit calmer (though still desperately sad). Acceptance that she's really gone is dawning, after nearly 7 months. I think maybe I'm more ready to talk to someone about it all now.

Incidentally, I too approached Cruse and had some initial contact but I also didn't find them that helpful. Maybe you'd do better with some different counselling? It's fair enough to want to steer clear of medication but depression can be tough to battle through and if a professional could help you over the next few weeks/months that might be a good thing to explore.

cushioncovers I have just joined this group too as was searching for people who would have an understanding to the extent of the grief am experiencing and sadly there seems to be many if us in the same boat. All feeling similar feelings. For me it's been 9 weeks on Friday since my mum died. As the weeks go by the reality is slowly creeping in and it's like I haven't allowed myself to believe it's true sometimes I try not to believe it as acceptance is just not possible and it makes the knowledge that I will never see by mum again too much to bear. Do you have family to support you? My dad says I should distract myself as mum as possible everyone seems to be telling me this price of advice but how can you distract yourself from someone that has taken over your entire thoughts day in and day out.
In the initial weeks I used the cruse Bereavement helpline and on one occasion the samaratins. I found the cruse Bereavement helpline useful when I was all consumed with grief and I didn't feel like I wanted to bother people who were close to me it as in a way just me off-load to a complete stranger and being totally mentally and physically exhausted after it but feeling a bit calmer too. The councelling session I had was a bit different not what I expected and too much reality for me but am going to try it again I figured it's worth a try.
Are you left with a feeling of not knowing how to live your life anymore? I feel like this it's like I don't know how to exist without my mum. My husband says that am an adult and I don't "need" my mum but he is wrong I do need her and the realisation of this is becoming more and more evident as the weeks go by. I can honestly say that this last few months is the most painful and heartbreaking time in my entire life and I have been through quite a few losses 4 misscaridges in my life and mum dying is like how I felt loosing my babies multiplied by infinity. With the misscaridges although there was losses there was always hope to try again but for mum well there is only one mum for everyone. It sounds like everyone on here had a good mum and for this we can be truly thankful. I know some people who dont have a close relationship with their mum and I think that this is so sad.

I hope you have a support network I had a lot of support from friends and work colleagues to begin with but I hear from the less now. It's like a wee bit of time has passed and people this is should be better now it seems to be a common misconception.

@Ttc42nearly43 you've hit the nail on the head you only have one mum and when we Have ones like on this thread the pain is unbearable and there will be a void forever. Your husband clearly doesn't 'get it'

[quote mrssunshinexxx]@Ttc42nearly43 you are right we have children so there is no other choice but to carry on and just hope it won't always hurt as bad as this. Everything has changed since mum died, my in laws are very odd, insensitive people to be honest sadly my husband sided with them often but that's something that's going to have to change and soon because I'm not living like this he needs to see the hurt they have caused me. We have lost our mum/ mother in law at 25 & 27 and our children will never have that grandma the best grandma they could wish for it's so so painful,
My dad met a new woman after 6 months so I barely speak to him I just think it's so disrespectful to mum and just wrong. Everyone grieve differently and I try to remind myself of that but it doesn't mean I have to sit around in other peoples company.
Time just goes so fast I know what you mean about your sister I can't talk about happy memories yet every night before I go to sleep I go back to seeing her in the chapel of rest and how cold she was. Wow I loved her she was my everything x[/quote]
mrssunshinexxx I too have vivid memories of my mum in the hospital after she died and in the funeral home too. People said to me that mum was no longer there and I can't get my head around this it's like the cruse Bereavement councellor saying to me that my mum isn't at the cemetery only mums remains are there. That was quite upsetting to hear and I don't see things that way. Of course mum was there after she died I was hugging and kissing her and yes she is at the cemetery I don't know where else she could possibly be.
Sometimes I wish I was religious and believed in heaven and life after death. My boss said maybe I should speak to a minster and try to get a different perspective on mum passing away. I have no idea if that would help or not maybe in the moment but I would ultimately just got back to believing that mum just stopped existing and now she is gone.
Am sorry about your in laws sometimes you wonder about people and how their brains work. Like my mil thinking that I should be "better" it's like they are on a different planet or maybe just simply have never had such a deep connection to anyone before you have no idea.
I feel like life is moving on all around me but am still in the same place.

Hi everyone.
So sorry for all the new losses and the old grief you all feel.
Sending hugs and strength.

I have up and down days. But some things that help me - I don't think I don't have a mum anymore. I do. She's just now here in embodiment anymore. But I have and always will have, a mum. My mum.

I don't delete her number. I can't! My dad uses her mobile now! But...I haven't changed it to 'Dad.' And not going to. It still jolts like crazy some times, but I kind of like that.

What's really helped too, is sitting with it all. Not feeling guilty. Any time it sneaks in, I connect with my mum and that soon beats it away!
I meditate daily. Exercise in nature. Walking or running. That helps. Running really helps!
I have read Pema Chodron books voraciously. They help.
I take ignatia - prescribed by a homeopath. But ignatia is a top grief remedy.
I dig up the garden.
I talk with mum. Every. Single. Day. Every night.
The really, really hard moments...I breathe my way through it. I cry through it. I grump through it. One of the worst things is the memory of her suffering. The hard, visceral flashback of that.
But then...what strength! What peace. What determination. What heart.
I don't try and figure it all out in my head. I just feel what I feel, and love myself whatever. I'm working on loving myself. Really.
And @Onandoff what you say about no one being as interested in you as your parent. Yes. I TOTALLY get what you mean. This is another real tough thing. And so hard to articulate. But we know what we mean.
At times, it's all so unbelievable. All so surreal. At other times, it's all too real.
@mrssunshinexxx I do believe they are still 'there'. I think it is more than we can imagine. We are on a rock circling a great fiery ball in a vast space of goodness knows what. That in itself seems unbelievable. It is all so weird. And, not because of that, but when I think of that too, I hold faith.
My mum was very sensitive. I am very sensitive. My mum has certainly 'been in touch' with me since she has left this plain. Plane? And I have enough 'evidence' for me.
Does it take away the pain, the loss? No. But there are times of great comfort, and guidance. And warm, loving feelings.
I am going to have a rest today. I feel so tired, and have been so busy. I really needed to push myself as I felt so horrible.
Today, I need to not do that.
It's been nice to take some time here. I send so much love. Hugs.

@Brillig

I did carry on with work *@Ttc42nearly43*, but it's different for me I suspect because I'm only (very) part-time so I've had a lot of free time anyway. In a way it has taken my mind off my grief a bit to focus on something else, so this might be the same for you, but perhaps not....everyone reacts differently and if your job is high stress it may just complicate things. I do know exactly what you mean about everything rushing forward without your mum being part of your life. It feels so strange and frightening without the person we've lost and I think just having to somehow get used to this 'new normal' - to borrow an overused phrase - is very hard to do. It feels very lonely and just...wrong.

I have found for me that things have changed a bit, though, without me consciously doing anything. They just have. I still feel devastated that I don't have my mum to talk to, and I think about her a lot every day, but whereas I'd be in tears and almost inconsolable a lot of the time before, now I can be a bit calmer (though still desperately sad). Acceptance that she's really gone is dawning, after nearly 7 months. I think maybe I'm more ready to talk to someone about it all now.

Incidentally, I too approached Cruse and had some initial contact but I also didn't find them that helpful. Maybe you'd do better with some different counselling? It's fair enough to want to steer clear of medication but depression can be tough to battle through and if a professional could help you over the next few weeks/months that might be a good thing to explore.

I think your thoughts to speak to a counsellor should be explored. It might be the time for you. My husband has set up marriage counseling I don't really want to engage with that but I have agreed I don't really have the energy to work through my marriage and my grief from loosing mum but I think if I don't do this the my marriage may end so I owe it to my kids to at least hear what the counsellor has to say. Am a bit concerned tho that if they scratch the surface enough all sorts of emotions will come out. Am barley holding it together as it is but I know I have shut down from my husband completely since mum died am not sure there is a way back but he seems to think there is. It complicated my husband fell out with my mum about 10 years ago and has barley spoke to her since this is why I can't take comfort in him now. Anyway this is a separate issue or maybe completely intertwined who know.

That is so so difficult @Ttc42nearly43 I'm really sorry I wish I had some advice
Do you want to find a way to make it work?

@Ttc42nearly43 that is very difficult. Complicated.
Your husband believes in your relationship. That is good. Maybe it's not the right time, but could be something waiting for you when you're ready?
Be gentle with yourself x

@mrssunshinexxx

That is so so difficult *@Ttc42nearly43* I'm really sorry I wish I had some advice Do you want to find a way to make it work?

I have no idea the only feelings I have right now is either being to totally flat, sadness or overwhelming burst if crying. There's little room for anything else but we will see. I took myself off to TKMaxx today thought it might lift my mood but I just spent the entire time wandering around thinking what the hell am I doing here and remembering the times I used to go to TKMaxx with my mum think I'll give the shops a miss for the time being. I just kept looking at people thinking what's the point in buying stuff it won't make you happy. There was even a lady there using a mobility scooter they have a distinct noise when they reverse a beeping it sounded exactly the same as my mum's scooter. The scooter that now lies at my dad's unused and never to be used again by mum what a really upsetting thought. I find myself looking at older people and thinking how did you manage to live to that age how is that fair when mum died at 66 years old. There's no getting away from the grief it follows me everywhere.

I really do feel your pain @Ttc42nearly43 I wish there was an easy way we could all meet up. My mum was 63 and will never meet or know my children I feel totally and utterly robbed

It's very difficult @Ttc42nearly43, and I do feel for you. Lots of feelings around our loved ones are so intertwined, as you say. I hope your husband will be able to understand that but it should also be clearly acknowledged and respected in your marriage counselling that you're dealing with a major bereavement. These are big changes, it's so much to get your head round.

Hi everyone,

I was here back in 2012 and the few years after when my mum died. I had a break from mumsnet and lurked about but family circumstances bring me back, im hoping to catch up with all of your stories and offer any advice I can and support. My dad is currently very unwell with stage 3 esophageal cancer, and im heartbroken that we are in this position again but we are fighting. I will read through the thread and hopefully be about to share with you all from time to time if you'll have me.

Hi SM. So sorry to see you have reason to be back here. You already know the support we have all got here from before , where has all that time gone. It's lovely to see you, but I'm sorry about the circumstances.
And to all the newest posters on this thread, I am very sorry for your loss and what you are all going through. You will all get fab support from each other. Look after yourselves 💐

Hi @supermariossister of course we will have you I'm sorry to hear about your dad. Is he having chemo at the mo? Sorry I don't know much about cancer and the process etc pls forgive my ignorance and share however much you wish to x

@mrssunshinexxx

I really do feel your pain *@Ttc42nearly43* I wish there was an easy way we could all meet up. My mum was 63 and will never meet or know my children I feel totally and utterly robbed

I can't completely understand why you would feel robbed I get that I know I have kids but they are young 5 and 7. I had my kids later in life but my sister has hers younger they are both adults now at 18 and 26 and even though they have also lost their granny they have been so lucky to have had their granny with them their entire childhood. I feel sad for my kids as they will miss out on this. My mum was also a great granny with my niece having had a daughter a month and a half before you had my youngest. I have photo of my mum holding my son sitting next to my niece who is also holding her baby. What makes me really sad is it know how upset mum was last year when she had Covid that she would die and she wouldn't be able to see her family anymore. She got through Covid relatively easily just a couple of days feeling a bit rubbish but she spoke to me about worrying that she wouldn't see us again and know that was mums biggest worry was that she wouldn't be able to see her grandchildren growing up and her daughter's getting older. I spent a lot of time reassuring mum that she was going to be ok and that she wasn't going to be going anywhere then compleley unrelated to Covid mum got a terrible infection in her leg which turned into to sepsis and her kidneys failed completely. No one knew that was around the corner when mum was admitted into hospital everyone including myself thought that she would get IV antibiotics then get home. It was horrendous watching mum fade away like that and bring powerless to do anything about it other than hold her hand and reassure my mum that everything would be ok. The last day when mum was able to speak she was scare she was going to died and that that point I never thought she would then 9 days later she was gone. I find myself thinking to phone her this happened tonight when the kids went to bed that was the time I'd call mum every night once the days hustle and bustle was over I had the time to speak with her to have a good chat when all was quiet at home. I miss this and I miss my weekly visits I can see mum so clearly like it was yesterday sitting in her wheelchair smiling at me arriving at the care home and then waving at me when it was time to say goodbye she'd always text me after saying it was so nice to see me. My mum was lovely asking for very little of people all she wanted as to be loved. Mum had a huge heart and do much time for everyone in the family. Covid stopped our weekly outings for lunch and our holidays where we got to spend a week together and enjoying some quality family time. Its so cruel that the Covid rules are slowly lifting and at a time where I would be arranging a holiday with mum and when I could now actually go inside the care home that mum is no longer here to feel any freedom. Covid robbed many people of physical contact with their loved ones i thankfully still got to see mum once a week but there was no physical contact allowed it was very difficult. When I seen mum in hospital I was able to hug her and stroke her head and actually sit right next to her but I never for one second wanted that contact to only come about because my mum was fighting for her life it's like some sort of cruel twist of fate. My poor mum was unable to enjoy getting out and about and hugging her family dye to Covid restrictions then she died. The sadness of it all is too much to bear.

mrssunshinexxx I meant to type I can completely understand how you feel not can't sorry

@Ttc42nearly43 it's just awful isn't it yes your children are so young I wonder if they will remember her I hope they do. I don't even have one picture of her holding my baby. Both my sisters had kids a while ago so she helped with childcare etc
It must of been so so tough to see her deteriorate nothing can ever prepare us for losing our precious mums. I'm crying my eyes out just typing this it's been a year and it's still just as hard as ever. It's exhausting. I've cried multiple times every day for a year it's just so hard.
Completely agree about covid it has ruined so much for so many and for so many people they lost loved ones this year and hadn't been near them for so long I can't remember the last time I hugged my mum, gutted. Then the next time I got to touch her and kiss her she was in a coffin
So brutal. I don't even know if I did the right thing going to the chapel of rest I feel haunted by it not a day goes by when I don't picture her there laying lifeless and cold