For Anyone Needing Support After Losing A Parent. Very Supportive Thread

[Mummylin]

Luckily I was keeping my eye on the thread so it would of been ok. Hopefully this new thread will once again bring comfort to newly bereaved.
To the newest posters, I wish you all the best in the coming weeks / months.
And to the longer term posters, thankyou for being such a support to each other. 💐

@mrssunshinexxx

Well this day last year was the last time I ever say my lovely mum alive, didn't even hug her. Bastard covid

Oh darling, sending you lots of hugs and strength x

It totally sucks @Crunchymum thank you x

It never goes away, for all of you.

I took bluebells from my garden to my mum today, she loved wild flowers. I felt so crushed she couldnt see them 😢 she had an aneurism in november 2019. She was 79 but full of life for her age.

That's what killed my mum @Wildswimming3 so fast x

@mrssunshinexxx

That's what killed my mum *@Wildswimming3* so fast x

I spoke to her at 7.30 pm the night before, she said she was very tired. I rang at 7 the next morning and got no answer. Still haunts me finding her

God that must of been awful truly awful so sorry you had to find her @Wildswimming3 my mum complained of a really bad headache then started throwing up and losing her speech went to hospital 6pm dead by 6.45am
Life is so brutal

@mrssunshinexxx

God that must of been awful truly awful so sorry you had to find her *@Wildswimming3* my mum complained of a really bad headache then started throwing up and losing her speech went to hospital 6pm dead by 6.45am Life is so brutal

sorry for you too, im sure you were told that it would have been very quick which is a comfort. Mum just said she was very tired. She looked very peaceful so im sure she knew nothing about it.

Different for mum I think from what my dad said her breathing very laboured and unconscious for hours her eyes were completely red and blood shot from the bleed. It's just harrowing I hate to think if she knew she was dying @Wildswimming3 don't understand why this has to happen to good people it's honestly ripped my life apart I will never recover from this. It's a huge trauma. I'm sure everyone on here feels similar and it's so painful x

@mrssunshinexxx I feel the same, my whole world has been destroyed. I struggle so much seeing similar aged mothers and daughters/grandchildren. I cannot imagine ever feeling true happiness again.

I feel the same I usually burst into tears @Hellomydarling33 it's completely shit x

I think the suddenness can be a double edged sword. Good for those who didn't have to suffer but bewildering and unbelievable for us left behind.

My mum text me at 9.30am saying she was feeling a bit off and was waiting for 111 to ring her back but she was fine. My sister messaged me at 10am to say ambulance had come out (suspected a bad panic attack which mum suffered with) but they didn't take her / mum refused to go. All her obs were OK barring fast heart rate but this isn't uncommon during panic attacks

11.30am I got the call she was being resuscitated (second ambulance called and subsequent emergency teams). She was dead by the time I arrived an hour later. Just like that.

My dad and sister had to perform CPR whilst the waited for the second lot of paramedics.

The paramedics then worked on her for some time and kept getting her heartbeat back but she couldn't maintain it. Dad and sister said she was gone the moment she collapsed.

Just writing it makes me feel destroyed again.

She didn't suffer but we all did.

I'm sure as death goes this was the best way for my mum and even though I knew she was very poorly, I didn't know she was dead until I walked into my family living room and saw her there.

How does does a person ever come to terms with that? I mean day to day I feel at peace with her being at home and her being with my dad and sister and it being quick but when my mind wonders for a second all I feel is that utter drop in my chest. That moment that the last ray of hope was taken away. That finality, that totality.

Sorry ladies, didn't meant to jump on. But sometimes getting it out of my head actually helps.

@Crunchymum don't be sorry, it's what we are here for. Sounds horrific. What did she die from if you don't mind me asking was it a heart attack ?
You are totally right it's easiest way for them but the worst for us, but I would rather my mum not of known pain for long than potentially suffer for years/ months with cancer for example and know that her life was going to be cut short and not be able to do anything about it x

She was recorded in the end as natural causes with heart failure.

She wasn't in the best mental health (suffered severe anxiety, panic and was virtually agoraphobic once the pandemic kicked in) but she wasn't in poor health per se.

I knew she didn't take as good care of herself as she should - she hadn't seen a dentist or GP in years or had a smear and she didn't seek medical help for her mental health - but she wasn't on deaths door. She didn't smoke, ate well, wasn't massively overweight. No warning signs about her heart at all.

Granted her poor mental health meant I didn't see her for a while before she died, she was very worried about covid and my youngest was ECV. How I wished I'd known and I'd have spent every freaking second with her.

Been a while since I've commented on here but I do read through it every few days. I can relate to so many of the comments on here and am almost resigned to never being properly happy again. I'm only 43 and life just feels very empty without that reassurance of mum in the background. We'd see each other once a week and call or email every day. I miss that. We lost my dad to cancer when I was 17 so I just feel lost without either of my parents here and I can't explain that properly to other people who haven't lost parents. Everything is overshadowed by my mum not being here. Had my in laws to visit recently and while it was lovely to see them, all I could really think was I want my mum here, I want it to be my mum seeing her grandchildren who she adored.

She was only 69 and it just feels so damn unfair. I can relate completely to your post above Crunchymum, the suddenness really is awful for those left behind. Bewildering is a good word for it. How can my mum have been fine and happy and well and making plans for the week ahead and on a video call with us one day at 6.15pm and then dead by 9.20pm the following evening?

She died on 3rd August but I won't ever know what time and I struggle with that. I know she was ok at 6.15 the day before when we skyped with her and then I found her the following evening after the friend she was supposed to meet let me know she hadn't turned up. She was still in bed and just looked asleep but had obviously been gone for a while by the time I got to her. I still feel traumatised by finding her and the events of that night waiting for police and coroners etc although I'm glad it was me that got to her first.

We found later she had suffered a haemorraghic stroke. I have no idea if she felt unwell later that evening after talking to us or if she had any idea she was dying. I am still haunted thinking she could have been lying there for hours knowing with nobody there to help her. I know the initial bleed caused 2 others so I can only guess it wasn't instant so I can only hope that it happened in her sleep and she was unconscious and unaware until she passed.

I've just had probate granted so now have to get on with selling her home - our family home for 40 years. It's the one place I feel close to both my parents and I know it's just bricks but my brother and I grew up there and both my parents died there. I'll be devastated to see it go and I have no idea what things to keep - I want to keep it all!

I try to take comfort in her not suffering and everyone says it's the best way to go but for me it's all just so awful and I have cried every single day since she died. I miss her so much.

@mrssunshinexxx

Well this day last year was the last time I ever say my lovely mum alive, didn't even hug her. Bastard covid

I'm so sorry, anniversaries are tough. All of it is tough. Hugs to you x

I'm so sorry, everyone. I can feel everything you're feeling so keenly. Those thoughts go round in your head, don't they? And the pictures, for those of us who were with our parents at the end. It's hard to let go of those images, or rather they don't go away. I'm not getting them as insistently now but they still come back and I feel that awful clutch in my chest and it's so vivid. Often just as I'm about to drop off to sleep (and then I can't for ages).

I still can't quite believe mum isn't here. My lovely mum, she was so full of life, and so funny, it's impossible for her not to exist.

I think I've asked on here before....has anyone had grief counselling? Was it helpful? I plucked up the courage to contact the Cruse helpline a couple of weeks ago but I'm afraid it was really not what I expected - very disappointing, to be honest. I don't want to sound ungrateful but it made me nervous that if all counselling might be like that, there's no point.

Thank you @chocorangeaddict77
That is no age to have neither parent it really is so unfair. Like you I was v close to my mum there honestly was not one day in my adult life that we didn't communicate whether that just be a couple of texts to check each other were ok. Massive void.
@Brillig yes I had cruse counselling and cancelled it after 2 or 3 I thought it was just too soon and too impersonal perhaps because over the phone

Thank you @mrssunshinexxx - yes, impersonal is the word I'd use, I think. They were well-meaning and sympathetic but it was at a bit too much of a surface level.

@Crunchymum the suddeness was the same for me. My mum was a single parent, Ive known my father and have no siblings. I have 2 lovely caring sons but if I tell them Im feeling sad they get upset. We live 3 hours apart and I dont have any other family nearby.

@Hellomydarling33 me to, seeing people with their mums having days out now makes me tearful. I also get cross when seeing people on the tv who are 100. My mum was so excited about her 80th and was planning a village party 😢

Hello everyone I wanted to join in on this thread as am struggling at the moment with my mum having passed away unexpectedly 8 weeks past Friday. Mum was 66 years old she had some underlying health conditions diabetes and high blood pressure. She got a cellulitis infection in one of her legs which she has had before but this time it was really bad and turned into sepsis which attacked her kidneys and she died after 11 days in hospital of kidney failure. 9 of those days I was by her side and fought for her as much as I could but it never made a difference.
Am left totally in shock and in disbelief that I will never see my mum again. We used to talk every day and I'd see her every week she was in a care home as needed quite a lot of support including nursing care for leg ulcers. I can't understand how this has happened from what started off as a bit of redness in her leg then she quickly went downhill and ended up in hospital. It seems wrong and so unfair. I can't get my head around the fact that she's gone forever.
Mum always needed a lot of emotional support and reassurance from me which was fine and I did my best to make sure that she was ok. In recent months mum was in a much better place mentally and she was supportive towards me and relationship issues am having with my husband which doesn't help right now but I don't think I ever properly realised until now how much I needed mum. Even as an adult I depended on that contact with mum and I miss this so much. Sometimes I call her mobile phone and listen to her answering machine message she sounds so hopeful that someone was trying to reach her. I try not to call too often and have cut back on this as it just upsets me more.
I visit mum alternative days at the cemetery I was going daily but I have young children and this was proving a bit challenging. I sit beside mums grave and it's disturbing to think of her under the ground. I hate thinking of her like that. I went to see mum 4 times at the funeral home. I needed to be with her and make sure that she was comfortable. Not many people understood this but this was a personal thing to me.

I don't know how to be without mum. If feels alien and unnatural not to be able to just lift the phone and call her. My heart is truly broken and the need her so much.

@Ttc42nearly43 I don't know what to say other than I felt / feel every word of that. I'm so sorry you are part of this awfuk journey too. There truly is no one like a mum x

A whole year since my wonderful mum passed away today. Time waits for no one it's terrifying how fast it's gone. Some days I don't know how I've made it
Thank you to everyone on this thread it's been such a comfort I can't explain x

Oh @Ttc42nearly43. That must be so hard for you. I completely understand the urge to pick up the phone and talk to your mum. I lived a long way from mine and I rang her every morning (and again at least once, maybe more, throughout the day). Today I had to fight so hard against the urge to pick up the phone and dial her number, it felt like a normal sunny Sunday like hundreds of others when I’ve rung and we’ve just chatted about nothing.

It must be especially difficult for you if she was giving you support in a bad patch with your relationship too. Is there anyone else who you can talk to?

And @mrssunshinexxx I’m sorry it’s such a very sad day for you today. Hugs.

Thank you @Brillig the pain just never seems to stop x

@Brillig and mrssunshinexxx thank you for your response am just desparate to speak with my mum. Mum was a constant in my life for my entire life I don't know how to be without her. I keep thinking about when she passed away in hospital I was there along with my dad and neice I just wanted to crawl on the bed with her and lie in her arms I couldn't there was enough space on he bed but I hugged her for ages just smelling her smell and feeling her soft skin. These memories keep going around in my head clouding my thoughts blocking out the happy times that I had with mum over the 43 years since she gave birth to me.
Am off work just now I haven't worked since 2 days after mum went into hospital I dropped everything to be with her and try to help her fight for her life. I don't know if I can ever find my way back. I don't think I even want to go back how can anything ever be the same again now that mum is no longer here.
I keep thinking about the things that she'll miss in her life even simple things like if it's sunny she will never be able to enjoy sitting in the garden and turning her face up towards the sun to feel the warmth on her face.