Dad died 2 weeks ago, mum died today

[lynsey91]

My dad died 2 weeks ago. Thankfully he died at home with mum, me and one of my sisters with him.

He had dementia and my mum and sister fought like crazy for him not to go into a care home. For the last few months he did have carers going in a few times a day but my mum did the majority of looking after him for the last 3 years or so. He could not even feed himself and had been bed bound for about 5 months

He came out of hospital on the Wednesday with a negative covid test and died on the Saturday. We now know he did have covid.

On the Monday mum became ill with a chesty cough and hoarse voice. We honestly thought she had a chest infection partly because we didn't know they could be covid symptoms and also because we all thought dad did not have it. We spoke to her doctor and he said she should get a covid test. We took her that day and next day the result came back positive

Me and DH stayed with her to look after her. She grew worse and was not eating and barely drinking so we had to call an ambulance. A week after dad had died she was taken into hospital.

No one was allowed to visit and we were all isolating anyway. Wednesday we had a phone call saying they didn't think she had long left and this morning we got the call saying she had died.

I just can't take it in. I was obviously upset about dad but he had not been well for a while and in a lot of ways it was a kind of relief for him and for mum even though she was distraught.

Mum has hit me so much more. No one was with her and I can't believe I will never see her again. I thought she would have a few years left at least and would no longer have the hard job of looking after dad.

My last memory of mum is speaking to her in the back of an ambulance telling her she would be ok and home soon. She looked so tiny and scared.

Neither mum or dad had been outside their house since last March apart from dad going into hospital and we had all been so careful. I live a 3 hour drive away and had only seen them twice since March.

Mum was 91 so yes she was a good age but she was fairly healthy and deserved a few more years.

Ah bless you so sorry you loss.
Don’t be too hard on yourself there was no way you could have known what was going to happen.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m thinking of you.

Oh OP, I’m so sorry Please take care of yourself.

I am so sorry. What a dreadful thing to happen. You must be heartbroken. Thinking of you.

How very sad to lose both parents so close to one another. All I can say is that I wish you well, and I hope that you will try to remember not how they died, but how they lived.

I am so sorry @lynsey91

Reading this is so sad. Heartbreaking for you and your family. I'm so sorry for your losses.

Sincere condolences.

This is horribly sad as it was no doubt the trip to hospital which brought Covid into their home. I am so sorry OP.

I am so sorry. This is extremely sad to read. You have a lot to process all in a very small time frame. Have you got good support? Life is so cruel.

Take care of yourself. Let everything go on pause for as long as you need to. The not saying goodbye on it's own will take you a good while to process sp please be extremely kind to yourself and let yourself off of whatever jobs that dont need to be done.

I’m so sorry to hear this. I lost my dad to covid a week ago and my mum is still hospitalised. It is so tough - especially as you were not able to visit and say goodbye. Covid makes everything so much harder. My thoughts are with you and your family xx

How terribly heartbreaking x thinking of you x

I am so sorry to read this. Your mum sounds like an amazing person, caring for your dad for so long, I know there were carers, but she must have been the mainstay of his support. As they say, they don’t make them like that any more.

im sorry for your losses, covid is terribly cruel

That is so, so sad. You're absolutely right that your Mum could have had a few more years yet. I'm just so sorry.

Such terrible sadness and shows what a shocking, cruel illness Covid can be.

You have all of my sympathies, OP. Please look after yourself

OP this is so terribly sad , I am so sorry for your losses. Heart breaking, I can not find better words right now.

Im so so so so sorry for your loss your mum sounds an incredible lady and very lucky to be loved so much. Sending you all the strength in the world x

Thank you all for such lovely messages. I am sobbing again, not that I have really stopped all day.

We tried so hard to keep them safe from covid and I really never thought that it would kill either of them let alone both. We only visited twice last year. My sister visited more and was getting their shopping but she didn't always go inside the house and if she did she wore a mask and kept her distance and no hugs. Now I just think why did we bother.

I do feel angry that dad was sent home with a negative test but I know that is no one's fault. He didn't really need to go into hospital but the paramedics were being cautious and, again, I don't blame them.

Mum was a very strong woman. I know she struggled at times with dad. Towards the end he was violent to her a couple of times and he would tell her he hated her and had never loved her. I am sure she knew it was because of the dementia but it obviously upset her.

She always tried to look on the bright side and she loved dad so much. They were married 67 years and until dad became ill would always hold hands indoors, walking down the street etc.

My sister and brother in law have now tested positive but so far brother in law is fine and sister only has minor symptoms. I am praying it stays that way.

There is every chance me and DH could have caught it off of her but I can't even think about that at the moment.

I thought last year was pretty shitty but so far this year is so much worse

Oh bless you. Your mum sounds lovely. They sound just like my mum and dad, holding hands indoors, never doing anything alone. Mine were together 63 years, and until Mum's dementia still sent the most amazingly loving birthday and Christmas cards too. Dad wrote love poems for her up to a couple of years ago! She would have known that the violence was the dementia, and although upset, it wouldn't have diminished her love for him.

Take care of yourself. You are allowed to cry as much as you want to, now.

Sending best wishes to you, your sister and brother in law too.

That’s so sad for you and your family. Sending you all my condolences 💜

I'm so so sorry for your sad loss. We just had similar. My Dad (70) has been ill for all of 2020 and my Mum was caring for him. He sadly passed away last November. The stress took its toll on my Mum (63) and she sadly died in January this year.
I can't believe I won't speak to her again. My heart feels broken.
Completely understand how you feel. Planning 2 funerals is horrendous.

@terraclutter

I'm so so sorry for your sad loss. We just had similar. My Dad (70) has been ill for all of 2020 and my Mum was caring for him. He sadly passed away last November. The stress took its toll on my Mum (63) and she sadly died in January this year. I can't believe I won't speak to her again. My heart feels broken. Completely understand how you feel. Planning 2 funerals is horrendous.

We are having a joint funeral in 2 weeks time. I agree it is absolutely horrendous trying to plan them. I just keep crying every time I try to discuss anything with my family.

@lynsey91 a joint funeral sounds hard and also a beautiful way to remember your wonderful parents.
My Mum was so heartbroken when we planned my Dads. It felt like when we planned my Mums we were planning for both. We had a slideshow with videos with both of them. We used photos of both. Songs they both loved. It feels now like we lost them both at the same time and I definitely feel like they are together. Massive hugs to you. It's such a strange and surreal time.

I can’t imagine how much pain you are in OP. I’m so so sorry. I wish I could say something to make it better. Just sending love