Please or to access all these features

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Handhold for sobsanta

104 replies

ArabellaScott · 09/12/2020 09:54

The other thread was full, so this is for sobsanta - somewhere in case you want to post or people want to post support.

We are all thinking of you today, and sending love and Flowers.

OP posts:
msssm · 09/12/2020 14:39

Sending all my love to you and your lovely family today. Rest in peace precious girl 💐

Rowgtfc72 · 09/12/2020 14:46

Thinking of you all today ❤ x

CottonHeadedNinyMuggins · 09/12/2020 14:55

Sending you lots of love. I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your Beloved Wyatt. Thinking of you all xx

LaPufalina · 09/12/2020 15:47

@sobsanta I've been thinking of you all day. I hope it went as well as it could have and sending love.

sobsanta · 09/12/2020 16:24

Thank you for this thread. We're home and the service was beautiful. I was struck by how few child graves were in one of the city's largest cemeteries. One child there is too many but in a city of thousands, a small section felt somewhat better. Like she'll have a small little gang around her.

DD2 cried for the first time since Wyatt died. She'd been holding it in for so long and she was finally able to let some out. It's far from done for her, counselling is being organised by 2 Wish Upon A Star and their fantastic professionals, but it's an important step.

I carried her coffin and lowered her into the ground alongside my husband, my dad, and my brother. I carried her into this world, I'll carry her until the very end. We're hoping to go back and see her Friday morning when the ground is still and her interim cross is up so we can see her flowers there. It's funny, yesterday the florist called to say that there was an issue with the flowers and the baby pink roses in the spray weren't available. I told them to add what they had - cerise and lilac among white and lots of greenery. That's the best little hiccup we could have wished for. The bright vivid cerise against the pale lilac felt much more like her than a lighter pink one-tone spray ever would.

I'm back home in pyjamas. The girls are eating a takeaway pizza on the sofa and I just want to go to sleep for a little while. The love that was shown today was incredible. The support from everyone has been insane. Everyone asked me to stop asking how they were but I had to. For them it's an intense day today and a grief that will dull somewhat. For me, it's just another day in the rest of my life. I have to live with this forever now so the least I could do is ensure everyone was coping well today. We coped. We cried, but we coped.

We're in this strange period now where we've said goodbye but we're without answers. The autopsy report may not be ready until next spring/summer and even then, may not have answers. I'll cope with that in the coming months as gracefully as I can but I'm just so fucking angry with the world because none of this makes sense. How dare my two year old girl die at all, let alone without an immediate explanation.

If anyone has words of spirituality or faith, please feel free to post them. I'm not a religious person but I am spiritual and anything to help align these feelings of anger at something more beautiful would help right now.

IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 09/12/2020 16:44

I'm heartsore for you Sobsanta. I don't know if someone posted this already, but it's the best way I can think about those we love dying. I'm not religious but I harbour a tiny bit of hope that dying is a little like this.

Gone From My Sight
I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,
spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone."

Gone where?

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,
hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.

And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"

Scrunchcake · 09/12/2020 16:47

Just wanted to repeat my thoughts from earlier, and send love to you @sobsanta and all your family ❤️

(think my thread got lost in the busyness of Chat www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/4101730-Thinking-of-you-today-sobsanta)

Trailing1 · 09/12/2020 16:59

Heartbroken for you, from reading the start of your original thread and all that has happened since. Sending you every bit of love and light.

endofthelinefinally · 09/12/2020 17:34

Sending you much love sobsanta.
Rest in peace, little soul.
Flowers

Peasbewithyou · 09/12/2020 17:48

I’ve thought of you and your family so much over the last few weeks @sobsanta. I remembered what today was. I am glad that it went as “well” as it could, without any hiccups.

I don’t have any words of wisdom, but just wanted to add another voice to the chorus of those who are thinking of you and your Wyatt tonight.

mollscroll · 09/12/2020 17:49

All love to you and your family Sobsanta. Been thinking about you all day although I know it’s not just this day you need your strength for xx

ArabellaScott · 09/12/2020 18:15

I'm glad it went smoothly. The flowers sound beautiful.

Anger is completely understandable - and also a healthy part of the grieving process.

My own beliefs on the subject of death align quite closely with those of Thich Nhat Hanh. It did take me many years to actually experience and deeply understand what he means here, but in some ways it's also very simple. Nothing is lost; nothing is wasted. You are never apart from your loved ones; you are part of each other and always will be.

OP posts:
PurplePansy05 · 09/12/2020 19:05

@Sobsanta You are incredibly selfless and graceful in all this, I don't know if it's the right word, but I'm finding it hard to find the right words now. I don't think we need to tell you you're strong, you're one hell of a woman. It tends to annoy me when people say that to someone going through loss and grief. We weren't given a choice, it has just fallen on us, unexpectedly, and it's the heaviest weight to carry in the world if it's the death of your child. This grief will gradually weigh less and it will be liveable with, but it needs time and love from others.

Death of a child never makes fucking sense. I've stopped looking for reasons, answers, justifications. I've concluded that some of us have a dose of terrible, absolutely terrible bad luck in their lives and it really is a complete lottery. Some of us make up those statistics that others do not want to look at because these things are too awful to imagine. There is no reason for your beautiful child to have died. There may or may not be a medical reason, but it shouldn't happen, it just shouldn't. It isn't fair. None of it is. Somehow, life doesn't fit in the "fairness" box.

But Wyatt's life, as well as her death, will not be in vain. She has left a legacy in you, your family and every single one of us who know about her. She'll live forever. Even though I'm not religious either, I believe in After Life and I know you and Wyatt will meet again.

You may wish to look at Zoe Clark-Coates instagram. There are also multiple accounts there helping bereaved parents and there is a beautiful group on Facebook called A Bed for My Heart. I think it would give you a lot of comfort.

Ending this with my favourite quote from Zoe, "Forever, for always, my child, you will be".

Xxx

IncludeWomenInTheSequel · 09/12/2020 19:06

I thought Rob Delaney's R4 piece was so moving and interesting too. His view that he can patiently wait and even enjoy his life, while fiercely loving all of his children, but when death comes he'll get to share an experience with his son who has passed, is really rather lovely. Sort of comforting.

Mummydaydreams · 09/12/2020 19:50

I'm so sorry that this happened and that you don't have any answers yet. I read once that every life, no matter how short, is a whole life lived and a whole life story. Wyatt's life brought joy and laughter and love to the world. She's changed you forever, and the world was changed in many lovely little ways for her being here for a time. I'm with all the other mums thinking of you and of your family and of your little girl.

SunshineCake · 09/12/2020 20:09

I think my heart just cracked when I read how you lowered Wyatt Rose into the ground.

I don't know what to say but know complete strangers are thinking of you and your family and Wyatt will never be forgotten by us.

💜💜💜💜💜

Caelano · 09/12/2020 20:46

Sobsanta it’s heart breaking. I can’t begin to imagine how anyone processes all the emotions... love, anger, grief. I hope you’re taking some comfort from the love around you in real life and the thoughts from the many of us who don’t know you but are privileged to know you and Wyatt through your words. As you say, you’ve been with Wyatt the whole way, from before she was born, all through her life and I believe in some sense she lives on in you and your dh and your other daughters. Her spark, her energy and love are part of your family.
@IncludeWomenInTheSequel thank you for posting ‘Gone from my sight.’ Ive always felt - hoped - those words describe death.

chilledteacher · 09/12/2020 20:57

I've been thinking of you, beautiful Wyatt and the rest of your family all day @sobsanta. I'm glad it went as well as it could, the flowers sound beautiful.

Take some time to be kind to yourself as well as looking after others. Thanks

Littleelffriend · 09/12/2020 21:22

I love the song by Kate Rusby called underneath the stars, it really calms my grief. I’m glad today went as you wanted

Forevermoaning · 09/12/2020 21:24

I read your previous post and I am broken for you , but at the same time admire your strength, your warmth, your love for your baby and the beautiful Mum you are. I just wanted to send you my love , and thought of you a lot after reading both of your threads . Sleep tight and god bless little girl xxx

IToldYouIWantedTheUnicorn · 09/12/2020 22:01

Sending so much love to you and your family xx

Whirlwind14 · 09/12/2020 23:21

Life is beyond cruel. Sending you so much love Flowers

numbbycocomelon · 10/12/2020 02:12

@sobsanta I have been following your thread from the very beginning for a month and wanted to let you know that I have been praying for Wyatt Rose, you and your family ever since your heartbreaking update.

I carried her into this world, I'll carry her until the very end. This literally made me cry and it will stay with me forever and I will send my prayers every time your words come to my mind.

I'm sending so much love and strength to you and your family. Rest in peace beautiful soul 🌹 xxx

SojournerUntruth · 10/12/2020 22:43

I’m so sorry to hear about your beautiful daughter. You need to use your strength for you as well as your family. I hope that slowly as time passes you will find the courage to break, to let the lump rise in your throat with the howl nestling under it and you’ll find to your surprise that it hurts but it won’t choke you. And it will feel worse and then better as each wave crashes. And she will also come to you in peaceful moments and unexpectedly and she will make you smile. And she will know you all by your love.

That is how it has been for me since my husband died. I’m remarried now with more children but he still knows where to find me and comes with me in small moments every day.

I don’t know musically what your thing is but reading about your girl made me think of Underneath the Ivy by Kate Bush. I think it’s because of the rose. I hope you don’t think that’s inappropriate. I think it’s a beautiful song.

Thinking of you all and your little one x

Caelano · 11/12/2020 23:33

I’ve been thinking of you today @sobsanta and wondering if you managed to visit the grave. I imagine you must feel drained right now. Grief is exhausting in a very physical as well as emotional way. Keep holding on, all of you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread