Support For Anyone After The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

I hope this thread will be as supportive and welcoming as we have had in the past. It is so heartwarming to see the support you all give each other. Wishing you all well. 💐

Sorry to hear about your troubles @CloseEncountersOfTheTurdKind

FWIW if you can do your cemetery visit safely (can you meet your family there?) then I'd just do that. I generally follow the rules but sometimes other things are just more important.

[quote FluffyFluffyClouds]@CloseEncountersOfTheTurdKind yay for sectioning. In a serious, supportive way - it seems so hard to actually get to the point where the professionals accept that someone is really not in their right mind and needs treatment whether they want it or not. I can see they've got to balance everything but in least one case in my family the "lala they seem ok to me!" approach ended very badly.

It is my second Xmas without Mum and I'm channeling her and cooking All The Things. I am half her after all so in a way she's not all gone IYSWIM. Seems odd not getting Dad's carefully curated wishlist though (bless him it did help).

I am not sure about grave visits, would it count as outdoor exercise? I need to go revamp Mum's grave but luckily it, I, and the route in between are Tier 2 so I just have to pick a day with good weather and remember not to have coffee before I set off [/quote]
Yeah it is good he's been sectioned really, hospital is definitely the right place for him at the moment x

3 months today for me. This time, day and and date in September was when my life changed unequivocally.

I am doing alright. We are all off school / work so it doesn't feel like a Monday. Normally on a Monday I sit at my desk and clock watch (thinking this time 2 weeks / 2 months ago I still had a mum) but today I've been distracted and didn't even note the time she died.

We made the decision to get a new kitten last week. My 12yo girl had to be put to sleep the week before mum died so I've also been dealing with that.

I feel like I finally have some light in the darkness (we are tier 4 here so all but locked down!)

Here is the little fella

He's lovely @Crunchymum

Exactly a year today since I lost my Dad. Been dreading it as it loomed. I've gone over it all hour by hour of what happened. I went out alone today to a place we visited. Went to a beautiful church which was peaceful and the Christmas music playing made it emotional but special. I sat alone trying to connect but I'm not religious I just hoped for a sign he was ok. I hoped to light a candle but there weren't any, probably not a good idea to have naked flames around all that hand gel !
It's no easier now than it was last year, I feel on the brink of tears often, I try to control the amount I think about it or I end up an exhausted emotional wreck.
To anyone going through this now, take it hour by hour then day by day. Be kind to yourself X

So sorry @laterfred
It bugs me so much the people I know that say it will get easier with time as like you say I have always said from the start that I can never imagine being the case

@laterfred

Sounds like you did the best you could to get through today and its almost over.

Losing him so close to Christmas must have been so tough.

I heard one if my mum's funeral songs today (its on one of my playlists as I love it too) and I left it playing. Sang along, felt fine and then an hour later I was in tears about something else. Grief runs so deep, it never stops, it never goes away, it just ebbs and flows. It's part of me now. It is who I am.

Has anyone heard of the book 'motherless daughters' by Hope Edelman?

Hi all,

Hope this is the right place to go for some advice - I have never posted before.

I lost a parent to covid in summer (completely unexpected, otherwise healthy parent in early 60s who was being very cautious and safe). It’s been a difficult few months. Whilst my husband has generally been supportive on a day to day basis, I am troubled by the fact that he wants to split up for New Years. His family live over on the other side of the English channel and they have been putting a lot of pressure on him to come and visit (this is nothing new - his mum is very attached and generally quite annoyed by my existence because it takes his attention away from her). Given the situation he saw her a couple of times pre UK lockdown (she used to come to see her parent here quite a lot) and then he went to visit for 4 days around 3-4 months ago.

When it came to discussing Christmas and New Years they asked him to come and stay for the whole month of December! We normally alternate Christmas and New Years between the two families and he assumed we would be doing the same this year. I told him I’m not coming as I need to be here for my surviving parent. He understood this but is still insisting on his spending New Years with them.

The firsts are always the hardest when you lose a parent - first birthday, first Xmas, first new year - and it really upsets me that he’s effectively abandoning me to go and be with his mum over New Years. He says he needs to make them feel valued, and therefore should spend a festivity with them rather than going at some other time.

His mum’s world revolves around her kids and she feels she can do no wrong. He acknowledges that she’s difficult but says she won’t much change so we just have to learn to manage her. In normal times I coped with this and things were slowly getting tiny bits better (eg, he finally stopped calling her for goodnight every single night). This was the first year he had a birthday in our own home as otherwise it’s always been in his parent’s place where she makes the cake, dinner etc and controls everything. It’s like a prison when you’re there to visit - you have to follow what she wants to the T. His family have not been particularly caring or supportive about the loss of my parent and have been putting pressure on him to visit despite the situation.

He is worried that one of his parents could die as suddenly as mine and then he would forever regret not spending this time with them, especially as they were asking him to come so much. I feel it’s him choosing them over me at a time when I really need support.

Am I being unreasonable?

@Ayoni1 sorry to hear about the loss of your Mum, it really is the worst thing.

No you are not being unreasonable at all, you are grieving and he is your husband. I would be upset about it Could you go with him or will you be alone? I would speak to him and say how you are feeling, you don't need to apologise for feeling this way either.

@Ayoni1 - suppose firstly is travel even possible if the UK is one of the countries? As can't imagine travel bans being lifted this year.
My mam passed away suddenly just over 4 weeks ago. My other half had to go the UK last weekend and just made it back before UK flights got shut down. He almost missed his flight back. I almost keeled over as I wouldnt have been able to cope without him by my side. So I can understand your need for support.
But I can also see the reasoning of worry about fear that something would happened and you'd never get a chance to see a parent again giving what happened to you and have to live with regrets. The suddenness of my mams passing made me so glad the 2nd lockdown in Ireland we took strict precautions ourselves but she wanted to take the small covid risk and see her grandkids cause I guess she liked to live that tomorrow may never come. I thank my lucky stars for my little one spending 1 last nanny day with her on the thursday and we had all been around the weekend (masks on adults and keeping distance and good hygiene). An aneurysm burst the Monday night and she was gone by Thursday. I can see both sides of things as I'm in dire need of my other half being with me but also can see the shock of sudden death putting fear into others.

Hi everyone.
Sigh. I am so sorry for all your grief. It hurts. I can feel the pain here so much.
What else can I feel? A lot of love. Lots of beloved mothers.
I am so sorry @mrssunshinexxx about your dad. That must be a huge hurt. A friend of mine, her dad did the same. And he had loved his wife, my friend's mum, so very much. She thinks he was just desperate to try and fill the void. Which of course you can't.
I don't know. I am sorry.
And @brillig I feel for you. Your mum sounds so wonderful too. And like you were so close.
I just wanted to come in, as I am quite... Introverted at the moment.... And say, I am thinking of you all.
I do have personal faith. Though I have had many moments of doubt! But I am very sensitive and sense things... And so I do talk with my mum. Every day.
She told me, I could always talk to her. And I knew she meant always.
It is a process. It doesn't go away. And yes... Not doing things is just as crucial as doing certain things.
Lots of love to you.

So accurate

Well I'm having a really hard day. My mum thought now was the time to start questioning me about my weight and describe me as rotund. I'm not: she's painfully thin and I'm a normal weight. Why now??? Dad was always telling her to leave me alone. I really wanted to call him to complain and have a moan with a sympathetic ear but I can't because he's not here.

So sorry @madnessitellyou she is being insensitive, what's your relationship usually like

@beeboop2018@Glitterb thanks for your messages. So sorry to hear of your loss too beeboop2018. It’s so scary to suddenly lose a parent like that, and tbh as much as others try to help, I don’t think they really understand unless they’ve been through it.

Yeah travel is possible with a negative test so he is going after Christmas. We have spoken about it a lot of times and he said he won’t be happy there without me either but he’s trying to balance things as best he can to make them happy and also spend good time here. I guess I’m just tired of arguing about it now so accepted that’s what he’s going to do.

For those of you who believe there is something more out there, this documentary gave me a little comfort for when I think about where my my loved ones are now...

Just a little message first of all to say I'm sorry to see new posters here . It's an incredibly difficult time for you without all the countries troubles. For all of you missing someone this Christmas, it will be extremely sad for so many of you. That includes me who constantly misses my mum. If you have children at home, like most mums you will put a happy face on for the sake of your children, but inside you will feel like your breaking. Somehow you will get through the day and maybe surprise yourself how well you have managed to cope.
And remember it's ok to feel sad and have a few tears.
Hoping you can all at least have a bit of happiness somewhere in the day on Friday. Sending heartfelt wishes to you all. 💐💐💐

Hello

Last week we lost our second parent. We lost the first at Christmas too. Both young (early and mid 60s). The pain is physical.

Any tips of getting through the next week - and making happy for children? I feel like a large pet of me has died also.

Hi everyone
My lovely dad died in September, and this is our first xmas without him. We had planned that my mum (who is in our support bubble) would stay with us for xmas, but now because one of my daughter's classmates has tested positive for covid, we are all having to self-isolate.
My brother has stepped up and is having mum there Christmas day lunch to Boxing Day, but she will be on her own Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. She is being very brave, and we all agreed it would be safer if she didn't come but I feel awful about her waking up on her own on Christmas morning. The worst part is that I feel like my dad would be really disappointed with me, and that I'm letting him down.

This may not be suitable for some of you but I put up a previous Christmas card that my mum had sent to me and dh. I can't tell you how it gave me a little lift to see a card that said " to my daughter and son in law " I do that each year and it helps me.
The thing that helped me through my first Xmas was being with lots of my family, but of course for many that's now not possible so I don't really know what to suggest.
Maybe put up a photo of your parents and put flowers by them so they are included somehow in your day. Or just do whatever feels right for you. I am sorry for all the losses. 💐

@Wwydcovidchristmas

So sorry to hear you have lost your surviving parent, the fact it is Christmas and you lost your other parent at this time of year is a treble whammy. I say do whatever you have to do to get through it. Depending on how old your kids are, they'll understand? And if not kids are really easily pleased this time of year? Movies / hot choc etc... do you have a partner to help?

@RoSEbuds6 I lost my mum in September and were in tier 4 and have a self isolating child so can't see my dad (tier 4 means we would have been limited anyway but at least we could have gone to his garden?) Thankfully he is in a support bubble with my sister so will have dinner with her etc. But I hear you. The guilt is overwhelming. He popped some cards and sweetie boxes in earlier and I've felt like crap ever since.

@Mummylin I could kick myself but other than the cards from when my kids were born, I recycle cards. So I'm essentially binned 40 years worth of cards from my mum . I have a lovely picture of her in the mantle piece (its actually of her in front of her Christmas tree!!) And lots of flowers...

I just feel very, very sad today and keep having to take myself off to have a "moment". But I'll be fine, the kids will have a lovely Christmas as they are young and excited.... and if all else fails, I have wine

Wishing each and every one of you as happy a Christmas as possible.

I'd like to send supportive thoughts to each and every one on here

Wwydcovidchristmas it's especially hard when you lose your second parent, I think. My darling mum has been gone just over 2 months now and yesterday was the anniversary of my dad's death 13 years ago. It all feels a bit much right now. I don't have children and even if I did, they'd be well grown up by now, so I can't properly imagine how very hard it must be trying to do Christmas for young ones while grieving yourself. You have all my sympathy and thoughts.

I have been mainly fine up until about an hour ago.
Everything sorted and just knowing that I would not be seeing my Mum tomorrow or even hearing her on the phone, I feel hollow.

Fluffy. It is a horrible time for you, but you can do this. Deep breaths and outwardly smile, although inside your heart is breaking. It is such a stressful time for someone facing their first Christmas without their mum / dad. 💐