Support For Anyone After The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

I hope this thread will be as supportive and welcoming as we have had in the past. It is so heartwarming to see the support you all give each other. Wishing you all well. 💐

My mum was as cold as marble when I got to her (no more than 90 minutes after she collapsed). She ran cold anyway bless her and my sister said she felt cold before she collapsed. But there wasn't any warmth or colour to her.

She still looked beautiful though. Small, pale but utterly peaceful and serene (yep even with a tube in!!)

My dad and sister went to see her about 3 weeks after she died (we had a long delay with PM etc) but I knew the moment I saw her body I was never going to see her again after she was taken by the undertakers.

That's another weird thing about it all. Until I walked into the living room, I didn't know she was dead. I mean I knew it was touch and go but noone ever said to me "she is dead"

I'd got the call at 11.55am that she was being resuscitated (she collapsed at 11.30am and my dad and sister worked on her for approx 15 minutes). My sister and dad were already there with her... One brother lives close by and was off work that day so he went straight round and I had to get someone to have my kids / waited for my other brother to collect me in a cab. We got to the house at 12:45pm and I still thought she was alive. I knew she probably wouldn't live given the gravity of it all but I thought she was still alive?

I walked into a room to find her dead on the floor. My sister was holding her hand.

Walking past several paramedics and seeing all the equipment on the landing should have been a clue that she was gone.

It wasn't a shock as such that she didn't make it. Taking that gasping call from my sister said it all really.... but i'd had some misinformation that mum was being taken to hospital? So my MIL who came to have the kids and is a retired nurse said they'd not try to move her unless they'd stabilised her.

Reality is my brother on the scene had misunderstood what had been said and told me that she was being moved when they'd said she can't be moved.

A little lightheartedness... I text MIL after I arrived:
"She was already gone when I got here" and a few hours later MIL text back and said "any news on your mum?"... yep she thought I meant she had already "gone to the hospital" by the time I got there....

I stopped using the term "gone" after that little ambiguity...

@madnessitellyou I am so sorry.
Does your work have any sort of employee support or counselling hotline you could try?
Monday may or may not be the same. Grief is a volatile thing but the body often can't sustain strong emotions for very long - e.g. you cry yourself out.
If I were your colleague I would make you some tea and put you in a quiet corner with some very simple repetitive stuff that wasn't very urgent. Appreciate though that this depends on your job. If things get really bad GPs can often be helpful (sign someone off with stress for a bit for example).

And I'm not having a pop at my MIL, whom I completely adore. She felt awful when I called and explained (MIL was sobbing down the phone)....

My dad had a similar situation when he broke the news to his sister.
"J collapsed earlier today, she was so poorly, they worked on her for ages etc..."
To which my aunt asks "but where is she?" (assuming the answer would be hospital) and dad had to say "she's dead"

It just goes to show how utterly unbelievable and inconceivable her dying was (is)

@madnessitellyou

So sorry to hear about your dad.

Do you want to tell about him? X

@Crunchymum mix-ups happen... I remember when SiL was on her way out, OH said,
'I bet she'll die and no-one will tell us'
and indeed a few days later he rang up to be told that X and Y had gone to see the solicitor and undertaker, so yes that was exactly what happened.
Nice people but generally not the most together...

@FluffyFluffyClouds they do, good shout.

@Crunchymum so sorry for your loss.

Dad was elderly and had numerous health issues, due mostly to age, but was as sharp as anything. He'd just got to the stage where he was needing a lot of help and he was hating it. He asked me to go round one evening to help with something but I was tired and made arrangements togo round the following evening. He sounded fine: why didn't I go? Why did I have to be so selfish? When I did go the following evening it was clear to me that he was reaching the end. He died 48 hours later with me and my mum by his side. I can't get the moment he went out of my head.

Without a doubt we clash when I was a teenager. I wasn't fitting his idea of going out to work like he did and was angry at tge thought of me staying in education. But then I started a postgraduate degree and was at home. He'd been retired a few years by then and mum was still working and we became so close. We'd go into town before my shift at the supermarket for a scone and a brew at our favourite café. If he thought I needed a break from study he would nip out and buy me a custard slice or a doughnut to keep me going. He admired my work ethic and told me so. He was funny and so very wise.

He sounds like a wonderful man @madnessitellyou he wasn't "perfect" but he was your daddy. Most important man in your world. And he would have known it.

For me the guilt has been the hardest part. There is always something to feel bloody guilty about???

Do you think you need to take a bit more time off work?

I work M-W and mum died on the Monday. I took the Tues and Weds off and went back the following week. I WFH, there is no way I could have been in the office. I also found the distraction helpful (I have 3 little one's so I'm all about the distraction!)

@madnessitellyou my heart goes out to you. Two weeks is such a short time. Of course you'll be in deep grief. Your Dad sounds lovely and his loss must feel devastating.

Guilt - oh god, the guilt. So many things to torture myself with. To wonder whether, if I'd done things differently, my DM would still be here. And I'll never know. I'll always regret it and wonder. Whereas it could also have been worse; she lived on her own and could have fallen and hurt herself badly and not been able to contact us for hours. So I try to make myself remember that at least DSis and I were both with her at the end - it had always been my dread that I wouldn't be because I live a very long way away.

When she'd died we sat with her, too, and talked about ordinary things - which felt completely right and not strange at all. Just the way we'd sat a million times before, all together in the living-room. And when the doctor had been to verify the death, he said goodbye to DSis and me then turned to the bed and nodded to Mum as well. I felt so grateful to him for that. It said she was still there as a person.

Can I join? I lost my lovely mum three weeks ago, her funeral was last week. I am totally and utterly devastated. She was in a care home and I hadn't seen her properly since March, when they locked down, apart from a few visits at a window or in the garden. She was 85 and frail but fully with it mentally and simply faded away, as she missed us all so dreadfully. She didn't have the Covid virus, but Covid killed her. I was able to be with her for her last 24 hours, I held her hand, hugged and kissed her, told her how much I loved her and would miss her like mad. I hope she could hear me.
I don't know how I'm going to carry on without her in my life.

Oh gosh @RosewoodBox

I'm so very sorry. Your pain in palpable.

I think in the early days, its all about "keeping going" and doing whatever you need to do to get through it.

Your mum would have heard everything you said. And she will know how loved she was (is)

@Crunchymum

Oh gosh *@RosewoodBox*

I'm so very sorry. Your pain in palpable.

I think in the early days, its all about "keeping going" and doing whatever you need to do to get through it.

Your mum would have heard everything you said. And she will know how loved she was (is)

I hope she did. We texted every day and said how much we loved each other. I hope me being there at the end comforted her a bit and I really hope she wasn't scared. She just missed me so, so much, just as I will miss her now. Somebody once told me that grief is the price we pay for love. How true that is.

Oh @RosewoodBox your post made me cry, I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you find a small amount of comfort on this thread, I know I do x

@RosewoodBox I'm so very sorry.

My dad declined during lockdown. Markedly so.

After my meltdown on Friday I simply do not know how I am going to face work tomorrow. I'm relatively new and don't feel I can take any more time off.

madness

Is WFH an option or would you consider getting signed off?

Is there a sympathetic senior staff member you can go to?

Sorry you have this added stress on top of everything else.

WFH isn't an option unfortunately. I think I'm just going to have to see how I get on. It's strange because I don't want to be at home particularly; I just don't want to do anything.

I hear ya.

I've just had a week off (annual leave) and it was rubbish. Way too much time to sit and think and the wine consumption went up too but I don't want to go back to work either.

Nothing eases the feeling of "wrongness" at the moment (not even the wine )

I suppose lockdown isn't helping but I don't feel up to seeing many people at the moment. Meeting a friend would mean inevitably going over it all again.

Actually I realise that other than family and a friend who's DC does swimming lessons with mine, I've not seen any friends for ages (pre mum's death). Lockdown has a lot to answer for.

Luckily we have big families I guess and I'm in touch with several friends regularly via WhatsApp and facetime.

Sorry, I've gone off on a tangent there.

What I mean is I think the way you feel is completely normal (disinterested in everything) but the people around you will be there if you want them to be. And if that isn't today or tomorrow or anytime soon they'll still be there when you are ready.

Just came on to say I hope you’re managing OK today @madnessitellyou

It’s tough. Hugs.

Hi everyone.
I've been a bit aeol. Had some hard days and had to work through them.
I thought of you all, and knowing you all would understand helped. So thank you.
I'm so sorry for all the new losses. I feel for all of you who are in your dark days. Sending hugs.
I am low today. But pushing through. Had a cry. Chatted with mum. I feel her strongly.
To all who are feeling guilt.. Please, unless you really have something dreadfully wrong you did, please don't beat yourself. I understand, I really do. But, take a breath, take a moment, and connect to your parent, and see what they send to you about this guilt feeling.
And... I am sending love. To you all. 🙏

Today has felt better. And work wasn't as awful as I'd feared. In fact no one mentioned what happened in Friday at all.

My mums cremation took place last Thursday, got to wait up to six weeks for the ashes now. I woke up thinking about my 5 close friends whom I've been messaging even through lockdown, to check on them. Only one has contacted me during the past 4 weeks and knows, the others haven't messaged me at all. I didn't realise at first because I was so consumed with grief and busy making the arrangements and notifications. Feeling very sad, like I don't matter. Sorry for the pity post!

So sorry @Beautiful3. I think sometimes it's that people just don't know what to say. A friend of mine, who suffered a horrible loss, once told me that its better to say something than nothing at all. I'm so sorry that you don't feel like people care

@madnessitellyou thank you so much for your lovely reply. I was so upset this morning. That is good advice from your friend, she's right.

The others friends don't actually know my mums gone, because we haven't spoken for the past 4 weeks. It's not on my social media either. Think it's more likely that everyones back to work, shopping for xmas and generally busier. Now I've had my camomile tea, I've decided not to take it personally and just move on.

I hope your mum's cremation went as well as it could @Beautiful3 ?

I actually found my mum's was one of the nicest funerals over ever been to. Felt like a wet rag for days afterwards though.

I'm not on social media and I let a few close friends know (they then put the word out to other people) and I was inundated with messages and flowers etc. It didn't make me feel any better, to be honest. I had bouquets of generic (death) flowers and people who I hadn't spoke to for months sending me the same message "sorry for you loss"

I realise I sound utterly ungrateful, those closest to me (a handful of 4 friends) are the ones who have kept me going.... but I did have to reach out to them and tell them my news.

Some people don't know what to say and others just drift away.

I hope you find support and comfort where you can.

I totally understand. And yes... It is DEFINITELY better to say something than nothing! Sure, it's hard to know what to say and do, but certainly not as hard as what the person with the bereavement is going through.
These are moments when some people surprise us, for worse or for better. And I think it's good to take from that and live life accordingly. As @Crunchymum said, some people drift.
Much love to you all today.

Thanks for your message @Crunchymum. It was a direct non attended cremation. The cremation fees fell to me, and that was all I could afford. If we had a ceremony then only 6 would have attended, due to peoples feeling regarding covid 19 any how. In a way it's best it occurred during this time. I did visit her in the chapel of rest which was oddly comforting. I hugged and spoke to her, it gave me closure. Probably I should directly tell my friends what happened, instead of wondering if they care. Might do that later. My father is very lonely and sad. I'm spending every other day with him. He cannot read nor write so he gets worried when ever letters arrive, so needs me to read them and explain what they are. I'm feeling very sorry for him.