Support For Anyone After The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

I hope this thread will be as supportive and welcoming as we have had in the past. It is so heartwarming to see the support you all give each other. Wishing you all well. 💐

Agree @Brillig it's one of the hardest things I deal with my dads mum is still alive but losing her memory I love her so much. My mums mum died 13 years ago we weren't close and I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I'm not sure if I loved her ? And it makes me think well I had her in my life until I was 14 and I felt/feel like that, my little girl never met my mum so how on earth will she ever understand just how much she would of loved her and been loved by her
I really struggle with this especially as my relationship with mil is so difficult these days and she is here to try and play the perfect grandma and I don't want it

Thank you for the ideas @mrssunshinexxx

As odd as it sounds, I don't want to interfere with mum's ashes, so wherever she goes she goes in totality. I like the idea of jewellery (considered it for my cats ashes) but that item would then become the most important thing in the world and I don't want the burden / responsibility of keeping it safe. Sadly we aren't in our forever home so the garden isn't an option.

I actually spoke to my dad today and we are going to go with plan a. Mum is going in the garden of remembrance, back to nature.

I'm going to get something custom made (at some point) with Amber my cats name and mum's birthstone. At least if that gets lost or destroyed it isn't anyones ashes.

@Brillig I know people who have family outings to the cemetery!!! My mum would turn in her metaphoric grave if I had my kids at the cemetery.... she'd want me to take them somewhere fun.

I think my MIL was a little bit perplexed about my mum's funeral. That side if the family are used to big, loud, long funerals (they are Irish) so our quiet, very small and intimate service was alien to her. She couldn't understand why no kids were invited???

My MIL is actually a bloody lovely woman, she has been a huge source of support, comfort and love to me and I know my mum was happy in the knowledge that me and the kids are so well looked after by her and the rest of DP's family.

Its just weird how different we all "do" death?

@Crunchymum that makes total sense hadn't really thought of the worry of never misplacing it.
That is good my mil has been pretty insensitive since mum died we used to get on well but not any more x

How are you @Spiritwriter x

@mrssunshinexxx hi. Thanks for thinking of me. I'm up and down, up and down. Riding with it. Disliking the intense pain, good with the connection, working through the philosophy. Feeling OK today.
Funny the talk turned to mil. I have never been keen on my husband's mother. And it got worse. She's so nicey nice and superficial. I don't trust her. Known her for 24 years and yet never known her.
I feel the same as you. My mum was truly close to my children. I will make sure that is remembered. And the love bond is never broken. And lives also through us.
Hugs to you.

Good morning to all and sending virtual hugs.

I had a very long talk/unburden to a dear and old friend yesterday. We've known each other for many years and go for long periods without being in contact, but always seem able to pick up instantly when we do speak.

She listened patiently to me as I talked and cried. She only met my mum once for a weekend but they connected and she always remembered her fondly. And I was overjoyed that she remembered something, a detail in one of my mum's funny stories that I'd totally forgotten and that brought her so vividly back to mind and made us both laugh.

Being unable to spend time with friends and family in person feels really hard at the moment, I so desperately want to hear other people telling me good things they remember about my mum. Things I didn't know or things I'd forgotten. Does that make sense?

@Brillig it absolutely makes sense. I feel exactly the same. I have no siblings that I can talk to, aunts, cousins, etc. Just my own little family and my dad. I am finding that I am reaching out to people and building new relationships... An old teacher, a friend and Co worker of my mum... To make a connection with others who knew my mum and in a way I may not have. Yes... It makes sense. And... It feels so good to hear others feel the same way. About talking about their mum, about the mil, etc.
I am glad your friend could tell you something so precious xxx
And I'd love to hear about all your mums.

I'm so glad you also feel that @Spiritwriter. There's a reason why people have gatherings after funerals, to talk and share memories and stories about the person they loved and lost. The fact we can't easily do that at the moment is really hard. It does matter. These rituals matter.

I made contact with a relative of mine whom I've only met once in my life (we're a v small family and not especially close) but I did want to tell him about Mum. We had a really good chat and he shared a memory from when he was a youngster - when Mum was still single and before I was born. That's the sort of thing I feel I want to hear at the moment.

God I hate Sunday's. Will be 8 weeks tomorrow.

Every Sunday I end up of the mindset "this time 8 weeks ago I had a mum" (I then remind myself I still have, and always will have a mum, she just isn't physically here anymore)

I'm so wrung out, I don't have the capacity to reach out to mum's extended family. She has cousins and a brother (and niece and nephew, my cousins) who she kept in touch with virtually but I'm not on SM. I could email or WhatsApp but I just cannot face the platitudes. I can't tell another person the story!! I can't tell another person I'm OK.

In time I think I'll make contact (my youngest brother and my sister have them as FB friends so there is contact).

It was my eldest DC birthday yesterday. So we had the first birthday card I've ever seen in my life that was written by my dad and not my mum. Its so fucking shit. These little things that you never expect, hurt so much. I'll never get another card from her the sign off 'love from mum and dad' doesn't exist anymore.

I don't keep cards (barring new baby ones) and I'm absolutely gutted that I've thrown out 35+ years of my mums cards.

@Crunchymum I think there is no right or wrong re your mums ashes, I chose not to collect them and let the crematorium scatter them as its what my mum did with my dads.
The funeral directors phoned me to say my mums ashes were available to collect and seemed surprised that I didn't want them. Which made me feel that they thought it was unusual and I did wonder if it made me look a bit heartless.
But I have also heard people say they felt burdened by the need to make the moment of scattering ashes perfect.
I'm nearly 4 months along and feel its starting to sink in a bit now after weeks of numbness.

It is now 3 months since my dad died, I was by his bedside when he passed. The awful thing was that I had to go & wake my brother (we were taking turns to look after him on the night shift) and ask him if he'd definitely "gone" before I woke my mum. She was for once getting a good night's sleep knowing we were looking after dad, and I struggled to wake her, only to have to tell her that dad had died.It was truly horrible.
I still haven't really talked to any of the family about this, and whenever mum tries to discuss it I change the subject as it's too painful and we will both end up getting upset. I feel I'm on autopilot dealing with all the official things that need sorting and helping mum with everything, and almost feel guilty I haven't truly cried for my dad yet. In fact just writing this down has helped me immensely...

@Ifonlyiweretaller My dad passed a way a couple of months ago too after a very short illness and I found it very hard to cry. I felt like I couldn’t let the emotion in as I had to be strong for my Mam and everyone else. I thought that if I started crying I wouldn’t be able to stop and I needed to look after my Mam like my Dad wanted me to. Dad is gone a little over 5 months now and the last two days have been so hard. I am awake since 5 crying thinking of him and the fact that I’ll never get to talk to him again. With this lockdown I feel it’s making me confront my grief very head on and there is no running away from it. I wish I could go away go shopping go for meal anything just to distract me for even 5 minutes. It’s constantly there and it is wearing me down. My Dad was a real up and at it type of man and he passed that on to me we never sit easy and would always need to be busy. I am finding working from home and not being able to meet friends and family very hard. We are in a bubble with my Mam so see her every day but every time I see her my heart breaks a little more as she is so lost without my Dad she idolised him and he was the heart of our family. Sorry I am rambling now I am so sorry to everyone who has lost a loved one here.

It's been a bit quiet here, how is everyone faring?

It will be 2 months tomorrow since mum died. I really don't know how I feel. Its been an easier few weeks (since we had her birthday) and the pain has eased a bit. I've had lots of momentary sadness but none of the deep, dark, unshakeable sadness the early days bought.

Christmas is going to be the next "tough" time to get through. My mum loved Christmas, she was Christmas and the photo we used on her order of service was one of her in front of the Christmas tree and she was just so happy and beautiful and smiley in that picture.

It will help that I haven't been at my folks house for Xmas in the past 4 years (we started doing separate Xmas days once we all had loads of kids) and a pared down / lockdown Xmas will mean everything will be different and low key this year but there'll be so many moments that I'll miss her and want to call and her and hear her voice.

I just feel so low all the time

Hi all, feeling the same as you really mrssunshine, just low and sad and just muddling through the days. Not really sure what the purpose is anymore. After my dad died when I was 17, mum was just always there for me. I feel I've lost my grounding and sense of who I am and where I came from as well as the one person who loved me unconditionally.

I'm in the middle of trying to sort out inheritance tax and probate which is time consuming and frustrating and everything comes with an added "because of covid" delay. I might scream if I hear that one more time. I'd hoped to get the paperwork done this side of Christmas but one of mum's pensions owes her more money and I'm still waiting for them to work that out and then it's back to HMRC to recalculate her income tax - took them 10 weeks the first time round. And some companies don't seem to be able to supply basic info like what was owing on the day she died - looking at you british gas who are impossible to get through to and have sent me the wrong bill 3 times now. Just frustrating and slow and holding everything up and it's just me dealing with her estate.

It'll be 16 weeks on Monday and I still just can't comprehend that. How can it be 16 weeks since I could phone my mum up and chat and laugh with her? How can it be 16 weeks since I last gave her a hug or saw her enjoying time with her grandchildren? I just feel so cheated of the years I should have had with her and sad on her behalf for the years ahead she should have had to enjoy and I don't know how to get over that.

I'm not interested in Christmas at all and I'm usually the most enthusiastic Christmassy person - but it was always something I shared with mum, the run up to it, planning food, talking about decorations, what the kids were up to, what presents we were getting for family etc If it wasn't for my kids I wouldn't bother with any of it this year. I said that to my husband and he just got cross with me. I feel guilty for missing my mum and the impact it's having on us all.

It feels more and more like others have forgotten or expect me to have moved on or simply just don't ask anymore. She's the last thing I think of when I go to sleep and the first thing I think of when I wake up. I'm searching for signs of her everywhere and nothing. Her home is just like she could walk in at any moment (I have to go over and check on it regularly) but there's no feeling of her there anymore if that makes sense. The only dreams I've had about her are nightmares and I find myself listening to voicemails she left me and searching through old cards/paperwork trying desparately to find anything that might bring some comfort. Nothing does. It catches me out at random moments and feels like I've been punched and I just want to go somewhere remote and scream and scream :( I know I will need help but honestly my GP is crap, I hate talking on the phone and nothing is face to face anymore and in reality nothing anyone says will change the fact she's gone. I can go through all the oh well she passed in her sleep (we think) and how great she wasn't ill for ages like my dad and didn't suffer etc but while that's true it doesn't make any more sense of it all and it doesn't change just the complete emptiness I feel knowing she isn't there.

Oh @chocorangeaddict77 Your post has touched me to the heart. I feel so much of what you say.

My mum loved Christmas too and although she was housebound she’d have been sending away for all sorts of little presents for us, and making lists of special things for me to get. It had become my job to do the organising for her, but she was still so involved in it all despite being in her 90s. I’m afraid I’ve also told my family that I just can’t face trying to buy presents this year, it’s all too painful (they’re many miles away as well, which makes it all the more difficult).

I too wake up and instantly tell myself ‘Mum is dead’. Part of me still can’t believe it.

I miss her so very much and I have flashbacks to her last days. There are still a lot of tears. I’m so sorry, I feel I understand so well what you’re feeling.

@chocorangeaddict77

You describe how I feel on the deep, dark, very sad days. I'm glad (albeit feel quite guilty) that bit all my days are like this.

I'm sorry your GP is so crap, is seeking something privately an option? Maybe grief counselling?

I feel flat, flat, flat about Christmas, which is a shame as like mum, I usually love this time of year.

I know to a some degree everyone is going to have a quiet / different / low key Christmas but I can't imagine having any proper fun (I'll fake it for the kids) or real joy.

I always take my mum (and MIL) a bunch of Christmas flowers on Christmas Eve as we spend the actual day at home. Breaks my heart to even think of this tradition. Last year I didn't go in to see mum as I was rushing around. I left her flowers in her hallway. How short-sighted and selfish of me. I didn't even have time to have a Baileys with her on Christmas Eve.

@Crunchymum don't beat yourself up about that , you mustn't. I know it's so hard, I often think about the few times I snapped at her and feel so so guilty and sometimes she would be around when I finished work in town and she would text me asking if I wanted a lift home and sometimes I would say no because I wanted the fresh air, if I could go back I would say yes every time.

@chocorangeaddict77 you feel cheated because you have been cheated, we all have and so have our parents. I can't be arsed with Christmas at all it's going to be very low key normal day here just the 3 of us abs thankfully my baby is small so she doesn't have a clue what's going on.

Next week will be the first anniversary of Mum's death. Life is so inexorable in the way it carries us away from this who've departed it.
I dreamed about holding Mum in my arms last week - it felt very real, it felt like a gift. To know that somewhere in my synapses the memory of her is still there, pristine. I don't look at photos, videos etc as they'll muddle up with those precious memories.

I have finished making my Dad's jumper into cushion covers. I tend to think of him as the sturdy chap inside the jumper rather than the old man he was in his last couple of years. We didn't have the relationship I would have liked but although he just didn't do emotional support, he was always sound if you needed something lifting.

I have more spare time now and I'm hoping to cook more Xmas stuff myself this year. Mum used to make fantastic flaky pastry mince pies among other stuff. Time for me to step up now.

@FluffyFluffyClouds

I'm sure your mince pies will be just as well received as your mum's. You've taken the mantle now and I'm sure you'll do your mum proud.

Today (as expected) has been rubbish.

I keep looking at the clock and thinking "this time two months ago"....

Well this time two months ago I was sitting with my siblings and my dad in the living room of my childhood home, with mum's body on the floor. We got to have several hours with her, which was very comforting. She still has the tube they intubated her with but that never bothered us (my poor dad and sister had performed CPR on her and both agreed how she was in those few hours before her body was taken was so peaceful). She was covered by a blanket and we spent all afternoon with her. Sometimes one of us sat down with her and held her hand or srtoked her hair, or kissed her. Other times we sat around talking - it felt so utterly normal to do this? I'm sure we even managed a few little laughs about the absurdity of it all. She was still there, still part of the family. Of course she always will be part of us but on that day her actual, physical presence was beautiful. Even though she was cold and pale, she was still there with us all.

Then at 5pm on 21st September we said goodbye, one by one, I went first and had to listen to my poor dad and my grown brothers and my sister say their last words too. I can remember what we all said. Words are always futile in such circumstances but I feel like we all managed to express our love and our gratitude that we'd had her at all.

Then she was gone. And that was the last time I ever got to see, touch, smell, kiss and cuddle my mum.

We were so lucky to have the time we did on that horrible day. I'll treasure it, as well as always feel so heartbreakingly sad about having my poor, dead mum on the floor as the world didn't even stop for a moment.

Those are heartbreaking but beautiful words @Crunchymum. You need to say all this and remember it. It's so important; there's nothing more important, in fact.

Your beloved mum lives on in you now and always will xx

Thank you Brillig

We are them and they are us. We are linked inextricably - I find that a huge source of comfort usually but today it's not cutting it. I just want my mum, in the flesh. I just want to give her a hug and hear her voice.

It's just all a bit crap

Beautiful but heartbreaking words @Crunchymum I remember so clearly visiting my mum in the chapel of rest I will never get over she was as cold as ice

Hello. Please can I join?

My dad died two weeks ago. We were really close and I am not coping. At all. I took four days off work and felt like I was taking the piss to take more so went back in the day after the funeral.

I'm always mad busy at work so was grateful for the distraction. And I've been fine. But yesterday something snapped in me and I couldn't stop crying. It was awful and I'm dreading Monday.

I feel sick all the time, though I get hungry enough to eat. I'm exhausted. I don't want to do anything.

@Crunchymum I too sat with my Mum after she'd gone.

Took (very Victorian!) a lock of her hair. Said a few last things to her.

Waited for the doctor to come and do the official tests. There was a bit of a wait as urgent calls to live patients come first. I didn't mind this. Like you I knew that this was my last chance to spend time with her. But I could see the natural changes that come with death and I knew that there would come a point where she seemed not quite herself any more.

The doctor was lovely - I knew about this already, but he explained to me that he'd be treating her in exactly the same way as he would have e.g. the day before. I found it very very touching to hear him say her name and talk to her so kindly. I didn't stay long after he'd gone, but like you @Crunchymum I treasure that last time I got to sit with her and am grateful to my OH and her lovely partner for giving me the time alone with her.

I was crying again today walking the dog. It seems like I am now sort of grieving normally, a bit.
I'd like to get down to her grave after lockdown and update the planting. Actually I think you're sort of allowed to "pay respects" at a grave, but given it's a one and a half hour drive it feels like it would be taking the piss slightly, it can wait another couple of weeks.

@Brillig I too find it very comforting that I am half my Mum, her messenger to the future as it were. I didn't really want children but I am a little sad that the line stops with my generation. However in other combinations, the genes that made up Mum are out there still as she did have the odd cousin. It's not like we're the last Neantherdals or anything!