Support For Anyone After The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

I hope this thread will be as supportive and welcoming as we have had in the past. It is so heartwarming to see the support you all give each other. Wishing you all well. 💐

That’s a good point about her DNA. Mum had blonde hair and so does DS. I’ve always liked that as we lived the other side of the country to her, it was a reminder.

I carried on walking after my friend went. It was indeed a beautiful day. I sat in a place that Mum liked the view from.

@mrssunshinexxx interesting question, suspect stepDad will be mourning for a while yet and in any case he has legal reasons for either having just a girlfriend who keeps her own house or holding out for marriage if a very special woman comes along.
My stepMum may feel like experiencing what it's like to please just herself for a while yet! Dad, well, put it this way, I can count times he cooked for us on the thumb of one hand...

I booked my mums cremation yesterday. I was surprised to find out, that we wouldn't get the ashes until the end of January! Still have alot of places to ring up on monday. Wondering how long until it's all sorted! My sympathy and thoughts are with you all.

Offering a handhold @Beautiful3 - I don't know when we'll get my mum's ashes either. It could take a while, apparently. Thinking of you through the next days and weeks.

Tomorrow it will be a month since my beloved mum died. I can still hardly believe it. Her presence is so strong still.

That hadn’t occurred to me re. ashes but Mum wanted hers scattered in the Malverns which would be tricky to arrange right now.

It’s amazing how the time goes @Brillig. It’s 3 weeks today for us.

Does anyone have any siblings not attending the funeral? One of my DBs is now unsure as he hadn’t spoken to Mum for 20 years and dislikes her husband.

Checking in with you all. I'm so sorry to hear and feel your pain, but I am grateful I'm not alone.
That must be hard, hearing about your dad thinking of dating. I think your response was very understandable and reasonable. I'm sorry you have to deal with that as well as 'just the grief'.
I have thought of you all, but have been struggling and managing as best I can. I am having a quiet day reading today, and trying not to feel guilty as all the children and husband are out at school and work.
It doesn't get easier as such does it? Just... Sort of integrated into reality.

Another one checking in.

7 weeks today since my mum died. Sometimes it feels like 7 years and other times it feels like 7 hours???

I've had a pretty good week after her Birthday last Monday, I think I've even managed a few days without any tears.

Saw my Dad the other day, I am so proud of him and how well he is coping. He said he'd been out to buy "a load of cards" before lockdown and also all the Christmas selection boxes for the grandkids [there are 12 of them... all aged 12 and under!]. Bless my lovely dad for even thinking of those things.

Lockdown means I wont officially see Dad but I'll get him to meet us in the park at the weekend.

Thank you @Brillig, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm starting to lose track of time and not know which day it is! Hoping my mind returns soon! Bless your dad @Crunchymum. I Know It's very hard for him. My father is suffering too. i keep popping in to see him. He's decided to take up baking to fill in his days, and would like for me to teach him. I'm taking some ingredients over on Wednesday, hopefully he'll make a Victoria sponge!

I am lucky in that I see my dad every day. He's not taken up baking though, which sounds lovely xxx it is good yiur dad is thinking like that @Beautiful3
My dad comes round every day for tea and stays the evening.
I feel bad that I don't go there as much... I want to, but I want to just sit on my own and soak in my mum. I feel her there s strongly. But I also feel her with me, so I don't go there much at all. I know I can. My dad gets his reflection time in the day though, and then our company later.
Things will shift and change in time as it is right.
Thinking of you all.
It is so hard.

@mrssunshinexxx

Really sorry to hear that *@Bananagram99* your feelings and thoughts must be all over the place. Do you have any siblings? X

Yes I have two siblings and they have been a great help.

@Beautiful3 I didn't realise it was going to take so long to get the ashes. My mum was cremated last Monday and I presumed we'd be collecting the ashes this week. It sounds like we're going to be waiting a lot longer than that from the comments on here.

I know I was shocked too! @Bananagram99 as morbid as it sounds, I was hoping to spend time talking to the ashes before we scatter them.

@Spiritwriter you are so lovely to have your dad over every evening. I hope you manage to get some rest inbetween too. I've had to tell mine that I cant see him every day. But I'll see him Monday, wednesday, Fridays for a couple of hours. Drop off the food shop off on Saturdays, and bring him to mine Sundays for dinner. I do feel bad leaving him.

@Beautiful3 it helps me. I was so close to mum. Having him here hurts sometimes because mum's physical absence is so glaring, but at the same time connecting with him is important to me. He is a great comfort to me and listens to me when I need it. He has no one else at all, no friends or family other than us. He washes up every night and so is a help too. You sound like you are doing lots with your dad and everyone finds their own way and new routines perhaps.
Xxx

Well, it’s Mum’s funeral tomorrow. I honestly don’t know how I’ll manage it without crying all day. Today’s been hard enough.

@MinnieMountain thinking of you. It is hard, and if you cry all day then that is what you do, and that is fine. Normal. Understandable. Painful, yes, but it is part of healing, part of grief.
You may find you draw on some surprising reserves.
Just be. Just be where you are.
Lean on whatever support you have, believe whatever belief feels right.
Thinking of you with love 🙏

You may not see this today @MinnieMountain but I'm sending a handhold. This too shall pass.

Thinking of you @MinnieMountain

Bless you Minnie, I am sending you lots of love and strength for today.

FWIW, I found the day before worse than the funeral.

Thank you everyone. It’s done. I do feel strangely calm now. Probably emotionally wrung out.

Mum's ashes are available.

We'd agreed to let the crematorium scatter them in the garden of remembrance (which was mum's choice for both her parents, and something she'd mentioned over the years. She never wanted a plot or a place to be visited. She wanted a toast on her birthday, and in special occasions. She wanted her life celebrated, not her death) but now they are here I'm not sure?

There is an option for us to be there at the scattering but to me that feels like funeral #2 (I never wanted the first one!!)

I guess we are quite unusual in our choice for the ashes?

I think it's totally up to you Crunchymum.

When my father died (over a decade ago now) my DSis and I both felt happy to let his ashes be scattered in the garden of remembrance, and we weren't there. He died after several years of dementia and it felt like a happy release for him to go. We just didn't feel the need to have the ashes, or scatter them ourselves. We didn't want to have a place to visit either.

I know some people in the family (not direct family members - people related by marriage iyswim) found this odd. But we didn't and still don't care. It was right for us, his only surviving blood relatives.

Go with what you want and what your Mum wanted ❤️

@Brillig

Thank you for your post, its very insightful.

My mum always spoke very candidly about her views on death in general, her choices for her parents and her wishes for herself - I share her ethos completely. She believed that life was to be celebrated not death. Every year she'd toast her mum and dad when she put up the Christmas tree, she'd buy her mum's favourite flowers on both of their birthdays, she always did something positive to mark occasions (her parents birthdays and wedding anniversary etc). I want to remember her in the same way.

I know, without hesitation, that she would want to scattered in the garden with no plaque, no rose bush and no audience. She would never want any of us to be in the cemetery again "for her"

It just feels weird - we are leaving the last of her physical being to be dispersed like it means nothing? Yet none of us could have her on the mantle piece. We don't have a special place we could scatter her and quite frankly the thought of getting together to say another goodbye is really upsetting. We said goodbye. I couldn't do it again. We'd all agreed that the ashes would be scattered without us but now the time is here, its a much sadder prospect than I thought?

Its knocked me for six actually. Lots to think about.

Put it this way, @Crunchymum - one of those 'outlaws' of mine who thought DSis and I were crazy not to have a memorial takes the completely opposite view and visits her parents' grave faithfully, and always every year on their birthdays. She gets very emotionally upset at these visits and her DC (who don't actually remember their grandparents at all) have been brought up since infancy to be upset too because their parent demands that from them.

I've never, ever criticised or said anything but this wouldn't be the way for me, and I'd much rather those DC had grown up being told happy things about their grandparents and perhaps gone out for a special day to celebrate all the good memories.

I'm not saying people shouldn't be sad, not at all, by the way. I feel distraught at the loss of my darling mum. But I so hope that one day I'll be able to laugh at the thought of her funny sayings or feel happy when I make the Christmas cake because she always enjoyed it so much. I'm not there yet and many a tear was shed when I made the cake last week.

Your mum's philosophy sounds wonderful to me.

@Crunchymum I actually think this idea is really nice especially if you don't have a specific place in mind you would want to visit. Even if you did, do you think you would visit ?! It's not for everyone to have a place
My mum is being 'tucked in' as she used to describe it on the family plot with her mum and 2 sisters 💔 but it's at the local graveyard and I just don't see myself going i think about her every minute so I don't need to visit a burial to do this.
How would you feel about scattering some in your garden ?? What about getting some jewellery made using her ashes so she is always with you in that way although I know she always will be in your mind. Sorry if those ideas don't suit you just trying to help x