Support For Anyone After The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

I hope this thread will be as supportive and welcoming as we have had in the past. It is so heartwarming to see the support you all give each other. Wishing you all well. 💐

Really fee for you @Spiritwriter my relationship with my mil is very different now and damaged due to how she wanted me to grieve. I feel bitter that my sisters kids got my mum as grandma for 5-10 years and mine never even met her
I looked throigh huge boxes of photos and barely any with mum with any of us all with dad she was the ones taking them
It's all so heartbreaking
I had abit of a row with my husband this morning as I said I feel like I have no mental support now I don't have mum and you never ask me how I truly feel.
He said he never knows what to say but I don't think that's good enough

Hi everyone, I've just stumbled across this thread. I lost my mum 3 weeks ago and her funeral is on Monday. She had been ill with cancer for only four months, but deteriorated so quickly.
We didn't have the best relationship, but over the last four months I saw her more than I ever have. I feel totally lost tbh, I thought as we weren't hugely close her loss wouldn't affect me as much as it has.

Really sorry to hear that @Bananagram99 your feelings and thoughts must be all over the place. Do you have any siblings? X

This must be so hard for you @Bananagram99 - be kind to yourself. It's a massive thing to lose a parent even if your relationship hadn't always been the greatest. As mrssunshine says, do you have other family to support you? Do they understand?

Sorry to hear about your mum @Bananagram99

I'm surprised how entwined guilt has been with the grief of losing my mum.

I think its a very natural feeling when we lose a loved one. We question everything and we always fall short.

I think it best to concentrate on the past 4 months and the closeness you had and the fact that you were there, despite how the relationship was. Your mum knew you were there and would have been so appreciative. Something terrible (illness) bought you something positive (closeness)

Keep well.

Couldn't agree more @Crunchymum I know me and mum had a very special bond we were best of friends but you always think I could of been better or I think of the few times I snapped at her and I just feel awful

This thread is enormously helpful and my condolences to all who are experiencing this pain. I unexpectedly lost my mum in April and still haven’t processed the finality of it. I am up and down but I am finding today (Halloween) quite harrowing. Been going along with it all for the children, decorating the house etc but I’ve been feeling this overwhelming sense of grief at the way death is being trivialised and just can’t reconcile my mum’s death with this ghoulishness. It’s made me feel peculiar and I’ve had to withdraw a bit this evening from it all. I can’t bear the idea that my lovely, homely mum has anything to do with this other world.

Lost my Dad a year ago today - still can’t believe he’s gone but happy he missed COVID lockdowns
DM just came out of hospital on Friday following a fall a few weeks ago where she broke hip and arm - she is struggling with dementia and no idea how she will cope without visits from friends and being able to go to Church

@Helcat1976
I can understand your feelings.
It has become... Like Easter... A commercial thing, but does have a deep meaning and connection.
That retreating into your quiet space is important. Maybe just lighting a candle for your mum and being with her in your heart would help dispel some of the ghoulishness. Your lovely mum is not in that world. Can you think of what sort of world she would be in, that would align with her?
If this is too much or not right for you... Just taking the time to cherish your memories. That is what this time is about... Remembering with love and respect.
I... Don't know if this will help at all. I know how much it hurts... I've had a bad few days before today, but today is a little lighter.
It is a hard process to go through.
I send my love to you.
@mrssunshinexxx we sound to have lots in common. It is so comforting to connect with others who know how I feel. Thank you 🙏

@Beautiful3 a friend of mine went the direct cremation route when his (very down to earth and thrifty) father died (having outlived all the friends who would have come to a funeral). He was pleased with it. It was around £1k iirc.

I had a direct burial for my Mum (so no service, although 3 close family attended the burial) - just over £3k. The headstone is not included there. For Mum the idea was to spend money on the memorial service/wake , planting up the grave and a good quality stone.

Btw banks etc generally release money from the deceased's accounts to settle funeral bills - the executors aren't expected to find that money themselves.

I have no connection with Halloween so it's barely registered with me today? Although my mum was a self professed "witch" (she has a very canny knack of predicting things and knowing what would happen in certain situations when the rest of us couldn't call it.... sadly she never did it with the lottery ).... However Halloween is the lead in to some very important dates. Mum's birthday, bonfire night [which was always celebrated in our house growing up, even though Halloween wasn't a big thing], my eldest DC birthday and then of course all the Christmas stuff. Even as adults we'd still go to my parents to put up the tree. Second Saturday of every December.

This time of year - 1st November onwards - is always "mum" for me.

Weird that today I've thought of her the least since she died.... until now

@crunchmum
Big hugs. Yes... Me and my husband and children and dog (who suddenly passed a few weeks before mum) always went to my parents to put up the tree.
It sounds like this will be a roller-coaster time for you. 'mum' time of year sounds bitter sweet.
Sending love. I hope you have lots of support xxx

I went out for a walk yesterday in a coat I haven't worn for a while....put my hand in the pocket and there was one of Mum's shopping-lists from last Christmas.

She was housebound and I used to do all the shopping for her, many trips to different shops. She loved having Christmas organised just as she wanted it and was very precise about what food and drink we needed (Dh and I used to travel up and 'do' Christmas with and for her and the wider family).

Seeing her handwriting was such a rush of emotion. All the familiar things she asked me to get. And this year she won't be here for all our little rituals. I'm hoping she hadn't started sending away for presents by mail-order as I'm not sure I could bear it.

Thank you @FluffyFluffyClouds that's good to know. I've found a reputable company who offer direct cremations, going to give them a call on monday. Do I have to find my mothers will first before arranging anything? She leaves behind a surviving husband.

@Beautiful3 well you don't want to find that she specified she wanted burial in the will (and/or gave details of a prepaid funeral plan!) after a cremation has been done - among other reasons - so yes, fish out and check the will first.

@FluffyFluffyClouds that makes sense. Sorry my heads all over the place. Thank you.

@Crunchymum was your mum’s birthday 4th November? That’s a strange coincidence if so.

We’re currently waiting to see if Wales will let people from England in for funerals in 2 weeks’ time.

Room for one more?

Lost mum 8 days ago to covid, her funeral is on Friday. She had been in hospital for over 2 weeks, one day they were talking about discharging then next they told us she had a covid positive result. She was in a single room staring at the walls, unable to read (cateracts op cancelled twice during covid), unable to hear (hearing aid broke in hospital just before result and they couldn't get fixed), for just over 4 weeks with no visiting until it was too late to know we were there.

So bloody cruel. Dad died at home alone from a heat attack 6 years ago and she had told us all, 5 kids, her biggest fear was dying alone and she wanted her family with her. They let us in too late, only for 30 mins, and she didn't know we had come. Rest in peace now Mum. My heart is breaking.

@CovidNightmare I am so sorry for your loss. That's awful, your poor mum. Mine died on Thursday and the covid restrictions are making everything much more difficult.

thanks @Beautiful3, so sorry you are going through this too.

Covid restrictions are making everything harder than they need to be, we are on the 3rd iteration of her death certification as each time something is wrong, strange to see Covid pneumonia on there.

We are a huge family, I am one of 5, mum was one of 5 and the first to die, dad was one of 9, we had to decide which brothers/sisters, nieces/nephews and grandkids can't be there. Socially distanced seating at the crem, no family pallbearers allowed, we aren't allowed to have her dressed, no funeral tea after. All the things that help that little bit to process the grief and make it feel you are giving them the send off they deserve. Keep thinking of how many families have been through similar struggles recently.

@CovidNightmare my heart goes out to you. My mum was also in hospital but not with Covid, so we managed to get her home for what turned out to be her last two days, and she'd longed to be home so we have that comfort at least. None of our (admittedly small) further-flung family could attend the funeral as she lived in a Tier 3 area.

The funeral is a rite of passage and yes, it would be more of an occasion in normal times, but I'm trying to think of it as less important in the long run than all of us remembering mum in our hearts. It's still pretty crap, of course. I'm so very sorry.

@Brillig so sorry for your loss. Glad you managed to get your mum home and you could be there for her.

You are right, we are trying to find different ways to personalise the funeral. We have put the teddybear from her bed with her in the coffin to keep her company, all the multiple daily letters with photos we handed in to the hospital because she couldn't hear us on the phone and letters with our final goodbyes. She loved her garden and hated cut flowers, we have ordered forget-me-not seed packets with her photo on them to send to family who can't attend.

@MinnieMountain

Mum's birthday is tomorrow. 2nd x

@CovidNightmare so sorry to hear about your mum. Sounds like you have some plans in place to make her send off very personal and "her"

Funerals are shit enough, let alone in lockdown.

Those are all beautiful ideas @CovidNightmare - I like the thought of the forget-me-not seeds especially ❤️

Thank you to you too @Spiritwriter