Support For Anyone After The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

I hope this thread will be as supportive and welcoming as we have had in the past. It is so heartwarming to see the support you all give each other. Wishing you all well. 💐

@minniemountain that is a new perspective. Thank you. I had a super long walk today with my dog and a friend. I felt anxious part way through. But then had a massive cry and could literally FEEL something coming off my chest. We hugged too. And that was blessed. We talked a lot and she could talk about her experience with her parent and... Yes... It's normal. Sigh. Got to keep breathing.

Have just had a quick catch up. I'm so sorry to those who have had recent losses, there is so much sadness here but also so much love and bravery.

It's 5 weeks tomorrow since my delightful mum dropped dead, we had her funeral last week. It was very private and was just immediate family but it was perfect for her. We also bent covid rules and had a few glasses of wine in my brothers garden, we needed a bit of time together. I'm eldest of 4 siblings and we've come together in a way that would have made mum so proud. And between us we've made sure dad has all he needs (he's a stoic old goat and he is doing grand!)

The PM was a bit of a shocker. It showed that mum had cancer, and it was so advanced they have had to take samples from all major organs and tissues to see where it originated. We are awaiting the complete PM results.

Mum didn't know. I am sure of that... Her mental health wasn't good at all and even if she'd known she wouldn't have had the strength (mentally) to undergo treatment.

With hindsight there were signs - weightloss (but she often dropped weight in times of very poor mental health and she was not great since lockdown) and a bad back (she'd had sciatica since she was early 30's so put it down to that) but she was still cooking, albeit not eating much, up until a few days before she died.

She knew something was wrong seriously wrong though as she permitted an ambulance to be called on the day she died. That ambulance didn't take her as her BP, oxygen levels and heart rate were fine. We all thought it was a massive panic attack, the paramedics included. She stopped breathing about half an hour after that first ambulance left.

So although he death was sudden, unexpected and a huge shock we are left to deal with the idea that she was most likely concealing quite a bit of pain and discomfort from us. I know some cancers can spread quite silently but she was ravaged by it. And still the woman was powering on.

We've lost other family members to cancer and we've seen the pain that is suffered towards the end. She never got to the point - thankfully, but she couldn't have been far away from it taking her over completely.

Its been a weird few weeks. I think last Sunday (day before funeral) was the worst day. I just couldn't shake the deep sadness for a moment.

We've got her birthday coming up soon - have already done my dads and sisters since she died - but this is going to be the next "thing" we have to get through.

The season has changed since she died a few short weeks ago, time didn't stand still for a moment. I try to see the beauty and not the sadness.

I'm so sorry @Crunchymum that is so sad and will give you lots to worry about and think over the what ifs. I often wonder if my mum was hiding feeling ill and too scared to go to doctor because of covid x

I am sorry for this sudden loss @Crunchymum. There is shock here as well as a heck of a lot to process. You are blessed to have siblings to share with as well as your dad.

Very, very early days. Five months since my mum went, and it's still early days. It hits over and over again.

Your mum powering on....how strong and mum-like. These great mums that power on are an inspiration.

Much love to you.

@Spiritwriter 6 months for me yesterday can't believe I've lived half a year without her, can't believe how much she's going to miss out on and how much she should be here.
I didn't really give grief much thought before I suppose you don't as a rule.
I never expected it to be this bad

@mrssunshinexxx

I feel you and hear you. It is hard. And I do think the longer time goes on the more that missing grows. Of course it does, becwqe would have done and spoken so many things.
I continue to have a relationship with my mum beyond the veil, but of course it is different.
Hugs to you.
Just big, loving hugs.

Thank you @Spiritwriter same to you x

Birthdays are going to be hard aren’t they?

Mum was going to be 70 next week. That’s what’s really getting me right now. She was only 69. That’s no age these days in Britain.

I’m taking a deep breath and trying to do more positive things.

@MinnieMountain it's awful especially milestones
My mum was only 63 :( didn't even get to retire

My mum wasn't quite 72. And that's some of the great upset of this, isn't it? The fact that not age, but disease took them. That we feel there is still so much for them to do and to share and enjoy with us. It is the loss of all that as well as the lived person they are. The fact it can feel unfair, even if we reach a point where we see that life isn't fair or unfair.

All the trauma and distressing memories, still raw, of their illness and how that looked. Or the trauma of a sudden loss.

It's all that, and much, much more.

I am angry today. Calmly angry. But utterly pissed off. Some people think they have the 'answers' on how to deal with it. But.... What about when we ARE dealing with it? We are STILL grieving, still feeling all of those things I touched on above. Feeling them all the time.
I have a friend recently trained in hypnotherapy. She talks in such a detached way it feels. I know she cares about me... But I don't want my emotions to be turned into something that should be got rid of, or transformed. What I feel is normal. You can't hypnotise it away.

I think more than anything... Other than wanting our loved ones back free from suffering, more than anything we want - I want- is people to understand. To empathise. Not necessarily to fix. Because if we are living life free from self destruction, then there is nothing to 'fix'. If we turn to drink, food, drugs.... Then there is something to fix. But it's not the grief, it's the handling of grief.

Sigh. Sorry to rant. I am fed up my comments being met with what feels a cool, detached science. I need them to be met with love. I will distance for a while.

The other thing... My family homeopath of 25 years has been shocking through all this. When I finally came to make an appointment, she ignored me over and over, and then got back to me eventually to say she was going to write to me. Basically a dear John. I saved her the letter and said I was going to find a new homeopath. No 'good luck and all the years of practice with you have been a pleasure'. I mean... This woman knows a LOT about me and my three children. And my mum. Lots of trauma, and knows how close I was to mum and how distressed I was about her illness. Yet she said I shouldn't try and help her, I should just leave it. I haven't even spoken to her since mum went. She is just so distant and yet she came to our wedding, and we, I thought, had a close relationship.
And maybe that's it. Got too close and now all this is too much.
But come on... What a time to do that. And not even through conversation!!!! She also know I lost my beloved dog weeks before mum. Suddenly. And was with her as she passed too. She was old, but not ancient, and she was my companion and fur baby.

Sigh. I'm sorry to go on this Tuesday morning. Looks a long day ahead. I'll get through it of course. But.. You know.

We all will. But... We know... It's hard and it hurts.

Another one with a birthday looming.

Mum would have been 66 on Monday coming, instead we'll be marking 6 weeks since her death.

It just isn't right. 65 is so very young.

Hello. May I join in? My heart goes out to everyone on here.

My beloved mum died 2 weeks ago yesterday. She was very elderly by any standards - in her late 90s and frail. But she was so full of life and so funny and nobody ever believed her age. I knew she couldn't have that long left but I always thought/hoped that with her particular ongoing medical issues it would be quick and she might just fall asleep one night and never wake up.

It didn't happen that way, it was unexpected but she was in hospital for a few weeks and because of Covid (which she didn't have, in fact), we weren't allowed to visit her. She suffered, I know she did. We managed to bring her home and we were with her at the end but I'm torturing myself because all I wanted was to protect her and keep her safe and I failed. I can't seem to stop coming back to that. I'm not sure that I'll ever get past that. I'm so sorry if that stirs up painful thoughts for anyone else.

@brillig
Oh, I'm so so sorry. Your mum sounds beautiful. You WILL get past it... But in time and with process. I always find it best to check in with my mum and actually ask her about things like that.
Sigh. That is hard. It is painful. And it will shift to an extent. I am so sorry 🙏
Eventually I think you will focus on the fact that you were with her as she passed. Process it, but don't beat yourself with it. Yiur mum would not want that for you. You were with her at the moment of transition. Xxxx
@crunchymum hugs to you. No, it's no age really. Could you do something special to honour your mum in some way? I found my mum's birthday hard too. She would have been 72. Makes me cry typing it. We couldn't do much because had a builder in... Like forever.
These moments are hard. How wonderful that all these mums of ours were born. They were born and they birthed us, and we loved. And we love.
I wish I could hug you all.

Oh @Brillig. I know just what you are talking about. A couple of years ago my Mum was in hospital and not at all happy and it was awful seeing this scared helpless little old lady. I was luckier than you in that we sorted things out that time, and during her final illness she was somewhere else where she was (by and large) well cared for. But we didn't manage to get her home and she did want that. It had been set in motion but she died suddenly and so never made it back.
You did get your mum home in the end when she was most unwell and she would most likely, I think, have forgotten any troubles from the hospital once she was back in her own home.

Thank you Spirit and Fluffy. I’m struggling so much with this. It was almost impossible to communicate with her and the hospital wasn’t that great I don’t think, although I did deal with some kind and compassionate people who helped. It all had to be done by phone and it was hopeless. I’m just floundering with the idea of my darling mum, to whom I was so close, knowing she was there and being totally bewildered and scared. When she came home finally she had a kind of miraculous day of knowing us all and being able to talk, whereas in hospital I think she’d given up all hope and somehow thought we’d left her there. And then she died. I still can’t quite believe it. I’m
In tears almost all the time.

@brillig I am so sorry. I know how painful this is. I can't write down all my experience as it hurts so badly still... But, the fact that yiur mum was at home and with you, knowing you all and able to talk is the punctuation mark. You will still go over all of the events before that. But the event of her actual death sounds one of lucidity and love. And that is a blessing I hope will come to comfort you in time as you sift through everything.
Could you say what you wanted to say to your mum, and vice versa?
I do still have a relationship with my mum beyond the veil. Maybe you will too. That bond of love cannot be severed by the transition of death.
This is still very, very early days for you. Be kind to yourself. Do what feels right and good for you. Remember to take time to breathe fully.
Death is big. Natural, normal, and very very big. I started questioning everything.
Message anytime. Post here. I came here because of my losses this year, and it is helpful to be in the company of women feeling similar emotions, sharing loss.
🙏

Thank you for your understanding Spirit. I keep hoping she forgives me for her last three weeks. She was living independently, looking after herself. It was all so sudden. And I know she knew what was happening. She was such a vital presence and so much a fixture in my life that I know I’m grieving that loss separately too. If that makes sense.

Sorry you’re here @Brillig.

Hearing of these early deaths makes me feel not so alone but it’s really really crap

A friend tried to make me feel better by saying that at least Mum had been spared the horrible old age illnesses. I’d have got her point if Mum had been 79, but just No, that didn’t work.

It makes no difference Minnie. Just as I can’t console myself with the ‘she had a good innings’ line. Either way it’s devastating. I’m so sorry

It does make sense @brillig and don't forget she was your mum, and a powerhouse by the sounds of it. You're her little girl. Unless you have treated her appallingly, there will be nothing to forgive! Be kind to yourself and take a quiet moment with your mum's presence.

@Brillig

So sorry to hear about your mum.

2 weeks is still such early days and it is all so raw.

I think guilt is so intrinsically linked with grief, we'd be feeling it however our mum's / dad's came to pass and the time that led up to that.

I'm only a few weeks "ahead" in the process and it was a different situation but already I feel the guilt lifting a little.

I loved my mum for my whole 40 years. She knew that. I didn't see her enough or spend enough time with her but I adored her. And always will.

She is my blood and my bones and my DNA. She is my children, my heart, my memories. I wrote on her flower card.

"I love you mum. I am you and you are me"

@Spiritwriter sorry you are having a particularly hard day, your post resonated with me. I want people to understand
What I'm going through and will will be for the rest of my life, but they can't can they, and nothing anyone says makes it better.
I'm sick of people saying time wlll heal
No it won't, she was my everything I will never be truly happy again

@Crunchymum that's so sweet
I wrote similar on her shrine thing in our village
I am yours and you are mine'

@Spiritwriter you have such a lovely way with words you bring me comfort. This thread does help me I hope it helps others. It is only people like on here that get as close as possible to understanding I guess as we all loved them so much

@Brillig there is nothing to forgive , please don't think like that I know it is so hard but you were with her when it really mattered. Covid has destroyed so much for so many.

I can't remember the last time I hugged my mum or she felt my baby kick from in my belly. My dad was the only person allowed to hospital because of covid and that was a horrific phone call to recieve as we knew because they were letting him to it meant they knew she would die soon
So then we all just waited all night long for that phone call

Hello everyone. I would like to join, I have posted on another thread mentioning this but would like some support/to talk about what is happening I guess.

My dad died 10 days ago from pancreatic cancer. He had only been diagnosed 4 weeks before so it is very raw and very shocking. I am devastated. The funeral is tomorrow. On top of that, today I have found out at my 12 week scan that I have had a missed miscarriage. I feel like my entire world has completely fallen apart over the last few weeks and I don’t know how to pick myself up. The next few days (the funeral plus surgical management) and weeks will be the hardest so far of my life. I don’t know how to get through them.

Oh lordy @MustStopSnacking28

You poor thing. I know you don't want or need the pity of strangers but these are both huge life events and now is the time to dig deep, your going to need every ounce of strength. BUT you will get through both the funeral and the medical management.

I hope you have a good support network and I hope that you allow yourself space to grieve for both losses. They are linked but also separate.

I've sadly had multiple miscarriages (thankfully long before dealing with the loss of my mum) and it is shit.

Its all just so shit. And I'm sorry for you horrible and heartbreaking losses.