Support For Anyone After The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

I hope this thread will be as supportive and welcoming as we have had in the past. It is so heartwarming to see the support you all give each other. Wishing you all well. 💐

Mum and dad weren't together btw, hadn't been for several decades.

chocorangeaddict77 mrscaindingle has reminded me that I was with my mil when she had her stroke - fil called me as it was happening and I was there in minutes. She was very calm and although she was aware that she was having a stroke, she wasn't scared, just very calm. As others have said, things have been tough with her recovery since and whilst I'm glad she's still with us, she has had some very bleak times both physically and mentally, and has been distraught and bereft. Thankfully she's in a better place atm but I'm not complacent.

I actually came on tonight to say it's the first anniversary of dm's funeral today. I've been ok and actually not really thought about it. I think it's a bit of a defence mechanism and will get me later when I'm less conscious of holding it at bay.
I was haunted by her last days and images of her death for a long time, but not so much her funeral. I think I wasn't really present at her funeral, like a sort of dissociation.
I feel sad right now as her death now feels so long ago.

@WLmum that makes sense to me I look back even though only 5 months ago and it's all a horrible blur but sadly that coincided with my baby being born so means all of that is just a blank too as the grief was so heavy then not that it feels much easier now
I have a huge box of photographs to go through that my dad gave me and I know it's going to be gut wrenching I've spent my whole evening sat in the dark feeding the baby whose cluster feeding just sobbing over her. What damage is this going to do to her I need to try and pull myself together but I don't know how

mrssunshinexxx please rest assured you are not damaging your baby by sobbing while she feeds. She is warm and loved and getting everything she needs. Plenty of mums have periods of sobbing over their babies, for many reasons. Babies are resilient little creatures. We are not super human and need to let our emotions out too. My dd2 noticed I was sad this evening. I didn't really want to talk about it, which was a bit tricky, but actually I see it as good role modelling. My emotions are my own and the choice to share them is my own. I appreciate her care and feel her love. I want her to know that when she's feeling things, the choice of what to do with them, is her own. I also want my dds to see that feeling sadness and grief is normal. Difficult emotions are normal. And they pass in time.
Lots of love to you and your baby. I know it's tough for you right now and I'd have gritted my teeth to hear it - but it makes me a bit nostalgic for those bf days and nights. Stroking those fuzzy little heads.

@WLmum thank you for you're kind words I hope you are right I hate to think about her worrying about me in years to come. I obviously will have to have a chat with her when she's older and explain what's happened and why I am sad a lot.

Oh BF is the most wonderful thing she is so precious I saw no light at all when my mum died I think she saved my life

I lost my mum last week, barely 3 weeks after losing my grandmum. I feel so devastated right now but trying to be strong. Problem is my husband does not get it. Most of the time I struggle to go thru the day but he still expects me to function like I used to. He complains about everything in the house. I am doing my best to ensure the house is tidy and with a 3 year old and 2 teenage boys it can be trying. He expects me to prepare his lunch and serve him without which he won't eat, meanwhile there is food in the fridge. I just made food and asked if i should serve him and he said he has not eaten the entire day and it is not now that he would start eating. This is my mum and grandmum we are talking about.. My mom is yet to be buried. I am so stressed but he fails to see I am really trying.

Honestly @Celia17 tell him to step up or fuck off how dare he not realise how heartbroken you are and that will never ever heal
Very sorry for your loss take care x

celia17 I cannot imagine any time that attitude would be acceptable to me, let alone now.
I'm so sorry about your losses, that must be so hard so shocking to have one on top of the other.
Only you can say what's acceptable to you in your normal marriage, but it's heartbreaking that he's not supporting you at all during this terrible time. You do not have to carry on as normal! I found in the days and weeks after dm died, there were some things I could do and some I couldn't. I felt like a zombie most of the time.
We'll offer you as much support as we can on here

mrssunshinexxx when I was a year old, my dm went through a terrible year, her own dm died and then a few months later my father left her and her 3 young children, with no support at all. Her brother also 'banished' her from his life as he didn't want to help. She was the strongest person I ever knew but I know she was distraught at that time and regularly didn't have enough to eat as she made sure we were all fed - no benefits in the 70s and a very judgemental time for single mothers.
My point is that I don't remember any of that and my relationship with dm could not have been stronger. I only remember that my childhood was full of love and messing about with my brother.
Take comfort in your beautiful little dd, and absolutely talk to her when she's older, and when you are ready.

Thank you @WLmum that brings comfort but I'm sorry your mum had such a tough time. My mum had a lot of loss and trauma on her life she so deserved a fun filled and happy retirement with her children and grandchildren
Life is so cruel

Celia I am so sorry.
I wonder what your DH's own experience of family and bereavement is?

My own Dad was farmed out to nannies and boarding schools and then orphaned in an era where that meant you were taken out of class to be told and then pretty much sent straight back. That may have explained why, giving me a lift after the funeral of a much loved aunt, he asked, completely seriously, if I was coming down with a cold (my OH, who was handing me a succession of hankies to mop up my tears, just gaped). I learned that Dad's strong points did not include sensitively dealing with bereavement!

Can your teenagers look after you a bit - I know teenage boys come in all varieties but a lot have good hearts & can be lovely when really needed.

The newspaper announcement has gone out about dads ashes being scattered, we can't be there thanks to covid.

@Hidethesausage I am so saddened to hear this. It feels very close to my heart. Just messaging to say I feel for you and keep reaching out and retreating as you need to x

My mum died this morning. She lived in Cardiff, I'm in England.

It was sudden so at least a. she barely knew what was happening and b. there will have to be a post-mortem which might delay her funeral past the imminent Welsh lockdown so we can go.

It's so weird. She was going to be 70 in 2 weeks. She had asthma but was basically as tough as old boots.

What does one do when you're miles away and can't help? Her DH is being very stoick. He has good neighbours.

I've talked to my siblings but we all had varying relationships with her.

Minnie I'm so sorry. That - well it's merciful for your Mum but so so much harder for everyone left behind.
It's tricky to know what to do as it varies so much on the circumstances and relationships. Phone up and talk to her husband and play it by ear. You can get get quotes etc for funeral related things over the internet & phone, but whether he wants or needs that sort of help or whether indeed you feel up to it is quite another thing.
My Dad died in lockdown and I lived far away so my role was to be a sounding board, offer to help where I could. I did end up being the primary contact for the funeral director in fact.
Death seems to make people's crazy side come out of the woodwork so be prepared to do a lot of biting your tongue and going, "hmmmm" - try not to let this wind you up if you encounter it.

Thank you @FluffyFluffyClouds.

Mum's DH doesn't do emotion, so I'm doing what I can to help practically.

It's so fucking hard. DH has been brilliant but we have a 6yo who keeps on seeing Mummy crying.

MinnieMountain, I'm so sorry. This IS hard.

I lost my beloved mum in May. I can barely stand to type the words out actually. I hate it so. But I can say this...do not be afraid to cry in front of your child. That is normal. That shows your child that you are grieving, that you feel loss after a loved one goes, and that it is normal and ok to cry. Talk to your child. I had to tell my three, and it was so heart wrenching. We had lost our beloved family dog only weeks before (they had grown up with her), and so this felt so cruel.

I can only lend you my empathy and say to keep talking with your mum, and allow yourself that time. And it is a lot of time. Nothing will ever go back to normal, you are on a different path now. That's how I feel it anyway. I find that expanding out to talk to the RIGHT people and then retreating in to just be, are the most natural and helpful ways to process this dreadful heartbreak.

I read through a lot of this thread the other day when I was really struggling (my mum was everything to me, and we shared a lot of trauma together and were the best of friends, as well as her being the best mum), and my heart swelled at feeling every one of these losses.

Be kind and gentle with yourself, this is so very early. And it is never 'over', so push away any pressures of when it is expected that you will be done grieving.
Sending loving hugs x

I...find this so hard. I am not ready to write all the details of events and timelines....but...I just need to stand here and hold my hand up and say that I have such a void now my mum and my family dog have passed over. I hate to write it, because it seems to cement the reality.

So, I type it quick and then I don't look at it. I have my dad, who is heartbroken but a rock to me, and my DH and three children and a new, heaven sent dog. I don't have siblings I can talk about mum with and that hurts badly.

But I share private moments with mum, and I can honestly say that I feel our relationship still lives. It still does.

Transformed, but not gone.

Still hurts like hell though most days. Some days there is a strength and light, and then I'm grateful.

This time last year Mum was taken back into hospital. Over the next five weeks they tried to do what they could but ... she never came home. I have a short video I took of her in hospital last year and I daren't watch it too often as I want to stave off the day when all I have is memories of memories. I couldn't really cry at the time but I can now. I did love her and she loved me.

It's the reminders of her right now- she was going to be 70 on 4th November. Her planned birthday visit to us is on the family calendar in the kitchen.

Thank you for listening. I've told a few close friends but I can't bring myself to talk to them about it.

Minnie, that's so sad. You're welcome to rattle on here. It's what the thread's here for.
I got a calendar reminder today about my (late) auntie's birthday. I miss her too. I don't want to take it out of the calendar though!

It hurts so much. Seeing those events written on the calendar. Seeing the pair of glasses. The washing drying on the line... And then none.
It is a hard day today, but better than yesterday.
It hurts so much and I feel for all of you.
Can I ask... Does anybody else experience anxiety?
I seem to be so anxious and swirly. I have three young children and a new rescue dog, and I feel so out of it some times... Especially when it is busy and noisy and I am walking them all by the busy main roads.
But then... They are also my blessing and lifeline.
I practice yoga, prayer, self care, read. Use essential oils and herbs... Dping all I can to feel calm.
Just wondered if anyone else... Especially anyone further down the road in this country of grief, has any common experience to share?

I'm not surprised @Spiritwriter, you're stressed, grieving terribly, probably a bit short on sleep, and trying to ensure 3 little kids and a dog don't leap out into traffic!
That said, it's worth keeping a diary to see if patterns emerge (I used to get dreadful PMS, and could manage a lot better once I realized what was going on - I would recognise the shaky, flaky on-edge feelings and reschedule as much as I could and use carb-heavy snacks like wholemeal toast to cope with the rest).

@Spiritwriter I had counselling earlier this year for anxiety and have the mantra “it’s a feeling not a fact”. It helps.

Thank you @fluffyfluffyclouds