Support For Anyone After The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

I hope this thread will be as supportive and welcoming as we have had in the past. It is so heartwarming to see the support you all give each other. Wishing you all well. 💐

@namechangenumber204 💕 so sorry

Sorry for all the tough times. Also sorry I can't name check - find it too tricky on my phone.
To those pregnant ladies - I'm so sorry. It must be so awfully hard. I'm so grateful that my dc had such a wonderful relationship with my dm but feel so cheated that it was short, and that as they grow, there'll be more and more of their lives she won't have been a part of. My youngest said it wasn't fair as she'd only had gm for 6 years whereas her eldest sister had her for 12. I feel for you and your babies.
To the ladies losing their dms, it's such an unbearable time for you. I'm so sorry.
I hope we can offer some support on here as and when you feel it might help.

I hope that this is ok to post here.

I lost my dm this morning after 18months of struggle with a cancer diagnosis. She went downhill so much in the last couple of weeks it was so hard to watch this fire ball of a woman shrivel into a husk.

My feelings are all of a muddle tonight. A chunk of me feels like most of her died a long while ago when she became ruled by her disease and lost a lot of what made her 'her'. I have shed so many tears over the last year, knowing that lots of things would be our 'last' with her.

As a parent she was always there, but bloody hell could she be hard work, as an only child her expectations were often so high I couldn't meet them. But on the other hand no matter what we always talked, even if we argued we would still talk and she loved us without question.

Desperately trying to keep my brain together for my dad and brood while I recover from mastectomy surgery last Wednesday.

Why oh why does everything happen at once xxx

Gentle hugs to everyone

minxmumma I'm so sorry. It sounds like you really have it tough right now. We're here to hold your hand and offer silent understanding.

I found the need to hold it together for others both a blessing and a curse. I sincerely hope you also have someone looking after you too.

@namechangenumber204 so sorry. Back in the day when my FiL was dying we managed to get one of the younger Drs to give us some sort of idea (say you need to arrange leave etc - or if you are retired just don't mention it ... - or palliative care services may be amenable to give some guidance) - I think the older ones are harder to persuade.
There are good websites on signs which appear close to the end which may help you feel somewhat prepared.
If the appetite and "legs" go and they mainly sleep ... :(

It is differently hard if a parent goes when you are old. If you've no previous experience it must be so scary. Death itself when it does happen can be surprisingly easy to accept, I think we're built to recognize it. The worry is worse in a way. I used to just concentrate on the fact that they were alive but ill and tried to help them as best I could.

I did get preliminary quotes from funeral directors before Mum died, which meant when she did I wasn't in a panic and did pick one I was v happy with ( unlike a friend who ended up really regretting a hasty choice).
Horrible as it is your poor Mum is still alive so make what memories you can of that. Little things like finding something she likes to eat or brushing her hair can be very precious moments.
and a hug

Popped on to see how you all are, and sad to see new posters. I am so sorry for everyone’s heartbreaking stories

We are now three months on from losing Dad and although I miss him more as time goes on, I still can’t really believe he’s not here.
We have had a couple of birthday celebrations over the last few weeks and he should have been here with us. But he’s not

I have put off picking up his ashes as it seems a huge, sad task. I don’t want to walk out of there with him as a box of ashes. But I can’t bear the thought of him sitting lonely in a numbered locker any longer. So I have decided to go and get him tomorrow

Visited dm today on the first anniversary of her death. It's been an emotional day, but visiting her was nice. She'd be pleased with how her plot is being reclaimed by the meadow, and the sheep are still in the field. It was a bright, warm and breezy day. Dd3 wore the sheep costume we bought her for the funeral and kept our spirits up.

@WLmum bless that sounds sweet of her
How do you feel 1 year on?
I am struggling so much 5.5months down the line

mrssunshinexxx the old adage is true. I still think about her most days and have a deep sense of sadness and loss, I want to tell her things and send her pictures etc. But it doesn't crush me anymore. I don't have that total sense of bewilderment anymore.
Unhelpfully for others, if I'm feeling bad I can't talk about it for fear of unleashing a torrent. I'm lucky in that those close to me get that.
I find this is a good analogy

https://www.boredpanda.com/ball-in-box-analogy-dealing-with-loss/?utmsource=google&utmmmedium=organic&utmcampaign=organic

I think I've had a bit of a reprieve as we've had a few months without birthdays etc, but I'm well aware that Xmas and dm and dds bdays are starting to approach.

I did have a horrible deja vu this morning as I walked along the road that is between our houses - it reminded me of when I walked home from hers after the undertakers had been.
I'm feeling very sad now and remembering lots about her death. But even with that, I don't feel haunted by it, like I did for a while.

Hang on in there. Day by day. And post here for support if it helps.

It was about this time last year that Mum's final illness started. In a couple of months I will have been without her for a year. I hate the way that death and time pull people away from you into the past slowly but in an absolutely unstoppable way, like some nightmare Russian sleeper train.

Another person (sadly and reluctantly) posting here.

I lost my mum very suddenly yesterday. I had a text from her at 9am and she was dead by 11am.

Her heart stopped and despite my dad's (and then the paramedic team's) valiant efforts she died before I could even get to her.

She has had life long mental health issues [panic, anxiety, agoraphobia] but whilst she'd been bit "off" recently, she essentially just dropped dead. Best way for her but utterly soul destroying for us.

It's only day 2 but I just don't know how we'll cope with this. My dad has been with her every night since they married on February 1978!!!

I don't have any words. Or any plan. Or anything at all really.

I'm so sorry @Crunchymum. The loss and shock of the circumstances must feel like a lot to bear.

There are a few people who have heartbreakingly similar stories and I hope can provide some comfort

Haven't checked these messages for a while. It's been nearly 2 months since Dad died. Most of the time I'm ok, very busy and distracted. My Mum is being an absolute powerhouse of pragmatism. I was worried she would lose interest in eating, but she's looking after herself at home, and having lots of meet ups with girlfriends. I know that Dad is not far from her thoughts as she gets teary but she's constantly moving forward.

My brother sent me a picture of Dad today and it's set me off again after a couple of weeks with no tears. I don't know when I'll be able to look at a picture of him and just smile.

This COVID business is such a blow. I'm traveling up next month to spend a couple of days in Scotland. One of those days is Dad's birthday, and I wanted to spend it going to his grave, and mass and just quietly reflecting with my family. All a bit screwed now, so I think we'll stay in a hotel and use that as a base to spend time with Mum. Not particularly private but needs must I suppose. I wanted to spend that time, and Xmas at Mum's and really get used to the house without him there.

I sometimes feel like the grief is on hold, with life and its usual rituals and routines being disrupted. Christmas will be strange. It feels so odd, but I feel cheated out of that first Xmas doing the usual family dinner without him. I feel like I need to do it or it's going to bite me in the arse next Xmas.

Has anyone thought about finding a group of some sort for their parent with fellow widows?

Thank you @WLmum that's really useful

@Crunchymum so sorry I think I'm in a similar ish position my mum had huge bleed on the brain and straight away went from being ok to mumbling making no sense and gone a few hours later I couldn't see her because of Covid and my pArents were joined at the hip and married for 45 years. He's a mess
It's just awful , every day

Thanks for the welcome, its not a thread I want to post on but I appreciate the support and words of kindness.

Its horrible that something so brutal (death) is such a big part of life.

My dad died suddenly on Tuesday.

M+d were married 42 years this July.

Sheilding so can't attend the cremation.

They are scattering the ashes so no grave. (dads wishes)

My busy baby means I've had no time to get my head around it.

My poor mother witnessed poor Dad being resussed for 90 mins before they stopped.

Sorry there's so point to this post. And it's not well written.

I just don't have any words.

Wth

@Mynameismama
Heartbreaking
I'm so sorry all of that is just so so tough

Hi. Sorry to everyone on here going through this. It's just awful and heartbreaking.

My mum died suddenly and unexpectedly on 3rd August. I have no idea what time she actually died and all I feel is guilt I wasn't there and she died alone and that when I found her I couldn't do anything to help her, she had been gone for a while.

She had been meant to meet a friend that afternoon and some 6 hours later they got hold of me to ask if mum was with me. The 45 min drive to her house was the worst ever - I knew something awful had happened - mum would never have missed meeting someone and I knew by that point that the curtains at her home were closed and the car on the drive. I found her, passed away in bed.

The rest of that night is a complete blur of paramedics, police and coroners all while trying to make sure my kids were ok back at home. I was in such shock and still am really. I can't remember what I said to her - I know I sat with her for a while and my husband says I told her how much I love her but I just wish I had hugged her more and sat with her for longer before they took her away. I had to phone my borther who lives overseas and tell him. He wasn't able to be here for her funeral last week. We should have all been together in April in America for an amazing family holiday but of course covid stopped that and now that will never happen.

We had to wait for a coroner's referral - it took 2.5 weeks for the post mortem to be done and I wasn't told it had been done until afterwards. The report itself had some inconsistencies which had to be cleared up and led to me having to check the funeral home actually had the right person as I was so worried about it. Thankfully they could confirm from photos and I didn't have to check myself.

She had a haemoraghic stroke which then caused 2 further brain bleeds. I have no idea if she would have died instantly or lain in bed in pain for hours or been unconscious and that haunts me. There was no sign she had tried to get out of bed that day but the paramedic took her temp and said based on that she estimated mum died at 2pm that day. I had been ringing and ringing all morning trying to get hold of her as we should have been meeting up the following day. I hate the idea that mum had been lying there unable to move just listening to the phone ring and couldn't get help.

We had actually skyped with her and my brother the evening before and she was happy and healthy and not even a mention of a headache or anything. I can't understand it at all. She was on meds for hypertension which was given as the underlying cause of the stroke. (Her Drs hadn't actually checked up on her for over 2 years so I have that to deal with too.)All I know is that at some point after her going to bed that evening and when I found her at 9.30pm the following day she died.

Everyone keeps telling me it's the best way to go and she was happy right to the end but she was only 69 and definietly not ready to go. She only retired 7 years ago and 2 years of that was spent looking after my nan. I just feel so cheated of all the time we should have had together. Her mum lived to 97. I thought we had years still. I feel so angry on her behalf. She had so much to live for and adored her grandchildren and it is just so unfair she isn't here any more.

The last 8 weeks have been awful. I'm trying and failing to hold it together for my kids. But everything they do reminds me she is gone as I can't share it with her. I'd normally email her daily and phone 2-3 times a week for hours at a time to chat and we'd visit once a week. Now all that is gone and it just feels so empty. The funeral went well even with covid restrictions but while I felt relief that day was over and I was able to write and read a eulogy I now just feel so down and empty. There is just no joy in anything. I know time will help but this feels so different to when I lost my dad. I guess we knew that was coming and afterwards I still had my mum.

Now I have to deal with probate and clearing and selling her house and it's just so painful having to keep going over it and that's our childhood home so a lifetime of memories to sort through.

I miss her so much and just don't know how to live the rest of my life without her there. I feel like I've lost all sense of who I am. Your mum is always the one that's there for you, unconditional love. Now that has gone it hurts so much.

Sorry that was epic. Guess I just needed to get it off my chest.

Choco I am so sorry. Your poor Mum, gone far too early.

It sounds as if you should talk it through with a friend with a medical background.
My gran died of a bleed on the brain but during the day - her husband heard her say she felt unwell, then she lost consciousness immediately after. It's possible someone with the right experience and training may be able to reassure you that your poor Mum at least didn't know what was happening.

💐 For you.

@chocorangeaddict77 I felt every word of that, my mum died of the same in April at 63
Makes you wonder what's the point in life
I miss her every minute and I know this will never get easier X

Thank you Fluffy and MrsSunshine - sorry to hear about your losses too. I think you're right that I do need to try and find someone with a medical background that can help me understand when/how it might have happened and how likely it was that she was unconscious/unaware. I hate the idea that she knew and was scared and alone.

MrsSunshine - that's what worries me. Family are keen for me to get some counselling/help but I just don't see the point. Nothing anyone says will change it or make it easier. Hugs, it is just awful and I'm not sure the shock of a sudden loss will ever go. There's no closure for anyone and I feel angry that mum didn't get a goodbye or get to see her grandchildren grow up.

Choco your post totally resonated with me, my mum died July 27th from sepsis, she had a major stroke 2 years ago and things had been deteriorating ever since.

If its any consolation I really don't think your mum would have suffered especially if it happened in her sleep
My mum was 72 when she had her stroke and I too thought we had at least 10 years left, she was line dancing and walked my dog the day before it happened.

When we asked her what she remembered about having the stroke she said she had not been in any pain, had not been frightened and had felt really calm.

In hindsight she would have been better to have not survived it as the following 2 years were hellish but of course you don't know that at the time.

I'm so sorry it really sucks and is unfair and we too were unhappy with the care she received from the GP prior to the stroke but have to accept that might not have made any difference in the end.

@Mrscaindingle sorry to hear about your mum, that must have been tough too after her stroke. It's also crap when GP care isn't what you expect it to be even if it might not have changed the outcome.

I suppose in a way it's for the best that mum didn't survive her stroke - with 3 separate bleeds she wouldn't have been herself at all and I know she would have really hated to be incapacitated in any way, she was so independent.

Thank you for taking the time to say what your mum remembered, that is helpful.

My dad died just at the start of lockdown and I couldn't go to the funeral because of it but watched it online after the event when I got the recording. I've got to the point where I've come terms with him dying and grief has been something in the background to life and very much something I could handle. Tonight I can't stop crying, it's coming up for a year since I last saw him and we had plans to see him again this summer but then he died very quickly the day after his birthday having spent his birthday in pain then in a coma and not seeing the birthday gift I'd had delivered to him. I'm trying to organise things at the moment for another family birthday which isn't going to be what I'd hoped for thanks to covid again. We haven't been able to scatter his ashes yet and that's hanging over me as something I've got to do but don't know how I'll cope with right now. A lovely colleague has had a bereavement of the same magnitude very recently and she's coping admirably but I'm not this week and am useless at my job whereas she's amazing at hers.
I don't have support as my mum is very elderly and she's always on about how covid will kill her, she's not getting her cancer follow up appointments and has suddenly aged a lot and is starting to look frail, she keeps talking about her funeral plans. I'm not close to my siblings who I share a father with, we never really knew each other and trying to build a relationship in the months before he died was starting to work but then lockdown happened and it's all stopped, mainly because I gave up trying when grief was harder in the early days.