Support For Anyone After The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

I hope this thread will be as supportive and welcoming as we have had in the past. It is so heartwarming to see the support you all give each other. Wishing you all well. 💐

@Skylucy Well I am two months on now and still can’t believe I will never see my Dad again. Maybe that feeling passes eventually
We have a family birthday party this weekend and I was looking at the photos of last years celebrations.
He loved the family all being together. It will be so hard him not being with us.
It’s just so hard to get your head round the fact that they are no longer here isn’t it?

Do you have a date for your Dad’s funeral? This time between losing them and saying the final goodbyes is surreal isn’t it?
I’m lucky my parents and DD’s all live close by so we were able to be together everyday and support each other.
I hope you have plenty of support too.

@Glitterb
Thanks. I think I’ll get the funeral director to get some ashes put aside.
My Mum can’t make a descision regarding the ashes yet. I think she’ll want to keep them until she’s passes

Just popping on to see how everyone is doing. I am so sorry to see so many recent posters, but sadly this is never going to stop is it. It is bad enough to have to go through this terrible time in your lives, yet alone with all the upset and rules of the pandemic.
You are all doing well in these awful circumstances and I'm glad to see the support is continuing as well as ever. I may not post so much , as it's not so necessary as you all share so much empathy towards each other.
It is lovely to see the thread continuing to help people who find it helps to speak to others in similar circumstances.
Like many of you the past few weeks have bought a few troubles to our door, but nothing as bad as you are all going through.
I am now nearly 9 yrs ahead of you ( yes we have had the thread that long ) and I still recall those awful days and weeks when I lost my mum. But I can tell you that it takes a while ,and although I'm sure the newest posters can't take it all in at the moment, you will accept this, you will carry on your life, albeit a different one from one you have known.
I am sorry you are all here, but happy that you all support each other, just when you need it. Take care everyone. 💐💐💐

Thank you @Mummylin x

@Mummylin
Thanks. It’s a crap journey we are all on, but being amongst others that understand lightens the load. Hope everyone is doing ok

I seem to be at the anger stage. To my shame I had a row with poor mum yesterday. She hasn’t wanted to do anything at all so I’ve sorted every piece of paper work, spoken to banks, pension companies, insurance companies etc. It was me that dealt with all aspects of the funeral, spoke to the police, the registrar, the undertaker, the celebrant, me that wrote the eulogy. I’ve arranged for a blue badge, a community alarm, applied for Attendance Allowance for her. I’ve spoke to the doctors about her medication and social services about her deafness and mobility. I’ve done her shopping and her banking.

My brother in the meantime has had two holidays and yesterday arranged for her to have a flu jab on a day when he couldn’t take her (he’s away for the weekend again )but assumed I could. I only mentioned that it was a bit rich him booking it on the assumption I would be able to do it on top of everything else when I got the whole ‘I don’t want to be a burden, put me in a home’ guilt trip.

Apparently he cuts the lawns (they are tiny) and he works full time (so do I) so that is enough. And she doesn’t need me to do anything.

The thing is, I don’t mind doing these things, I really don’t, but I was really hurt. I had to leave before saying something I regretted and drove up to a local beauty spot in a temper.

Thinking of all of you 💗
My parents died a long time ago - both during my teenage years, my dad very suddenly and my mum after a cancer battle. Sometimes it feels like yesterday and sometimes like they were never here. I have never stopped missing them although life has and always will go on. There are some days when I still sit and cry for them, I feel cheated that I dont have them, that they weren't at my wedding and never met my children but mostly that I have no one to share my news with when something good or bad happens. In my experience, once a year goes by people expect you to have 'got over it'. I never have, although of course it does get a little easier as time goes by. I have heard people say some incredibly hurtful and insensitive things over the years including that I didnt care about my mums death because I used some of my inheritance to go on holiday...
Anyway, I just wanted to say that I know how you are feeling and to send love and best wishes 💕

@Nodancingshoes gutted for you that just must be so so hard . I feel like an awful human and daughter most of the time as I lost my mum but I wish it had been my dad even though we are close it's nothing like the bond I had with my mum and I am heart broken she never met my baby she was robbed

Tch @Nodancingshoes, what ARE people like - using a bit of inheritance to go on holiday with is really common! Not only would the person who left it to you have wanted you to have a good time, more to the point, losing someone and all that entails beforehand and afterwards is knackering!
I am visiting my stepmum and cried over some old papers. Dad had quite a few flaws actually but I still wish he'd had a few more years. At least with Mum we had the chance to do and say all those things you want to.
I am also assuming I'm not sleeping in the bed he died in

Just checking in with everyone...

I feel overwhelmingly sad at the moment and incredibly lonely. On Monday it will be 2 years that Dad passed away and this time of year always brings back how much I miss him. Combined with losing my Mum 6 months ago, I’m not sure I can cope with a lot more heartbreak. I’m 32 and feel like the best years of my life have been tarred with grief and loneliness, I spend a majority of my time alone as I only have a brother left now. I have a partner who was initially supportive but now seems to have become bored with the person I am and we do not live together. All my aunties and uncles couldn’t care less and left us to sort everything alone whilst we struggled. There does not seem to be any help or advice available, especially at the moment with corona.
I’m not sure the point of the post, other than to rant to people who understand x

glitterb I'm so sorry to read this. You are young to have lost both your parents. It's almost a year since my mum died, and I'm 10 years older than you and still feel totally robbed.
You're right about here being a place that people understand though. My dh is supportive but I know he doesn't truly get it. Both his parents are alive, I never knew my df so the death of my beloved dm was so immense.
I came on here today to share my sadness at receiving what should be a happy letter - thanks to my inheritance, I have now paid off my mortgage. However, I don't feel happy. Just incredibly sad at how it came to be. I know my dm would be thrilled to have given me the security she worked so hard for, but I would give the house 10 times over to have her still with us.
I don't want to talk about it in rl so thought I'd post to those who will understand.

@WLmum I feel completely the same, I got an official mortgage offer yesterday to buy my first home with the inheritance. It doesn’t feel like a happy occasion, I just feel sad and overwhelmed. I would give it all up for my Mum to still be here. As the months roll on the grief just seems to get worse.

I hear you glitterb, it's a small consolation but it helps to know you truly understand. Let's hold hands!
It's the anniversary of my mums death next weekend. One of my dbs has said he absolutely does not want to come and mark the occasion and my other db I think will. I don't know that I want to mark it but I also can't spend the day ignoring it. I think most likely we'll go to her grave and have a nice pub lunch - my dc will lighten the mood hopefully, although my youngest balled when we went to say goodbye to the house which was a killer.

@WLmum absolutely do something next weekend , even if it is a pub lunch and a reminisce about your DM. It doesn’t necessarily need to be all about tears and heartache, talk about funny moments or happy memories. The first year is always tough, as it has been a whole year of firsts without them (first Christmas, birthdays etc)
My Dads two year anniversary is on the 14th, so I will be at work on the day itself but planning on a Sunday Roast and dog walk with my brother and nieces. It is a date I will never forget, we haven’t scattered his ashes yet so don’t have anywhere to really ‘visit’ him.

My parents are both still alive but mum is in the last stages of cancer. We don't think she will be with us for many more days. There isn't much left of her, she is rarely awake and every time there is a pause in her breathing I wonder if she will take another breath. It's bloody awful to witness this, for so many reasons. I just want to howl and scream at the world.

@thetemptationofchocolate sorry about your DM, it is incredibly cruel to witness someone in the final stages of cancer.

Are you having help from Macmillan nurses at all?

temptation I was you a year ago nursing my mum in the final stages. Chat on here if you need to. I started a thread in the middle of the night once when I was just going out of my head and people were so helpful and kind. If nothing else it helped to pass the awful time and give me something to do for a few seconds.
We had great support at home from a local hospice, but it really is an experience like no other. Sending you love.

@thetemptationofchocolate it's grim. My FiL died of cancer decades ago now and though I loved him dearly, in the latter stages I'd leave the hospital every night hoping he'd just not wake up the next morning. It's a weird weird time. 💐

Grim is the word. I know what you mean, she's our mum and we don't want to lose her but seeing her so depleted is indeed grim.
The hospice-at-home people have been supporting us all, as well as the district nursing team.
Thanks for your kind messages, am welling up, reading them.

fluffy you're so right. My siblings and I stayed with my dm in her house for her final 2 weeks and it was grim. The first week we were just so desperately heartbroken but the second week, when she hadn't been conscious for days, and we just watched and waited for her to die. Each day and night we'd hope it would be the end and then feel so awful about that. The images from those weeks haunted me for a long time but thankfully have faded now.
Lots of love to you temptation

My Daughter died on 5 Sept leaving a husband and two early teens sons. the boys have been staying with my other Daughter for this week, but dad has anounced that he wants them back to school on Monday 14 Sep.
My Daughter and I are concerned that such an early return is unwise considering the 15 year old is autistic and the 13 year old has mild anxiety difficulties.
During the past week neither child has made reference to the death, even though allowed them to sit in the living room whilst the paramedics attended to Mum, the police arrived and took a statement from him for the Coroner, and the Undertaker arrived to remove the body.

Are any Mumsnetter's able to offer us advice?

First of all condolences on the loss of your daughter.
I really don't know how to advise about your gs,s . They must both be extremely confused and upset. They will probably have to process it all in their minds. Maybe seeing their school friends would help them to have a bit of normality instead of all the upset etc.
I think that obviously their teachers Would of been made aware of what has happened to their mum and would be able to deal with your gs,s if they were to get upset at school. Sorry I cant advise anything else, maybe someone else could help you better than I. One last thing I would say is, give them space, time and most importantly your love.
💐

oldguy I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how awful it must have been for you all.
The only advice I can give you is based on my own dcs reaction to my dm dying - there were all incredibly close and we saw her a few times a week.
Dc1 just wanted to carry on, with no fuss. Chose to go to school that day (dm died early hours) and even to do a prospective parents evening that evening. We recently sold her house, and dc1 didn't want to come and say goodbye to the house, she couldn't bear it without furniture etc. She's quite a private person and doesn't like public displays of emotion.
Dc2&3 took the day off and continued to be outwardly more emotional. They have told me over the months when they've been missing her, and have been acutely aware of my sadness. They came to say goodbye to the house and cried openly.

Personally I think everyone handles grief differently, and I think it's best to let everyone do what they need when they need. Letting them know that it's ok to feel different things/need different support at different times. It's not a linear process. Just because dd1 doesn't show it, doesn't mean she isn't feeling it. It can be hard for her sometimes when people assume she's uncaring.
I don't have any experience of autism but my dc2 has quite full on anxiety. She had been having counselling for it anyway, and was definitely helpful.

@Glitterb you poor thing I couldn't imagine losing both and it's very sad you're partner makes you feel that way. I can relate abit whenever I'm sniffling he says 'you ok' and I just want to scream NO OF COURSE IM NOT BLOODY OK!

Also feel completely robbed and resonate re our best years being so ruined and difficult

@WLmum can understand of course you would rather have your mum than mortgage free it's just so painful for us all and cruel
I think you should mark it somehow I dread 1st anniversary and don't really know why as I won't be any sadder than the day before it or the day after it

@thetemptationofchocolate so sorry you are going through this cancer is just the worse, sending you strength to cope in this very difficult and heartbreaking time

@oldguy so so sorrry , I don't have any helpful advise I don't think .. would the children have access to a counsellor at schooL?

@Nottoday1 really feel for you and understand how you feel. I lost my mum 5 months ago also and I was 33 weeks pregnant with my first baby every minute since has been so painful. She was my rock and I wanted her to see me become a mum and I want my baby to have her as a grandma she was so wonderful I can't really put it into words when I try to talk about her the tears just flood

Life is really shitty, what's it even all about?
Hugs to you all xx

Just found this thread and I will be needing it soon as my mother is terminally ill with cancer. She didn't want to know how long she has left so we haven't a clue. I have no idea how to handle this - I am in my 60s and lost GPs when I was too young for it to have much of an effect, so struggling. I am now in tears thinking about it. My DH is brilliant fortunately. for anyone else going through this or about to.

@oldguy

My Daughter died on 5 Sept leaving a husband and two early teens sons. the boys have been staying with my other Daughter for this week, but dad has anounced that he wants them back to school on Monday 14 Sep. My Daughter and I are concerned that such an early return is unwise considering the 15 year old is autistic and the 13 year old has mild anxiety difficulties. During the past week neither child has made reference to the death, even though allowed them to sit in the living room whilst the paramedics attended to Mum, the police arrived and took a statement from him for the Coroner, and the Undertaker arrived to remove the body.

Are any Mumsnetter's able to offer us advice?

So sorry for your loss.

I lost my dad at 13. He died on a Tuesday and I went back to school the following Monday. To be honest, I think that bit of routine was a good think. Everything else was on fire, we had to leave our home, I had to rehome my pet, but school was a constant, even if not a well liked one! Admittedly, I didn't have your grandkids issues and it sounds from what you've said that your daughter's death was sudden, whereas my dad's was after an illness.

What I would say, however, is please try to encourage them to talk, if not to family then look into child bereavement counselling. 25 years ago when this happened to me there was nothing on offer, or if there was it was never signposted. 3 years after losing my dad I had a mini breakdown and got counselling which I should have had right away.

Good luck to you all