Support For Anyone After The Loss Of A Parent.

[Mummylin]

I hope this thread will be as supportive and welcoming as we have had in the past. It is so heartwarming to see the support you all give each other. Wishing you all well. 💐

Feeling overwhelmed today with the sheer amount of admin. It seems relentless. I thought I’d dealt with the bulk of the things that need doing immediately- pensions, bank accounts etc but Mum had a whole pile of letters this morning with supplementary requests for documents, phone calls etc.

My brother just swanned off on holiday for a week and just left me with everything and I feel a bit resentful - trying very hard not to show it but apart from sort out the buffet for the funeral he has done nothing, and left it all to me including supporting Mum, doing her shopping, sorting out her prescriptions. I won’t say anything of course.

I just feel I haven’t had time to come to terms with it at all. Came home this afternoon and just felt physically ill.

That's really special @BestIsWest I hope you come across more too
I wrote my mum a letter 3 years ago just telling her how much I loved her etc I asked her to write back but she never got round to it and I'm gutted. I put the letter I write her in her coffin 😭

@TonyBennsCat it's so tough isn't it I'm 4 months on nearly and there's still stuff I'm still waiting for probate. Why can't you tell your brother how you feel ? X

Just popped on to see how everyone is doing and am sad to see that @Soopermum1 has had to join us too
So sorry for your loss @Soopermum1 . I’m ashamed to say I had to Google ‘cantor’ , but it sounds like she did a grand job.
Like the rest of you, I had a wonderful childhood, and never had a cross word with my wonderful, kind dear Dad.
I think I am still in some kind of denial as I still can’t believe he’s gone and it’s coming up 2 months now.
I feel really sad when I go to see my Mum as I miss him being there and when I leave I feel so sad that I’ve left her there without him.
Mum cleared out some of his clothes the other day and I helped her take them to the charity shop. I put some of his shoes in one of those collection points nearby and it felt horrible. But we tried to console ourselves that other people and charities will benefit

@TonyBennsCat
Your brother hasn’t been much help at all has he?!
I expect it’s difficult to confront him for fear of upsetting your mum.

@mrssunshinexxx I hope you are managing to keep your little one cool in this weather! How have you been feeling? And how is your Dad?

@FluffyFluffyClouds

I find seeing my Dads writing particularly upsetting.
He always wrote our birthday and Christmas cards. He wrote all the entries onto their calendar and I see that every time I go to Mums.

It was my Son in Laws birthday last weekend and Mum found it so hard not writing Dads name on it too

@Picassopilot I'm ok ish my baby is such a good distraction and keeps me very busy I honestly don't know where I would be if it wasn't for her I feel like she's saved me from going down a horrible dark road.
I feel the same I can't accept she's gone and its over 4 months it's denial I think?

That must f been really tough to take his belongings but you are right in that someone less fortunate will benefit from the use it's a good way to think in this awful situation x

We haven't done anything with mums wardrobe yet but I did take 6 items on Monday as I had the idea of making a comfort blanket for my daughter out of her clothes I'm desperately trying to think of ways she can have a link to my mum
So mums best friend is making it xx

@mrssunshinexxx
We need to sort the stuff mum has kept for our Memory bears/cushions.

Your baby sounds like a wonderful distraction for you and I bet your mum is beaming at what a fabulous Mummy you are. Let’s face it, you learnt from the best didn’t you?!

I think I am suffering from ‘emotional blunting’.
I went on tablets after getting awful flashbacks of something that happened to my DD last year. They have helped, but caused this which means I don’t really feel highs and lows.
I have only really cried once (after lots of alcohol ) over losing Dad. I was talking to friends at work last night about that fateful morning when he died. They ended up all teary and I was fine!

I loved the very bones of that man. He was my hero. And I miss him terribly. But I don’t feel totally bereft like I think I would without the tablets.
It’s such a hard call to know whether to decrease my dose or maybe even come off of them. But then I don’t want to start having flashbacks again!

I’ve still not cried properly either @Picassopilot.
I well up frequently but manage to hold it back. I went to visit the grave today for the first time since the funeral. Gave him a good telling off.

I will say one thing for my brother, despite disappearing off on holiday last week and going away again yesterday, he is more of an emotional support to my Mum, crying with her. I am the practical one.

I keep thinking back to those last weeks and remembering that he really was quite ill. I had to rescue him from the hospital the week before because he’d driven himself there and had a dizzy turn. He didn’t drive again after that. I took him to a couple of appointments and when we were waiting for the doctor he said he could never remember feeling so ill. He was a good sportsman when young - the equivalent of today’s professionals and he said that when he was young and running round he’d never imagined he’d end up so infirm. So I think it was all building up and he just couldn’t take any more. But he was so determined. A friend of his had been asked to consider a DNR by the GP and Dad was horrified by the idea. I know he would have wanted them to try everything and they did but in a way I am glad the end was sudden and quick because I don’t think he could have borne a slow descent. I feel terrible guilt for thinking so.

@Picassopilot yes she was 😭 I wish I believed that she was proud and that she was watching me but I just don't I really wish I did believe in that though.

How soon would the tablets kick in again if you came off them and flashbacks started ? Personally I would come off them as you have recognised you aren't crying as much as you think/feel you should be and the tablets are suppressing this I think it will be worse if you delay it if that makes sense x

I know he would have wanted them to try everything and they did but in a way I am glad the end was sudden and quick because I don’t think he could have borne a slow descent. I feel terrible guilt for thinking so.

It's normal to feel guilty like that but really you shouldn't, you had his best interest at heart.

I don't post here much as my experience of losing my parent is very different to most of yours and I resent how it was but I do pop in and think if you all. I've name changed since I used to post though.

@therhubarbbrothers - despite your experience being different, your feelings are still as valid, so share them with us if you would like to!

@TonyBennsCat - Our experiences sound so similar. Although my Dad was not obviously unwell, his blood pressure had started to creep up during lockdown. Both parents were on antihypertensive medication and took their BP readings daily but they didn’t want to ‘bother the Drs’ and feared having to go to the surgery as Dads asthma made him vulnerable.
I wish I had looked at the readings and pushed for them to go but they were both so self sufficient and independent that that I didn’t think to question them!

I do believe that gradual rise was the reason he had the bleed. Now of course, Mum lives with the guilt of not going to the dr.

The paramedics asked Mum if Dad had a DNR and she was horrified! He was still too independent to have considered that!
But like you again, I’m glad he went quickly.

I do know from a reliable source who saw Dads notes after he died, that the brain bleed was massive and that we must never think they did not do anything for him because of his age.
It was simply unsurvivable.

Like your brother, my sister is more emotional and I am more practical

@mrssunshinexxx re the tablets -
I would have to make an appt to discuss it with the dr, but I hate that we have to have phone appointments these days!

Dads ashes have been at funeral directors for two weeks now but we still don’t know what we want to do with them.
The beautiful graveyard in Mums village actually has the most unattractive section for ashes and she refuses to put him there.
She still has my brothers ashes at their house, and those of their recently departed dog!
Mum says she’ll be buried when she ‘goes’ and wants them all in with her! Bless her

@TonyBennsCat

Did the hospital just discharge your Dad after his dizzy spell? Or was he being investigated?

@picassopilot
He’d visited the Wound clinic that day - he was having an ulcer dressed twice a week. They weren’t happy with him so wheeled him over to the Cardiac clinic which he was under anyway. They ran an ecg and did various tests as well as giving him tea and biscuits before phoning me. He was due back at the Cardiac clinic the day after he died.

I can’t fault them really. The HCP at the Wound clinic especially. I took him back for another dressing the following week (the Monday before he died) and she was full of concern and switched his care to the district nurses so he wouldn’t have to leave the house. They even brought Mum flowers afterwards.

I’m glad you have the knowledge that they tried to do everything for your Dad. These last few months have been so difficult and it’s easy to question what if we’d done things differently.

I haven't had a proper cry since the day after Dad's funeral 2 weeks ago. I've been busy and distracted, I've welled up a few times but have had to hold it back as there's usually something that needs done, kids to attend to etc.

Dad's lilies from the garden bloomed and my Mum sent me a picture, they were beautiful. She's going to take some to his grave and send me a picture. We didn't need to say how significant that would feel for us. We don't always talk about Dad in our daily calls, he's part of the 'what we did today' updates and I feel quite bonded to my Mum in these calls as we get through it together, finding significance in the same things but not dwelling on them too much. She has admitted she's living on her nerves a bit, she's been doing general clear outs and buying new garden equipment so she can more easily care for the garden on her own, lots of practical stuff and seeing friends. I told her it's fine and just to keep doing whatever makes her feel better at the time. I hope I've given her good advice. I did tell her not to be too hasty with Dad's belongings, though, at the moment. She did throw out a lot of his opera CDs though, which I wanted so I'm getting whatever is left. I want to listen to what he enjoyed (I enjoy opera too) not just any recording but the specific recordings he listened to. I'll enjoy them and feel close to him, but not yet, I can't look at photos of him, yet.

I'm rambling now that I have given over a little time this morning to think about him.

I feel guilt for being distracted and not consumed by grief all the time, like I didn't love him. I worry I'll forget the details of him.

Hi everyone, how are we doing.
I am reducing hours at work moving towards retirement. Feel a quiet sadness that I will never see Mum again and that we can't plan meetups to garden centres etc on my newly-free days. If only she'd looked after her health more - but it was her conscious decision to live the way she did.

Also clearing space in the house to make room for some of her stuff - things my grandfather made.

Meanwhile my stepmum is planning to move and having a clear out, but I think I've already got most of what I'd be interested in having. I know from the past umpteen years that she would definitely ask me first before chucking stuff I might want - that's not a worry. Should pop up and see her.

Mum's headstone design is nearly settled.

This time last year Mum had just been sprung from hospital and I'd been to see Dad to talk about family history - he was fine...

Hugs to everyone on this thread..

I haven't posted on here for a while now as I went back to work after a few weeks of losing Mum and desperately trying to get back into some routine. Life had to go on, even though I am still incredibly sad. The weeks during her hospital stay and after she died were a complete blur looking back and I barely remember that time.
Me and my brother both wanted to scatter her this summer as it was her birthday in July, so we went up to one of her favourite places and scattered her with the ashes of her two beloved Labradors. We have kept some ashes back to have jewellery made when we feel ready.
Just reading this thread reminds me how unfair life is sometimes and the importance of taking time to grieve without needing to apologise. Every month that goes by, I am reminded that it is another month without her.

Take care everyone x

Well the tears finally came last night. I took the dogs and walked around the cemetery and stopped at Dad’s grave and had a few words with him. Went home and it suddenly hit me and I sobbed for a few hours. He made me feel safe and I don’t have that any more.

Hi everyone, can I join you? My lovely lovely Pa died on Wednesday. He was 68, and had only been feeling slightly unwell when diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 5 weeks ago. His deterioration was insanely rapid and his death fast and furious. I loved my Dad more than I can say. I saw him most days, and spoke to him every day.

I'll read as many of your posts as I can tonight. I'm so sorry to see that I'm not the only one experiencing this pain. I just do not know what to do with myself. I'm completely broken, yet desperate to make sure my mum is okay (they were married 46 years. Their home is 5 mins from mine and we're very close), and my two very young DC. I'm devastated. And angry. And in disbelief.

Sending out as much strength and peace as I can muster, and hoping to gain some strength and wisdom from you all x

I’m so sorry Skylucy. 68 is no age these days.

I'm so sorry for you loss Skylucy. Your Dad was very young and it sounds like a terrible shock for you and your family.

@Skylucy So sorry you have had to join us. My beloved Dad died two months ago and I still can’t really believe I will never see him again.
He was here one day, playing with my grandson, tending his garden - gone the next.

Like you, and everyone else, I feel a huge responsibility to ensure my mum is ok. She’s still very independent but I hate her being in the house alone where they shared so many years of marriage.

I wish I could offer some advice, but apart from saying take one day at a time, there really isn’t anything to ease your pain.
Watching your Dad deteriorate so rapidly must have been awful.
Pancreatic cancer is such an evil disease.
Feel free to share your feelings with us here. We ‘get’ it

@Glitterb
How lovely that you got to scatter your mum’s ashes with her Labrador’s
Sadly we now have a collection of ashes, my brother’s (he died in his 40’s), Mum and Dad’s recently departed retriever and now poor Dad’s.
Despite Mum living next to a beautiful church and graveyard, the part where you can bury ashes is not very nice. So once we pick Dad’s ashes up (they are ready for collection) they will sit alongside his son and dog on Mums mantelpiece!
We really need to decide what to do with them all.
Can I ask if you separated out the ashes you kept back for jewellery or did the funeral directors do it for you.
I can’t bear the thought of Dad as a pile of ash and I really don’t think I could measure some out

Thank you, @Picassopilot, @Soopermum1 and @BestIsWest. Does the disbelief ever pass?? I'm in such shock .

@Skylucy no 😭😭😭

@Picassopilot I believe funeral directors can sort the ashes out for you if you do not want to open the box. We just kept some back when we scattered them, it just feels very surreal but the ashes just disappeared in a gust of wind when you do scatter them.

Would you scatter them or bury them? Its obviously a personal choice, my Mum never spoke about where she wanted her ashes putting (she was only 60 so it just wasn't a conversation I would have had)

@Skylucy so sorry, I lost my Dad 2 years ago from pancreatic cancer, it is an incredibly cruel disease

So sorry @Skylucy.

At the weekend we went to check out some graveyards where the OH's family lived. Stirred up a lot of feelings for both of us.
On the way back I pondered again why I feel I want to return to the hospital where Mum spent her last weeks - made a mental picture of me parking, perhaps buying something in the shop, getting a snack from the machines, lunch in the canteen, sitting in the garden ... all so far so good ... then pictured walking into the ward and finding another patient in her bed and her not there. And then I cried.

I think my subconscious knew she was there the last time we saw her and (lizard brains aren't that smart) hadn't realised we couldn't just go back there to see her again. It had blithely not taken in the bits where she passed away while we were there or indeed the funeral!

@skylucy talk to your Mum as much as you can about family history and her childhood - does she see herself or relations in your children? - go through old photos.