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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Viewing my Mum before the funeral

79 replies

MissKittyBeaudelais · 15/10/2019 07:55

My mum passed away last week. The funeral is on Monday 21st.

We are a small family and I have just one sister who assumed I would go with her to view mum’s body. We are not allowed to see her yet but the time is coming. I don’t want to. I didn’t want to see my step dad either when he died 15 years ago. I assumed it’d be different with my mum but again, I don’t want to. I was alone with her at the hospital bedside, as she passed away. I feel that that was my goodbye.

However, family are surprised about my decision and I’m now starting to question myself. Will I regret NOT seeing her? Will I regret it if I DO see her. My sister and I have arranged the funeral/chosen her clothes/contributed to the eulogy together. But this one thing, I’m just not sure what to do.

Can anyone else possibly share thoughts on this? Thank you.

OP posts:

Charley50 · 15/10/2019 07:58

Condolences to you. My mum died a few weeks ago. Like you I was with her around the time she died. I had no desire to see her body in the funeral home and no-one pressured me to. Do what's right for you.

SoupDragon · 15/10/2019 08:00

I don't regret not seeing my dad. By that point he had gone and wasn't there any more.

You need to do what is right for you

chemenger · 15/10/2019 08:00

I did see my mum in her coffin and it did not bring any comfort, I’m afraid. When my dad died I didn’t go to see him. It’s a personal thing, my dad spent a lot of time with mum saying goodbye and I think was a bit upset that I didn’t want to but I preferred to remember her as she was. To me she was very definitely not there any more.

Annasgirl · 15/10/2019 08:00

Well it is common here in Ireland to all see the body together. I was with both my parents when they died and I also saw them many times at their “wakes” - the two day open coffin mourning we have in Ireland. I can honestly say I barely remember the wake and what they looked like. I really only remember the last moments as they died, and of course many, many more moments from our lives together.

So from my point of view, seeing my darling mum in her coffin was not how I remember her - but if you feel it will traumatize you, please try to have support there or ask not to go.

samb80 · 15/10/2019 08:01

I am so sorry for your loss. I have not lost a parent but I have viewed a few close relatives. All I can say is it may not be as bad as you think and even though it's painful there is an element of closure and reassurance that they are ok as weird as that sounds.
Sending you love.

andpeggy1 · 15/10/2019 08:02

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to see her. She won't look the same as you remember her and that could be a blurry upsetting and possibly long lasting in your mind site. Best to remember her they way you want to. I've viewed deceased family members before at the funeral home, and IMO it's not a memory you want to have. So sorry for the loss of your mum wishing you all the best for Monday x

AuntieMarys · 15/10/2019 08:03

I couldn't think of anything worse.
But then I am not a traditionalist when it comes to death.
Condolences to you and I hope all goes smoothly.

BrassTactical · 15/10/2019 08:03

Don’t go I’d you don’t want to. You were with her when she passed she isn’t there anymore.

I wouldn’t I don’t think.

TranquilityofSolitude · 15/10/2019 08:03

Sorry for your loss.

My mum died suddenly in her sleep. It was very unexpected. I chose not to go and see her at the funeral directors because that isn't the way I wanted to remember her. However, I did feel under quite a lot of pressure from various people, including other relatives, my mum's neighbours and the funeral directors. It was difficult at the time but 2 years on I can say that I don't regret not going. That isn't part of how I want to think about my mum and I'm glad I didn't give in to the pressure.

That said, you must do whatever you feel is right for you. There are no rules here - what you feel is the right thing.

Original poster

MissKittyBeaudelais · 15/10/2019 08:05

Thank you Charley. Her death was very sudden. My sister had literally gone home for a change of clothing and a shower. I could see her colour change and I was holding her hand. I told her it was OK, I was with her and she could just sleep. I literally saw the light go from her eyes and I got as physically close to her as I could, all the equipment around her allowing so, I could not have been anymore “there”. I sat and held her hand until my sister came back.

The idea of seeing her clothed, hair done, shoes on and light makeup is just wrong to me. It’s not her. She was the Mum I held and stroked her hair as she faded.

I guess I’m just scared I may regret or worse, that I’m somehow showing a lack of respect.

OP posts:

Perpetuallyperplexed27 · 15/10/2019 08:05

I'm sorry for your loss. When I lost a close family member I found that it helped to see her. I was with her when she passed but seeing her in the funeral home was different. She was in her own clothes and looked at peace. I'm pleased I did it and I think I would have always wondered what if had I not.

But it's a very very personal choice. You won't be able to erase the image once you've seen it. Please don't be pressured into anything. Do what's right for you, there is no right or wrong answer with things like thing. Sending love and strength

Pannalash · 15/10/2019 08:08

So sorry for your loss. If your sister really wants you to go you could, but just to the funeral directors office and let the funeral director accompany your sister to view your Mum. It’s an incredibly personal decision and you shouldn’t feel pressurised into doing something you don’t want too. Take care.

Marylou2 · 15/10/2019 08:08

I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum. I think you must know inside what you would prefer to do in this situation so just do that. Don't allow anyone to pressure you. You were with her when she died so that is the best goodbye.

Mummaofmytribe · 15/10/2019 08:08

Please don't cave into pressure if it's not what you want. There is nothing wrong about not wanting to. You've expressed really eloquently here how you feel.
It's an absolutely personal choice. There's no right or wrong.
You were there as she died and you don't feel a need for "closure" like your sister.
My sincere condolences. I lost my mum last year it's bloody hard isn't it.

CharityDingle · 15/10/2019 08:11

It was lovely that you were there to hold her hand, at the end. I know it's very difficult now, but that will be a comfort to you, in time.

No right or wrong answer about seeing her now. Do what feels right for you.

Allthepinkunicorns · 15/10/2019 08:14

When my nan passed away I didn't want to see her body before the funeral it freaked me out a bit. When my grandad died I went in with my mum to see his body and I'm glad I got to say goodbye before he was laid to rest. He looked very peaceful and I was sad that I didn't do it with my nan. Just do what you feel you can.

Clayplease · 15/10/2019 08:15

The fact you were with her when she died is the most special thing! I bet that was brilliant for her, knowing you were there. I'd just trust your gut feeling on this. Definitely don't be pressured into anything. Really sorry for your loss ❤️

20viona · 15/10/2019 08:24

My husband regrets seeing his dad and my dad regrets seeing his
Mum. I wouldn't want to see a relative like that but I suppose until I'm
In that situation I won't know. Don't be pressured do what you feel.

PurpleWithRed · 15/10/2019 08:34

If you don't want to then don’t go; you have already done such a wonderful thing for her at the time when it mattered to her: far more respectful and loving than viewing her at the undertaker. I hate the fact that my last memory of my vibrant, funny, loving mum is her body while waiting for the doctor to verify death.

HoppyHop · 15/10/2019 08:39

So sorry for your loss.

I also had this dilemma when my Dad died. I did go to see him but it took me 2 weeks to decide that I wanted to go. I don't regret going but as others have said, it didn't actually seem like it was him, his soul had gone.

Be kind to yourself and do what feels right for you. Bereavement and grieving is such a personal thing no one can tell you how to feel.

BunchMunch · 15/10/2019 08:43

So sorry to hear of your loss op.

It's such a personal choice. When my DF died, we were actually with him as the doctors worked on him. It was sudden and unexpected. I did go to see him at the funeral home - it gave me some comfort in a strange way. But everyone is different - my younger brother didn't go and that was fine too.
Do what feels right for you.

Condolences 💐

ShippingNews · 15/10/2019 08:43

Sorry for your loss. You were with her at the end - there isn't any reason to go and see her body, which is not "her" at all. Make your own decision and don't be pushed into doing something you don't want to do.

Waxlyrically · 15/10/2019 08:47

My mum died from cancer and I was hoping she would look more “well” and that it would bring comfort that her suffering was over. As it happens she did but she also didn’t look like herself. It was difficult to do and I got more comfort from leaving her a long letter I’d written than from actually seeing her. Some close relatives, including my Dad and brother, chose not to and I completely understand this too. It’s an individual choice and there should be no pressure at all to do either on the grounds of “right thing to do”. There isn’t a “right” thing.

Robs20 · 15/10/2019 08:53

I think it is a very personal choice so don’t feel you have to go. I went to see dd after she died, I needed to hold her again and I would regret not having gone. But it’s completely up to you. Sorry for your loss.

K456789 · 15/10/2019 08:54

So sorry for your loss. I saw my mum and sad to say I regretted it so much. It wasn't my mum and that is now the last image in have. The only positive is that I told my younger sister not to see our mum as I didn't want her to feel the same. She is glad she didn't view her.

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