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Original poster

Viewing my Mum before the funeral

79 replies

MissKittyBeaudelais · 15/10/2019 07:55

My mum passed away last week. The funeral is on Monday 21st.

We are a small family and I have just one sister who assumed I would go with her to view mum’s body. We are not allowed to see her yet but the time is coming. I don’t want to. I didn’t want to see my step dad either when he died 15 years ago. I assumed it’d be different with my mum but again, I don’t want to. I was alone with her at the hospital bedside, as she passed away. I feel that that was my goodbye.

However, family are surprised about my decision and I’m now starting to question myself. Will I regret NOT seeing her? Will I regret it if I DO see her. My sister and I have arranged the funeral/chosen her clothes/contributed to the eulogy together. But this one thing, I’m just not sure what to do.

Can anyone else possibly share thoughts on this? Thank you.

OP posts:
Flowersandfireworks · 15/10/2019 17:32

So sorry for your loss. I went with my mum and much younger brother (9) to see my Dad because he couldn’t visit him in the hospital. I went out of a sense of duty and hated it, found it quite traumatic. Not the same as seeing the body in hospital at all. If you don’t want to, don’t do it. I think going for moral support but not going in is a really good compromise and I wish I’d done that! Flowers

2018SoFarSoGreat · 15/10/2019 17:55

Condolences MissKitty Flowers

My lovely mum died in January and I did not go see her. I wasn't with her when she died, and had to think hard about my decision. However, I did see my dear dad when he died, and I regret it. I'd been with him at the end, and preferred that to be my last memory, over seeing him in the coffin.

I did go to the funeral home, and sit outside the room she was in, but could not make myself go in. My siblings did, I didn't. We were all fine with each other's decision. I was supportive being there, in the nice sitting room. I 'felt' closer to my mum just having her through the wall.

Never easy; no bad decision. Do what feels right in the moment.

custardbear · 15/10/2019 18:51

@MissKittyBeaudelais - that's lovely and supportive of you - I
Hope all goes as well as can be expected at the funeral etc - my grandad died last month and the funeral was lovely and a good send off - I Hope your experience is the same ❤️

Floralnomad · 15/10/2019 18:56

Condolences to you and your family OP . My mother died in February , myself , 2 sisters , my dh and my eldest child were with her when she passed . None of us went to view at the undertakers and I don’t regret it in the slightest . When my dad passed away ( sudden heart attack and was found a few minutes later by mum and sister) I did go to see him at the undertakers ( I had seen him dead at home as well) and I still regret that decision 29 yrs on so I know I will not regret the decision I’ve made this time .

VividImagination · 16/10/2019 19:34

My Dad died suddenly many years ago when I was 21. I felt a real need to see him as I couldn’t really believe he was gone. I saw him in a small room in the church and I thought he looked really peaceful. I have never regretted my decision. However my Mum and sister didn’t want to see him but came with me, I think because Mum felt it was what she should do. I only discovered 7 years ago when Mum died that my sister has always regretted seeing him. I really wanted to see Mum too but was advised not too by the undertaker. Sometimes I wish I’d gone anyway but mostly I’m happy to remember her as she was.

Go with your heart Flowers

TheGodmother · 16/10/2019 19:42

@MissKittyBeaudelais my mum had a similar death to yours. I was there until the end. Saw the light go out and the shell that was left.

I did not want to see the body afterwards. Did not see the point, I saw her leave. There was nothing left.

I have never ever ever regretted it.

Do what YOU want. Don't let anyone guilt you into doing something you don't want to.

Some people get comfort from it and like to say a final farewell. We're all different.

Original poster
MissKittyBeaudelais · 16/10/2019 19:52

I’m Ok in the day....keeping busy but now, having just sat down for the evening, I want to “see her”. So, I guess I’m thinking it’ll make it more final, IF I see her. God, I’m so confused.

I still think it’s a huge shock. No one expected her to die. And I know we have to be grateful for our NHS etc but FFS, she developed what killed her in there. I’m so angry with the hospital, the ward, the Drs who missed what was going on.

OP posts:
Bin85 · 16/10/2019 19:54

Can you go with your sister but wait outside

Oct18mummy · 16/10/2019 19:57

Sorry for your loss.

You need to do what is right for you and how you wish to remember her.

I have seen both my uncle and my grandad in open caskets and it didn’t look like them at all. I wish I could have unseen that and remembered them as they were.

itispersonal · 16/10/2019 20:05

I went with my dm to see my df when he had died. I went just to support my Dm and wouldn't have chosen to have gone.
I didn't find it a nice experience, like you I had been with him when he passed and that was me saying goodbye to him, although he wasn't conscious and it was a sudden and unexpected passing.

When I think of the person in the coffin, that wasn't my dad. He had already gone. I didn't find it comforting.

itispersonal · 16/10/2019 20:06

Also very sorry for your loss.

And do what you want to do! What you feel comfortable with

nex18 · 16/10/2019 23:32

Sorry for your loss.
I saw my mum in the chapel of rest, I thought it was the right thing to do. She didn’t look herself, she’d had her hair done wrong. I told myself that I would never do that again.
When my dad died earlier this year, there were a few opportunities to see him. Each time I teetered about whether I should see him or not. I’m very glad now that I stuck to my guns and didn’t.

wherestheotherone · 17/10/2019 07:35

My DF died this week and I'm not going to see his body. Some are but it's not for me. I'm happy with the memories I have. Could you go to the building with your sister but not go into the actual room?

Original poster
MissKittyBeaudelais · 17/10/2019 11:47

@wherestheotherone
My sister has seen her now. She told me last night that it’s OK whatever I decide but that Mum looked lovely and had not a wrinkle near her. Her hair was “right” and she looked just as though she were sleeping. Now, I feel I may go. Her last day, in the hospital, was traumatic and she was on something called a non-invasive ventilation machine so we couldn’t hear her and she couldn’t communicate with us. I wonder whether I might feel better seeing her calm and not fighting for every breath.

I have until tomorrow. After that, the funeral one has said viewing cannot take place.

OP posts:
wherestheotherone · 17/10/2019 14:58

Yes I understand needing to see them at rest. I did see df at peace had I not I may have needed to just make sure. Whatever you decide it will be right at the time of making the decision and you can't go back, you have to go forward.

Ijustwanttoretire · 17/10/2019 15:02

The fact you were with her when she died is the most special thing! I bet that was brilliant for her, knowing you were there. I'd just trust your gut feeling on this. Definitely don't be pressured into anything. Really sorry for your loss ❤️

^This

Animum2 · 19/10/2019 23:31

I would say it's entirely up to you, don't feel any pressure from the family

I was there when my Step dad passed away and I was reluctant to view his body at the wake but once I did it I was glad I did

Original poster
MissKittyBeaudelais · 20/10/2019 15:43

So, I went. I viewed. It wasn’t her. Her face was all wrong.

My son had written a message to her and I put it in the basket.

I am neither positive or negative about the experience but I said my final goodbye. The funeral is tomorrow. I’m exhausted and want it to be over. Such a shame she can’t see what we’ve organised in terms of music etc. She’d be happy and touched by our choices. No prayers. No hymns. A poem and a eulogy written by my sister and I.

I shall come home tomorrow and try to remember the words of Scarlet O’Hara... “Tomorrow is another day...”

Thank you all for your kind words and shared experiences.

OP posts:
custardbear · 20/10/2019 16:45

Good luck tomorrow @MissKittyBeaudelais - my mum died in 2012 (June 28) and she always said, after there was a
Massive thunderstorm on her mums funeral day in 1981, , that when she died my mum would make a big thunderstorm to say farewell and send a message to us, literally 20 minutes after she died there were three supercell thunderstorms (that's thunderstorm
Terminology for massive and rare storm) two were across the midlands, where me and my brother both live (60 odd miles apart) but it was epic, even on Wikipedia, and convinced it was her ... so you may we'll find your mum sees and hears her funeral and song choices - I hope tomorrow is a wonderful send off for her - it'll be sad but try to get some peace and comfort from your family and her friends 🌹💐

SoupDragon · 20/10/2019 18:40
Flowers
TemporaryPermanent · 20/10/2019 19:25

@MissKittyBeaudelais best wishes for tomorrow. Dad's funeral was on Friday and I felt distinctly better today at last. Hope it goes OK.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 20/10/2019 19:31

So sorry for your loss. I lost my mum this year and refused to see her in the funeral home . I'm so glad I stuck to my decision.

I saw my grandad, and have never forgotten how it felt, it wasn't him, he wasn't there any longer and that's all I think about, when I think of him. I didn't want that with my Mum. It was the right decision for me.

Charley50 · 20/10/2019 20:23

Ah hope it goes well tomorrow OP. I mentioned earlier on your thread, that my mum died recently. I dreaded her funeral so much, especially as we have some strange family dynamics. I just wanted it all to be over.
However, I was wasting my time worrying; it was actually a really nice day and it felt good to give her a warm and lovely send off.
So just saying, try not to worry, it will be ok.

Roselilly36 · 20/10/2019 20:31

So sorry for your loss OP. There’s no right or wrong decision, just do what’s right for you, please don’t be pressured, your choice should be respected.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 20/10/2019 22:17

I will think of you tomorrow Kitty. I like to think she will know and be pleased with what you have planned.

On the morning of my DMs funeral, right as the hearse and family cars pulled up, it started to snow. Big fluffy flakes. It was already an inch or two by the time we loaded the cars, and the crematorium was a winter Wonderland when we arrived. Have never seen such a snowfall. It stopped when we got out of the cars and that was it. It was quite beautiful, like the sky was crying with us. She would have loved that.