Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Viewing my Mum before the funeral

79 replies

MissKittyBeaudelais · 15/10/2019 07:55

My mum passed away last week. The funeral is on Monday 21st.

We are a small family and I have just one sister who assumed I would go with her to view mum’s body. We are not allowed to see her yet but the time is coming. I don’t want to. I didn’t want to see my step dad either when he died 15 years ago. I assumed it’d be different with my mum but again, I don’t want to. I was alone with her at the hospital bedside, as she passed away. I feel that that was my goodbye.

However, family are surprised about my decision and I’m now starting to question myself. Will I regret NOT seeing her? Will I regret it if I DO see her. My sister and I have arranged the funeral/chosen her clothes/contributed to the eulogy together. But this one thing, I’m just not sure what to do.

Can anyone else possibly share thoughts on this? Thank you.

OP posts:

VictoriaBun · 15/10/2019 09:01

I'm sorry for your loss. As you say you was with your mum when it mattered the most, at the very end for her. You have said your goodbyes , you don't need to do anything you do not want to do.
Go with your sister to support her if she does not have anyone to go with , but tell her you will not go into the room with her.

Itsallpointless · 15/10/2019 09:04

Hi OP and my sincere condolences for your loss, it is very very hard.

I was very very close to my mum, I did not want to see her after. My sister passed away 2 years ago, again very close and again I did not want to see her either.

It's been 7 years since my mum died, and not one day have I regretted my decision. Nobody should be judging you, just accepting your decision.

They are both in my heart every single solitary day. That's worth more than a look in my opinion x

Wildorchidz · 15/10/2019 09:04

We brought both my parents home before their funerals.

gubbsywubbsy · 15/10/2019 09:13

I saw my dad just after he died, he looked like he was asleep and that was enough... I didn't want to see him a few weeks after he had died . My brother went and said it didn't look like him .. don't doubt your decision .. that is the last image you will have of her and it's your choice ..

Windygate · 15/10/2019 09:13

I lost my DF and DSF last year, I was with them both at the time or shortly after death. I had no wish to see them in the chapel of rest. Funerals take so long in the UK that their bodies had been in cold storage for nearly three weeks.

In Ireland funerals are a matter of days and as said upthread open coffin wakes are common. I find that much less traumatic.

RaymondStopThat · 15/10/2019 09:14

So sorry for your loss. I haven't seen any family members after death and have never regretted it for second. If you don't want to go, don't, you have already said goodbye to your lovely Mum.

bellinisurge · 15/10/2019 09:48

I've lost both my parents- I'm in my 50s. It's actually an important anniversary coming up.
I saw my Dad's body but wasn't with him when he died. It took me years to get that image out of my head as the first thing I thought about when I thought of Dad. He wouldn't have wanted that . I was with Mum. While the image, similar to what you describe was with me for a while it didn't linger in the same way.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I really mean that. Each sibling has their own grief feelings and some are shared. You do what is right for you and your sister can do what is right for her.
If she lashes out and says You Must Do This, it's part of her grief.

AthollPlace · 15/10/2019 09:51

I didn’t go to see my Gran or Grandad. Never regretted it. They weren’t in those caskets, they were gone.

Original poster

MissKittyBeaudelais · 15/10/2019 10:37

Thank you for so many replies. It really is very helpful.

I was a nurse for many years and am no stranger to death/last offices. I worked for three years in a chemotherapy unit and saw people come in, get better, not get better, be in remission and then have it all come back. It’s ravaging. For them, for those who love them.

I really do feel that those last moments of life leave the “shell” the body itself, empty. I know that is a terrible word but Mum was gone then, in THAT moment.

Thank you. I can see from the replies that it is so hard for all of you who’ve taken time to help me decide.

OP posts:

Annasgirl · 15/10/2019 10:42

Also MissKitty, I want to add my condolences, this is the worst time isn’t it? But you will be so glad as time goes on that you were there with your mum at the end. And yes I agree, they just leave and the body becomes a shell. That is why, despite my logical education, I still believe we go in - because I have seen people “leave” the body behind.

Take care of yourself and try to think about what is best for you, which is not always easy at such an emotional time.

jay55 · 15/10/2019 10:50

I went with my dad and sister, but stayed in the outer room when they went into see the body. I had no wish to see mum that way at all, but didn't feel I could tell them that beforehand.

So sorry for your loss.

TemporaryPermanent · 15/10/2019 10:53

I have seen two bodies in the last two years. In both cases I felt under a certain amount of pressure to see them. I hated both experiences and didn't find them helpful. You were actually there when your mum died and you are also familiar with death, how can anyone think they know better than you?? Please remember your Mum as you wish to. I would hate to think my ds would ever feel under pressure to see my body, whether or not he'd been present at the end. Be as kind to yourself as you can.

Monty27 · 15/10/2019 10:58

OP deepest condolences to you. Don't doubt your own feelings. Don't do something you don't want to do especially by coercion. We're all different in grief. Do that bit the way you want to do it. It's not about anyone else just you on that one.

joystir59 · 15/10/2019 11:01

I saw my mum half hour after she died, and she looked beautiful. I went to view her body 5days later with family and was horrified, and had a sleepless night after, and was relieved that her body was cremated the next day. So I would not recommend it.

IamMadameX · 15/10/2019 11:10

Sorry for your loss but do what you feel is right for you.

I did see my dad at funeral parlour and he did look like himself, me and my mum didn't want the last image to be off him when we was with him when he died. But I think I went more for my mum then me.

When my mum died she wanted a direct cremation so I didn't get the option but I was with when she died. I did feel guilty not going to see her or have a funeral but it was her wishes. She died only 6 months after my dad so don't think she wanted to put me through another funeral. Instead close family, scattered her ashes where my dad was spread and went out for a meal to celebrate her life.

If I had the option to see her I don't know if I would have, I felt with my mum she would not have looked like her, not getting her hair right etc.

I was with them both when they died and that's comfort for me.

Do what ever feels best for you, don't let anyone else pressure you to do something you don't want.

I'm still grieving for both my parents and I try to not let the what ifs drag me down, I try to remember the happy times, it's hard but I know my folks wouldn't want me to sit and grief. But if having a bad day, just be kind to yourself and do what u feel you can cope with, take each day at a time.

percheron67 · 15/10/2019 11:11

I was with my husband when he died. Nurses then "prepared" him. When I saw him next, about 1 hour later, he looked completely different - not peaceful - just empty.

When my dear parents died I made the decision not to see either of them because I wanted to remember them as they were not a shell. I have never regretted this.

A personal decision but you did the kind thing of being there at the end.

Sorry you have to face this bereavement.

movingonbackwards · 15/10/2019 11:20

I was with my mum when she passed away. I'm in Ireland so very common to see a body at a wake but my mum never liked wakes and didn't want one. So we didn't have one and I didn't go see her in the funeral home. My sister decided to see her at the last minute and doesn't regret it. I didn't go see her and don't regret it. If you feel you had your last goodbye then I wouldn't put yourself through it. It's a personal decision so don't let anyone pressure you if you don't want to. I don't think you'll regret it, you know what's best for yourself. I'm so so sorry for your loss, it's the hardest thing in the world

morrisseysquif · 15/10/2019 11:24

Seeing my parents in their coffins was beyond distressing, and they often don't look like themselves. It was expected, as we are Irish. I won't ever see anybody else.

for your loss.

morrisseysquif · 15/10/2019 11:27

We did put loads of photos and momentos in the coffins, which was a positive thing. And bawled our eyes out, that was cathartic.

Gingaaarghpussy · 15/10/2019 11:33

Sorry for your loss.
I sat with my dad as he was dying and never went to see his body. According to my sister I was "lucky" I was there. He went to hospital on Sunday and died on Wednesday.
Unfortunately I had to be blunt with my family because nothing else works, I told them I'd seen him dead and had no desire whatsoever to be reminded of how he looked again.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 15/10/2019 11:36

I’ve only ever seen my grandad laid out. It didn’t help, and I don’t feel I would want to see any other bodies either. It’s up to you so don’t let anyone pressure you. You were with your mum when it really mattered, and now it is time to do what is best for yourself. I am sorry for your loss

custardbear · 15/10/2019 12:36

Very sorry for your loss.
Do what feels right for you. I didn't even consider seeing my parents when they died (I was 36 then 40 years old when they went a few years ago) - like you, I chose my moments to remember them by and never regretted not seeing their bodies at the funeral Home

Defender90 · 15/10/2019 12:42

Sorry for your loss.

It is a very personal descision and no right or wrong answer.

I arrived at the hospital about 20 minutes after Mum passed away, I went in and seen her, we were asked about seeing her in the funeral parlour but I said no, Dad said the same.

I was asked to view my Grandpa's body, and Uncle but said no to both, was with Uncle at the end anyway.

I don't regret any of the descisions.

Take care of yourself x

merryhouse · 15/10/2019 13:27

We saw my mum.

Husband said "it wasn't her. She was gone"

I don't regret seeing her but don't feel it helped in any way.

(I'd seen her about half an hour after she died, brother and husband hadn't, sisters had been there at the time)

Is your sister asking you to go because she feels she needs the support?

Original poster

MissKittyBeaudelais · 15/10/2019 17:24

What I’ve said is that I will go with her but don’t feel I can actually view so, she does know I’ll physically go.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4