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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Support For Anyone Coping With The Loss Of A Parent.

985 replies

Mummylin · 16/09/2019 11:00

This new thread may help those whose comps have a problem with long threads.
I hope this thread can be as supportive as the last one. It is so uplifting to see the support everyone gives to each other when they most need it.💐

OP posts:
ThighThighOfthigh · 09/12/2019 00:05

He really was lucky (in a way) he had a congenital heart thing that killed his Dad and 2 brothers very young. He grew up in desperate poverty and spent almost a year in a sanatorium with TB and one of his siblings died of diptheria. His mum died in her early 40s of a strangulated hernia.

But Dad travelled the world, got an education, was sites on and lived a comfortable life to 87. The last year was ropey but other than that a bloody miracle!

ThighThighOfthigh · 09/12/2019 00:06

^ doted on

ThighThighOfthigh · 09/12/2019 09:18

Just idly wondering at what point grief = depression.

I don't feel bad about myself
I'm not at all suicidal
I don't feel anxious
I'm exhausted
I don't want to do anything
I'm finding commitments impossible (anxious about work/money due to this)
I don't care

Mother87 · 09/12/2019 10:01

Thigh - that's lovely that you brought him so much comfort in hospital if he had to be 'stuck'there... My dad had a week in hospital in his last month, and used to ring me/us around 5/6am wanting to come home - that bit was just rubbish - then we'd all pile into the hospital carrying roast pork & rice with just the right amount of soya sauce - and he'd perk up for a bit...

We played Slow Boat to China at dad's funeral - he was Singaporean Chinese but the family came from China long long ago - we realised on the day, (having heard that song thooousands of times) that it's actually quite an upbeat songGrinand our procession kind of walked in, in time to the music

Mother87 · 09/12/2019 10:07

Thigh - I saw the doc/am having counselling - Dr told me that "i'm not myself" have known him for years - I said OF COURSE I'M NOT MYSELF - his reasoning was that i've 'slid' into depression and whilst we know the cause, it doesn't mean that I can't be helped... apathy is my thing/tiredness/acute bloody misery/zero tolerance of a lot of 'stuff'/negativity/crying crying crying - am sheer joy to be withGrinam sure some of it may not be easily fixable - but that could be my loss of hope and negativity speaking! The meds may have helped a little

stormy11 · 09/12/2019 13:59

@HeronLanyon I know what you mean about letting your mum where you will be going and then letting her know that you have arrived safely. I always use to do it too - although I complained every time my mum requested it and I kept saying how I’m an adult haha. Now I miss it. I do hope you have a lovely time, your mum would want you to enjoy it.

@Mummylin thank you for your kind words. I don’t think it matters what age we lose our parents (or how old they are) - in a way I kind of still expect them to be invincible and never imagined having a a life with them not here. I kind of hope that makes sense? Sorry if not.
Also I know how you feel with the special bond you had with your dad. My mum was my best friend and we did loads of things together. Don’t get me wrong I love the rest of my family but it’s just not the same. We just need to take things day by day.

Mother87 · 11/12/2019 19:34

I dreamt I was in dad's homeland with him last night - it was a 'nice' dream, we were chatting/looking for somewhere to eat, it was warm & sunny... I woke with a terrible terrible ache, I mean a bit more than usual. How do we make the ache go away? Am just feeling this 'is this it forever? Feeling like this?' It doesn't seem 'doable' How can I NOT believe something that's most definitely happened? It's nearly 13 weeks - I don't want to say it in months as it sounds too long ago... and despite being/keeping busy/having support etc - I can think of little else

HeronLanyon · 11/12/2019 20:38

So sorry mother it’s so tough.
That awful feeling is likely to come and go and at unexpected times hit you hard. Overall it will not exactly lessen but just be something that you literally live with. My mums death has changed me (mostly for the better - I have different priorities and think I am more thoughtful of others).

Right now for you it’s recent and raw. Just take one day at a time. Don’t feel guilty if you have a good day or fun or forget about it for a moment or an hour or a day.

Your dad would no doubt want most of all for you to be ok. I found it helpful to realise that my mum went through the same when she lost her parents etc and she had a lovely rewarding life through and after those losses.

It’s so hard but we are surprisingly resilient.
Hugs.

Mother87 · 11/12/2019 21:36

Thanks Heron... I noticed that you mentioned that it made you think about your own parents and their experiences. Yes this whole situation has made me much more aware of other bereavements - and I know logically that it's true, we survive AND hopefully find the joy again x

HeronLanyon · 11/12/2019 21:50

Yes and it’s an honour to those we’ve lost that we do that. I’m just over a year from my ma’s death and 2 from my dad’s death. Only really now am I starting to make peace with it all and looking ahead knowing they moved me and would be happy I was ok. Gulp. God it’s tough. X

HeronLanyon · 11/12/2019 21:51

Loved me.

Mother87 · 11/12/2019 22:15

Heron - yes you're right, I know that. Dad wouldn't want anything else other than my happiness... Am trying x

HeronLanyon · 11/12/2019 22:16

It’ll take time. Don’t feel bad that it does. Important to feel utterly crap for as long as you need ! Hugs.

AnonymouscowherdPantPantsPP · 12/12/2019 17:19

Agree so much with @HeronLanyon. Mum saw her Mum - my Gran - through her last illness, arranged her funeral and so on, and this year the time came for me to do the same for her. Thinking of it as a 'cycle of life' type thing does help.
I shall try to be as stoic as she was when my time comes.

Original poster
Mummylin · 14/12/2019 13:40

Hello everyone. I hope you are managing to cope ok with all the various events this time of the year brings. I know for a lot of you , this will be a bittersweet a Christmas. It's quite understandable , and I found for myself the day was passable because I was with family. I think that New Year's Eve was worse for me as we went into a new year. I insisted dh went to ds,s party and stayed at home and sobbed. There was a record played on the tele which I found heartbreaking and it was then that I needed to chat with the others who were on this thread at the time.
It is a reflective time where you will probably be saying " this time last year " or at least thinking it.
But you will all find your inner strength and get through the day, raise a glass to your mum / dad , you can get through this.
Wishing you all find some peace at this time 💐

OP posts:
Didiplanthis · 15/12/2019 18:09

Thank you. I met my dad today for lunch and to go through funeral stuff for my mum. We were surrounded by fairy lights and tinsel discussing orders of service and eulogies.. it was utterly surreal.. I'm wondering when it will sink in that shes gone ?

AnonymouscowherdPantPantsPP · 17/12/2019 00:30

@Didiplanthis it is just starting to sink in for me now that most of the organisation stuff is done and belatedly I'm having to sort Xmas stuff without getting Mum a present or conspire with her about what she is getting for my OH. It is an open-plan office but not too crowded fortunately as the odd tear has snuck out.
Where we had her memorial had shedloads of Xmas decorations up but luckily she had said she wanted something upbeat!!

ThighThighOfthigh · 17/12/2019 09:26

I was watching a Christmas song sung by Johnny Mathis, i was curious and goggled him to find he is still alive at a grand age. I had this wave of fury that he was still alive but Dad is dead. Officially insane now.

ThighThighOfthigh · 17/12/2019 09:27

Also it hit me like a ton of bricks that even if Dad manages to communicate with me somehow i will never ever ever hug him again.

Didiplanthis · 17/12/2019 15:28

I'm a HCP. I've seen loads of 90 yr olds today. Mum was 75... it smarts...

ThighThighOfthigh · 18/12/2019 13:35

I keep thinking about when Dad died, how quickly his face got white. It's really shocking how immediately the life leaves a body.

DeckTheHalls2019 · 18/12/2019 17:07

It's been 6yrs since Dad died, anniversary was a couple of weeks ago and I was absolutely fine until last night when I had one of those "takes your breath away" moments, tears streaming down my face. It was so out of the blue. I'm fine again today but it's weird how it can just catch you out like that.

Thoughts are with everyone on this board Flowers

Mother87 · 18/12/2019 22:13

Hi Mummylin and Thigh... and everyone... we're still here aren't we... and it's still so so bloody painful. It's moved from 'weeks' to months now, since dad was gone. 3 months. All of it, every day is so painful. I want to hug mine too thigh, so so much... am sniffing his jacket on the back of my bedroom door, i have his face cloth tucked into my car door pocket and sniff it as I'm driving - so I too am most certainly 'officially insane'. How many incense sticks will I light for him for the rest of my life - I know I have millions of memories, but I'm just a lost little girl lighting incense for him and talking to his picture. He never would have left me if he'd known it would be so hard, because he was always worried about me - so it wouldn't make sense for him to go would it? I guess he really didn't have a choice (this is 'reasoning' that goes through my grieving brain every day)
A friend of mine had one of dad's shirts made into a cushion as a surprise for me (he told me the shirt was needed for charity) It's beautiful/sad/makes me cry even more/can't put it on a chair as DH will think I really HAVE lost the plot And I was playing the song from Dad's Taoist funeral before - and inbetween sobs, was smiling to myself at how upbeat the tune of "Slow Boat To China" actually is. A fact that was only realised on the day, even though we'd heard the song hundreds of timesGrinthe family really did have a spring in our step when walking in/out... Just wondering how to get through the rest of forever without him. Doesn't seem possible. Hugs to all of youThanksThanks

Mother87 · 18/12/2019 22:19

Thigh - yes the shock when they go... we'd 'watched' him over those last days, and listened to every breath - until they ran out, gently. And the colour seemed to literally drain from his face. He did look very peaceful though and his skin was still beautiful (always had amazingly smooth skin, people used to comment on it. I might have benefitted from those genes if I hadn't spent 3 months crying) How can they be here one second, and then not here - and we're supposed to just carry on. Who's idea was that... Can we go on strike?? Just not happy with the way things are...

ThighThighOfthigh · 19/12/2019 10:49

Mother what can comfort us is to know our Dads loved us so much that if they'd had any option they wouldn't have gone, also they would be Caspar the friendly ghost. So, they're not here, because they couldn't carry on with their poorly bodies. Rather than a lack of effort or love. I know it's 101 but I have found it helps a bit with the why why why.