Too many suicides to cope..

[Becca19962014]

Long story short three people in my life very close to me have ended their lives in the last two years, am devastated. My physical and mental health has rapidly declined as well.

I've been told I'm "not well enough" for cruse or mental health team.

I don't understand why no one can get how devastating this is? I've no one left now. They ended their lives. I understand why (pain/depression/dementia) but can't stop thinking about how they're gone. And how others who knew them or I mention them to say to me it's what they wanted so I should be glad they're not hurting anymore. Two were last of my family (those left are abusive), the third my godmother and we were very very close.

Services are stopping supporting me because my mental health has got so much worse since this happened. I don't know how they expect me to just keep going as I did before. I can't.

I don't know what I want from this post I just need it out. Am exhausted but I close my eyes and see them. It's just too much for me.

I have PIP but it goes on other essentials I cannot go without otherwise I would pay.

Do you have any small independently run charities that might help in your area?

Have you had any Bereavement counselling?

I was told I'm not well enough for bereavement counselling.

Everywhere I've gone I just get referred to mental health team or the organisations safeguarding which is useless. There's nowhere left to try anymore.

Made the mistake on Friday of mentioning an ex student of mine who ended their life on another thread so I've now ended up dealing with all the feelings from that again as well. I guess because these deaths are so prominent for me. Ended up as MN does sometimes in some sort of argument about it. I shouldn't have posted about it. Was trying to help not start an argument or worsen my own mental health.

Really struggling today.

@Becca19962014 I'm so very sorry for your losses and the trauma you are experiencing. I have also lost multiple family members to suicide over the last year, and latterly due to the utter shitshow that is NHS mental health services where my relative lived (also rural Wales) and fell between the gaps of different services. It is horrendous, traumatic, soul destroying. I'm afraid I don't have much practical advice, but one thing that has helped me is an online forum called Alliance of Hope for people bereaved by suicide. There are some incredible people on there and I have found a lot of comfort there which has helped to keep me going when I haven't been able to access help in real life.

Thankyou ill try them.

Today I saw social worker and this came up and, apparently I should be well over these deaths by now, I can't bring myself to type the "s" word.
I'd never ever say that to anyone.

Life is very hard right now. What little support I have is being withdrawn and I'm looking at losing my benefits and home and my technology is packing in on me as well.

It's just all too much.

Hi becca.

Iv not used them but I did a Google of services specifically for (the s word) to see what there is in wales because you are just being treated appallingly and I hoped there may be something specific.

I didn't find much, Samaritans and cruise but I did also find this organisation based in Cardiff and mold (sorry I don't know where you are) even if far from you there is a phone line. And they probably can offer or at least direct you to proper help.

Call them and have a chat, hopefully they have better knowledge on the truth of your situation. People should be ashamed of how you have been treated.

Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide

uksobs.org/

ginky Thankyou, that's very kind of you. I have spoken with them. Unfortunately support wise all they have are groups and they're too far for me to manage. When I rang to discuss this with them in detail they rang social services and I got into trouble for "being manipulative" with them and the organisation told I have plenty of help available to me.

I don't understand why people can't just be honest.

Really struggled today. Was certain I saw my godmother in shop and started talking to "her". Foolish I know, not to mention embarrassing! I miss her so very much. Keep dreaming of them and visiting them. I can't control it, but it's really making things worse when awake.

Just wanted to say hello. I’ve lost both my sister and my best friend to suicide in the last 2 years and I feel so traumatised by it.
I’m “lucky” (ha!) that I have mental health problems which mean I’m already under the care of a psychiatrist.
Mental health services are utterly dire. You have to be so persistent to get help and when you’re distressed it’s so difficult. No answers from me but I hope you can get some help.

But that's what's so bad, mental health services where I am are the best NHS secondary service in the county - two massive departments whereas others have been closed and moved to South Wales. They've been given a billion pounds with another from next April to improve services. Yet all they can offer is to say phone Samaritans or cruse or mindfulness. That's it. I complained so now I'm on the "difficult patient" list so no one wants to touch my care I shouldn't have bothered. It's not even like they answered the complaint just complained about having no money.

Today's gem : "have you considered just not thinking about them and chilling out a bit"

Ffs.

I wonder if they say that to the "crisis" service who told my godmother she was "just" bereaved and had no need for their services after she attempted to end her life a second time in a week. Or the person who left a message on her answerphone cancelling the day she died after being referred the night before by a&e saying they were too busy and to phone Samaritans. Or the member of staff who had responsibility for her care who is apparently still badly suffering from her death (they met her twice, second time to discharge her in hospital after her failed attempt two days before she succeeded).

No? Didn't think so.

Don't expect they blame them either.

They blame me though for wasting their time instead of being able to help her. Like I didn't feel guilty enough they were helping me instead of her, now it feels like I killed her, did I kill the others too, were they my fault as well?

Not asking; I'm venting here because I simply can't anywhere else.

slippery sorry I missed your post. I'm so sorry you understand how it feels. I'm sorry for my vent above, it wasn't directed at you. I missed your post. If you want to vent here about it then you can.

What is your financial situation like? Could you afford to pay privately? Counselling-directory.org is a good start.

Would you mind saying roughly where you are in case people have recommendations.

I can't afford to pay. Finances very tight; barely covering essentials and about to lose a lot due to universal credit.

you have sadly lost a number of people close to you in a short time so yes it will pay a toll on your mh. your local mh team are wrong to treat you the way they are. hope some of the other mnetters support ideas will be of use.

Is there anything like this near you: www.barnsleybereavementsupportservice.org/

Unfortunately not.

This is my thread so im resurrecting it.

Today is one of the anniversaries. I managed last months, just but today's is the worst as this was someone I was very close to. I just can't believe that it's been two years.

I've lost all support now so feeling very alone with it and devastated. I can't even go and visit them as I'd need a taxi and there are none here now.

I don't know what I want from this thread, it's the only place people have actually understood. I've another friend who is suicidal having had their cancer treatment stopped and their husband recently died after having his heart op cancelled.

I feel like I can't breathe for sadness like the air is too thick. I need to go to bed but I hate it as I just dream of her, every night, for weeks how she died. Walking through her old house which has now been sold to strangers.

All helplines are busy. Inundated due to calls from people struggling due to covid-19, this was the suicide the mh team blamed me for because I rang them as she was ending her life. They kept on about it being my fault for months and months until I lost in one appointment and they said they didn't realise I knew her (I was devastated so how could they not?!) so it wasn't my fault. It obviously was, who says that unless it's true? No one.

It hurts so fucking much.

I have dreams about my deceased parents, where I'm with them in their old house, or in the garden with them. I find the dreams a comfort sometimes, although it is hard when I wake up and remember that they've been gone for 4 years now.

My parents were elderly and quite poorly by the end, so my grief was mixed with some relief too, but it was still hard to lose them. A year later my cousin took his own life, which was a shock, as on the surface he had so much to live for, but nobody really knows what goes on in somebody's head. Certainly I don't believe that you should blame yourself for the suicide of another person - just because you knew they had the intention, it doesn't mean that you could have prevented it. A person who is intent on ending their life will always find a way.

My own situation is not exactly like yours, but like you I've known deep grief, and I have few close family members left. Also, I have suffered with depression in the past, and still have spells of self doubt and regrets about the past. It's awful that you aren't able to access the help you need, when you have clearly been through some hellish times. I don't have any answers, but just wanted to say that although time doesn't necessarily heal all things, the heavy burden of grief does get lighter, as time passes.

You mention the grief that your friend is going through. Maybe it's time to support each other, on the phone, if not possible in person, or by email or letter. I hope you can help each other. These are dark times for many people and the NHS resources are stretched to breaking point, so there will be many people struggling with grief and depression right now. There are various online forums where people support each other - are you able to access those websites? I'm really sorry I have nothing else to suggest, I wish I could do more but maybe others might come along with ideas to help you. Good luck OP.